W.W.W. featuring 3 Count and Backstage Shenanigans

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your music video of Hacksaw Jim Duggan clips set to Hank Williams, Jr. ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Tank Abbott displays his singing talent




Matt's response...

It's not often I give props to someone who posts something to YouTube. Occasionally, however, someone isn't so much concerned with putting themselves over by slapping their name all over the video, and would rather add to the piece with a bit of commentary of their own. You see, this is what we do, and I think more people should do what we do (but write your own stuff! I'm looking at you, other wrestling blogs.)

So chriscfgb (or is it crisiscfgb?! I can't tell!) decides that rather than promoting his YouTube page, where he's posted other copyrighted material, he'll just toss up a quick aside in the video description box, such as...

And nipples!

Perfect. Wonderful joke. It's a carry-over from the video's title, and it blatantly points out something we all noticed but didn't want to really acknowledge.

When you were in high school, did they ever have teacher talent shows? If they did, you know exactly where I'm going. If not, it was a good excuse to sit in the auditorium or gym for an hour instead of going to class, and you'd laugh occasionally. There was the obligatory rock band, and the "hot" teachers trying to reclaim some of their youth by dressing like cheerleaders and doing a skit.

And then you'd have the coaches, which would almost always dress in drag because, well, it's funny when fat guys dress like women.

Proof.

This is also accompanied by some awful dance routine, which even though it looks as if it were choreographed by a four-year-old, they still can't do it right because they only practiced it once. That's how a feel about WCW: they're a high school teacher talent show.

Now I may sound like a bad sport, like I don't want to see any fun bits on wrestling, but that's not true. I'm a big fan of comedy in my wrestling shows, and I love the silly bits, when they're done well. What I don't want is someone going out there and half-assing it. If you're going to go out there to sing and dance, I won't hold it against you that you can't sing well, but at least get your routine together. Have a little pride in yourself.

I think this is my problem with wrestling in general right now. It feels so much like they're just going through the motions without really thinking about what they're doing. WWE bringing back Bret Hart...what was the point? It was a neat moment with he and Shawn in the ring, but what did they do beyond that? They just went through the motions: Bret is bitter, Vince is an a-hole, and scene. And on the same night, what did TNA do? Brought out the carcass of Hulk Hogan so he and his cronies can do the same old crap they did ten years ago, only now they all look about 25 years older. Everyone seems to be going out to the ring with a rough idea of what they want to do, and in the end they just fall into the usual routine.

Ugh, I hate getting serious about wrestling...how about those nipples?!

Matt's video to Adam- Raw After the Bell: Mickie James and Hacksaw Jim Duggan stopped by IRS




Adam's response...

First off, I feel the need to apologize to all our readers for the recent inactivity. Certain real world obligations have gotten in the way, all of which took precedence of dick jokes. We'll try to be better. To make it up to you kiddos, we're doing our first ever interactive live blog. It'll be this Sunday for the Royal Rumble. Also, Ray over at Wrestlegasm baked us cookies, so she'll be there too!

Anyway, for the second week in a row, the star of my video is an unlikely source. Yes, IRS steals the show again. And it's for the most understated of all reasons. Namely, why was he even there in the first place?

I know the real world reason. Mike Rotunda (and looking at him, he's rather aptly named, lulz) is an agent for WWE. Why not have him throw on a tie and suspenders and do a little cameo for a video segment that no one will ever see? It's a fun Easter egg. But story wise, why is he there? Granted, I have no seen the preceding, nor proceeding chapters of this serial, but shouldn't every chapter make sense on their own?

I guess I just love the idea of the old characters just hanging out backstage. It's weird. Characters like Duke "The Dumpster" Drose or the Repoman are dumb. Who would ever believe that a garbage man in his spare time wrestles? Yet, it makes me happy thinking that Duke was just the in-house garbage man who got some ringtime whenever. He's still there emptying the trash.

Still, what is IRS doing here? As a government worker he would not be employed by WWE. Also, he clearly would not be doing any tax work for the government on WWE, because it's a conflict of interests; he was a tag champ for a period of time. Maybe he retired from government work and is now a private accountant/financial consultant for WWE? There are so many unanswered questions.

Which I suppose is what makes a great serial. Why were Mickie James and Hacksaw Duggan stealing tee-shirts? Couldn't they just get some from the corporate office? They do know that Earl Hebner was fired for the same thing, right? And he wasn't even videotaped! And why would IRS be mad at them for stealing? He's not a lawman. It's possible he has strong ethics, but a lifetime of heel deeds would lead me to believe otherwise.

Also, I should note that in the vein of all great femme fatales, Mickie used a subtle hint of her sexuality to achieve her goals. Very noir.


Oh well, I better come back to the nickelodeon next week and find out what adventures await our heroes!

Can you put the past away? (I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend)

This week has seen a lot of history made in the wrestling business, not the least of which was the return of Bret Hart to WWE television after a more than 12 year absense. During his stint as guest host on Raw, Bret shared a moment with Shawn Michaels in the ring, with the spectre of 1997's Survivor Series floating heavy above them. Bret has said in the past that he had no interest in forgiving the Heartbreak Kid for his role in the Hitman's ouster from the then-WWF, but has softened on that resolve in recent years. Monday, he did a full 180 and made amends.

It was an emotional moment indeed. For two fans who were really coming into their own personal understanding of the wrestling business around that time, the Monteal Screwjob was one of those seminal moments that detailed the seedy underbelly of professional wrestling. It drove a wedge in between the fans, and Canada has been backward ever since. Seeing Bret and Shawn, two legends in the business and aguably the greatest wrestlers in their respective generations, in the ring at the same time, speaking, shaking hands, and exchanging a brotherly hug was nothing short of the destruction of the Berlin Wall in the WWE Universe.

In the spirit of recent events and of the new year, here's a few other legendary wrestling-related feuds we'd like to see resolved in 2010.

Bret Hart and Vince McMahon

This, of course, could have been settled on Monday night, and seemed to be for a while, until Vince kicked Bret in the stomach and walked out of the ring, sneering as the show faded to black. We can't say who's really responsible for most of the animosity between the two, but it certainly seemed that we were making progress just with Bret showing up at Raw at all. Getting these two on the same page could mean a lot of good for WWE fans. Maybe we could finally get all the dirt on Montreal, or maybe Stu could get his due for the impact he's made on the wrestling business. This needs to be ironed out soon.

Bret Hart and Ric Flair

You might say this feud is more vitriolic than Shawn and Bret. Neither Michaels nor Hart ever spoke poorly of the other one's talent, and while they had personal issues, they were quick to say the other had a positive impact on the art of wrestling.

But Ric and Bret are a different story. Flair claimed that the Hitman exploited his brother Owen's death and was never a serious money-maker outside of Canada; Hart has called Flair a routine wrestler and a shady businessman. The two plain don't like each other, and for two performers that land in the Top 5 of most anyone's All-Time list, that's just sad. Not that we're looking for some sort of "dream match," because we'd really rather neither of them wrestle again, but a panel discussion would be nice at some point. Or maybe an autograph signing in Biloxi.

Bret Hart and Eric Bischoff, Hulk Hogan, and Kevin Nash

While this isn't necessarily a full-fledged feud, Hart has more than once criticised the way he was used in WCW, and has had varying degrees of criticism for Easy E and the former NWO. With all three having influence over in TNA now, it would be a huge coup for the nation's second promotion to bring over the Hitman for a little reunion (that is what they're doing over there these days, right?) TNA got their butt kicked in the ratings for the recent one-day-only Monday Night War, but could they put themselves over the top with Bret on the show? One is only left to wonder unless these guys can get on the same page.

Bret Hart and Bret Hart's ex-wives

Even though this is not strictly a wrestling feud, it is still related in that Bret Hart is involved and his family could have a major impact on wrestling were they a cohesive unit. Hart has been married twice and divorced just as often. He has four kids from the first marriage, and coming from a lineage of wrestlers, who's to say that any of these kids couldn't go on to be the next big thing. But with professional wrestling (and Bret's constant adultery) effectively destroying his relationship with his wife, there's not much incentive to pursue that lifestyle. Come on, Bret. Kiss and make up for the rest of us!

Bret Hart and Bret Hart's brain

They haven't really talked much since Bret's stroke eight years ago, and things aren't looking too good. Even though the Hitman and the left side of his body were able to work together again, he's still having some emotional issues and has no real chance at getting back in the ring for anything meaningful.

In a related note, Hart may want to make sure he's patching things up with his bicycle before going out for another ride any time soon.

W.W.W. featuring The Diamond Stud and The American Males

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your video of 60 wrestler impressions in 90 seconds ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.


Matt's video to Adam- Scott Hall RARE promo



Adam's response...

Ah yes, the good old days. A time when men were men, women were women, and that's it. Everyone had class out the ass. Kids these days don't even know, you know (tm).

1/3rd of this group are men.

Take for example, Magnum TA. The man may have been paralyzed on one side and can't wrestle anymore, but he had class. Sure, many sports broadcasters go to events wearing a suit (and looking professional), but he goes above and beyond. He wears a tux with a festive red bow tie! I'm thinking of a word that starts with a CLA and ends with an ASS.

Or the hair? Lordy lordy, how about that hair? Business in the front of course. This is a classy time. But the back? Party town USA, bro. It's important to straddle that line, as it means both the boss and the janitor take you seriously.

Dick Whitman

Of course, this isn't a style guide. No, this is an office. An office of pain, no doubt. But an office nonetheless. And that's where this segment falls apart. I'm speaking to you, Diamond Dallas Page. First thing is, you're trying too hard. The Z Man should want to work with you, not be afraid of your Diamond Stud. Second, you're lying. No one pays "good money" for the advice of an iliterate. But still, I can tell you need a little more convincing.

This life that we live. It's more than just body slams and arm bars. It's about taking time out to smell the roses. It's about remembering what it means to be a child. We aren't selling a ticket to fans.We're providing them a dynamic morality tale set in the fast paced world of tomorrow. Good vs Evil, hard work vs the easy way. All at our finger tips. Hell, it's almost within our influence. So sure, let other promotion's dish out "wrasslin'" with contempt for their "marks." We'll be better. We'll dish out one slice of America at a time. Now gentlemen, I don't know if that's something you'd want to buy, but I sure can bet that it's not anything but damn appealing.

Adam's video to Matt - The American Males vs. Dick Slater



Matt's reponse...

Director's Commentary for WCW Saturday Night

Ah, yes...here we have a marquee match-up, indicative of the type of action you'd normally see on the show. Dick Slater, having done something to upset these two gentlemen, is going to face them in a two-on-one match. This should be a good time.

I love how we cut to that fan giving the thumbs-down. That's a good way to show new fans that this Slater fella is not someone you should cheer for. He's unpopular with the fans in attendance.

Alright...now, I can't really explain why we decided to run a pre-recorded message from Bagwell and Riggs during their introduction. You can't really hear what they're saying, and what's worse, you can't hear their incredible theme song. Of all the decisions made at WCW, this might be one of the worst. Only time will tell, I suppose, but it's a shame nonetheless.

You may think it a fault of the commentators to talk about the upcoming six-man lumberjack match coming up, but that was my call. You see, I knew this match was going to be the big draw on the show. That's the perfect time to promo a match that really isn't going to have that much hype in the first place. Hogan and Macho? Who cares? So this was a good time to make sure people were aware it was coming up.

And yes, I did tell them to say "Dick isn't afraid to take on two men."

Finally, despite the commentators throwing it to a different clip, I thought it was important to show you the finish of the match you just saw. Really sink that in. Also, it's good to go all the way back the Males entrance. It really has nothing to do with the outcome of the match, but it's worth seeing again, isn't it?

W.W.W. featuring the WWF Locker Room and Kevin Nash

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your poorly digitized, music video tribute to Bryan Danielson "selling out" a'int going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Vince holds the WWF meeting



Matt's response...

This is the number one reason why I would want to work for WWE. The WWE on Earth-53, that is. You see, under normal circumstances, I'm sure company meetings are rather bland. But in the WWE universe, meetings consist of getting every character on the roster into the same room and trying to conduct a reasonable amount of business. That, my friends, would be comedy right in front of your eyes.

Take this one, for example. The title says Vince runs the meeting, and he eventually says his piece, but look who kicks this thing off. The APA. Do Farooq and Bradshaw resemble anyone you've seen at a board meeting? Ever?

"Alright, let's get this thing started." "Damn."

Next, it makes sense for Mr. McMahon to step in and rally the troops behind this hostile attack from a rival company. And just as he's getting everybody in the room on the same page, in steps the Undertaker to throw a wrench into things. Again, tell me how often that's happened around the office.

"Alright...now we'll be hearing from the director of the Death Valley branch."

As much genius as there is contained in this video, it also highlights a little thing that's interesting about the internet: false claims of ownership.

Quick, who can tell me who silentrock06 is? Any of you?

If you can't, that just proves that you're not part of the WWE, because they would know that silentrock06 owns at least three minutes and 43 seconds of their property. How do I know this? Well, his name is plastered all over this video, even so much as to garner a credit at the end, listing his name and where he posted this video - Daily Motion.

So not only has silentrock06 stolen the video from WWE, but someone else took the video from another video hosting site and put it on YouTube. And no one seems to care.

Now, granted, if people didn't post video from professional wrestling shows that most certainly is protected by a copyright somewhere, then we wouldn't have much of a column. That's kind of the whole point of what you're reading right now. However, we're not surprised when we skim through the site and notice that things are taken down from time to time. It was bound to happen.

But taking something that clearly isn't yours and then slapping your name across it, as if somehow you were part of its creation, seems quite bold indeed. It's like stealing someone's car, and then stitching your name into the seat. There seems to be a disconnect about who actually owns something.

I know I'm spitting into a hurricane here, but it's just something that bugs me. Put stuff up on YouTube all you want, but don't be surprised if it gets pulled, and don't add yourself to the credits. I suppose you could be nice about it, like the kid that uploaded a segment from Raw that Adam was watching not long ago who said "Please don't take this down; I don't own it!!!" as if that were supposed to make a difference. At least he asked nicely.

So silentrock06, I hope this is what you wanted. You've got your modicum of fame, and have even made it onto the wrestling comedy blog of record, so congratulations. Now go create something of your own, you louse!


Matt's Video to Adam- Kevin Nash Wants Batman



Adam's response...

Something tells me that this segment is not on the new Rise and Fall of WCW DVD that just dropped the other day. That's not because it's good or bad or an example of typical WCW lunacy. It's just that this isn't part of WCW. It's really part of this:


You think I'm joking? Well hear me out. There are many similarities. First, both properties were owned by Time Warner. Second, both involved sexy nurses. There also are many references to Batman, a property also owned by Time Warner.

I know it's Tiny Toons. Same studio.

So if you watch TNA (and I know you don't) you should know that the Kevin Nash/Jeff Jarrett feud is as long as the day is....long...I guess. One of the more noticeable aspects of it was the time that Jarrett smashed Nash over the head with a guitar, much like El Kabong. Nash would suffer amnesia, another link in the guitar shot/neurological disorder connection (I think this might be more evidence.) Anyway, this amnesia lead Nash to identifying himself only as "The Commissioner."

Above: Kevin Nash

Not realizing that Michael Chiklis is part of the Fantastic Four, Nash then states that "the Joker has escaped...the asylum...." and cries out for Batman. How a man who didn't know his own name can somehow figure out the Joker is terrorizing Gotham City is beyond me, but hey, if Vince Russo thinks it's funny who am I to judge?

Now, let's presuppose that Kevin Nash is really Commissioner Gordon. Or at least thinks he is. Why would he call Bruce Wayne to find Batman? Forget the little "wink" about that for a moment. If Nash is really Gordon, then wouldn't he use the Bat-Signal? Or, at the very least (since he mentioned Chief O'Hara, thus referencing the 1960's television show Batman), the red bat phone?

Totally inconspicuous. I'd never recognize that if I were to see it in Bruce Wayne's private study...

This is where the entire segment falls apart. Continuity is important, people! Especially when you mix up wrestling with comics! What? Stop singing "Bingo" and listen to me!

I hate you, Big Sexy. So much.

Where the superstars come out to play

As you're aware, we here at LOL, Wresslin' generally focus on Raw or Smackdown. Why? It's easier, and we're lazy. However, it's fun to branch out from time to time, and that's what we're doing today.

WWE has another show that's sort of flying under the radar (not you, ECW). It's called "WWE Superstars," and features talents from all brands in what you might call a variety wrestling show. Sometimes it promotes a storyline; sometimes it's just for fun. This is where you'll see wrestlers of all stripes lock-up and do battle.

"Superstars" airs at 8/7c and is broadcast on WGN America, formerly WGN Superstation, perhaps the last superstation on the air. For the laypeople out there, a superstation is basically a non-network station whose content is rebroadcast nationwide, yet isn't a cable station either. Get all that?

Just think the old TBS Superstation back in the day, where you could watch WCW Saturday Night and then Atlanta Braves baseball, whether you wanted to or not. In fact, WCW Saturday Night reminds us a lot of WWE Superstars. Kicking back, watching talent from up and down the roster on a station from some town we've never heard of.

Atlanta? Chicago??!

So, as is custom here at LOL, Wresslin', let's take a look at what happened last week on the show.

Goldust hooked up with Sheamus (not like that you sicko). They just made out a little bit. In this match pitting the green versus the gold, it seemed everything was falling in Sheamus's favor. But Goldust tripped him up with an inside cradle, and it was all the she wrote for that mick.

If that wasn't exciting enough for you, rising L, W' fav John Morrison faced David Hart Smith. It's hard to bet against the Friday Night Delight, even if this match is Canada, and it's a good thing we didn't. Morrison topped the new Hart family dynasty, but we're not so sure a little finagling from Vince didn't go down. Another screwjob, perhaps??

Much like in our previous match with Sheamus, everything was looking good for Barry Horowitz when he faced off with Glacier. Horowitz gets in a good amount of reversals, including putting his boots up to stop a fist drop from Glacier. A Russian leg sweep here and there, and this is Barry's match to lose, which he does. Glacier puts on the Ice Pick, and that's the bell.

Finally, World Tag Team Champs Scott Riggs and Marcus Bagwell, aka The American Males, defended their titles against Harlem Heat. It's clear to us who won, judging only from the entrance music.



But we were wrong. Booker and Stevie easily got the win in this match, knocking the Boys down from their pedestal.

As you can see, this is great show! Drama and action all in one! Be sure to catch WWE Superstars, Saturday night on WGN America at 6:05 Eastern!

LOL, Wresslin' movie review: Ready to Rumble

Remember that movie The Wrestler? It was the little indie flick that could and got some attention for a while. Eventually it was forgotten because it forgot the best part of professional wrestling; the spectacle! Sure, being a pro wrestler is a hard life and it involves drug use and a Bruce Springsteen song, but what about the ride up!? The fun times! The mad cap antics and zany adventures that forge friendships for life!

Thankfully, World Championship Wrestling (and AOL TimeWarner by extension) produced one gem way back in 2000. It is called Ready to Rumble and it is fantastic.

The film so fine they gave it two tag lines!

Now, we know all our readers are legal scholars, so before we get into the real meat of this review we shall assuage your fears. WCW totally cleared the trade mark for the phrase "ready to rumble." Michael Buffer used to do some ring announcing for them, so they already had a preexisting working relationship, so all the kinks were worked out no problem. Everyone feel better now? Good.

Here's the basic synopsis used by the finest research tools at our disposal:

Sewage workers Gordie Boggs (David Arquette) and Sean Dawkins (Scott Caan) watch their favorite wrestler, WCW World Heavyweight Championship holder Jimmy King (Oliver Platt) cheated out of the title by Diamond Dallas Page (playing himself), an evil WCW promoter named Titus Sinclair (Joe Pantoliano), and DDP's partners. After the match, the two wrestling fans humorously express their rage in their septic truck, resulting in a car crash with Gordie and Sean surviving.

After this event, Gordie believes that the car crash was supposed to happen and that they should make Jimmy King once again a title holder.

That makes a lot of sense to us!

The story progresses with Jimmy King sobering up and making amends for all the mistakes in his life. It's a true coming of age story, as The King, who may have had all the rich$ and luxurie$ in the world, learns what truth wealth is when he has nothing at all. Also, Gordie has sex with Nitro Girl Sasha (she's the head Nitro Girl because she doesn't have a stupid name like "Whisper" or "Prancer") played by Rose McGowen. One truly LOL moment was when she was trying to seduce him and she unveils her "secret weapons" (her breasts). Gordie, being the brain dead wrasslin' fan he is, screams "Foreign objects!" and commits domestic violence on her. This only turns her on more, because hey, she wanted it!

Of course she ended up being a spy for Joey Pant's character the entire time, but...we're going too deep into this.

So on the road to redemption, Gordie and Dale try and recruit various face wrestlers to team with Jimmy King, and also get Martin Landau to train him. Once the heel wrestlers (ok, Sid and Bam Bam Bigelow) get wind of this they decided to take out the old man and summarily get their asses handed to them. Only then does Sid come up with the bright idea to hit the old man over the head with a pipe do they subdue the wily octogenarian. This puts him in the hospital and it's also where Sasha's evil tendencies are revealed.

However, after hearing of the old man attack, no one will help Jimmy King, in fear of crossing Sinclair. Then Gordie is called back home to Wyoming to take the police officer's exam (which his overbearing father who pays not attention to his son wanted). Things never looked bleaker for the King, but he perseveres. With no wrestlers to have his back, King recruits a rag tag band of misfits to be his posse. He'll be ready for the big title match against Diamond Dallas Page. And the stakes have never been higher. Win, and King is king. Lose, and King is done. And top top it all off, this match will be contested in a triple cage!

Before the match, Sinclair instructs Sting, who we have never seen before in this movie, nor was he ever mentioned, to not get involved. Sting looks at him silently. How could he get involved though? It's a cage match, specifically designed to keep outside interference outside of...interfering...right. Still, that detail must have been lost as all the heel wrestlers (Sid, Bam Bam, Juventud Guerrera for some reason) come out to assist Page. Things are at their lowest for King, when suddenly, a bunch of face wrestlers come out to even the odds! Goldberg! Booker T! Disco Inferno (what?)! But there was one heel wrestler who completely tipped the balance. At first he was masked, so no one knew what to think. But then he unveiled himself to be Jimmy King's own inbred son! And even though no one has ever seen him before, Mike Tenay and Tony Schiavone immediately knew who he was. Thankfully, this was soon resolved as Gordie comes out wearing a policeman's uniform with the sleeves cut off. But he travels in style, as he rides a motorcycle and jumps it into the cage wall, knocking that wall down and landing perfectly in the ring. Miraculously, no one was killed.

So more brawling ensues in the triple cage (CageCageCage?) and eventually both DDP and King are brawling on the top cage. The objective is to grab the belt hanging from the ceiling. DDP knocks King off the top of the cage, ostensibly winning the match. But before he can grab the belt, none other but Sting emerges from the rafters to attack DDP for no reason despite how he was going to win the match clean. This leads to King winning the match, despite needing the help of Goldberg and Sting and a motorcycle to beat an inbred and The Juice.

Of course, what makes a great movie? We'd argue that a great movie makes you think about it well after the fact. It presents interesting questions that may not have clear cut answers. So here are a few that we've pondered over the years:

1. How are so many people watching WCW Pay Per View? That's not a slam against WCW's product (well, it is a little), but seriously. People with rabbit ear televisions were watching the event in crystal clear standard definition. People at their jobs were watching the PPV. We're willing to suspend disbelief, but not that much.
2. Is wrestling in this movie a work or shoot? We're going to assume shoot since King legitmally wants the title, but their are scenes where you see people booking.
3. This movie started the trend of movies dancing around the topic of Goldberg having a giant, cut hog. Shouldn't that alone put him in the Hall of Fame?
4. How does Gordy, a mid-late 20's virgin, have the self confidence to reject pre-car crash Rose McGowan?

As far as this movies lasting effect, well, the less said the better. WCW did implement the triple cage concept. Of course, Chris Kanyon almost killed himself in one of them, so that's how much of a good idea that was. Also, to promote the film, WCW had David Arquette win the heavyweight title in a tag match. Diamond Dallas Page, the film's secondary antagonist, was his tag partner. Yea, it was pretty stupid. To Arquette's credit, he thought it was dumb as well and donated all money he made to some dead wrestlers' families. WCW closed a year later.

Of course, we're not going to end on a sad note. No, this movie holds a special place in the our hearts, because it's another example of our unstoppable friendship that was forged in adamantium by the gods themselves. A few years ago, Matt was visiting Adam on the east coast and we watched Ready to Rumble for the first time together. There is one scene of blatant product advertising where Martin Landau's character is in the hospital and being visited by Gordie and Dale. Gordie brings him a non-descript candy bar, to which he is met with a "Get me a Butterfinger! That's my favorite!." Cut to a vending machine full of Butterfingers. Now we Twins paused the movie and laughed over how blatant the plug was but then said, "You know what though? A Butterfinger would be good right now." Cut to us driving to Seven Eleven to buy three Butterfingers.

But wait, it gets worse.

A few months later Adam was going to Austin for South by Southwest. One of his friends was coming along. So they stopped in Dallas for a few days to visit Matt. Matt and Adam recounted what marks for Butterfingers they were and a hearty laugh was had by the three. Then, one fatal sentence was muttered: "You know, a Butterfinger would be good right now." Yes, it got us twice!

How many movies can lay that sort of claim?

The Original Laugh Twins

W.W.W. featuring Goldberg versus Ric Flair and The Spirit Squad with C.M. Punk

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your cover of Rick Derringer's "Real American" ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

(Note: Adam is taking the week off, so our counter-part from across the pond, Ray of Wrestlegasm, is filling in this week.)

Ray's video to Matt - Goldberg confronts Flair's son



Matt's response...

First of all, nice going Ray. You're first stab at a W.W.W. and you pick a doozy (or is it "doozie" in the UK?). You pretty much hit all the right beats of a good video - insanity, violence against non-wrestlers, violence against family members, yelling, and Ric Flair. If I had a fake applause sound effect to play for you, I would.

The LOL, Wresslin' equivalent.

Alright, to the video. Let me just say that I happen to agree with Goldberg here. David Flair doesn't have any business anywhere near Goldberg. He certainly doesn't need to be poking him in the chest. That's just silly. Why would you do that, David? We all know Reid is the one with the drinking problem, so you can't use that a crutch.

But of course, I can't blame Ric Flair for coming to the rescue either. Really, anything to get Flair into the ring is fine by me, so beat up his kid all you want.

Flair has always been a curiosity to me. Let's just take a look at what happens in this video. He overacts. He takes ridiculous bumps. He rolls on the ground for no apparent reason. Ask yourself if you would take any other wrestler seriously if they pulled that kind of stuff. There's no way. No way. But Slick Ric has been doing it since the beginning of time, and we worship it.

I'm not standing on the outside criticizing either. I'm right there with you, cheering every ridiculous thing this man does. For instance, when Goldberg says that Ric has "stepped over the line" (which line?), Ric retorts, "I AM THE LINE!" and barrel rolls across the ring.

Goldberg = confused

What?? Why?? What sense does that make? Forget the physical stunting; what does "I am the line" mean? But for whatever reason, the first time I watched it, I said, "Shit yeah, Goldberg. Ric Flair is the line." That's how good he is.

Before that, he screamed into the mic "I'VE LOST MY MIND?!"

Well, when you put it like THAT

Now, I did a little extra work and watched the match that was set up at the end of this video. Let me tell you, Goldberg must have taken at least six shots to the crotch. Since it was Goldberg, you know that had to hurt.

His nickname in this movie was "Sledgehammer."

Goldberg ended up winning that match, but not by beating Ric, of course. No, about twenty guys in "nWo" shirts jumped him. This was WCW in 1999, after all.

Matt's video to Ray - The Spirit Squad trying to recruit CM Punk



Ray's response...

First of all, let me say how strange but particularly exciting it feels to be hanging out at the Texas branch of LOL Wresslin. I feel a little bit like I’m trespassing and am pretty sure I’ll open a door to have a bucket of water fall on my head or something. I was also wholly convinced that my video would be something odd and unfathomable, engineered to catch me out and leave me with nothing to say. Imagine my joy at finding a humorous CM Punk video in my email inbox.

I’m sure this was selected because of my over-the-top creepy crushing on CM Punk. But the first thing that grabbed my shoulders and shook me was Dolph Ziggler, or ‘Nicky’ as he was known while appearing as an enthusiastic member of The Spirit Squad. So he does know how to get a half decent hair-do after all? What an earth possessed him to stick his head in to a pan of toilet bleach?

Anyway, I have a confession to make. As a British girl whose interest in American culture has varied over the years from mild fascination to writing a full dissertation on Irish employment opportunities in Boston post-Potato Famine, cheerleading has always held a special place in my heart. When I was last in the US, I happened upon a high school basketball game and spent the entire match watching the cheerleaders in awe. Look…..

Their team was losing, so they ate pizza and talked to boys.

So, when I saw Ziggler and Co. were trying to recruit CM Punk my mental video library of trash movies went in to overdrive, flicked through the rolodex and found itself at Bring it On. One of the greatest movies to ever be shot. If you’re not familiar, Kirsten Dunst and her team of guys and gals realise that their long-running success at the Cheerleading National Championships is solely down to the fact that their previous captain was stealing routines from the less financially viable ghetto school, East Compton. I won’t tell you any more in case I ruin the story for you. I can tell you’re just dying to run out and buy a copy.

But I will tell you why I’m harping on about this film. There’s a scene towards the beginning where Kirsten Dunst and her team are recruiting for a new member and I was reminded of it while watching this. CM Punk IS Eliza Dushku. Yep. It’s true!

They both rub off their tattoos:

They both have the same look of horror on their faces that this peppy, perky world of cheer begins to permeate their hard exterior.

They both pretend to be overly excited about getting to wear matchy-matchy cheer outfits when actually the idea repulses them.

They are both the cruel victims of ‘Spirit Fingers.'

Of course, the glaring difference between Punk and Eliza is that Eliza’s character joins the squad, helps to unite the group and despite never fully losing her feisty exterior, she crosses over to the pep side and gets a new BFF in Kirsten Dunst.

Punk, on the other hand, continues to go through the world alone, without a friend to call his own. But oh, how sweet would it have been if he had taken up their offer? To quote a line from my other favourite piece of cinematic baloney (Mean Girls) “….it’s like watching a dog walk on its hind legs.” It seems so wrong, and yet, you cannot take your eyes away. It’s ok, Punky. Ray will be your friend. And no pom-poms will be put in to operation. (Unless specifically requested.)

W.W.W. featuring Raw Invading Smackdown and Raven/Kanyon

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so the million "Ric Flair, leave the memories alone!" music videos a'int gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- Raw Invades Smackdown



Adam's response...

First off, Matt, you're a dick. A huge dick. Here I thought we ended the pettiness that is Smackdown vs Raw 2009. I thought we agreed that Smackdown was clearly superior and we would move on, concentrate our efforts on Blog War 09, and then make fun of Ring of Honor or something.
But no, you need to show me an example of awful Smackdown booking and some losers just destroying the ever loving crap out of the blue show. Way to show solidarity, ass.

Click to embiggen

Anyway, let's get into this awfulness. WWE chose to commemorate the one year anniversary of 9/11 by committing a crime and having marriage between two people of the same sex. I'm not taking a moral stance on gay marriage either way, but it was not legal in this country at that particular point in time. Unless this Smackdown was in Boston or Rhode Island or something. That I don't know. If that was the case then I retract my entire argument.


Side note: What was I doing on the one year anniversary of 9/11? I was in an 8 AM media studies class. It was my second week of college, which was in Washington, DC. My professor took a moment to see if anyone wanted to talk about anything since it was 9/11's birthday and all. No one said a word. My professor continued "9/11 will always be very personal for me, since my father died on 9/11." Obviously, everyone felt awful, assuming her father worked in the towers. She then continued, "He lived in Florida. He was so distraught over what happened that he went for a walk and was eaten by an alligator. It made the AP the next day." Yes, since this was a media class, that little detail was important. Asshole me is snickering in the front row. I got an A-.

So if you read Eric Bischoff's twitter, you'll know he's a rather staunch Republican. Thus, I can understand why he would impersonate a minister just to ruin two gays' wedding. You know Billy Gunn is a gay because his cummerbund said "BILLY" on it. But seriously, do you have to hold back Stephanie McMahon when Three Minute Warning hit the ring? It's not like she's going mount the comeback, especially since Rico turned on Billy and Chuck.

On the topic of Rico, he turned for no reason. None. And it's not like he changed his gimmick when he became 3MW's manager either. Because two gang banger's just love to hang out with a flamboyantly homosexual stylist. They go together like chocolate and peanut butter. You know what though? Maybe Rico liked the challenge. If anyone needed a stylist it would be Rosey and Jamal, wearing giant football jerseys everywhere they go. I see Rosey's number was 3, which makes sense, given the team name and all, but why exactly is Jamal wearing a personalized #27 Tennessee Titans jersey?

Maybe he's like..nine Roseys?

Oh well, he eventually left civilization and came back as Umaga. I wonder what his passport says?

So yea, that's pretty much it. Oh wait, Edge, Rey Mysterio, and John Cena chase everyone off. Yup, three future world champions vs Rico and Three Minute Warning. Overcompensating a bit there, SD!?


Adam's video to Matt - Raven reveals his act to Kanyon



Matt's response...

It's easy to get a little blinded by something new and shiny, which tends to push the old things out of your memory. We tend to ascribe more weight to things we've just seen and look at the others as if there were just a pile of broken toys, no longer useful to us. I understand this completely.

And even though I know it's part of our nature to do so, I think this is best thing I've seen as part of this column. Made all the more impressive by the fact that I am neither a Raven nor a Kanyon fan. I don't dislike them. I just don't care about them. But I don't think you have to like them to enjoy this skit.

I don't even know what to write, other than list all the things that are awesome about this. Here's all the things that make me love it:

• Breaking the fourth wall
• Ferrari
• Bags of money
• Raven and Kanyon in a fancy store, with dance music
• "What a mark."
• Kanyon in the dressing room (lol, but I'm totally not gay)
• Getting in a car without using doors
• "Hold my money, Kanyon." "Yep."

Since I can't seem to find anything to say that would make this video better, I'll delve into the comments left on YouTube. A small minority seem to share the same opinion that I do, but otherwise there are two main threads working in the user commentary: this ruins Raven's character, and Kanyon is gay.

The first one can only be proffered by misanthropes and sad sacks who found comfort in Raven's depressed and moody persona. Of course they think it ruined his character. That Raven was their hero. Who is this douche? Riding in fancy cars, carrying bundles of cash, buying nice clothes. Raven, we barely know you anymore.

Despite the fact that the man known as Raven played several characters of this sort before he assumed that particular character, I can't see how this ruins anything. Then again, I don't really care, so maybe I can just appreciate the humor. But at least it's far more interesting than Kanyon pulling up to Raven's crack house.

As far as Kanyon being gay? Well, you can imagine where the internet fools are taking that one, but come on folks...

Could you not tell?

Makes you think twice about Kanyon coming down the stairs, tucking in his shirt.

LOL Wresslin's Big DVDA (DVD Article)!

If there's one thing the WWE is does well is tell it's own story. You'll find numerous entries in the wrestling DVD section of any local video store from them, telling and retelling the careers of their superstars or certain periods in the company's history. The folks over in the DVD production side of the business work overtime, all the time.

There are two notable DVDs coming out in the future that we're going to discuss today. The first is due out this summer, and it's a collection of Macho Man Randy Savage's greatest matches. They are promising several hours of content, spread over a number of discs, we're sure. However, there apparently will not be a biography segment, as there is on several other of these collections. And what a shame they didn't get Macho on camera for this, because it might have been the last time we ever saw him alive.

Oh, you didn't know that? Yeah, Macho Man died recently. Heart failure, it seems.

You were a perfect friend.

Actually, he didn't die at all. But if Wikipedia is to be believed (and really, why wouldn't it be?), the Madness is six feet deep as we speak. Apparently, Savage's wiki was hacked and updated to say that he had died. Knowing absolutely nothing about the workings of a Wikipedia page, we can only assume this was some act of sorcery.

We're pretty sure he was involved.

Macho's publicist fixed the error, and said Savage was "alive and kicking." We're glad he didn't say "alive and well," because we know damn well that isn't true.


The other upcoming DVD of note is one about the history of the WCW. As one of the most popular wrestling federations other than the WWE, this is truly a company that should have its own release and feature some of the most impressive talent from their roster. Unfortunately, two of the biggest minds behind the company, Eric Bischoff and Ted Turner, have declined to take part in the program. To us, that's just a little rude. This was an important moment in wrestling history; you could at least have to decency to offer your views on company.

The DVD will be called The Rise and Fall of WCW.

Ooooh, now we get it...

Never one to let a dead horse go unbeaten, the WWE feels it necessary to remind us, in the title no less, that the WCW had a nice little thing going for a while, but ultimately fell flat on their face and was purchased by the McMahons. Of course, this is nothing new. Sure, you could look at their squashing of any talent that jumps back over from another brand, but their video catalog has a couple examples of its own. First, there's the Ultimate Warrior DVD. Short of being a retrospective of his career, it was simply a bunch of the boys talking about how crazy he was. The title, The Self-Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior, didn't leave much to the imagination.

And there's this gem...

Seriously, someone needs to be fired in the "video naming" department.

Yeah, they've been down this road before. And boy, do they like it.

Now Bisch says that he's not looking to be a part of WWE "revisionist wrestling history," and like we said, we can certainly understand his decision. However, they are certainly in the right to release this retrospective, and there's no lying in saying the WCW did rise and eventual fall. We doubt its "revisionist" to suggest that WCW did a great bit of screwing up on its own, so WWE, being the "winner" in that Monday Night War (another DVD by the way), can certainly tell their story how they see fit. You might call that revisionist; most people would say that's the way things went down.

But it does raise the interesting question of who exactly is going to be on this DVD? You're not going to get Eric or Uncle Ted. Vince Russo is "writing" for TNA right now. A lot of the guys that made a splash in WCW are at TNA as well. We suppose you could rope Hogan in on this, but that's doubtful at best. Then who?

LOL Wresslin' has compiled a list of the some of the people we think should be interviewed, because nothing says "WCW wrestling" better than these fine chaps:

• Mike Awesome
• Buff Bagwell
• Corporal Cajun
• Disco Inferno
• El Gigante
• Barry Horowitz
• Mil Mascaras
• Captain Hugh G. Rection
• Shawn Stasiak

That should get you a good start at least! You're welcome, WWE!