This week has seen a lot of history made in the wrestling business, not the least of which was the return of Bret Hart to WWE television after a more than 12 year absense. During his stint as guest host on Raw, Bret shared a moment with Shawn Michaels in the ring, with the spectre of 1997's Survivor Series floating heavy above them. Bret has said in the past that he had no interest in forgiving the Heartbreak Kid for his role in the Hitman's ouster from the then-WWF, but has softened on that resolve in recent years. Monday, he did a full 180 and made amends.
It was an emotional moment indeed. For two fans who were really coming into their own personal understanding of the wrestling business around that time, the Monteal Screwjob was one of those seminal moments that detailed the seedy underbelly of professional wrestling. It drove a wedge in between the fans, and Canada has been backward ever since. Seeing Bret and Shawn, two legends in the business and aguably the greatest wrestlers in their respective generations, in the ring at the same time, speaking, shaking hands, and exchanging a brotherly hug was nothing short of the destruction of the Berlin Wall in the WWE Universe.
In the spirit of recent events and of the new year, here's a few other legendary wrestling-related feuds we'd like to see resolved in 2010.
Bret Hart and Vince McMahon
This, of course, could have been settled on Monday night, and seemed to be for a while, until Vince kicked Bret in the stomach and walked out of the ring, sneering as the show faded to black. We can't say who's really responsible for most of the animosity between the two, but it certainly seemed that we were making progress just with Bret showing up at Raw at all. Getting these two on the same page could mean a lot of good for WWE fans. Maybe we could finally get all the dirt on Montreal, or maybe Stu could get his due for the impact he's made on the wrestling business. This needs to be ironed out soon.
Bret Hart and Ric Flair
You might say this feud is more vitriolic than Shawn and Bret. Neither Michaels nor Hart ever spoke poorly of the other one's talent, and while they had personal issues, they were quick to say the other had a positive impact on the art of wrestling.
But Ric and Bret are a different story. Flair claimed that the Hitman exploited his brother Owen's death and was never a serious money-maker outside of Canada; Hart has called Flair a routine wrestler and a shady businessman. The two plain don't like each other, and for two performers that land in the Top 5 of most anyone's All-Time list, that's just sad. Not that we're looking for some sort of "dream match," because we'd really rather neither of them wrestle again, but a panel discussion would be nice at some point. Or maybe an autograph signing in Biloxi.
Bret Hart and Eric Bischoff, Hulk Hogan, and Kevin Nash
While this isn't necessarily a full-fledged feud, Hart has more than once criticised the way he was used in WCW, and has had varying degrees of criticism for Easy E and the former NWO. With all three having influence over in TNA now, it would be a huge coup for the nation's second promotion to bring over the Hitman for a little reunion (that is what they're doing over there these days, right?) TNA got their butt kicked in the ratings for the recent one-day-only Monday Night War, but could they put themselves over the top with Bret on the show? One is only left to wonder unless these guys can get on the same page.
Bret Hart and Bret Hart's ex-wives
Even though this is not strictly a wrestling feud, it is still related in that Bret Hart is involved and his family could have a major impact on wrestling were they a cohesive unit. Hart has been married twice and divorced just as often. He has four kids from the first marriage, and coming from a lineage of wrestlers, who's to say that any of these kids couldn't go on to be the next big thing. But with professional wrestling (and Bret's constant adultery) effectively destroying his relationship with his wife, there's not much incentive to pursue that lifestyle. Come on, Bret. Kiss and make up for the rest of us!
Bret Hart and Bret Hart's brain
They haven't really talked much since Bret's stroke eight years ago, and things aren't looking too good. Even though the Hitman and the left side of his body were able to work together again, he's still having some emotional issues and has no real chance at getting back in the ring for anything meaningful.
In a related note, Hart may want to make sure he's patching things up with his bicycle before going out for another ride any time soon.
Showing posts with label Kevin Nash. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kevin Nash. Show all posts
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Thursday, December 24, 2009
W.W.W. featuring the NWO and WrestleRock Rumble
On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.
So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.
Better at naming stuff then us
The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your acoustic cover of "The King of Kings" ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.
After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.
Matt's video to Adam- jbl and nwo segment
Adam's response...
Rumors are circulating that TNA is going to make 1/4's live, head to head Impact, the best show they can. For some reason they think that may entail hiring Scott Hall and Sean Waltman. Somehow, bringing in those two men and pairing them with Kevin Nash (and possibly Hulk Hogan) will recreate the heat that was the original NWO.
Of course, this video is from 2002, the time when WWE recreated the NWO for their own fiendish gains. This was almost eight years ago, and it was already old then. Why TNA thinks that putting together this group again (and not even have the legal right to call them the NWO) is beyond me.
You know (tm), we make fun of Scott Hall for being a drunk and Kevin Nash for being injury prone a lot around these parts, yet we never make fun of Sean Waltman. Never made fun of the 1-2-3 Kid, or Sixx-Pac, or even X-Pac for that matter (we may have thrown the term "X-Pac heat" around once or twice.) Why is that? He's just as much of a screw up. He's had his drug demons in the past. He once made a sex tape with Joanie "Chyna" Laurner. And Jim Cornette once famously said the only reason he has a job is because "the other guys think he's funny when he gets drunk and throws up on himself."
I'll tell you why we never make fun of him: he's worthless. He's such an inconsequential punching bag that it's not even worth our time. He can't even be a spectacular screw up, as he has gone to rehab and is dependable enough to actually show up to bookings. That's actually why TNA is bringing him in with Scott Hall; just in case. Hall could no show an event, so send Nash and Waltman out there to do the job. More specifically Waltman to, because Nash has got to be protected.
As for the video itself? Our old friend silentrock06 is back again to watermark content he doesn't own. But hey, there are many people on the net who are content thieves, so I guess we have to accept it. He did make the mistake of titling this video "jbl" when at the time he was still just "Bradshaw." Still, we can also let that slide, as maybe he just wants to optimize hits of his stolen content.
The actual narrative is worthless as the "New World Order" is content to hangout in a clubhouse most children would be ashamed to have. Bradshaw, long having abandoned this location, is mad at the squatters and jumps in with his fists a flying.
Then the NWO beat up so he would never get heat again until he changed his gimmick.
Oh, and Crash Holly is a bitch ass snitch.
Adam's video to Matt - WrestleRock Rumble
Matt's response...
"Let's fill you in on the WrestleRock Rumble, GET ON!!" - The Whitest Man in the Universe
There's no way the participants in this video didn't at least once say, "Hey guys, you think maybe this is too 80s? I'm just sayin'..." But thank you so much for not have the sense to stay away from this.
I've seen a lot of bad efforts to sing by wrestlers in the past, but this without a doubt trumps them all, because they're not just singing badly. They're rapping badly, which we can all agree is much, much worse. This is made even more terrible by giving them the directive to rhyme their next to last line with "rumble," resulting in the word "fumble" shoehorned in more than once.
"What about 'incomplete pass'? Does that rhyme?!"
Instead of making fun of all of the bad ones (because that feels so easy and hack, even though neither of those things have ever stopped me from doing anything in the past), I'd like to highlight the few shining stars in this piece.
First, VCR tracking did a nice job, or at least the best it could. Way to go!
Second, my number one faves of this one are Curt Hennig and "Big" Scott Hall. They didn't go the Midnight Rocker route and toss up some garbage in a recording studio and call it a day. No, they said, "We're going to get some time at the pool and some free chicks out of this, damn it."
They relatively keep with the beat, get shoved in the pool, and Curt rhymes "dumbos" with "rumble," which is exactly the kind of out-of-the-box thinking I'm looking for. Plus, who doesn't like the idea of Scott and Curt splashing around in the swimming pool wearing Speedos? I certainly do.
I've had dreams that start like this. Specifically, all of them.
Larry Zbyszko turns in a solid performance as well. He has a nice cadence, and he chops a coconut in half, so yeah, extra points for that.
Finally, the H.H.H Metrodome...all the more reason for Adam and I to construct the Flair Center.
So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.
Better at naming stuff then usThe idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your acoustic cover of "The King of Kings" ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.
After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.
Matt's video to Adam- jbl and nwo segment
Adam's response...
Rumors are circulating that TNA is going to make 1/4's live, head to head Impact, the best show they can. For some reason they think that may entail hiring Scott Hall and Sean Waltman. Somehow, bringing in those two men and pairing them with Kevin Nash (and possibly Hulk Hogan) will recreate the heat that was the original NWO.
Of course, this video is from 2002, the time when WWE recreated the NWO for their own fiendish gains. This was almost eight years ago, and it was already old then. Why TNA thinks that putting together this group again (and not even have the legal right to call them the NWO) is beyond me.
You know (tm), we make fun of Scott Hall for being a drunk and Kevin Nash for being injury prone a lot around these parts, yet we never make fun of Sean Waltman. Never made fun of the 1-2-3 Kid, or Sixx-Pac, or even X-Pac for that matter (we may have thrown the term "X-Pac heat" around once or twice.) Why is that? He's just as much of a screw up. He's had his drug demons in the past. He once made a sex tape with Joanie "Chyna" Laurner. And Jim Cornette once famously said the only reason he has a job is because "the other guys think he's funny when he gets drunk and throws up on himself."
I'll tell you why we never make fun of him: he's worthless. He's such an inconsequential punching bag that it's not even worth our time. He can't even be a spectacular screw up, as he has gone to rehab and is dependable enough to actually show up to bookings. That's actually why TNA is bringing him in with Scott Hall; just in case. Hall could no show an event, so send Nash and Waltman out there to do the job. More specifically Waltman to, because Nash has got to be protected.
As for the video itself? Our old friend silentrock06 is back again to watermark content he doesn't own. But hey, there are many people on the net who are content thieves, so I guess we have to accept it. He did make the mistake of titling this video "jbl" when at the time he was still just "Bradshaw." Still, we can also let that slide, as maybe he just wants to optimize hits of his stolen content.
The actual narrative is worthless as the "New World Order" is content to hangout in a clubhouse most children would be ashamed to have. Bradshaw, long having abandoned this location, is mad at the squatters and jumps in with his fists a flying.
Then the NWO beat up so he would never get heat again until he changed his gimmick.
Oh, and Crash Holly is a bitch ass snitch.
Adam's video to Matt - WrestleRock Rumble
Matt's response...
"Let's fill you in on the WrestleRock Rumble, GET ON!!" - The Whitest Man in the Universe
There's no way the participants in this video didn't at least once say, "Hey guys, you think maybe this is too 80s? I'm just sayin'..." But thank you so much for not have the sense to stay away from this.
I've seen a lot of bad efforts to sing by wrestlers in the past, but this without a doubt trumps them all, because they're not just singing badly. They're rapping badly, which we can all agree is much, much worse. This is made even more terrible by giving them the directive to rhyme their next to last line with "rumble," resulting in the word "fumble" shoehorned in more than once.
"What about 'incomplete pass'? Does that rhyme?!"Instead of making fun of all of the bad ones (because that feels so easy and hack, even though neither of those things have ever stopped me from doing anything in the past), I'd like to highlight the few shining stars in this piece.
First, VCR tracking did a nice job, or at least the best it could. Way to go!
Second, my number one faves of this one are Curt Hennig and "Big" Scott Hall. They didn't go the Midnight Rocker route and toss up some garbage in a recording studio and call it a day. No, they said, "We're going to get some time at the pool and some free chicks out of this, damn it."
They relatively keep with the beat, get shoved in the pool, and Curt rhymes "dumbos" with "rumble," which is exactly the kind of out-of-the-box thinking I'm looking for. Plus, who doesn't like the idea of Scott and Curt splashing around in the swimming pool wearing Speedos? I certainly do.
I've had dreams that start like this. Specifically, all of them.Larry Zbyszko turns in a solid performance as well. He has a nice cadence, and he chops a coconut in half, so yeah, extra points for that.
Finally, the H.H.H Metrodome...all the more reason for Adam and I to construct the Flair Center.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
W.W.W. featuring the WWF Locker Room and Kevin Nash
On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.
So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.
Better at naming stuff than us
The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your poorly digitized, music video tribute to Bryan Danielson "selling out" a'int going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.
After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.
Adam's video to Matt - Vince holds the WWF meeting
Matt's response...
This is the number one reason why I would want to work for WWE. The WWE on Earth-53, that is. You see, under normal circumstances, I'm sure company meetings are rather bland. But in the WWE universe, meetings consist of getting every character on the roster into the same room and trying to conduct a reasonable amount of business. That, my friends, would be comedy right in front of your eyes.
Take this one, for example. The title says Vince runs the meeting, and he eventually says his piece, but look who kicks this thing off. The APA. Do Farooq and Bradshaw resemble anyone you've seen at a board meeting? Ever?
"Alright, let's get this thing started." "Damn."
Next, it makes sense for Mr. McMahon to step in and rally the troops behind this hostile attack from a rival company. And just as he's getting everybody in the room on the same page, in steps the Undertaker to throw a wrench into things. Again, tell me how often that's happened around the office.
"Alright...now we'll be hearing from the director of the Death Valley branch."
As much genius as there is contained in this video, it also highlights a little thing that's interesting about the internet: false claims of ownership.
Quick, who can tell me who silentrock06 is? Any of you?
If you can't, that just proves that you're not part of the WWE, because they would know that silentrock06 owns at least three minutes and 43 seconds of their property. How do I know this? Well, his name is plastered all over this video, even so much as to garner a credit at the end, listing his name and where he posted this video - Daily Motion.
So not only has silentrock06 stolen the video from WWE, but someone else took the video from another video hosting site and put it on YouTube. And no one seems to care.
Now, granted, if people didn't post video from professional wrestling shows that most certainly is protected by a copyright somewhere, then we wouldn't have much of a column. That's kind of the whole point of what you're reading right now. However, we're not surprised when we skim through the site and notice that things are taken down from time to time. It was bound to happen.
But taking something that clearly isn't yours and then slapping your name across it, as if somehow you were part of its creation, seems quite bold indeed. It's like stealing someone's car, and then stitching your name into the seat. There seems to be a disconnect about who actually owns something.
I know I'm spitting into a hurricane here, but it's just something that bugs me. Put stuff up on YouTube all you want, but don't be surprised if it gets pulled, and don't add yourself to the credits. I suppose you could be nice about it, like the kid that uploaded a segment from Raw that Adam was watching not long ago who said "Please don't take this down; I don't own it!!!" as if that were supposed to make a difference. At least he asked nicely.
So silentrock06, I hope this is what you wanted. You've got your modicum of fame, and have even made it onto the wrestling comedy blog of record, so congratulations. Now go create something of your own, you louse!
Matt's Video to Adam- Kevin Nash Wants Batman
Adam's response...
Something tells me that this segment is not on the new Rise and Fall of WCW DVD that just dropped the other day. That's not because it's good or bad or an example of typical WCW lunacy. It's just that this isn't part of WCW. It's really part of this:
You think I'm joking? Well hear me out. There are many similarities. First, both properties were owned by Time Warner. Second, both involved sexy nurses. There also are many references to Batman, a property also owned by Time Warner.
So if you watch TNA (and I know you don't) you should know that the Kevin Nash/Jeff Jarrett feud is as long as the day is....long...I guess. One of the more noticeable aspects of it was the time that Jarrett smashed Nash over the head with a guitar, much like El Kabong. Nash would suffer amnesia, another link in the guitar shot/neurological disorder connection (I think this might be more evidence.) Anyway, this amnesia lead Nash to identifying himself only as "The Commissioner."
Above: Kevin Nash
Not realizing that Michael Chiklis is part of the Fantastic Four, Nash then states that "the Joker has escaped...the asylum...." and cries out for Batman. How a man who didn't know his own name can somehow figure out the Joker is terrorizing Gotham City is beyond me, but hey, if Vince Russo thinks it's funny who am I to judge?
Now, let's presuppose that Kevin Nash is really Commissioner Gordon. Or at least thinks he is. Why would he call Bruce Wayne to find Batman? Forget the little "wink" about that for a moment. If Nash is really Gordon, then wouldn't he use the Bat-Signal? Or, at the very least (since he mentioned Chief O'Hara, thus referencing the 1960's television show Batman), the red bat phone?
Totally inconspicuous. I'd never recognize that if I were to see it in Bruce Wayne's private study...
This is where the entire segment falls apart. Continuity is important, people! Especially when you mix up wrestling with comics! What? Stop singing "Bingo" and listen to me!
I hate you, Big Sexy. So much.
So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.
Better at naming stuff than usThe idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your poorly digitized, music video tribute to Bryan Danielson "selling out" a'int going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.
After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.
Adam's video to Matt - Vince holds the WWF meeting
Matt's response...
This is the number one reason why I would want to work for WWE. The WWE on Earth-53, that is. You see, under normal circumstances, I'm sure company meetings are rather bland. But in the WWE universe, meetings consist of getting every character on the roster into the same room and trying to conduct a reasonable amount of business. That, my friends, would be comedy right in front of your eyes.
Take this one, for example. The title says Vince runs the meeting, and he eventually says his piece, but look who kicks this thing off. The APA. Do Farooq and Bradshaw resemble anyone you've seen at a board meeting? Ever?
"Alright, let's get this thing started." "Damn."Next, it makes sense for Mr. McMahon to step in and rally the troops behind this hostile attack from a rival company. And just as he's getting everybody in the room on the same page, in steps the Undertaker to throw a wrench into things. Again, tell me how often that's happened around the office.
"Alright...now we'll be hearing from the director of the Death Valley branch."As much genius as there is contained in this video, it also highlights a little thing that's interesting about the internet: false claims of ownership.
Quick, who can tell me who silentrock06 is? Any of you?
If you can't, that just proves that you're not part of the WWE, because they would know that silentrock06 owns at least three minutes and 43 seconds of their property. How do I know this? Well, his name is plastered all over this video, even so much as to garner a credit at the end, listing his name and where he posted this video - Daily Motion.
So not only has silentrock06 stolen the video from WWE, but someone else took the video from another video hosting site and put it on YouTube. And no one seems to care.
Now, granted, if people didn't post video from professional wrestling shows that most certainly is protected by a copyright somewhere, then we wouldn't have much of a column. That's kind of the whole point of what you're reading right now. However, we're not surprised when we skim through the site and notice that things are taken down from time to time. It was bound to happen.
But taking something that clearly isn't yours and then slapping your name across it, as if somehow you were part of its creation, seems quite bold indeed. It's like stealing someone's car, and then stitching your name into the seat. There seems to be a disconnect about who actually owns something.
I know I'm spitting into a hurricane here, but it's just something that bugs me. Put stuff up on YouTube all you want, but don't be surprised if it gets pulled, and don't add yourself to the credits. I suppose you could be nice about it, like the kid that uploaded a segment from Raw that Adam was watching not long ago who said "Please don't take this down; I don't own it!!!" as if that were supposed to make a difference. At least he asked nicely.
So silentrock06, I hope this is what you wanted. You've got your modicum of fame, and have even made it onto the wrestling comedy blog of record, so congratulations. Now go create something of your own, you louse!
Matt's Video to Adam- Kevin Nash Wants Batman
Adam's response...
Something tells me that this segment is not on the new Rise and Fall of WCW DVD that just dropped the other day. That's not because it's good or bad or an example of typical WCW lunacy. It's just that this isn't part of WCW. It's really part of this:
You think I'm joking? Well hear me out. There are many similarities. First, both properties were owned by Time Warner. Second, both involved sexy nurses. There also are many references to Batman, a property also owned by Time Warner.
I know it's Tiny Toons. Same studio.
So if you watch TNA (and I know you don't) you should know that the Kevin Nash/Jeff Jarrett feud is as long as the day is....long...I guess. One of the more noticeable aspects of it was the time that Jarrett smashed Nash over the head with a guitar, much like El Kabong. Nash would suffer amnesia, another link in the guitar shot/neurological disorder connection (I think this might be more evidence.) Anyway, this amnesia lead Nash to identifying himself only as "The Commissioner."
Above: Kevin NashNot realizing that Michael Chiklis is part of the Fantastic Four, Nash then states that "the Joker has escaped...the asylum...." and cries out for Batman. How a man who didn't know his own name can somehow figure out the Joker is terrorizing Gotham City is beyond me, but hey, if Vince Russo thinks it's funny who am I to judge?
Now, let's presuppose that Kevin Nash is really Commissioner Gordon. Or at least thinks he is. Why would he call Bruce Wayne to find Batman? Forget the little "wink" about that for a moment. If Nash is really Gordon, then wouldn't he use the Bat-Signal? Or, at the very least (since he mentioned Chief O'Hara, thus referencing the 1960's television show Batman), the red bat phone?
Totally inconspicuous. I'd never recognize that if I were to see it in Bruce Wayne's private study...
This is where the entire segment falls apart. Continuity is important, people! Especially when you mix up wrestling with comics! What? Stop singing "Bingo" and listen to me!
I hate you, Big Sexy. So much.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
W.W.W. featuring A ladies' ladder match and The New Age Outlaws vs The Outsiders
On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.
So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.
Better at naming stuff than us.
The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so the million "Ric Flair, leave the memories alone!" music videos a'int gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.
After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.
Adam's video to Matt - The Glamazon Beth Phoenix vs. Katie Lea Ladder Match
Matt's response....
Yes yes, LOL Fans, you can rest easy now. I, Laugh Twin Matt, have returned from the mouth of death itself and can finally sit myself in front of a computer and type a few humorous words for your enjoyment. I know you had me in your thoughts and dreams (more than usual) and now you can put away your praying devices and breathe a sigh of relief.
And what has drawn me back to the folds of this lovely interwebs space?
A women's title match from OVW.
Are. You. Kidding. Me?
It doesn't even feature one twice-named hottie from Raw. Adam, if you're going to send me a women's match, at least send me something to look at.
Please take note. And call me?
Not that Beth Pheonix or Katie Lea are particularly ugly. Well, Katie at least. Beth could take a few trips through a De-Maninizer. But alright, let's see what this has in store.
I'll sum this up in two words: pretty awesome. Yeah, I know, put a ladder in any match and people will say "That was so EXTREME!" That's pretty much the formula that WWE lives by these days. But there are those that do ladder matches well and those that don't. These broads fall into the first category.
However, I'm not going to say much more on that. You can watch the match yourself. That's not why you come to LOL, Wresslin'. You come to see us point out the things you might have missed. The small details that slip past other "blogs" and fall into our lap clean and crisp and ready to be revealed to the world. Which is why I'll talk instead about the announcers.
You know we hate announcers around here. So much, in fact, that there's no point to do our usual bit of hyperlinking to other genius content that we've written, because we talk about how much we hate announcers all the time. Now, I could pretend that I'm a super fan and tell you these guys' names, since I somehow find OVW on television and watch it all the time. I'd pull this off by going to Wikipedia or something like that. But no, I don't care that much about them. Let's just call them Mush Mouth and Rosco P. Coltrane.
Not the dog.
Let me break down some of the stupidest things they said:
"That 150 pound ladder" - I'll admit to all you reading that I've never actually weighed a ladder, but I've carried some around, and there's no way any of them weighed anywhere near 150 pounds. That's just ridiculous. Unless they bought it from England, and I have a hard time understanding why OVW would spend over three hundred dollars on an imported ladder.
"She combined high risk and maximum risk" - Now, how exactly do you do that? You'd think maximum risk would be, you know, the maximum. I can see how you'd combine medium risk and high risk and maybe get something approximating maximum risk, though I'm not sure how you quantify that.
"Jeez o pete!" - Shut up. Just shut the hell up.
"Into the gut of Katie Lea" - I understand what you're going for here, and sure, on anyone that area would be called "the gut," but I find it hard to say that about the delicious Katie Lea. Can't you just say "stomach" or "tum tum"? Let's not conjure up images of Umaga here.
"Steven Hawking may be breathing, but he ain't getting up!" - Really? Really? We say some borderline insensitive things here, but really? I don't know. Something about him being a world-reknowned scientist makes it feel a little weird that he be ridiculed during an OVW match. Just sayin'.
Matt's Video to Adam- BG James and Kip James vs Kevin Nash and Scott Hall
Adam's response...
Dear Great Lakes Championship Wrestling,
It has come to our attention that you have made unauthorized use of our copyrighted works on your March 21, 2009 "Two Worlds Two Sweet!" live event which was video taped for distribution. We have reserved all rights on these works, first published in 1998. Your work is essentially identical to our work and used our work as its basis. The violations are as follows:
As you neither asked for nor received permission to use WWE property as the basis for "Two Worlds Two Sweet", nor to make electronic copies of the same, we believe you have willfully infringed upon our rights under 17 U.S.C. Section 101 et seq. and could be liable for statutory damages paid by the attendance and tape sales [we estimate this to be about three thousand dollars ($3,000).]
Very truly yours,
World Wrestling Entertainment
So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.
Better at naming stuff than us.The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so the million "Ric Flair, leave the memories alone!" music videos a'int gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.
After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.
Adam's video to Matt - The Glamazon Beth Phoenix vs. Katie Lea Ladder Match
Matt's response....
Yes yes, LOL Fans, you can rest easy now. I, Laugh Twin Matt, have returned from the mouth of death itself and can finally sit myself in front of a computer and type a few humorous words for your enjoyment. I know you had me in your thoughts and dreams (more than usual) and now you can put away your praying devices and breathe a sigh of relief.
And what has drawn me back to the folds of this lovely interwebs space?
A women's title match from OVW.
Are. You. Kidding. Me?
It doesn't even feature one twice-named hottie from Raw. Adam, if you're going to send me a women's match, at least send me something to look at.
Please take note. And call me? Not that Beth Pheonix or Katie Lea are particularly ugly. Well, Katie at least. Beth could take a few trips through a De-Maninizer. But alright, let's see what this has in store.
I'll sum this up in two words: pretty awesome. Yeah, I know, put a ladder in any match and people will say "That was so EXTREME!" That's pretty much the formula that WWE lives by these days. But there are those that do ladder matches well and those that don't. These broads fall into the first category.
However, I'm not going to say much more on that. You can watch the match yourself. That's not why you come to LOL, Wresslin'. You come to see us point out the things you might have missed. The small details that slip past other "blogs" and fall into our lap clean and crisp and ready to be revealed to the world. Which is why I'll talk instead about the announcers.
You know we hate announcers around here. So much, in fact, that there's no point to do our usual bit of hyperlinking to other genius content that we've written, because we talk about how much we hate announcers all the time. Now, I could pretend that I'm a super fan and tell you these guys' names, since I somehow find OVW on television and watch it all the time. I'd pull this off by going to Wikipedia or something like that. But no, I don't care that much about them. Let's just call them Mush Mouth and Rosco P. Coltrane.
Not the dog. Let me break down some of the stupidest things they said:
"That 150 pound ladder" - I'll admit to all you reading that I've never actually weighed a ladder, but I've carried some around, and there's no way any of them weighed anywhere near 150 pounds. That's just ridiculous. Unless they bought it from England, and I have a hard time understanding why OVW would spend over three hundred dollars on an imported ladder.
"She combined high risk and maximum risk" - Now, how exactly do you do that? You'd think maximum risk would be, you know, the maximum. I can see how you'd combine medium risk and high risk and maybe get something approximating maximum risk, though I'm not sure how you quantify that.
"Jeez o pete!" - Shut up. Just shut the hell up.
"Into the gut of Katie Lea" - I understand what you're going for here, and sure, on anyone that area would be called "the gut," but I find it hard to say that about the delicious Katie Lea. Can't you just say "stomach" or "tum tum"? Let's not conjure up images of Umaga here.
"Steven Hawking may be breathing, but he ain't getting up!" - Really? Really? We say some borderline insensitive things here, but really? I don't know. Something about him being a world-reknowned scientist makes it feel a little weird that he be ridiculed during an OVW match. Just sayin'.
Matt's Video to Adam- BG James and Kip James vs Kevin Nash and Scott Hall
Adam's response...
Dear Great Lakes Championship Wrestling,
It has come to our attention that you have made unauthorized use of our copyrighted works on your March 21, 2009 "Two Worlds Two Sweet!" live event which was video taped for distribution. We have reserved all rights on these works, first published in 1998. Your work is essentially identical to our work and used our work as its basis. The violations are as follows:
- Performer Brian Gerard James (aka B.G. James, aka The Road Dogg Jesse James, aka The Roadie) reciting catchphrases and mannerisms popularized during his tenure while employed in World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE).
- Mr. James referred to fellow performer Monty Sopp (aka Kip James, aka Mr. Ass, aka Billy Gunn) as "Billy Gunn", a name owned by WWE.
- Mr. James continued to refer to his partnership with Mr. Sopp as "The New Age Outlaws" a name owned by WWE
- Performers Scott Hall and Kevin Nash walked to the ring to the "nWo Wolfpac" theme music, an asset purchased by WWE on March 23, 2001.
- Although Mr. Sopp and Mr. James were advertised as "B.G. James and Kip James", commentators on the video referred to them as "The Road Dogg", "Billy Gunn", and "Team DX", all of which are owned by WWE.
As you neither asked for nor received permission to use WWE property as the basis for "Two Worlds Two Sweet", nor to make electronic copies of the same, we believe you have willfully infringed upon our rights under 17 U.S.C. Section 101 et seq. and could be liable for statutory damages paid by the attendance and tape sales [we estimate this to be about three thousand dollars ($3,000).]
Very truly yours,
World Wrestling Entertainment
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
The Stars Shine Bright
A while back we wrote about Kurt Angle's many upcoming film roles. This article may have had a bit of "Can you believe it?" sort of tone. We apologize for that. The truth is, wrestler's are natural film actors. And it's not just the big ones. Now, we all know the stories of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, John Cena, Hulk Hogan, and Macho Man Randy Savage's feature role in Spider-Man. But what about the many wrestlers who work on the independent scene? No, not wrestling for thirty people in high school gyms, but the independent film scene. Thus, we present to you a profile of some of wrestling's greatest film roles from some of its most notable grunts!
Edge in Highlander: End Game (2000)
Edge was fresh into his initial run of tag team dominance with his partner/brother Christian when he took the role of "Road Bandit" in this action/sci-fi epic that continued the Highlander series. Yes, Highlander. "There can be only one" Highlander. This was the fourth film in the series and was effectively the last until the Sci-Fi (SyFy?) channel resurrected it seven years later for a "made for TV" trilogy. So far there has only been one part made. Still, we think it's safe to assume that this opened the door for the WWE to eventually produce ECW on Sci-Fi (SyFy?). The jury is still out if this was a good thing though.
Christian in Shoot 'Em Up (2007)
Edge's brother successfully auditioned and won a role in this Clive Owen gun porn vehicle. He played "Secret Service Agent #2", a stoic man who took his job seriously and spoke no words. The Captain of Charisma led this film to a $27 million box office.
Kimberly Page in The 40 Year Old Virgin (2004)
Comedy juggernaut Judd Apatow's rise to Hollywood prominence required a little help from Diamond Dallas Page's ex-wife. And that help let us all see her beautiful b-b-b-boobies.
Two Hogs Up! (yes, that's the best screen cap we could do)
Kevin Nash in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1993) and The Punisher (2004)
Big Sexy was "Too Sweeeeeeeeeeettttt" as "The Russian" in the Thomas Jane gun porn vehicle (he also played the strong, silent type), but his breakout role was in the international sensation that was the Turtles sequel. True, Vanilla Ice's "Ninja Rap" may have stole the film, but this movie would be nothing without its climatic final battle. Turtles vs. Super Shredder.
That's right. Super Shredder.
"I'm like Shredder, only a little more...super"
You thought one Shredder was bad? Well how about a Shredder that has been infected by mutagen? Yes, rather then die of radiation poisoning, the Shredder just added a lot of mass instantly.
Kind of like that
Well, in the real world you have to cast a big dude. Two words describe Kevin Nash. They are "Big" and "Dude." So yes, he played another strong, silent type and has an epic death scene.
Rob Van Dam, Batista, and Big Daddy V in Wrong Side Town (2010)
Ok, so there's really no info on this one. But there's a porn star in it! And look at this photo!
Above: Bad Dudes
Wow, we don't know about you, but we're popping already! Popcorn that is!
Edge in Highlander: End Game (2000)
Edge was fresh into his initial run of tag team dominance with his partner/brother Christian when he took the role of "Road Bandit" in this action/sci-fi epic that continued the Highlander series. Yes, Highlander. "There can be only one" Highlander. This was the fourth film in the series and was effectively the last until the Sci-Fi (SyFy?) channel resurrected it seven years later for a "made for TV" trilogy. So far there has only been one part made. Still, we think it's safe to assume that this opened the door for the WWE to eventually produce ECW on Sci-Fi (SyFy?). The jury is still out if this was a good thing though.
Christian in Shoot 'Em Up (2007)
Edge's brother successfully auditioned and won a role in this Clive Owen gun porn vehicle. He played "Secret Service Agent #2", a stoic man who took his job seriously and spoke no words. The Captain of Charisma led this film to a $27 million box office.
Kimberly Page in The 40 Year Old Virgin (2004)
Comedy juggernaut Judd Apatow's rise to Hollywood prominence required a little help from Diamond Dallas Page's ex-wife. And that help let us all see her beautiful b-b-b-boobies.
Two Hogs Up! (yes, that's the best screen cap we could do)Kevin Nash in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1993) and The Punisher (2004)
Big Sexy was "Too Sweeeeeeeeeeettttt" as "The Russian" in the Thomas Jane gun porn vehicle (he also played the strong, silent type), but his breakout role was in the international sensation that was the Turtles sequel. True, Vanilla Ice's "Ninja Rap" may have stole the film, but this movie would be nothing without its climatic final battle. Turtles vs. Super Shredder.
That's right. Super Shredder.
"I'm like Shredder, only a little more...super"You thought one Shredder was bad? Well how about a Shredder that has been infected by mutagen? Yes, rather then die of radiation poisoning, the Shredder just added a lot of mass instantly.
Kind of like thatWell, in the real world you have to cast a big dude. Two words describe Kevin Nash. They are "Big" and "Dude." So yes, he played another strong, silent type and has an epic death scene.
Rob Van Dam, Batista, and Big Daddy V in Wrong Side Town (2010)
Ok, so there's really no info on this one. But there's a porn star in it! And look at this photo!
Above: Bad DudesWow, we don't know about you, but we're popping already! Popcorn that is!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
W.W.W. featuring Mike Awesome and Razor Ramon
On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.
So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.
Better at naming stuff then us
The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so the highlight videos of your WWF No Mercy 64 CAW league ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.
After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.
Before we get to the sillyness, we'd like to take a moment on this day after the election to congratulate President-elect Barack Obama. While we may disagree on a few issues, we appreciate the time you spent spanning the country and all the hard work you've given to your campaign. We hope you do a great job, and best of luck from both of us. Our only concern is your stance against Randy Orton. Hopefully this was only one of those fleeting campaign promises and you are not beholden to some anti-Orton lobby.
Adam's Video to Matt - Mike Awesome debuts on Nitro
Matt's response...
There's plenty to get to in this video, but let me first address the titular subject: Mike Awesome. Never has any wrestler had a more appropriate name. I mean, just look at him! If there's anything I can think that would perfectly describe that man, it's "Mike." It just fits, you know (tm)? Now...Awesome? Well, that's an odd surname, but I'm going to guess his family changed it from Ausumsky when they came to America. "Awesome" sounds much more American, and I'm glad the fella has been able to make something out of it. Great-grandfather Leopold Ausumsky would be so proud.
Or maybe not. He debuted wearing a fanny pack? Did he just go hiking, or is that the ECW Championship belt? We'll let you slide, but that's one strike. Now he's got to fit in "too sweeeeeeet" into his one, garbled line? We're not baseball experts, but I'm pretty sure that's strike two. Oh, and you're going to flip off the audience of good, hard-working Americans? That's three, for sure. What a disgrace. You Ausumsky's used to stand for something.
Seriously though, maybe try dressing like someone other than a six-year-old at Disney World. That's about all I have to say about him. Now let's discuss the injured Kevin Nash, otherwise known as the regular Kevin Nash.
No crutches. I'm pretty sure this was photoshopped.
There's not much to comment on, as his apparent shoot promo is nothing more than a daisy-chain of "jack-off" or "balls." Just to be able to live on Earth-53 for a day. If I could call everyone in my office out into the lobby, drag my boss out of the crowd, and proceed to litter the air with phallic imagery, all the while expecting a positive result at the end? What a great day that would be, and I could finally do it to someone other than the dog.
Nash does say something interesting about halfway through. He talks about how he and Scott (hiccup) Hall saved the company. He also insinuates that Shawn Michaels had a tendency of CUTTING OFF PEOPLE'S HEADS. And this little nugget was issued:
I'm going to belive a third of what you just said, Kevin Nash.
Since you're being real, I'm going to be real as well. This is Nitro. So it's sometime in the evening. And you're saying that you just got off the phone with Scott Hall. Meaning you talked to him at some point after he woke up for the night. And he was straight and sober?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I think we've all talked to some drunk friends on the phone, and we know how that conversation went.
G-G-G-G-G-G G-UNIT!!
Alright, now to Hogan. He's on the phone. He's pissed. He wants his attorney on "this." He's gonna do "that" to Billy Kidman. And he wants to eat Bischoff's asshole.
Hunh?
Actually, I don't know what he said. I've asked for audio analysis from an expert (read: Adam) and he doesn't know either. So I'd just like to believe that Hogan wants to consume Eric Bischoff's anus.
So it just makes sense that Bischoff would want to return the favor and give Hogan a hummer. It's only courtesy.
"Thanks, E. That felt great."
I'm really surprised that these two could put this seemingly intentional ramming of Hogan's limo behind them, since they're working so closely on the celebrity wrestling program. I'm sure glad they did though, because that's show is just great. Just so great.
Matt's Video to Adam- Razor Ramon Vignettes
We have another first here at LOL, Wresslin'. I'm actually reviewing not one, not two, but three videos. Granted, they're pretty much part of a series, and none of them clock in at more than two minutes, but it's the goddang principle! Still, I will do what is necessary for the good of the site and our beloved readership, and plow through these three Razor Ramon promos.
For the uninformed, Razor Ramon was a character that Scott Hall portrayed in the early-mid 90's WWF. Which is perfect, because I don't think we've made fun of Scott Hall lately. (Matt's note: just a moment ago, actually)
Video 1: Chicas are for Fun
Let's examine this man, Razor Ramon. Let's see what he's all about. He says he lives the good life. That it's relaxing. Well to us that can only mean one thing: booze. Lot's of booze. But hey, he's an adult. He can handle a few. It's not a big deal. Let's see what else he has to, oh God, what's she doing here? Listen honey, why don't you take your full body suit and jean shorts and just get on out of here! Can't you see we're filming a TV spot? Why the editor chose to just leave it in is beyond me. Mr. Ramon is trying to tell us all about his lavish life, and then this chica just struts on in, mad he never called her? We all know her reputation as the town jizz jar. Why should anyone ever call her back? You're right Razor, chicas are for fun!
Well, now that she's gone we get on with the business at hand. Although chicas are for fun, they can also be a nuisance. The Razor is sharp. He will scar your heart. But his wrath does not extend solely to uppity chicas. No, he is coming to the World Wrestling Federation, and unlike chicas, wrestling is not for fun (Koko B. Ware might disagree). Still, while he scars chicas hearts, he'll scar other wrestler's souls! Kind of like this guy:
Take one guess as to what he's been accused of doing.
Video #2- Walking in the Market
The scene now shifts from poolside to the street markets of downtown Miami. Razor says that little kids want to be like him. Just for a minute, let's step out of this Latin paradise and deconstruct the Razor Ramon character. Razor Ramon shares many characteristics with Al Pacino's character Tony Montana from the film Scarface. They both are Cuban immigrants. They both say things like, "Say hello to the Bad Guy." And it wouldn't be unfounded to say that they share a similar occupation. Tony Montana was a notorious cocaine dealer/user, and we all know that the razor is a tool used to cut up cocaine into delicious lines. So it's not completely unfounded to assume that Razor Ramon is a WWF portrayal of a coke dealer. Which is silly, because the Razor character debuted almost ten years after the film. What, Vince thinks that's enough time to market a coke dealer to little kids? Regardless, if the little kids want to be just like Razor then they should start watching The Wire post haste.
Still, what else can the kids do to become Razor Ramon? He says book learning can't do that. Which makes sense, because the Alcholic's Anonymous manual is a book, so why would he read that? And he takes what he wants? Well I think all he's taken is liver disease. He clearly never took any self respect.
Video #3- Razor in the Restaurant
First thing he mentions is "good drink." Really? Really? This is getting too easy. He question's people calling him a pig, while he has his mouth full of food? Is that intentional? Seriously, is this some sort of meta-commentary on Hispanic portrayals in the media by Scott Hall, or is it just a drunk stuffing his face full of ribs? The waiter comes over and says "Senor Razor." "Senor Razor?" Shouldn't it be "Senor Ramon?" Mr. First Name is how Japanese tourists talk! Then, in his drunken rage, he just knocks the table over. Nice.
So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.
Better at naming stuff then usThe idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so the highlight videos of your WWF No Mercy 64 CAW league ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.
After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.
Before we get to the sillyness, we'd like to take a moment on this day after the election to congratulate President-elect Barack Obama. While we may disagree on a few issues, we appreciate the time you spent spanning the country and all the hard work you've given to your campaign. We hope you do a great job, and best of luck from both of us. Our only concern is your stance against Randy Orton. Hopefully this was only one of those fleeting campaign promises and you are not beholden to some anti-Orton lobby.
Adam's Video to Matt - Mike Awesome debuts on Nitro
Matt's response...
There's plenty to get to in this video, but let me first address the titular subject: Mike Awesome. Never has any wrestler had a more appropriate name. I mean, just look at him! If there's anything I can think that would perfectly describe that man, it's "Mike." It just fits, you know (tm)? Now...Awesome? Well, that's an odd surname, but I'm going to guess his family changed it from Ausumsky when they came to America. "Awesome" sounds much more American, and I'm glad the fella has been able to make something out of it. Great-grandfather Leopold Ausumsky would be so proud.
Or maybe not. He debuted wearing a fanny pack? Did he just go hiking, or is that the ECW Championship belt? We'll let you slide, but that's one strike. Now he's got to fit in "too sweeeeeeet" into his one, garbled line? We're not baseball experts, but I'm pretty sure that's strike two. Oh, and you're going to flip off the audience of good, hard-working Americans? That's three, for sure. What a disgrace. You Ausumsky's used to stand for something.
Seriously though, maybe try dressing like someone other than a six-year-old at Disney World. That's about all I have to say about him. Now let's discuss the injured Kevin Nash, otherwise known as the regular Kevin Nash.
No crutches. I'm pretty sure this was photoshopped. There's not much to comment on, as his apparent shoot promo is nothing more than a daisy-chain of "jack-off" or "balls." Just to be able to live on Earth-53 for a day. If I could call everyone in my office out into the lobby, drag my boss out of the crowd, and proceed to litter the air with phallic imagery, all the while expecting a positive result at the end? What a great day that would be, and I could finally do it to someone other than the dog.
Nash does say something interesting about halfway through. He talks about how he and Scott (hiccup) Hall saved the company. He also insinuates that Shawn Michaels had a tendency of CUTTING OFF PEOPLE'S HEADS. And this little nugget was issued:
"I just got off the phone with Scott [Hall], and you know what? Scott's straight, Scott's sober, and Scott's in a real bad mood."
I'm going to belive a third of what you just said, Kevin Nash.
Since you're being real, I'm going to be real as well. This is Nitro. So it's sometime in the evening. And you're saying that you just got off the phone with Scott Hall. Meaning you talked to him at some point after he woke up for the night. And he was straight and sober?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I think we've all talked to some drunk friends on the phone, and we know how that conversation went.
G-G-G-G-G-G G-UNIT!! Alright, now to Hogan. He's on the phone. He's pissed. He wants his attorney on "this." He's gonna do "that" to Billy Kidman. And he wants to eat Bischoff's asshole.
Hunh?
Actually, I don't know what he said. I've asked for audio analysis from an expert (read: Adam) and he doesn't know either. So I'd just like to believe that Hogan wants to consume Eric Bischoff's anus.
So it just makes sense that Bischoff would want to return the favor and give Hogan a hummer. It's only courtesy.
"Thanks, E. That felt great."I'm really surprised that these two could put this seemingly intentional ramming of Hogan's limo behind them, since they're working so closely on the celebrity wrestling program. I'm sure glad they did though, because that's show is just great. Just so great.
Matt's Video to Adam- Razor Ramon Vignettes
We have another first here at LOL, Wresslin'. I'm actually reviewing not one, not two, but three videos. Granted, they're pretty much part of a series, and none of them clock in at more than two minutes, but it's the goddang principle! Still, I will do what is necessary for the good of the site and our beloved readership, and plow through these three Razor Ramon promos.
For the uninformed, Razor Ramon was a character that Scott Hall portrayed in the early-mid 90's WWF. Which is perfect, because I don't think we've made fun of Scott Hall lately. (Matt's note: just a moment ago, actually)
Video 1: Chicas are for Fun
Let's examine this man, Razor Ramon. Let's see what he's all about. He says he lives the good life. That it's relaxing. Well to us that can only mean one thing: booze. Lot's of booze. But hey, he's an adult. He can handle a few. It's not a big deal. Let's see what else he has to, oh God, what's she doing here? Listen honey, why don't you take your full body suit and jean shorts and just get on out of here! Can't you see we're filming a TV spot? Why the editor chose to just leave it in is beyond me. Mr. Ramon is trying to tell us all about his lavish life, and then this chica just struts on in, mad he never called her? We all know her reputation as the town jizz jar. Why should anyone ever call her back? You're right Razor, chicas are for fun!
Well, now that she's gone we get on with the business at hand. Although chicas are for fun, they can also be a nuisance. The Razor is sharp. He will scar your heart. But his wrath does not extend solely to uppity chicas. No, he is coming to the World Wrestling Federation, and unlike chicas, wrestling is not for fun (Koko B. Ware might disagree). Still, while he scars chicas hearts, he'll scar other wrestler's souls! Kind of like this guy:
Take one guess as to what he's been accused of doing.Video #2- Walking in the Market
The scene now shifts from poolside to the street markets of downtown Miami. Razor says that little kids want to be like him. Just for a minute, let's step out of this Latin paradise and deconstruct the Razor Ramon character. Razor Ramon shares many characteristics with Al Pacino's character Tony Montana from the film Scarface. They both are Cuban immigrants. They both say things like, "Say hello to the Bad Guy." And it wouldn't be unfounded to say that they share a similar occupation. Tony Montana was a notorious cocaine dealer/user, and we all know that the razor is a tool used to cut up cocaine into delicious lines. So it's not completely unfounded to assume that Razor Ramon is a WWF portrayal of a coke dealer. Which is silly, because the Razor character debuted almost ten years after the film. What, Vince thinks that's enough time to market a coke dealer to little kids? Regardless, if the little kids want to be just like Razor then they should start watching The Wire post haste.
Still, what else can the kids do to become Razor Ramon? He says book learning can't do that. Which makes sense, because the Alcholic's Anonymous manual is a book, so why would he read that? And he takes what he wants? Well I think all he's taken is liver disease. He clearly never took any self respect.
Video #3- Razor in the Restaurant
First thing he mentions is "good drink." Really? Really? This is getting too easy. He question's people calling him a pig, while he has his mouth full of food? Is that intentional? Seriously, is this some sort of meta-commentary on Hispanic portrayals in the media by Scott Hall, or is it just a drunk stuffing his face full of ribs? The waiter comes over and says "Senor Razor." "Senor Razor?" Shouldn't it be "Senor Ramon?" Mr. First Name is how Japanese tourists talk! Then, in his drunken rage, he just knocks the table over. Nice.
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