We put the LOL in wrestling (if you add an "O" and another "L", we guess.)
Here you will be invited into the world of two working, college educated gentlemen who happen to love the world of professional wrestling, but love to ridicule things even more.
Occasionally, we Laugh Twins have to admit our own fallibility. We are but two humans. Better humans than you, of course, but humans nonetheless. We have our passions, and we have our biases.
Because of these, we alienate parts of the wrestling world on a regular basis. We laugh at TNA behind the scenes, but rarely on the site. Ring of Honor may as well not exist. Even WWE products get shuffled to the side; we've mentioned WWE Superstars once, only because someone asked us to, and we can't even find ECW on television.
However, all of that is about to change. Well, it changed a couple weeks ago, but we're just now deciding to make it a regular feature. You probably know that we have a Twitter page, and until now, it's only been used to alert you to new posts on the site and very occasionally present a funny aside. No longer, LOL Fans! Today, we officially bring "TweetNA" out of beta and give it to the world!
The basic premise is this: we watch TNA Impact on Spike at 9/8c and we tweet about how silly it is. Groundbreaking, we know, but try to keep up. Sample tweets from our previous outings go like this:
Dear Sting...Affliction shirts look even worse on old men. Stick to Tommy Bahamas.
If Christy is caught with performance enhancing drugs, can we call them "Hemmeroids"?
***ALERT*** Kevin Nash tore his bicep signing a contract!!
You get the picture. Along with our own comments, we'll reach out to our long list of TNA tweeters that we're following and get their opinions as well. Take, for instance, this exchange between the Laugh Twins and new TNA color man Taz:
So you see?? Even the Human Suplex Machine is taking some time out to LOL @ Wresslin! You should too! We'll be there tonight, tweeting our little fingers off!
On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.
So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.
Better at naming stuff then us
The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your Mystery Science Theater 3000-esq alternate commentary of Steamboat/Savage from Wrestlemania III ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.
After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.
(Note: Matt is taking the week off, so our counter-part from across the pond, Ray of Wrestlegasm, is filling in this week.)
Adam's video to Ray- Tazz vs Kurt Angle (Tazz's WWF debut)
Ray's response...
After spending last Wednesday in delightful Dallas, it was time to hop on a plane and make my way to glamorous New York so that Adam could hand-deliver my video for this week.How did he hand-deliver a YouTube video? Shut up! You’re spoiling it! My love affair with New York City goes back some way, and was fully consummated when I visited for the first time in 2001 (pre 9/11). It then grew in to a borderline obsession. Despite a short MTV fueled fascination with LA, New York City has always been my number one place on the map.
Speaking of NYC, my video was cram-packed full of New Yorkers. (See what I did there?) Last week’s video didn’t require much thinking time on my part. It involved CM Punk and cheerleaders. Two of my favourite things in the whole world. Piece o’cake. Being the hard task-master he is, Adam forced me to do some actual research this week.
I had been watching wrestling for about two years in 2000, which means I was probably so fixated on The Rock when this took place, I didn’t pay much attention to it. But I have got a vague memory of this, mainly because the crowd were so bloody hostile towards Kurt Angle. New Yorkers – notoriously the most demanding and
hard-to-please sports fans on the planet.
I remember not really knowing who Tazz was. This was his WWE debut. ECW was almost impossible to catch on TV over here ten years ago. Yes, kids, there was a time when Vince didn’t own everything and download torrents didn’t exist. What a backwards age it was! But what I did figure out very swiftly after Tazz’s introduction to the mainstream was that he was the real deal. The shit. The dog’s bollocks. I didn’t know much about ECW, but I knew it was badass.
I never cared much for Kurt Angle. I know he was supposed to be dorky, but he always felt a little too ‘real dork’ for me. And when he started following Stephanie McMahon around like a lost little lamb, he crossed over in to creepy-town. There’s nothing more endearing than when a man uses a friendly hug to feel you up, right ladies?
Although, it was fun watching Triple H do the whole git-yo-hains-offa-mah-womin routine.
That being said, I’ve got a lot of admiration for Angle in this video. As someone who also came up against New York City and lost (I’ll save that story for another day) it takes a lot of guts to stand in front of some 20,000 people jacked-up on Essence-de-Brooklyn and stay cool, calm, collected and composed. I’ve got to be honest, despite fighting a good Internet war, faced with this angry mob, I’d probably burst in to tears and wait for whichever wrestle-hunk who felt sorry for me to let me cry on his shoulder. But not Kurt. He stood strong and proud. What a hero! An American Hero, no less.
Ok, so it wasn’t quite as rough as when John Cena put himself in the line of fire against RVD on ECW. That was some hardcore hostility. But still, a big Glastonbury Festival style cheer for Kurt’s stellar efforts.
And just to keep my reputation for inconsistency and flip-flopping alive, seriously, how amazing were that crowd? Thanks to the current PG rating on Raw and Smackdown, you just don’t get that kind of fire these days. And as a girl who loves her contact sports and has a healthy thirst for controlled violence, I think it’s a damn shame.
There I was, watching this video, trying to place it in some sort of wrestling timeline in my mind, when Tazz’s entrance music started playing. And as the heart monitor beep-beep-beep-beeeeeeeeeeeeped, I felt a little crunch of excitement behind my ribs, like…. NOW IT’S ON. If wrestling ever stops giving me those tingly feelings in my chest, I’ll quit. For good. And that’s not a Ric Flair-esque ‘for good.’ I actually mean it.
Ray's video to Adam- The Pulse: December 16th, 2006
Adam's response...
In the hierarchy of broadcasting, free city newspaper supplemental Youtube show ranks just above "high school morning PA announcements" and just below "Armed Forces' Radio Network." Still, we all have to start somewhere, and I suppose even Columbus, Ohio should get a fair shake (although Scott Steiner would say different). Time to put that electronic media degree to work...
Oh, the show is called The Pulse because it's a complement to "alive", the newspaper.
Anyway, do you know (tm) how you can tell if someone is a bad writer? No, not if he writes for the Columbus Alive. It's if he speaks in a very writerly way. His entire life is sprinkled with some prose dust just so he can subtly remind you that he has, in fact, read Wuthering HeightsAND One Hundred Years of Solitude. And that was just for his thesis! You should see the off beat, indie stuff in his bookshelf! John Ross is one of these assholes. He calls Brooke Hogan "fetching." I'm going to avoid the obvious joke and just center in on Mr. Ross here. Fetching? Seriously? I know it's not journalistically responsible to say "bangable" or "stupid", but you could go with a less awful word. How about "charming" or "charismatic"? Those are nonsense words which won't make you sound like a John Ross douche.
Oh, and he called the Lewis Center Walmart a "noted local hot spot." I sincerely hope that was some form of writerly irony, because if that was serious you really should go kill yourself. Kill yourself because you thought that was a good intro, or kill yourself because it's true. I really don't care. Just die face first in a puddle.
Thankfully he kicks it to the other Brooke, field entertainment reporter Brooke Williams.
I'd totally hit that
More writer exaggeration right out of the get go as Ms (I hope!). Williams describes the autograph signing as "pandemonium"
Above: A small gathering
Let's check out the dictionary definition of pandemonium:
pan⋅de⋅mo⋅ni⋅um
[pan-duh-moh-nee-uhm]
–noun
1.
wild uproar or unrestrained disorder; tumult or chaos.
2.
a place or scene of riotous uproar or utter chaos.
3.
(often initial capital letter)the abode of all the demons.
4.
Hell
Ok, definition four certainly applies. It is Walmart after all. Please continue.
Still, let's take a look at this pandemonium shot again.
See if you can find the hidden secret. Leave comments! Winner gets a prize!
It's just sloppy, and not just because of the slob on the right. No it's sloppy because we hear Ms. Williams give a camera direction right before they cut. You mean to tell me they couldn't have used some other footage. They were afraid they'd go long on an interview with Brooke Freakin' Hogan and needed to conserve as much tape as possible?
To continue the stupidity, Ms. Williams speaks to the fans. Well, not so much as speaks as much as they grunt out syllables. Here's a priceless exchange.
Brooke Williams: So uh...you're here to meet Hulk...would you say you're Hulkamaniacs?
Slack-jawed Yokels: No
And thus, you have now heard every first date I've ever been on.
At least one guy dressed appropriately
Ms. Williams continues on to interview more yokels, only this time they're famous yokels! The Hogans, brother! She asks some hard hitting questions, like how likely is a duet between father and daughter. Brooke gives the diplomatic answer of "Only if he plays bass" which is a smart move considering this bad boy, and Hulk gives the smarter answer of "Only if she wants to end her career." This can attest to Hulk's singing ability. Of course, three years later Brooke and Hulk must have recorded a duet, because that's the only explanation for her current success.
Then they segue into talking about Brooke's new albu..zzzzzzzz
I take back my previous "I'd hit that" comment
That's it for the wrestling segment, but I'd be remiss if I did not mention the closing part of this news broadcast; Hardwire, all about the, you guessed it, local music scene. Because that makes so much sense to name a live music segment after electronic hardware. It's hosted by some dork named Chris Deville. I assume that's how it's spelled since he's apparently not good enough for his own name graphic.
You're a nothing and you will forever remain a nothing
Here's a little fashion tip for the fellas out there. You might want to listen (read?) up, becasue I'm a pretty snazzy dresser and a fantastic dancer to boot. Don't ever wear a tie without a jacket. Seriously. You look like a chubby kid when you do this. And you look poor. I'm no classist, but yea, you look poor. If you don't own a jacket, don't wear a tie. It's that simple.
You know (tm) what, The Pulse? Don't even bother. I hate you so much that you're all hopeless. You know (tm) what my wish is? My deepest of all wishes. I wish I could be gang raped by a group of needle sharing homosexuals, just so I get AIDS. All for the sole purpose of having sex with you, so you can die from the AIDS that I gave you. I'm not even joking.
Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.
For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...
Please ignore the Shawn Michaels and Raw aspects of this.
Yes, the rumors are true. Our beloved color man, The Tazz, has decided to leave the WWE in pursuit of something else. It's a sad day, but we should remember him fondly. We wish him well. Let's all honor his last night on Smackdown by reading this wonderful recap and shedding one tear.
Anyway, Wrestlemania is soon. Like, real soon. And of course there is an giant eight man ladder match on that card, so what better way to build that storyline then have all eight men compete in a tag match of sorts (ooo..the combinations!)? Anyway, it was a clusterF but I think whatever team Kane was on one because he pinned someone or something. Of course, now that the match was over, let's not be adults at all and just start fighting because WHO CAN WAIT FOR APRIL 5TH WHEN WE CAN JUST GET IT ON RIGHT NOW, BROTHERS!!!??? Of course, while all those dopes fight it our, Christian (did we ever mention he returned?) decided to climb the ladder and point at the brief case for some reason. Because that will end well.
Greatest file name ever
Let's really hope this doesn't happen.
In blood feud news, Matt Hardy decided to get ready for his big match against his brother Jeff by wrestling R-Truth. That somehow makes sense. Anyway, it was funny because their tights are nearly identical.
There's only one way to tell them apart...
...R-Truth has "WHAT'S UP" written on his back
Of course, that one little difference is all the swing Matt needed, as he picked up the win. Makes sense, considering how R-Truth isn't good enough to be anything more then a lumberjack in the tag title unification match.
Of course, Smackdown is not all brutes and savages. No, the fairer sex also gets more then enough time to show their stuff.
And you know what I mean by "stuff"
Their lady parts. When I said "stuff" I was referring to their lady parts.
Anyway, it may be a secret, but I have a bit of a crush on Michelle McCool. So clearly I was excited (and I mean sexcited) that she was about to beat Maryse and reclaim her Divas title, putting her on the winning streak she'd need to be crowned Miss Wrestlemania at the big battle royal! And she was totally going to win until a certain raven haired vixen came out of nowhere to attack her! She was lightning quick and could in no way be detected!
Err...ummm
And she didn't just stop at McCool. She also attacked the solid 8.5 that is Maryse!
I swear, that somehow hurt Maryse. Don't ask me how. It just did.
Who could have seen this coming?? It was so random! Why was her music ready to go as soon as the attack was over?
Finally, the most anticipated match at Mania may very well be the interbrand Shawn Michaels/Undertaker match. Unbelievably, Michaels may be winning the psychological war here. That is, until Taker does one of his patented evil sacrifices.
Something about this is a little off kilter...
Did the Undertaker shrink?
Wait...that's not black! That's not evil! It's Shawn Michaels?!!? And he's reading Bible verses! But that's Undertaker Kryptonite! That could send him all the way to Hell!
"Curses! He didn't take this lying down!"
Yea! Smackdown! Chokeslam him down to Hell, Taker!
"Haha! Not today, dead man! I'm too wily for you!"
Ok..you won this round, Heartbreak Kid. Don't get cocky. You'll have to be at your best to even challenge "The Streak." And no, that's not an allusion to this.
Say goodbye to Tazz in style! 8/7c TazzNetwork TazzV!
As most of you probably know, Tazz has left the WWE. His contract was up, and rumor is he decided not to re-sign due to some backstage problems he had with Vince's producing style. Not that Vince would ever be mean to anyone, so we're sure this was one big misunderstanding.
Just look at that face. Totally trustworthy.
In any case, the WWE has lost a long-time wrestler and commentator and as with anyone who's spent a while in the business, there are certain things we've come to know him by that others just can't provide. So LOL, Wresslin' would like to think back on all the things that Tazz has given us over the years, as a way of saying thanks.
The Tazzmission
Get it?? It's a submission hold done by Tazz. Put the two together and what do you get? That's right - genius.
Walking out on commentary
This happened during a taping of ECW, when, to be fair, Tazz's broadcast partner Mike Adamle walked out just before the main event.
Presumably with a dude on his head.
Tazz decided that if Adamle didn't have to stay, neither did he, and walked out too. The main event didn't have any commentary, but really, did you need someone there to tell you how boring it was? Didn't think so. We think that was a smart call, Tazz.
Getting made fun of by Paul Heyman
There was a time when Tazz was an ECW legend, back when ECW sucked on its own without the WWE's help. Then Tazz came to the WWE in 1999, and soon after several injuries got behind the commentator's table. And that's where he was when the invasion began, which brought Paul Heyman into the WWE ring to cut a promo on Vince.
Towards the end, Heyman points to Tazz, whom he said once was a great wrestler, but...
...now he's a fat, little, obnoxious color commentator, and not even a good one
You're life is going wrong if Paul Heyman calls you fat, little, and obnoxious.
Tazz's Keys to Victory
This is a bit he used to do before pay-per-views. Tazz would give us a list of things wrestlers needed to accomplish to win a certain match. Being a former wrestler, it seems like the man would have some insight into in-ring strategy. Let's see some of his suggestions:
For an "I Quit" match: Don't quit!
For a "Buried Alive" match: Avoid the Hole.
For a match where a chain was available for use as a weapon: Get to the chain.
Damn, what would we do without you Tazz?
Seems like we'll have a chance to find out. Wrestlemania will be Tazzless this year. We wish him the best of luck, and would like to say he's done a pretty damn good job for himself despite being named after a cartoon character.
Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.
We've got a lot to get to and not a lot of time to do it, so let's spare any witticisms and jump right down in the smack!
First, Maryse defended her Diva's title against someone who's not important. What is important is that Michelle McCool did some monotone color commentary during her match!
And after Maryse won the Women's champ from Raw, Melina, attacked her because she's jealous! (so I assume.)
Not pictured: My tounge.
But then Michelle put her petty squabbles with Maryse away and stood up for the blue team!
Also, Wrestlemania is coming up soon, and there's a big, eight-man ladder match people need to qualify for! We have to Money in the Bank (is that really safe anymore?) qualifiers tonight, and our first one is Matt Hardy took on the recently streaking (mind out of the gutter, people) MVP!
So that happened.
Also, Shelton Benjamin took on someone sort of resembling Jeff Hardy!
Black wife beater? Check. Leggings on your arms? Check. Bad makeup? No check?
Fast paced action ruled the blue canvas! Jeff Hardy was all set to win the match and be well on his way to being WWE champion again when-!
"I stand alone in this pit of danger! (Wrrrrroooonn wrooonnn!)"
Oh no! What's Matt doing there?! He's going to distract Jeff and cost him the match! Why is he doing into the ring!?
"Muahahha! Another successful plan!", a diabolical Matt Hardy mused to himself.
NO! He punched Shelton? Why would he not attack his brother he hates so much? Shhh...let's listen to ring announcer Justin Roberts...
"And the winner of this match by disqualification...Shelton Benjamin!"
You know (tm), because the ref clearly has not been watching the company he's employed by, so he had no idea of Matt's vendetta against his brother, so the blatant DQ was only meant to help Jeff. It all makes perfect sense.
Anyway, look for Shelton to pretty much kill himself on that ladder and then be pushed down the card for the remainder of the year.
In World title news, Edge and the Big Show were going to sign the contract for their title match at Wrestlemania.
You'd figure they'd have an attorny or two present...mabe a noterary?
Both men signed the contract, which should have made their match official. But not in the court of John Cena, as he came out and decimated both men!
Then he whispered something in GM Vickie Guerrero's ear and we're going to have a do over on Monday.
Finally, in our main event, WWE champion (and not pedorast) HHH took on the Samoan Bulldozer (don't know how that's different then an American one, but whatever), Umaga!
Guess who won?
He's been lost in America ever since he lost his handler...
But he didn't win how you think he would. No, Smackdown this week was DQ city, as Randy Orton and his Legacy came in and beat HHH down within an inch of his miserable life. Hmm, if HHH was only half the man a middle aged Shane McMahon is he would have sent the Legacy on a one way trip down the Whambulence!
Why have a sandwich when you can have a MANwich!?
Oh well, you win some, you lose some. It's all in a days work! Tune in, 8/7c onto MyNetwork TV while you still can!
Adam, a native of the Garden State, and Matt, a proud Texan, crossed paths at university. They discovered they're both really into very silly things. Contact them at lolwresslin@gmail.com
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