Cash creates more cash

In case you weren't aware, WWE's pay-per-view buyrates are pretty much all down this year from last. That may seem like an obvious thing to you, seeing that the economy is in the tank and all. But historically, entertainment flourishes when financial times are bad. So why is WWE taking it on the chin this year, and more importantly, what are they going to do to fix it?

There's a few ways most of us sane people would suggest trying first:

1. Decrease the number of pay-per-views to avoid oversaturation of the market.

2. Spend more time building up feuds.

3. Avoid giving away PPV-quality matches during Raw or Smackdown.

4. Create new and interesting gimmick matches.

The WWE, however, doesn't feel like any of these are a good idea, and in order to recoup the money they've lost from lower buys, they're just going to up the price next year. That's right - the base price of a pay-per-view is going from $39.95 to $44.95 (convert it to pounds yourself, international readers). After all is said and done, a monthly event will cost you one crisp Grant.


Now we, being the internet-famous Laugh Twins, get all of our pay-per-views comped, so this doesn't really affect us, but we like to pretend like we care about those of you who aren't so fortunate. Which is why we're right there with you when we say, "This effin' blows." When more and more people are choosing to pay for groceries rather than get their hair done or buy a new gadget, wrestling pay-per-views are one of those things that fall into the "Shit I Don't Need" category, so this seems like WWE is a little out of touch with just where they rank in most people's lives.

So what would be better? Clearly we see the need for the WWE to make money, and this is one way they do it. We can't fault them for that, and neither can we fault them for trying to squeeze as much cash out of us as they can. However, there are other ways.

We would like to suggest a tiered, a la carte style of event, with buyers able to pick and choose the matches they would like to see, with the undercard matches being slightly less than the main event. A few bucks per match, with discounts to those who order several or all of them. In that way, the WWE cannot only charge a little more than they would were the prices to be broken down "per match," but they can also instantly gauge the hot storylines and the ones that might need a little more work.

Let's take a look at their last big show, SummerSlam, and see how this pricing might work:

WWE Intercontinental Championship - Rey Mysterio vs. Dolph Ziggler
Price: $2.75
Rey counts as three-quarters of a wrestler, so any match he's involved in will be discounted.

MVP vs. Jack Swagger
Price: $3.10
No title on the line, so it can't cross that five dollar mark, but this is a battle for honor. It's also got that ex-con vs. college boy vibe, so a few extra cents for that one. Who wouldn't pay for a good battle of the races?

Unified Tag Team Championship - Jeri-Tall vs. Cryme Tyme
Price: Free with any purchase
Come on...it's the tag team titles. Even Jericho can't resurrect these belts.

Kane vs. The Great Khali
Price: $5.50
It's big man versus big man! Which big man is the biggest?! Who is going to shove the other down first?! This is drama and tension at its all-time finest! (Note: we're speaking as WWE executives right now, not fans.)

DX vs. The Legacy
Price: $6.00
Yes, yes, it's a tag match, but there's no title on the line so this must be worth something. Extra $1.00 surcharge for "nostalgia," plus another fifty cents for the wrestling clinic Cody Rhodes is sure to put on. That kind of education isn't cheap, friends!

ECW Championship - Christian vs. William Regal
Price: First viewer pays $10.00. After that, it's free.
No one should be forced to pay for this, but that one ECW fan will be sure to pick it up.

WWE Championship - Randy Orton vs. John Cena
Price: $9.00
Premium billing because of "hogs" and "jorts." Also, any wrestler with an animal nickname commands an extra $1.50. Price increases retroactively to $9.75 if Cena pumps up his sneakers/smirks at the camera/attempts the Attitude Adjustment more than twice.

TLC match for the World Heavyweight Championship - C.M. Punk versus Jeff Hardy
Price: $12.00
Lots of extra charges for this one: main event match, gimmick match, major championship, face paint, match involving someone currently taking illicit drugs. $2.00 discount for C.M. Punk's product placement advertising for Pepsi. Bonus undercard match if Hardy is arrested during the bout.

T.N.A.A.R.P.?

First, allow us to apologize for being a bit late to the party on this update. Sadly, real life gets in the way of blogging sometimes, and since you're not sending us money in the mail to compensate for the amount of laughter we're bringing you on a daily basis, we can't quit our day jobs. Soooo...checks please?

Anyway, we have a quick break-down of some stats for you. There's been a lot of talk recently about TNA seeming to forget what made them a young upstart to begin with. Mainly, that whole "young" part. More and more, the locker room of TNA is looking like the signature signing convention scene from The Wrestler. With the recent signing of Hulk Hogan as a booker, which means he'll eventually hold every title the company has to offer, and the debut of Jim "the Anvil" Neidhart seem to suggest the folks over at the other promotion have been playing a little too much Legends of Wrestlemania.

But just how much is it? We decided to pull out the trusty LOLculator and crunch some of the numbers. How much has the average age of performers changed over the years? For sampling, we'll compare TNA's first three-hour pay-per-view, "Victory Road," which went down almost five years on November 7th, 2004, and the most recent pay-per-vew, "Bound for Glory," as well as throwing in some of the more high-profile signings in the recent weeks.

Let's get started with the math! Again, we did our best here, but remember, we never claimed to be a news site, and these methods may not be comepletely sound, but it seems good enough for us.

At "Victory Road," there were 43 people on the card. We didn't take into account valets or mangers. The youngest was Puma, who was 20 at the time; the oldest being Konnan and Jacqueline, who were both 40. The average age among that group came out to 29.43 years. A good portion of that group has remained with the company, a few were blown out, and a couple went to WWE.

Now, at last month's "Bound for Glory" pay-per-view, we looked at 33 performers on the card. A number of wrestlers are 23 (Consequences Creed, Taylor Wilde, and Madison Rayne); the oldest at that event were Sting and Kevin Nash at 50 years old. If you include two new members of TNA, Hulk Hogan becomes the oldest at 56, with Jim Neidhart not far behind at 53. The average age of this newer group is 34.65 years.

The major area where TNA got younger was the Knockouts division, which didn't really exist during that first pay-per-view. The only women on the card were Trinity and Jacqueline, 37 and 45 respectively. Compare that to "Bound for Glory," where four of the seven Knockouts are 30 or younger. Minus that group, the current age of TNA goes up to 36 years.

What does this all mean? Well, nothing really. Honestly, all you have to do is look at the product and you can see that they've strayed from wrestling and athleticism to something approximating WWE-lite, with a premium placed on storyline and promos. That's something at which the older guard can excell. But which came first? Was the change in focus a product of the desire pull in big names from the glory days, or did they bring in these old-timers to push the new direction of the company and teach some of the younger members of the roster the intangibles of story-telling and mic work.

If the latter is the case, we think you made a mistake with Neidhart, Dixie.