OH BABY, I like it Raw! American Bashed!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...




"The Bash" was last night, so we'll be getting to that momentarily. But first, we should cover one thing that happened on Raw last week. We have a new owner!

No, this isn't a repeat from the week before. Raw has it's second new owner in as many weeks, and really, this one isn't new at all.



Yeah, Mr. McMahon got tired of being in asinine bits, like having his limo break down and his office moved into the men's restroom (the restroom?? That's no place to conduct business! Har har har har har!!) So Vince decided to buy back Raw from Donald Trump.

Look, I know it's hack to make fun of Trump's hair, but seriously dude??

McMahon's first order of business was to make Orton versus Triple H at "The Bash" in a Three Stages of Hell competition. So, you're not going to get one overdone match, you're going to get three. Yay.

Stock up.

So, moving on to "The Bash"...

Still no.

Raw has, effectively, two matches on the card - Cena vs. Miz and Orton vs. HHH. Folks, can you tell me how many of these matches we should be excited for?


Let's start with John Cena versus that heel-of-all-heels, The Miz. Oh man, do I want to see that clean-cut and friendly Mr. Cena beat up The Miz. He's just so cocky. He needs a good butt kicking to show him the error of his ways.


Wait, who am I rooting for again?

Oh right, LOL, Wresslin' fav Mr. John Cena!

Shoot yourself if you get this.

It actually wasn't all Cena during this match. The Miz got in a little offense himself.

Apparently WWE.com writers are now getting their ideas from signs in the crowd.

But it ended just like we knew it would.


So that happened.

We also had the Three Stages of Hell match, but Orton may be in a little trouble here. It seems Teddy and Cody didn't win their tag match earlier in the night and were a little bummed out about that. These men are top notch competitors, so that's reasonable.

However, Orton wasn't having any of that. He want clear heads, since their job was to ensure that he won the WWE Championship later that night. Poor Teddy got hims feelings hurt, and stormed off. It seems he doesn't like to be a lackey for Orton. Uhh, sorry bud, but that's what you are. That's what happens when you're the unestablished member of a stable. Get used to it.

Despite the uncertainty, the match must go on. The first match doesn't take too long.

I thought "Cerebral Assassin" meant more than just hitting someone in the head with a chair.

Trips gives up one fall so he can smash Orton with a chair a few times. Doesn't really seem fair, but whatever. I don't make the rules. Seeing as the second match was Falls Count Anywhere, HHH took Orton to the outside, hit a pedigree and quickly evened up the score.

Finally, a STRETCHER MATCH! This is where you have to put your opponent on a stretcher and push them to a certain point outside of the ring. It's also, by the way, how you spell "big drama."






However, the tables would be turned again, and Orton, with a little help from both Legacy members, would retain the title.

But...

He's...right...behind...YOU...

Yeah, Hunter would get the last word, in the form of a sledgehammer to the skull of Randy. Some things just never change.

Will Orton now have to forfeit the title? What changes does Vince have in store for Raw? Will there be commercials?? Find out at 9/8c on USA!

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Trumping the competition

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Last week was the big three-hour edition of Raw, which included matches from Hackdown and ECW, so you can call it special if you want; I call it a waste of my time.

But Raw did have some pretty important things happen, the biggest of which is that the show was SOLD TO DONALD TRUMP. That's right - Vince McMahon decided to somehow sell one of the WWE's programs. We already discussed the ramifications of this on this site, so no point in me going into it now, suffice it to say we have a new man in charge around here.

Raw, however, wasn't going to let a shake-up like this keep it down, and they burst out of the gate with a Fatal Four Way to determine the new WWE Champion. I say "new" because Batista is out for a scheduled unexpected surgery on his arm. The title was vacated, so no matter what, we're getting a new champeen.

Understated, WWE.com writers. I like it.

Randy would eventually sneak in, like the "viper" he is, and pin the Big Show to the win the title. So two weeks after "Extreme Rules," the overall change to Raw is zero.

We like to mix things up around here.

McMahon introduces our new owner, and they have an awkward sounding conversation. It's almost as if Trump couldn't hear Vince at all! Like he was simply pausing to allow a response, and then going on with what he had to say! But then again, he seemed to answer Vince's questions....hmmm, technology is just so confusing.

Back to my moonshine!

Trump said that next week (tonight!) Raw would be aired commercial-free! That's pretty bold. What are they going to cut to when the wrestlers start putting a series of submission holds on each other, only to get back to the action five minutes later? I guess we'll have to find out.

However, Vince wasn't going to let this announcement outshine him just yet. He said there was going to be a 10-Man Battle Royal later in the night to determine an opponent for Randy Orton at "The Bash."

No.

They had a useless Divas match between Mickie James and Rosa Mendes. Mickie won. Maryse attacked her afterward. Does anyone care?

No.

Moving on, we have one of the more odd segments of the show. Goldust and Hornswoggle were shooting t-shirts into the crown, since apparently they have nothing better to do.


For whatever reason, the Miz felt this was his time to shine, and came out to cut his hundredth promo on John Cena. Goldust decided to speak for everyone in America, and said he thought it was a pretty tired bit and the Miz should stop. Of course, the Miz, being reasonable, took this advice and went on about his life not worried about Mr. Cena.


Or not.


That's right. He shot a midget in the crotch with a t-shirt fired from an air cannon. Way. To. Go.

Finally, it's the match we've been waiting about an hour to see - the 10-Man Battle Royal. We have some of Raw's greatest talent, like Big Show, William Regal, Matt Hardy, and the Miz. Who in the world might win??

Oh.

So yes, at the Bash we are going to have Randy Orton versus Triple H for the WWE Title.


What's that? Donald Trump says that match is actually going to happen next week (tonight!) and that it's going to be Last Man Standing match???

Be sure to tune in tonight at 9/8c on USA for no commercials and free PPV matches.