R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Smackdown for Survival

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Yes, Smackdown just kept on rolling this (last!) week. Nothing astronomical happened, but sometimes you need to be lulled into a false sense of complacency before awesome things happen. I mean, it's not like we have "awesome" guest hosts every week to keep us at a perpetual eleven, right dudes?

Also, since Smackdown was in Buffalo, NY they decided to book local girl Beth Phoenix very strong. Here's what WWE.com thought of her match.

Yup, "local athlete." You can tell she's not a WWE Diva by her ethnicity and cup size. One guess as to how this one went. Still, this match was not without it's own awesomeness, but it actually was behind the microphone. As we all know, Jim Ross got the palzees again, so he's not fit for TV. Matt Striker has been promoted from ECW to Smackdown. Still, even in this throwaway match he managed to get "local athelte" over by mentioning a peculiar history with Beth Phoenix; turns out both were high school amateur wrestler's and Beth lost to her then. Now she wants revenge!

Smackdown: Your home for jobber back story.

In other Diva news, Cryme Tyme decided that wrestling isn't really there thing. They're much better as MC's for Halloween costume contests! Four WWE Divas competed and-

Too soon! Too soon!

Also, Michelle McCool showed us that she understands what "irony" is.

Madonna/slut complex

Wait though, they're both heels! We, the WWE Universe, can't vote for heels to win! Never! Who will save us! Who else but Mickie James!

She's got a thing for blind lawyers from Hell's Kitchen

Yes, Mickie James came dressed as Elektra, of Marvel Comics and 2005 film bomb (a sequel to the panned Daredevil, natch). Yup, because I want to vote for the Diva who reminds me of my "favorite" Evansesence song.

This is just silly, but CM Punk demanded ANOTHER title match. He didn't get it, because The Boss (not him or him, but him), said he had enough. Instead, "Mr. Punk" would get what he REALLY wants; a match against referee Scott Armstrong.

Who's who? I can't tell! I'm confused!

Oh man, I really want to buy a PPV to resolve this feud!

Does the referee's union allow this kind of treatment?

Rey Mysterio walked down to the ring in his Monochromatic Ed Hardy Sadness Coat to boo-hoo his way out of a Batista bomb. Yes, tons of talk about "brotherhood" and "regret" and other things frat boys do while drinking Jager and kissing. Everything was cool until Big Dave ignited this bomb:

Or "I TELL REY THAT EDDIE DIED FOUR YEARS AGO ALONE!"

"I'm going to go drown my sorrows in a tip frosting, Affliction shopping spree."

Well, that's just unpleasant. Of course, it has been about four years or so. I don't think we can blame WWE for exploiting his death just to get heat, right? And it's not like there's anyone employed in the company who could possibly be offended by that, right?


Oh, remember how awesome it was last (two!) week(s!) when the Big Show turned on Raw to give Smackdown the Bragging Rights win? Well it turns out it's not because he loves Smackdown, but because he's SELFISH! Yes, Teddy Long offered Show a World Title match at Survivor Series if Smackdown won Bragging Rights. Show's tag partner, Smackdown's Chris Jericho, is not pleased with this. After all, he co-captained Smackdown to the title, he should get a title match.

However, notice how I said "co-captained." That implies someone else may have a legit claim to a title match. Like, other Smackdown captain, KANE! (lolz, srsly).

Well how do you resolve a dispute on earth-53? Mediation? Arbitration? HELL NO! By fighting!

Above: Earth-53 lawsuit

Yes, for one glorious night, snoozefest Chris Jericho retired and our party-host, the paragon of virtue and Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla, returned! Ok, not exactly. But he did bust out some old spots.

Although maybe it should be called the "Sycophantic hypocrite-sault"

Turds

Then he went back to being boring and won the match. Funny how that worked out.

"Yes, I get to job to two injury prone immobile guys before Thanksgiving!"

Keep in mind, for as awesome as this all is, it also involved KANE!, so there's no way we'd be happy at the end of it all. As a service to all our fans, I'm going to give you a post Halloween treat. Afraid you ate too much candy and are getting fat? Take a look at this.

Ok, now go throw up. But then come back at 8/7c and tune to MyNetwork TV to watch Smackdown! Or some other time on hulu!

You really matter, for really realz.

Major news has come out of Stamford, as WWE CEO Linda McMahon has resigned that position and no longer works for that company. Her husband, Vince McMahon, will take over her duties. The business ramifications of this are at this time uncertain (read: there are none), but her reason for leaving is interesting. Seems she's making a run at the US Senate.

Mrs. McMahon cites her brief tenure as a member of the Connecticut Board of Education as a selling point about her values and priorities for the state. She also emphasizes her financial policies and history, as well some of her campaign finance reforms. But see for yourself.



Now, if we can be serious for a minute (Lance Storm impression!), we need to emphasize again that we are not advocating nor condemning Mrs. McMahon's candidacy. But we do have a few questions that we think any concerned citizen would be curious about.

For instance, what is this successful business that you grew in Connecticut? Surely being the former CEO of a publicly traded company that has created jobs, but we'd like more information. Is it perhaps the wrestling (BAD WORD!) business? The same business that gave us this:







Or what about this moment straight out of the archives of NOW?

Vickie Guerrero vs Santina Marella Hog Pen Match 09
by arash0007

The man squealing along on commentary is running for Mayor of Memphis, by the way.

Of course, WWE's presentation of women's issues are not totally bad. They did hire Vickie Guerrero, an overweight housewife who ended up becoming one of the top characters on a network television program. And she got her position just like anyone else would get a job.

Oh wait, no she didn't. She was hired because her husband (whose previous drug addictions they exploited via books, DVD's, and storylines) died (which they also exploited) on their watch. And he was also best friends with the guy whose career in wrestling caused enough brain damage that he murdered his wife and child, and then killed himself. The same guy WWE then ran a tribute show for. And let's not forget the most recent example of a top star who "has never been to rehab" and could "heal himself" and then got busted with enough painkillers and steroids to possibly net himself some prison time. The same man who conveniently happened to leave the company a week before his arrest. So yes, we can sort of understand why Mrs. McMahon would fail to mention her company.

Except that you have to.

Any muckraker worth his salt is going to dig up this dirt. Still, there is an argument to be made that Mrs. McMahon had little to do with this. She was not involved with creative decisions, they could argue. Well the one thing they can mention is the status of her business. Yea, that stock that steadily declines.

Granted, the stock has gone up since the beginning of the Raw guest host program, but it is still down from about two years ago this time. And it's not just the stock, but PPV buys are in steady decline, as are merchandise sales. So sure, Shaq may pop the rating (money which WWE does not see), but they aren't selling their product effectively.

Does this qualify her to be Senator? We can't say and neither of us live in Connecticut, so it's relatively moot anyways. And to be fair, her policy on campaign finance is intriguing. We also don't feel that being part of the wrestling business is anything to be ashamed of. She also has the benefit of not having any skeletons in the closet (as they are out in the open), so she could very well surprise us and run a successful campaign. She could almost be the billionaire who's a common woman and being victimized by the media. It could work.

Just don't color us shocked when people don't take her seriously while they crap on wrestling some more.

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Game Changer

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Yes friends, you've made it back just in time for another recap of the greatest show on television, Monday Night Raw! Last week, we were hot off the heels of that long-standing wrestling institution, "Extreme Rules." What in the world could have happened?? I'll tell you...

We start the night with our new WWE Champion, "The Animal" Batista!! He came out to say how he won the championship for Ric Flair and all the fans and paused appropriately for cheers. That's nice and all, but we know the truth around here.


The Animal's acceptance speech didn't last all that long, because Legacy came down and kicked the crap out of him, and then did one of those things where you put a body part in a folding chair and totally step on the other end so it looks like it might hurt really, really bad.


Then Randy Orton grabbed Batista's arm and pulled it until it bent in the natural direction! Oh, but we're supposed to think he leveraged his arm against the chair and snapped it in half, so that's what happened. So Batista is taken out of the arena in an ambulance, and Orton picks up the title and walks away. Huh?? Is he champion now? I don't understand.

But apparently Orton does. He demands a match against Batista tonight (last Monday!) and says that if Batista can't make it to the ring, he wins. And Vickie Guerrero says this makes sense somehow.

No time to wonder about that, though. One-quarter of Jamaica's bobsled team beat England's own William Regal to keep his U.S. title, because we all know that people from the U.K. can't possibly amount to anything in the United States. It's a whole new world over here.

A dazzling place.

Kofi, naturally, was excited.


Another match for the Diva's title, against against Maryse, who I'm slowly growing attracted to, and Kelly Kelly, who I'm slowly following in my car. Look, you all know how much a fan of K-Squared I am, but let's be real - do any of us think she's going to be holding a title in the WWE?

No.

It looked like we were finally going to see some closure to this one-sided feud between Mr. John Cena and that doucher Miz. Mr. Cena, just off the phone with his folks, said that he would meet the Miz in the ring for a little grappling. When he went to do, that nasty bastard Big Show poked his face in and then beat up John Cena. And the Miz hit them both with a steel chair, because for some reason he's being allowed to do that.

Next is one of the more disturbing moments on Raw in a while. Vickie Guerrero came out to say that she'd be quitting as Raw GM, which, whatever. Good, I guess. Really, who cares?

But then Edge thinks this is a good time to add some insult to insult. He comes down and says the only reason he was married to Vickie was because of her power, because marrying a general manager of Raw does a load of good for someone on Smackdown. In any case, Edge says he's divorcing her.


And what did the WWE Universe do in reply?


That's right. They loved it. Here, in this ring in front of thousands of people, and millions more at home, this woman is having her life completely torn apart. Rather than a comforting look and uplifting applause, she's treated to a chorus of "Hey, hey, goodbye!" Imagine if that happened in real life. I would like to be the first to extend my hand in condolence to the former Mrs. Vickie Edge, and I wish her the best in the future.

I just can't win with guys named "Ed."
(Joke courtesy of Laugh Twin Adam)

Finally, we're at this confusing main event. Orton comes out, and then waits for Batista to appear. He of course doesn't, having gone off to have surgery to repair his torn biceps broken arm. The ref starts to count him out, until he sees an ambulance on the Titantron, the Animal's preferred method of transportation! He stops the count and waits to see what happens.


OMG OMG OMG!!! IT'S TRIPS!!!

That's right, Triple H has returned to Monday Nights, and needless to say, he came out and cut a swath of destruction in the ring.


Still, we have no clue who is WWE Champion, but that question will be answered tonight, on a three-hour edition of Raw, where all three heavyweight titles will be defended! Be sure to tune in early, 8/7c on USA!

OH BABY, I like it Raw! EXTREME RECAP

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Today is Monday, and I woke up this morning thinking to myself that it just feels so...ordinary. Nothing special about it at all. Nothing unexpected. Nothing EXTREME.

Maybe that's because the WWE continued it's great tradition of that June pay-per-view everyone has grown up loving, EXTREME RULES. All of the "extreme" has been sucked from the world, leaving us with just a bland and cageless aftertaste. So let's take a look at what happened on the Raw side of things.

MY EYES! TOO EXTREME!!

First we have a Fatal Four Way for the U.S. Title. How'd this match get in here?


You have Kofi, MVP, William Regal, and Matt Hardy. So naturally the two faces worked together to beat up their common enemy. You mostly had the heels acting as rag dolls for the crowd's entertainment.

Don't feed me no bologna, I want a Manwich.

But we can't be having title switches just yet, so Kofi found a way to conquer all odds and retain the U.S. Title. John Candy would be so proud.

Next for Raw is Santino/a versus Vickie Guerrero for the Miss Wrestlemania crown in a Hog Pen Match. Why are they having matches for this crown? If you win the Miss Wrestlemania crown at "Extreme Rules," does it really count? Wouldn't you be "Miss Extreme Rules"? This doesn't make any sense.

Seriously, this is all you need to know about this match:


Yes, those are real pigs. This was stupid. Santino wins, which pretty much means this stupid "Santina" character is going to continue.

Too soon for a David Carradine joke here? Eh, I'll skip it...

Now for the extreme WWE Title match, with Orton and Batista in a steel cage. This should be considered a handicap match, since a cage is the Animal's natural environment. At the very least, Dave has home field advantage. That was apparent, as Randy spent pretty much all the match trying to climb the fence and escape.

Why do people try to climb over? THERE'S A DOOR.

But there's no escaping this pen. These rules are extreme, and so is Batista.

I don't know how many times we've run a photo like this.

Batista hit the aptly named "Batista Bomb" and pinned Orton for the belt. So, Dave is your new WWE Champion, and we're left with one of the saddest pictures of Randy Orton to date.

I know why the caged bird sings.

Or maybe this one is the saddest...


Finally is the Submission Match. These matches can be cool, when worked between two guys who are versed at submission holds and can make things look really devastating for their opponent. This one, however, was between John Cena and the Big Show, completely tossing out any chance that this was going to be entertaining.

Is he shoving Cena into a swimming pool?

This was made all the more painful to watch since the Big Show clearly didn't understand the rules.


Seriously, if you want to know how the match went, just look at this picture:

This x 20:00 = FAIL

However, against all odds, as he always is, Mr. Cena managed to get the Giant to tap out.

And allowed WWE.com writers to caption "Submission accomplished!" I love you.

So that's Raw's portion of the big program, and it certainly set up so many wonderful things to happen tonight. I can barely wait for 9/8c on USA!

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Break a leg

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a them song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Last week (two weeks ago!), we find out that Shane and Randy are finally going to have a one-on-one! This is going to be the match of the night! One to stay up late for, if you have to, or sit through several other matches that are much more ridiculous than a middle-aged dude with a desk job taking on the WWE Champion!


Hang on, what time is it? Wait, seriously? This is the first match?? This is going to be a long night...


Oh look, Shane is getting the better of Randy, and he doesn't even need a kendo stick this time. They fought all over the ring. They fought into the crowd. They did this:


Clearly someone other than Batista's deserves to be the Number 1 Contender. Luckily for Randy, his henchmodels come down to save him from what was surely going to be the beating of his life/afterlife. MVP does his best to even the odds, but he's the US Champion, so...come on. What was he going to do? He gets tossed out close to immediately. This doesn't sound very fair, does it? Nope! And guess who has a problem with it!

Note to Ray: Please don't nick this.

Things have descended into madness!! Please, please, we need someone to reestablish order around here!

Well, damn it...

Vickie, seeing the chaos in the ring, does the only sensible thing and makes three matches with ridiculous stipulations. What's going to happen is Batista versus Teddy and MVP versus Codeman, with the winners of each being allowed to join either Shane or Randy in a later match. So, it could be a 3-1 or a 2-2 or some other combination that we can't figure out.

Vickie's WWE Booking algorithm, where X = Batista...

Matt Hardy lost a quick match to Kofi Kingston. What do you expect, though? The man still has a cast on his arm. Seriously, WWE, let this man heal! Give him some sick days or something. That is so not fair. Still, Hardy hit Kingston with the cast after the match was over, so Matt's really not doing a lot to make sure he heals properly.

Santino and Kelly Kelly were talking backstage, and it turns out that Double K is teaming up with Santino's "sister" "Santina." Kelly to the second power said she's excited to meet her. Um, hey beautiful, you teamed with Santina last week.

I keep track of these things.

We have our first insane stipulation match of the night, with MVP facing Cody Rhodes. Wow. If you had told me a year ago that the WWE would be expecting me to care about a match-up between these two, I would have hoped to not be watching wrestling by then. In any case here we are. William Regal interfered for some reason, and here was the result:

This somehow makes things better for Randy, or so the announcers said. I dare you to prove it.

Also, I want you to take note of his right hand. See it there on this abdomen? Now check out these pictures...from the same match.


IS HIS HAND PASTED THERE???

And now it's time for another segment with the Miz. Please, WWE. Stop. You're making things far too entertaining. I might just pass out. The MIz calls out John Cena again, like he was obviously going to. And this time Cena comes down to the ring. And before they can do anything, Big Show comes out and beats up Mr. Cena and leaves him laying in the ring. And why did all this happen?

WWE is written by fifth graders.

We're of course reminded that Mr. Cena was thrown through some props and is pretend-injured. Let's consider this: if Cena were really injured, and it was really a bad idea for him to wrestle, why would he let the Miz call him offsides? Who cares about the Miz? Kick his ass all over the arena, and up and down whatever town your in when you get to feeling, and perform all number of catch-phrases on him later, but you're just asking for it if you go down there hurt. You need a babysitter.

Jarred from Subway was a ring announcer for a divas match.


Why? I don't know.

Now comes Batista's chance to swing the upcoming match in Shane's favor, but in truth, it's Shane, and other wrestlers just get in the way of his awesomeness. That's probably why Batista got DQ'd as well, after failing to stop hitting Teddy while he was in the corner, marking the first time that rule has been enforced ever.

Wrestling history.

So, we'll have Legacy versus Shane. Yes a handicap match...in Shane's favor.

I know you're all bristling with excitement to find out how this match went down, and since nothing else really happened, let's skip to it. Here's the best way I can describe it to you:

Above: Self-serving drivel

Dispassionate Randy is dispassionate.

You may think I picked and chose all the points where Shane was on offense, and you'd be right, but it wasn't hard, because Legacy DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. Honestly, Shane beat them all up, and at one point had the WWE Champion set up on the announcer's table and the other two writhing in pain on the outside. Then he has to go and do something stupid.


Eventually, the heels would even the odds (because again, 3-1 aren't even enough) and smash Shane's foot between some steel steps.

Favorite picture of Shane ever.

Will Shane beat up the entire roster on just one leg this week?? I guess we'll all have to find out tonight, 9/8c on USA!