OH BABY, I like it Raw! Hell in a Cell

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Last night was Hell on Earth...well, Hell in Newark, at the very least, which isn't all that different from normal, only the WWE trucks have rolled into town.

I'll get to the recap in a moment, but let me first say a word about Rev. Al Sharpton's turn as guest host on Raw last week. It wasn't terrible, and that's saying a lot. He plugged his charity, and seemed to play along with all the bits WWE had in store for him. Thankfully, he didn't book himself into a match, so there's another plus. All in all...not bad.


You're quite welcome.

Now, on to "Hell in a Cell." We kicked the night off for Raw with a Diva's title match between Mickie James and Alicia Fox. Weee. Actually, I should be impressed. You see, as I said, that kick the night off for Raw, not for the whole show. That was actually started with a World Heavyweight Championship match between C.M. Punk and the Undertaker. However, I suppose if you played the show backward, that would be the main event, so good work Smackdown!

Mickie kept the title. Let's not waste our time on this.

The first real match for Raw was Mr. John Cena defending the WWE title against Randy Orton in a CELL! Since Randy has spent the last couple weeks getting his ass handed to him by the Marine, this should be no problem for Cena. He can spend the rest of the night with his feet up, sipping bubbly.

However, Orton was prepared, even going so far as to steal some of the Undertaker's music during the match...


Orton would eventually score the win over Cena, making him the new WWE Champion.

Next for the best show would be the U.S. title match, with Kofi and the Miz and Jack Swagger. Never have I wanted a Jamaican to come out on top as much as now.

Ok, maybe one other time.

And come out on top he would.

Literally!!

Swagger would do his finisher on Miz; Kofi would do his finisher on Swagger and get the pin. Standard three-way match ending. Kofi is still your United States champion.

The final match of the night would settled the long-standing feud between DX and Legacy. This is the rubber match between these guys, and while Legacy has the strength similar to that of the Trojan army, DX aren't just good for ribbing, leaving their swords in a sheath - they can kick some ass like Dirty Harry and his magnum!

Dongbag.


Long story short, DX won this one. We all know these young, talented and athletic upstarts can't upset some old-timers with tons of history behind them. We've seen it a thousand times in the past.

Ok, maybe 999 times in the past.

Ok, that's all for me! Tune in to Raw tonight when some quarterback hosts the show. Psssh, sports. Who cares? USA at 9/8c!

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Game Changer

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Yes friends, you've made it back just in time for another recap of the greatest show on television, Monday Night Raw! Last week, we were hot off the heels of that long-standing wrestling institution, "Extreme Rules." What in the world could have happened?? I'll tell you...

We start the night with our new WWE Champion, "The Animal" Batista!! He came out to say how he won the championship for Ric Flair and all the fans and paused appropriately for cheers. That's nice and all, but we know the truth around here.


The Animal's acceptance speech didn't last all that long, because Legacy came down and kicked the crap out of him, and then did one of those things where you put a body part in a folding chair and totally step on the other end so it looks like it might hurt really, really bad.


Then Randy Orton grabbed Batista's arm and pulled it until it bent in the natural direction! Oh, but we're supposed to think he leveraged his arm against the chair and snapped it in half, so that's what happened. So Batista is taken out of the arena in an ambulance, and Orton picks up the title and walks away. Huh?? Is he champion now? I don't understand.

But apparently Orton does. He demands a match against Batista tonight (last Monday!) and says that if Batista can't make it to the ring, he wins. And Vickie Guerrero says this makes sense somehow.

No time to wonder about that, though. One-quarter of Jamaica's bobsled team beat England's own William Regal to keep his U.S. title, because we all know that people from the U.K. can't possibly amount to anything in the United States. It's a whole new world over here.

A dazzling place.

Kofi, naturally, was excited.


Another match for the Diva's title, against against Maryse, who I'm slowly growing attracted to, and Kelly Kelly, who I'm slowly following in my car. Look, you all know how much a fan of K-Squared I am, but let's be real - do any of us think she's going to be holding a title in the WWE?

No.

It looked like we were finally going to see some closure to this one-sided feud between Mr. John Cena and that doucher Miz. Mr. Cena, just off the phone with his folks, said that he would meet the Miz in the ring for a little grappling. When he went to do, that nasty bastard Big Show poked his face in and then beat up John Cena. And the Miz hit them both with a steel chair, because for some reason he's being allowed to do that.

Next is one of the more disturbing moments on Raw in a while. Vickie Guerrero came out to say that she'd be quitting as Raw GM, which, whatever. Good, I guess. Really, who cares?

But then Edge thinks this is a good time to add some insult to insult. He comes down and says the only reason he was married to Vickie was because of her power, because marrying a general manager of Raw does a load of good for someone on Smackdown. In any case, Edge says he's divorcing her.


And what did the WWE Universe do in reply?


That's right. They loved it. Here, in this ring in front of thousands of people, and millions more at home, this woman is having her life completely torn apart. Rather than a comforting look and uplifting applause, she's treated to a chorus of "Hey, hey, goodbye!" Imagine if that happened in real life. I would like to be the first to extend my hand in condolence to the former Mrs. Vickie Edge, and I wish her the best in the future.

I just can't win with guys named "Ed."
(Joke courtesy of Laugh Twin Adam)

Finally, we're at this confusing main event. Orton comes out, and then waits for Batista to appear. He of course doesn't, having gone off to have surgery to repair his torn biceps broken arm. The ref starts to count him out, until he sees an ambulance on the Titantron, the Animal's preferred method of transportation! He stops the count and waits to see what happens.


OMG OMG OMG!!! IT'S TRIPS!!!

That's right, Triple H has returned to Monday Nights, and needless to say, he came out and cut a swath of destruction in the ring.


Still, we have no clue who is WWE Champion, but that question will be answered tonight, on a three-hour edition of Raw, where all three heavyweight titles will be defended! Be sure to tune in early, 8/7c on USA!

W.W.W. featuring The Miz/Morrison and Ravishing Rick Rude

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your compilation of favorite Macho Man entrances ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - WWE visits IGN



Matt's response...

"Who watches TV on the internet?" - Zack Ryder

That pretty much sums up this entire video. Are you really going to watch this thing? It's fifteen minutes. You can if you want, but since I already have made that sacrifice, I'm going to break it down very simply for you: Adam somehow found a video that features two people I hate more than the Miz.

How is that possible? As the number one purveyor of Miz hatred on the internet, I didn't think I could hate anyone as much as I hate him and his faux hat and his stupid hats. But I do. These two wastes that "host" this "show" have got to be the most unentertaining duo since Uday and Qusay Hussein, and we all know what happened to them.

I'll give you the positives first: John Morrison. I'll be honest here and say I never gave that dude much time, especially since he teamed up with the asshat Miz. But I actually enjoyed him in this segment. He's obviously a decent talker, he keeps the conversation moving, and he has a good amount of bits that he runs through during the "show." The dude even does what the audience probably started doing and messes with his cell phone in the middle of the "interview." I came away from this a legitimate John Morrison appreciator, so that's something.

But that's not nearly enough to save this pile of garbage from being anything other than complete and total fail. Let's first rank everyone on how much I like them. At the top are Morrison and Jessica Chobot, but she only gets by because she's kinda pretty. In reality, she seems really annoying and doesn't have anything useful to add, which puts her about on par with everyone else on set. But she still sits solidly in second behind the Tuesday Night Delight (or whatever he's calling himself now).

Yeah, I guess you can call me. But don't ruin it with your personality.

Here's where things get dicey. All huddled at the bottom are the Miz, Gruesome Greggy, El Gringo Primo, and making a special fail cameo, their floor director. Since he doesn't have a speaking part, I'll put Mr. Floor Director in third, as his only contribution is to hold up his hands to stop an impending "fight" on "set." I've never seen anyone less thrilled with their job than he was, and I've worked at a video rental store.

We'll put Gruesome Greggy at fourth, just because I can't quite hate him as much as the Miz, even though he does him damnedest to make me. Seriously, look at this douchebag:

His standard expression.

Oh, I get it. The homemade shirt and the sport coat are supposed to be ironic, huh? Ok. Man, this guys SUCKS. He has no clue how to run an interview, has nothing to endear himself to the audience whatsoever, and generally spends his time being a complete tool. Look dude, if you're going to be a typical gamer dickhead, and have total disdain for people at gaming conferences who can't talk pixels with you, quit "hosting" the "show." It's obvious the guy thinks Miz and Morrison don't know jack about games, and to an extent he's right, but the dudes are just there promoting the thing, so quit acting like you have more fans than they do, because somehow you don't.

In fifth is the Miz, and I've probably said all I need to say about that dude.


But definitely in last is El Gringo Primo, one of the worst bits of failed comedy I've ever seen in my life. Epic Movie got it more right than this guy. Here's his idea of a great character: a fat luchador who speaks in grunts. Get it??

Oh, you don't? Maybe this will help.

Put your goddamn hand down.

I don't know if this is this dude's regular bit, because I'd rather be caught masturbating to hentai than watching another episode of LiveWire, but even if it's just for now, it's got to be one of the worst ideas anyone has ever had. He has a face that you just want to punch, and you can't even see his face!

Now, as far as the purpose of this little visit, I assume it's to sell us on Smackdown vs. Raw 2009, but I can't say for sure since they barely talk about it. There is no way if I were on the fence about buying that game that this segment would make me want to get it. So if that's what you were trying to do, you failed at it.

Maybe it was to sell me on the Great American Bash. Well, telling me about your tag match against a bunch of people I couldn't care less about doesn't work either, so you failed at that too.

Or perhaps just to go and read IGN and watch more of their coverage of E3. FAIL.

These guys did absolutely nothing right. And that's impressive for a fifteen minute segment. You'd think at some point they'd hit something remotely close to passable, but they don't even wander anywhere near that neighborhood. Congratulations, gentlemen. You've made the worst video on YouTube.

Get bent.


Matt's Video to Adam- Ravishing Rick Rude Training for Summerslam 1990



Adam's response...

Oh me oh my! Is this Christmas? Have I been a good boy!? Two Warrior related training videos in just a few weeks! I can't explain how awesome this is. Seriously, after this video, well I'm pretty much like this.

Thank you Rick and Warrior. Although you two may be bitter rivals and have a match at Summerslam 1990, I'm grateful you two came together to change my life. However, that doesn't mean this entire video is flawless. I'm looking at you, Heenan.

First off, you're a fat. A major league fat. Why are you training the Ravishing one? What form of mental trickery did "The Brain" play on Mr. Rude? You're not fit to train a dog, let alone the only man who ever beat The Ultimate Warrior for a title!

Yea, take that junk in the face...

Second off, why so many locales to train Rick? This camera crew are all union! You're costing your client, Mr. Rude, more and more money when they could have cut this little training video in under an hour. But noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, you had to go for a dusk light stroll along Venice Beach because it reminds you of your favorite song! Seriously Brain, stop thinking about only yourself and maybe the Heenan family will win a GD world title.

Oh, and don't think I forgot about you:

Click to embiggen

RickModelMartel. Now, I think it's great you started up a Youtube channel and posted some older stuff from your era. I'm glad that you have become a defacto historian of the WWF, but seriously, why the Ultimate Warrior Photo? Why would you ever promote that bicycle streamer wearing lunatic? Don't you remember the countless gorilla press slams all around North America? Or what about the time he threatened to "get you in your nightmares"? Why would you ever promote this man, especially when you are promoting his 1990 Summerslam opponent!?

Am I the only one who gets it!?