Where the superstars come out to play

As you're aware, we here at LOL, Wresslin' generally focus on Raw or Smackdown. Why? It's easier, and we're lazy. However, it's fun to branch out from time to time, and that's what we're doing today.

WWE has another show that's sort of flying under the radar (not you, ECW). It's called "WWE Superstars," and features talents from all brands in what you might call a variety wrestling show. Sometimes it promotes a storyline; sometimes it's just for fun. This is where you'll see wrestlers of all stripes lock-up and do battle.

"Superstars" airs at 8/7c and is broadcast on WGN America, formerly WGN Superstation, perhaps the last superstation on the air. For the laypeople out there, a superstation is basically a non-network station whose content is rebroadcast nationwide, yet isn't a cable station either. Get all that?

Just think the old TBS Superstation back in the day, where you could watch WCW Saturday Night and then Atlanta Braves baseball, whether you wanted to or not. In fact, WCW Saturday Night reminds us a lot of WWE Superstars. Kicking back, watching talent from up and down the roster on a station from some town we've never heard of.

Atlanta? Chicago??!

So, as is custom here at LOL, Wresslin', let's take a look at what happened last week on the show.

Goldust hooked up with Sheamus (not like that you sicko). They just made out a little bit. In this match pitting the green versus the gold, it seemed everything was falling in Sheamus's favor. But Goldust tripped him up with an inside cradle, and it was all the she wrote for that mick.

If that wasn't exciting enough for you, rising L, W' fav John Morrison faced David Hart Smith. It's hard to bet against the Friday Night Delight, even if this match is Canada, and it's a good thing we didn't. Morrison topped the new Hart family dynasty, but we're not so sure a little finagling from Vince didn't go down. Another screwjob, perhaps??

Much like in our previous match with Sheamus, everything was looking good for Barry Horowitz when he faced off with Glacier. Horowitz gets in a good amount of reversals, including putting his boots up to stop a fist drop from Glacier. A Russian leg sweep here and there, and this is Barry's match to lose, which he does. Glacier puts on the Ice Pick, and that's the bell.

Finally, World Tag Team Champs Scott Riggs and Marcus Bagwell, aka The American Males, defended their titles against Harlem Heat. It's clear to us who won, judging only from the entrance music.



But we were wrong. Booker and Stevie easily got the win in this match, knocking the Boys down from their pedestal.

As you can see, this is great show! Drama and action all in one! Be sure to catch WWE Superstars, Saturday night on WGN America at 6:05 Eastern!

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Trumping the competition

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Last week was the big three-hour edition of Raw, which included matches from Hackdown and ECW, so you can call it special if you want; I call it a waste of my time.

But Raw did have some pretty important things happen, the biggest of which is that the show was SOLD TO DONALD TRUMP. That's right - Vince McMahon decided to somehow sell one of the WWE's programs. We already discussed the ramifications of this on this site, so no point in me going into it now, suffice it to say we have a new man in charge around here.

Raw, however, wasn't going to let a shake-up like this keep it down, and they burst out of the gate with a Fatal Four Way to determine the new WWE Champion. I say "new" because Batista is out for a scheduled unexpected surgery on his arm. The title was vacated, so no matter what, we're getting a new champeen.

Understated, WWE.com writers. I like it.

Randy would eventually sneak in, like the "viper" he is, and pin the Big Show to the win the title. So two weeks after "Extreme Rules," the overall change to Raw is zero.

We like to mix things up around here.

McMahon introduces our new owner, and they have an awkward sounding conversation. It's almost as if Trump couldn't hear Vince at all! Like he was simply pausing to allow a response, and then going on with what he had to say! But then again, he seemed to answer Vince's questions....hmmm, technology is just so confusing.

Back to my moonshine!

Trump said that next week (tonight!) Raw would be aired commercial-free! That's pretty bold. What are they going to cut to when the wrestlers start putting a series of submission holds on each other, only to get back to the action five minutes later? I guess we'll have to find out.

However, Vince wasn't going to let this announcement outshine him just yet. He said there was going to be a 10-Man Battle Royal later in the night to determine an opponent for Randy Orton at "The Bash."

No.

They had a useless Divas match between Mickie James and Rosa Mendes. Mickie won. Maryse attacked her afterward. Does anyone care?

No.

Moving on, we have one of the more odd segments of the show. Goldust and Hornswoggle were shooting t-shirts into the crown, since apparently they have nothing better to do.


For whatever reason, the Miz felt this was his time to shine, and came out to cut his hundredth promo on John Cena. Goldust decided to speak for everyone in America, and said he thought it was a pretty tired bit and the Miz should stop. Of course, the Miz, being reasonable, took this advice and went on about his life not worried about Mr. Cena.


Or not.


That's right. He shot a midget in the crotch with a t-shirt fired from an air cannon. Way. To. Go.

Finally, it's the match we've been waiting about an hour to see - the 10-Man Battle Royal. We have some of Raw's greatest talent, like Big Show, William Regal, Matt Hardy, and the Miz. Who in the world might win??

Oh.

So yes, at the Bash we are going to have Randy Orton versus Triple H for the WWE Title.


What's that? Donald Trump says that match is actually going to happen next week (tonight!) and that it's going to be Last Man Standing match???

Be sure to tune in tonight at 9/8c on USA for no commercials and free PPV matches.

OH BABY, I like it RAW! WWE's Lakers: Straight up Ballin'!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Hi gang. You may have noticed a little something different in that intro. Matt has a fever, so he graciously asked me to slam his favorite TV show for him today. Who knows how this will go? My guess? Poorly. I mean, look at how much punctuation is in the title alone!

Anyway, as we have been reporting for the last few weeks, last Monday's Raw was the culmination of the "Denver Debacle." I'm not going to recount it. Still, in the interest of padding out this post, here's a LOL of Vince and Denver Nuggets owner, E. Stan Kroenke.

"Your first name rhymes with two things that can describe Matt Striker!"

Kelly Kelly had a Divas title match for some reason. And actually won the match! But by disqualification, which means she doesn't get the title (boo!). You see, what had happened was Maryse threw K Squared into the announce table (it miraculously didn't break) and Double K got counted out. For some reason, that got Maryse DQ'd.

Above: Two cases of history as a table does not break and a DQ finish makes no sense

Ric Flair decided to hang out with the memories a while longer and got his nose rubbed in that doody by Randy Orton.

"Stop it! When will you learn to leave the memories alone?! When?!"

There was supposedly a very good match on the show too. Kofi Kingston defeated William Regal and Matt Hardy in a triple threat match (so much more threat!) to become the #1 contender for the United States Championship. I think that put him at 26th in the official WWE rankings. Anyway, Regal was slow, Matt had a cast, Kofi jumped a lot. You get the gist.

It's the dance senstaion that's sweepin' the nation

Winning the US title is kind of like this

Ah, time now for some genius booking from the #1 brand. In case you didn't know, there's been this Santina Marella character running around lately. She's not much of a looker, but she can sure wrestle with the Divas well. She won the Miss Wrestlemania battle royal, despite never being shown on television before then. Still, she lost her crown last week to Raw GM Vickie Guerrero, and she wants it back. Santina is also the twin sister of two time Intercontinental champion, Santino Marella. So the logical next step is to put Santino (and a lady partner) in a mixed tag against Vickie's nephew Chavo and Santino's ex girlfriend.

And of course, there's a stipulation attached. Winner of the match gets to choose the stipulation for the Santina/Vickie rematch at the next PPV. Because evil heels in positions of authority always give their opponents opportunities to make their lives easier.

Anyway, Santino copped a few feels on Mickie James and won the match. He decided to choose for his sister the stipulation (because that also makes sense).


It'll be a Hog Pen match, last seen when HHH fought Henry Godwin.


One of the few things I miss from Smackdown that's now on Raw is The Brian Kendrick. Seriously. I love the guys work, love his gimmick, think he's great on the mic. It makes me sad to see him on Raw where he's completely lost in the shuffle. So it seems the logical step is for him to find a tag partner and challenge for the Unified Tag Belts (which are barely more useful then the European championship). But first he needs to get past these challenges:

Talk about a rock and a hard place!

Luckily for TBK, he found a suitable partner! Functional retard Festus! And he appealed to the LA fans by wearing a Clippers jersey.

More history, as this is the first case of someone willingly wearing a Clippers jersey.

So yea, basically, this happened:

"Hey Dustin, that pin isn't gay enough"

Really? Really? Goldust wins? How come every time I watch Raw Goldust wins? He never wins! My life is the worst.

Anyway, onto the main event. A ten man tag where everyone wears uniforms and came out to a basketball type intro. Here are the bad guy Nuggets.

(l-r): Boring, fatso, underrated, overrated, the worst

And the good guy Lakers.

Aww, The Animal thinks he's people.

Now, I know there's an unfamiliar face in there. I'll get to that in a second. But before I do, seriously. If this were a basketball game, which team would you want? The one with the fast lean guys and the 7 footer in the middle, or the one with two guys too jacked to move, an injury prone dude, and a 48 year old fat guy (seriously, what's Lawler doing in this match anyway? Any explanation?)

Well, none of that matters, because Mr. Ken Kennedy came back from a long injury. This was his first match back. It was exciting. I mean, how did he get his own Lakers' jersey personalized so quickly without ruining the surprise? I guess it's all for naught, because he didn't last too long. He almost hurt Orton with a bad suplex, and then injured his wrist on an RKO. WWE wishes him the best in all his future endeavors.

...Kennedy....

But hey, let's celebrate good times! The Lakers won the match!

If not the actual game that night, but they ended up winning the series, so I guess it all worked out for Vince in the end. Or did it???

There, that wasn't so bad. I mean, sure there's a PPV this Sunday, but they don't need to promote that! Much better to stroke Vince's ego! Tonight will be different, I'm sure. 9/8c, USA Network!

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Flair game for the Animal

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Today's Memorial Day here in America, and as such, most of us are taking time off from what we normally do on a Monday and spend time doing other things. For me, that would mean taking time off from playing Xbox, and instead playing Wii.

Thank goodness the grocery stores are open.

Monday Night Raw, however, isn't taking the night off. Tonight they'll be in L.A. following the much public fight with the Denver Nuggets. We'll be treated to WWE's version of a basketball game, which will include only slightly less physical contact than a typical Nuggets game. But aside from that, let's take a look at what transpired last week to get us caught up.

First, Randy Orton is droning on and on about how he's still the WWE Champion. Of course, he had to come to the ring and show off his belt to everyone.

For God's sake, who put the ring in the middle of a highway?!

Orton's victory lap was short-lived, though, as Ric Flair needed to remind us that he definitely not going to leave the memories alone. Ric came to let us know that Vickie is upset that Randy exploited the rules just like every other heel in the WWE has ever done, and so at Exxxxxxxxtreme Rules, there will be a rematch with Batista in a........

STEEL CAGE!!!!!!!

Death chamber.

Why are we supposed to be impressed by cage matches anymore? Ric says now we don't have to worry about outside interference, but we all know that's not true. I mean, there's a door on the cage. It's not exactly inescapable.

Anyway, as is custom, Legacy ran in to beat up Ric, Batista and John Cena ran into the beat up Legacy, and after all is said and done, there's going to be handicap match with everyone but Ric Flair, but I'm sure he'll turn up somehow.

Next is a Diva Battle Royal for a title shot. I would normally give this short coverage, and I'm still going to, by maybe not quite as short as I would have otherwise. Maryse came to sit at the announce table, where she stayed until there were two people left in the ring - Mickie James and the ever-lovely Kelly Kelly. Maryse felt it was high time she did something about that.


She sprayed something in Mickie's face that made her roll around on the ground long enough for K-squared to come and boot her from the ring. Know what that means??

Watch where you're pointing buddy.

So now Double K is the Number One Contender for the Diva's Title, and I officially care about women's wrestling again.

Santina Marella beat Chavo in a battle of exotic cultures for our amusement. And The Brian Kendrick proved once again how useless he is - he and Goldust lost a tag match, after which The Kendrick said it was Goldie's fault, only to have the wigged one and Hornswoggle kick him out of the ring.


And here we have the Miz again. He almost scored some points with me in dressing up like John Cena and coming out to Cena's old tune "Basic Thuganomics." Then he opened his mouth and I remember that I truly hate this guy. He called out Cena again, Cena was too busy mackin' on fine womens, and Miz declared himself the victor again.

At this point, Jerry Lawler felt the need to intervene on the audience's behalf, explaining to the faux-hawked d-bag that simply calling someone out did not equal having a match. Lawler proceeded to call out Batista, Hulk Hogan, Bruno Sammartino and Steve Austin, and asked if Miz thought he should be declared the winner over all of them.

What is with that shirt, Jerry?

Then things just get stupid, as the Big Show comes out and slaps the camel clutch on Lawler for less of a reason than I just provided.

U.S. Champeen MVP beat Matt Hardy, but seeing how Hardy still has a cast on his arm and MVP won by stomping on it, I can't really call this a convincing win.

"F yo cast!"

Vickie Guerrero is now Miss Wrestlemania, after having a match against Santina. She actually did nothing but make the pin, after both Chavo and William Regal beat up her opponent. Maybe now we can be done with that ridiculous storyline.

Finally, it's the big handicap match. Big Show interfered and got Cena to go after him, proving that no matter what, a face will drop his responsibilities in the ring to beat up someone else if they feel like it. So Batista is left in a 3-on-1 situation. You know that won't last for long though, and it didn't as Ric Flair appeared to distract the trio of highly trained athletes and allowed Batista to spear and pin Randy.


Tonight, Flair is supposed to call out Randy for a fight, so be sure to see man in his prime get beat up by someone triple his age at 9/8c on USA!

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Judgement is coming

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



We start the Raw after Backlash with Randy Orton talking about that huge thing he has about waist level.

The WWE Championship, you goof!

Orton said he destroyed the McMahon family. Listen, bub, if an exploding limo can't destroy the McMahon's, you can't. Sorry. You're cool and all, just not that cool


While Orton and his buddies were out in the ring, talking about how cool they are and how they're totally going to score with the head cheerleader after tonight's big game, MVP came out and had a different idea - that he's way more important than he really is. He says that he's the US Champion and doesn't have to listen to anyone. MVP, allow LOL, Wresslin' to provide you a crudely constructed flow chart about how things work here in the WWE:


See? You're ALL the way down there at the bottom, about equal with the Women's Championship. Some of you may wonder why I put the WWE Championship above the World Heavyweight Championship. Well, it's quite simple. The WWE Championship is on Raw, so it's clearly better.

Anyway, MVP called Cody and Teddy "Abercrombie & Fitch models."

More like Blabbercrombie and Bitch

Our awesome GM Vickie Guererro thought it would be a great idea for Randy to face MVP tonight, so it's going to be a Champion versus Chumpion match.

The Brian Kendrick faced Kofi Kingston in a match that the Shakin' Jamaican won in two minutes. Does anyone care?

Vickie told the Big Show thanks for murdering John Cena at Backlash. He said it was no problem, but I guess he DID expect a little in return, because he leaned in to smooch the pooch. She gave him the cold shoulder. Sorry big guy, you're still a nasty bastard.


Next we have yet another women's match meant merely to put over a dude in drag. If you didn't think the WWE couldn't give a damn about the women's division, you should now. I'll step forward and say that I do care about these ladies going out and giving it their all, performing stunning feats of athleticism for our cynical enjoyment. Truly, it's something special to behold.

Oh no, that's actually not at all why I like it.

We're again reminded that seeing another man's privates is the worst thing in the world, as Hornswoggle gets a cat's-eye view of Santino's package while he's standing on the ring apron. The midget appropriately passes out, and laughs were had by all. Really? Is looking at a dude's junk all that bad?

If it is, I've sinned enough for a thousand lifetimes.

Matt Hardy came out sporting a fancy new cast on his arm. Apparently his wittle hand was bwoken in his match against big, bad Jeff. But he still has to wrestle tonight, which is incredibly irresponsible on WWE's part. OSHA should really look into this. And who is going to get the easy win over an injured Matt?


Matt pulled a play out of Cowboy Bob Orton's book and smacked resplendant rassler with the cast. Match over in less than a minute. Welcome back to wrestling, Goldust!

Alright, here comes this MVP match.


This newcomer on Raw thinks pretty highly of himself, and challenging to top dog is pretty gutsy.


Ok ok, looking pretty good. Obviously the switch from Quackdown to Raw was a good thing for him. Randy's getting in some offense, but this MVP is looking like he might just get the win.


OH COME ON!!


Of course, Cody and Ted run out to save to Orton and chase Shane away. Actually, not "of course," because on a normal night, Shane would have beat them up too. I guess he didn't have his pre-fight half-pound burger and shake. A little low on energy, perhaps.

So that match is over. Orton wins via DQ. Awesome.


The WWE seems to think that the best thing to take the resulting bad taste out of my mouth is to trot The Miz out to the ring. Hey WWE, you're fucking wrong.


So Miz gets out there and says he's big and tough and then challenges John Cena to a match. The Miz seems to think he's going to take on a major Raw superstar. Sorry to break this to you, but Cena is in a bodybag right now. He was thrown into a spotlight and BURNED TO A CRISP.


The Miz says that since Cena didn't come fight him, he picks up the win because of a forfeit.


Now we've got our main event, Batista versus Big Show to be the Number 1 Contender. Yeah, this one is going to be one athletic and fast-paced match.

Just take this and stretch it out over ten minutes.

Batista won, but not by beating up his opponent. No, he had a little help...in the form of JOHN CENA!!!


Look! There he is! And no gross burns or anything like that. I'm astounded, and so was Big Show, because he walked out of the ring and toward Mr. Cena for so long that he got his dumb ass counted out. Way to go.


How did Cena survive? Was it a fake Cena? How many fake Cena's are there? Which one is the true Cena? Better tune in and "cena" for yourself, tonight at 9/8c on the only network for reincarnation, USA!