W.W.W. featuring Vader and C.M. Punk

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your Scott Hall impression isn't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.


Adam's video to Matt - Vader attacks Gorilla Monsoon



Matt response...

I usually like to find a quote in these videos that stands out from the rest - something that either sums up the video perfectly or just one of those non-sequiters that can pop up later in conversation.

This is one of my favorites, not so much because of it's content, but rather the delivery, which is one of complete disbelief and outrage from announcer Vince McMahon.

"God, it's Gorilla Monsoon!"

That pretty much says all that needs to be said about this video. Vader may be a big guy (which I'm not questioning at all), and he may be pretty tough, but there are two people in life that you just shouldn't physically assault: the president of your company, and a man with the words "gorilla" and "monsoon" in his name. When those two people are actually the same person and you still attack them, I think you've made a poor choice.

It's somewhat disappointing that Gorilla goes down like a ton of bricks in this one. The only offense he mounts are some weak-ass chops (note: this is, in no way, an invitation to get chopped across the chest, because I'm certain I would go into cardiac arrest.) A big, nasty dude, Gorilla Monsoon immediately falls to the mat after a little splash into the turnbuckle (again, please don't do this to me.)

Despite this being the first time a superstar attacked a WWE president, Monsoon is not who I want to talk about here. The hero of this video, the real hero, is this man:

This is the second ref that ran in after the first one was injured and thrown from the ring. You might say he was stupid, after seeing his colleague manhandled by Vader, but I say that's just the kind of courage that's found in the best among us. Facing nearly inevitable head-butting and slamming, this ref throws caution to the wind and steps into the ring to do his job.

Of course, things don't really go the way they teach you in wrestling official school...

Worker's comp?

He couldn't have expected any less, though. But that overwhelming drive to restore order to the WWE universe took over.

Apparently this even has really polarized wrestling fans, and one went so far as to create a "musical tribute." I put that in quotes because all this guy did was take the same YouTube video (complete with factoid pop-up) and substitute the audio for Ozzy Osbourne's "Hellraiser." A tribute indeed...



Even though there's only nine comments on this particular video, they're quite impassioned, since in his description, the poster referred to Gorilla Monsoon as "that dirty old bitch Monsoon." Here's what the forces of goodness have to say:

this should be taken off youtube! - LifeSoulAz

That one is offending alot of people. Im know kiss ass or babyface lover myself, but Monsoon is someone that almost all true 80/90's era wrestling fans have nothing but respect for. Monsoon is no dirty old bitch. show some respect. - 1978mackdaddy

I don't mean to offend anyone, and perhaps I'm taking this to seriously, I like Vader, but nobody calls Gorilla Monsoon a dirty bitch. - prhowe

old dirty bitch? fuck you - heyhoergeefmijispils

Gone but not forgotten...Gorilla Monsoon, 1937-1999.

Matt's video to Adam- CM Punk heel turn speech- ROH



Adam's response...

Often times people ask how they can get a hold of us Laugh Twins. I'm a little more accessible, but Matt is a hard egg to crack. Well consider that omelet made, because Matt's Internet identity has been found.



Yes, Matt is actually Youtube poster rafitos28160. How else would he have found this obscure video that was posted yesterday? Also take note that behind all his Wrestlemania, "I hate TNA" gusto, Matt is secretly an indy mark. An indy mark who uploads ROH videos.



As for this video, it's pretty much everything bad about the indy product; muffled, long winded, and self-important. I'm all for there being an alternative view on wrestling. Trust me, we need less Hornswaggle segments (unless we get like, 5 midgets to fight the Big Show in what I like to call a "Gulliver's Travels" match) and more segments of people taking the product seriously. No, the problem lies in the fans.

We've spoken about fans before. They are, for the most part, just marks trying to get themselves over. And stop being "smart." Sure, Phil Brooks may not actually hate you. He may not be that obnoxious about his lifestyle behind the curtain, but CM Punk sure as hell is. So when he's cutting a heel promo (which was delivered great but made no sense, much like Warrior promos), don't cheer him. If you really want to be "smart" don't acknowledge what the performer is doing; acknowledge the performance.

It's a little sad that the most heat he got was when he parroted John Cena. Oh no, what a terrible thing to do to the ROH fans! Acknowledge something that's popular!

Does anyone have that friend who's into bands that don't even exist yet? The kind of guy that listens to inaudible Beatles bootlegs and wind chimes? And gets mad at pop music? What a dick, right? That's ROH fans for wrestling. It's great that you love wrestling so much that you will financially support the little guy. It's great that you found a product that you love. Seriously. But that doesn't mean the big guys are somehow evil. They have a wider audience, so they in turn may be a little blander to the hardcore. That doesn't give you an excuse though to show off how smart you are by ruining a heel turn. No one cares that you're inside to the business. If you're at an ROH show that's assumed.

I still don't get what the snake parable had to do with the devil though.

W.W.W. featuring Jake "The Snake" Roberts and "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibase

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your "How to Make Ronnie James Dio in Smackdown vs Raw 2008" video ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- Bill Apter Interviews Jake Roberts




Adam's response...

Ok kids, calm down. We'll have our fun with Mr. Roberts soon enough. But let's take a deep breath and really look at this video. There is more then one person it. In addition to The Snake we have the man interviewing him, a man known only as Bill Apter.

Who is this Bill Apter character? Well, using the finest research tools at my disposal I was able to learn that he's been writing about professional wrestling since the 1970's. He wrote primarily for Pro Wrestling Illustrated, which was a known as a "mark magazine" in contrast to the "dirt sheets." Basically, magazines like PWI kept up kayfabe and covered pro wrestling like it was legitimate sporting competition. However, think of it more in vain with Soap Opera Digest rather then Sports Illustrated. Still, if Mr. Apter is continuing the charade that wrestling is real, then clearly speaking to a legend like Jake would be quite the honor, rather then the uncomfortable, slightly smelly encounter it truly is. After all, on Earth-53, the DDT is respected!

Anyway, this is a fairly recent interview that happened at the Legends of the Ring convention. Wait, Legends of the Ring? That sounds oddly familiar. Well Jake seems to be in good spirits. For some reason though he doesn't like Cleveland. Wonder why that would be?

It's a mystery

Oh, right. Well let's not dwell on the negatives. Let's talk about the positives. Jake's blogging! Like us! He has The Raw Report. The Raw Report? Is that the best you can come up with? What about Snake's Thoughts on the Monday Night Wrestling Related Program produced by World Wrestling Entertainment (inc) and aired on the USA Network, a division of Universal? Or at least Roberts's Raw Report, keep it a little more personal and alliterative, you dolt.

Still, he says we can find this blog on his official website, which is a Myspace profile. Listen Jake, we've been hard on you before, but seriously dude, I'm a little worried. This is honest advice. A Myspace profile is not a personal website. It's not even a real website. Hell, anything .blogspot isn't an official website. It's a space on the net that allows advertisers to know exactly what you like and thus they can send me ads that say "25 and single?" I shudder to think of the ads you get when web browsing, Snake.

Anyway, I'm going to peruse the man's "website." Marital status- single. Well no surprise there. Children? Proud parent. That must be a default, because I don't think Jake is proud of his kids. I can say with certainty that his kids aren't proud of him (no I can't). We can order some great Snake merchandise by going through his handler, farmgirl (at) atlantic (dot) net. Yup, not store (at) jakeroberts (dot) com. Not even through a third party wrestling store. Nope, some female farmer somewhere on the east coast. Oh, and here's a photo of Jake and his publicist.



Wow, what young boy did he kidnap from soccer practice? Well by using the finest research tools at my disposal I was able to conclude that this "man" is a 23 year old undergraduate at the University of Florida. That's right, he hasn't graduated from the state institution of the state with the lowest educational system in the country. I'm sure he can get some good publicity. Oh, and look at this suicide note he left for all his Myspace friends!



Why are we here again? Oh right, The Raw Report!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Jake re: Orton-McMahon Thought I would do something different. And since I enjoy the Randy Orton and Jericho ending to Raw, just like to say how I think it would have been better. Can't get much better than Jericho on his knees...But with Orton, here's how I would have done it. First, I would have not let Stephanie leave the ring. Instead would have had her there and one of two things would have happened. When Vince went to fire Randy, could have had Vince duck and hit Stephanie. Then, as Vince was tending over his daughter baby-popper, then have Orton kick and do the damage to Vince. Actually not my first choice. My choice would have been Randy nail Vince as he's firing him which knocks him into Stephanie. Stephanie could go down or not, and if not, she comes at Orton who throttles her and as Vince comes up, shoves her on her ass and does the damage on Vince. But I still think, the best would be for her to be knocked down and Vince hovering over her, and as he turns and fires Orton, then Orton starts to leave and just turns and does the kick. To me, that's heat. Just a thought, and to show that this old fart still knows what he's doing, you tell me which one would be more heat. What I suggested, or what you were given. See you soon. Jake

Bill Apter would make the safest comment ever and say that, "Raw has its highs points and its low points." Jake would say "Raw should attack Stephanie." I'm going to say both comments suck.

Anyway, this is wrapping up. One last question for Snake: "How would a Jake/Rey Mysterio match go?" My guess? Badly. Jake's response? "Hopefully longer then five minutes." Hahah! Good one! Seriously. Jake showed a little humility and had a pretty good line, invoking both his own mortality and Rey's unbelievable conditioning. Nice going. What's that? He's continuing? "Because that's about how long matches go now.." Oh come on! Seriously? It's the system's fault? I bet you could still be a world champion, today, right Jake? Having a hot feud with Bob Backlund or something?

What?!? Scott Hall shows up out of nowhere? Wow! Thanks Matt, this video ruled.

Adam's video to Matt - Million Dollar Man's Thanksgiving



Matt's response...

SEASON'S BEATINGS!

Huh? It's the end of January? Well, I just thought since Adam sent me a Thanksgiving video, I had lapsed into a coma and awoken at the holidays. Which made me wonder who'd been writing my articles since then...

Well, ok, this is certainly disappointing. I mean, I agree with Jesse "The Body" in that I would LOVE to know how Ted DiBiase spends his Thanksgiving, but I tend to wonder that around, oh say, Thanksgiving, perhaps? Anyway, I'll charge ahead, being the soldier of the interwebs I am.

If the description on the video is to be believed (and since we believe Wikipedia, why not?) this is from 1987, which would make this the first Survivor Series PPV. Survivor Series has featured a lot of great superstars. In fact, just three years later, The Undertaker would make his debut at this PPV, brought in by our subject today, The Million Dollar Man. Coincidence? Yeah, probably.

So Jesse Ventura wants to know what DiBiase does on Thanksgiving, and Gorilla Monsoon imagines it's deplorable. Sure, let's paint everyone with a broad stroke, 'Rilla. Give the man a chance; maybe he feeds orphans on Thanksgiving.

Well, no. He rides around in a limo apparently, counting his money again and again. I mentioned to Adam today that this is probably the best gimmick to have at the time. Rather than Jake Roberts, who had to be greasy and carry a snake around, or even Hulk Hogan, M.D.M's thing was to go around acting like a big shot all the time. And in a day when kayfabe was protected, that was pretty cool.

So this video really has nothing to do with Thanksgiving and is more a highlight (or lowlight) reel of all of DiBiase's despicable deeds. We start with him offering a kid three hundred dollars to do ten push-ups. Seriously? This is easy. Here we go, kid. Make mom and dad proud!

He can't do it?! Come on! Look, I wasn't all that athletic of a kid, and I'm not all that athletic of a grown-up either, but I can do ten push-ups, especially if you're going to throw piles of cash of at me. And Ted didn't even have to do anything to make this kid lose. He just couldn't do it! What are you, fifty pounds, maybe? I hope your parents whipped the crap out of you when you got home and got you to chopping wood or something. Lazy kids these days.

Now this next one is just full of racial stereotyping. You have this little black kid who's challenged to dribble a basketball fifteen times for five bills. Oh yeah? A basketball? Maybe that kid likes other sports, like tennis or hockey. Why a basketball, Mr. Man? Oh, and he says it's obvious the kid needs the money. That his family needs the money. Well why is that? He's got to be poor, does he? Well, we'll see who's poor when he goes all Harlem Globetrotter on you.


HAHAHA, now that's legitimately funny. Get the kid all the way up to fourteen and then kick the ball away. That's what I expect from a top heel. Now, scoot on back to the ghetto from whence you came, young'un.

Next is a woman who's asked to bark like a dog for money. You know what, he was right to not pay her. That was a terrible job.

Well, finally he's sitting down to eat. This is what I wanted to see. Just what does one eat with a million dollars? Not turkey?? Booooo, how is this Thanksgiving? He eats squab.

Anyone who gets this reference has my undying respect.

His last act is kicking kids out of the pool. Somehow, I think this was set up. I can't quite figure out why, but something about that reverse angle from inside the pool manager's booth is fishy. Anyway, Virgil helps the guy out and gets the kid out. Some might again think this is staged, seeing as how all the kids file out in a disciplined manner. Honestly though, are you going to argue with this guy?

Lifeguard on duty

At the end, we see Ted DiBiase driving around in an expensive car. You know how I know it's expensive? Because he can record his lines while driving with the top down and there's not a hint of wind or road noise. Now THAT'S impressive, sir!

W.W.W. featuring Bobby "The Brain" Heenan/Gorilla Monsoon and Lance Storm

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your photo slideshow of Trish Stratus thong pics ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Lance Storm accused of steroid use

This is a first for W.W.W., and considering this is only the third week that the feature has existed, this doesn't bode well for the future. We like to include the video from which we drew our inspiration to write; that way you can follow along and laugh with us. Now, the first week required a little extra effort, but we managed to get the video posted like good bloggers do. This time, no such internet trickery or technical savvy can help us, since YouTube has deemed to remove the video due to "terms of use violation." Don't believe me? Ok.

Not wanting to disappoint our faithful reader, and too stubborn to make a last minute change and pick a different video, we will soldier on and post just as we would have had YouTube not torpedoed our creativity.

Pictured: steroids, talent

FADE IN

INT--DINGY GYM, SOMEWHERE IN PENNSYLVANIA

FANS cheer loudly, smoke permeates the hall, as if several fires were started and suddenly extinguished. The ring is empty, and a sense of anticipation is palpable. Suddenly, LANCE STORM charges through the curtain, not quite running, but moving as if pushed by a unseen force. Something drives LANCE to enter the ring. His face a chiseled vision of seriousness.


LANCE is followed closely by DAWN MARIE, a figure of feminine grace and masculine features. DAWN is carrying a velvet bag.



LANCE enters the ring and grabs a microphone, stamping around like an angry bull from one rope to the other. DAWN watches in awe; this is a terrifying yet impressive scene of passion and excellence. LANCE speaks into the mic, as if hacking up a hairball.

LANCE
Tommy Dreamer accused me of using steroids!!

FANS shrug in apathy.

LANCE
Just look at me...if I used steroids, don't you think my career would be going a little better than it is right now? I mean, come on. However, I know we live in a terribly cynical world, and none of you can take me at face value, since you've all probably lied so much in your lives that you don't think anyone is trustworthy!

LANCE gestures to DAWN to come closer. DAWN walks over and reaches her hand into the velvet bag.

LANCE
So for all of you and for Tommy in the back, I've decided to take a drug test here in the ring!

DAWN produces a plastic cup of urine! DAWN parades it around the ring, like a perverted car model.


(Author's note: Dawn, if your career involves you carrying excrement in a velvet bag, do something else.)

LANCE
And when I say, "In the ring," I mean I brought this from backstage, so there's no way to prove when I did it or if this is even mine!

A FAN whistles and asks for DAWN's phone number.

LANCE
So now, Tommy Dreamer, you come down here and prove that you're not on steroids. I have an empty cup here for you! So get down here now.

Tension is in the air, smelling of body odor masked with High Karate. Suddenly, the camera cuts to the ramp/emergency exit and TOMMY DREAMER comes down wearing an ECW/upcoming PPV/local sports team shirt. TOMMY enters the ring and immediately attacks LANCE. LANCE takes a bump, because that's all he knows to do. TOMMY then sets his sights on DAWN, not intelligent enough to clear the ring. He grabs her and pushes DAWN around. FANS cheer because they plan on doing the same thing to their old ladies when they get home.



TOMMY gains control of the urine and stands over LANCE's unconsious body. He rips the top off the cup! TOMMY drinks the urine!!



Huh? He doesn't? I thought that was his gimmick. Ok, then...



TOMMY pours the urine on LANCE!! FANS explode in raucous cheering!!

TOMMY
I guess that just proves it's far better to get pissed off than pissed on.

FADE OUT

There. I did the best I could. However, we decided that since we couldn't produce the actual video of this scene, we'd give you something equally compelling. Have fun!



Matt's video to Adam- Gorilla Monsoon Makes Fun Of Heenan's Neck Injury By Patera


Adam's response...

Rorschach’s Journal. October 22^nd 2008, 0:10 into video- Craig DuJour’s newscast leaves a bad taste in my mouth. He wears a blazer with a WWF logo on it. Snazzy dresser. However, he is pampered and decadent, betraying even his own shallow, liberal affectations. Possibly homosexual? Must remember to investigate further.

News footage of a civilized debate between old colleagues is shown. Ken Patera claims Bobby “The Brain” Heenan sold him out. That his two years in prison was Heenan’s fault. Heenan does not take kindly to this. Whips him with belt. Heh heh. Not very smart, Brain. Man in singlet seems to choke out Bobby.

Rorschach’s Journal, October 22^nd 2008, 1:20 into video- Days later. The Brain has a sprained neck. Claims it feels as if it is broken. This I would like to see. Claims man named Hercules will take care of Patera. Claims Hercules is the strongest man. How convenient. I leave the human cockroaches to discuss their heroin and child pornography. I have business elsewhere, with a better class of person.

Rorschach’s Journal, October 22^nd 2008, 1:55 into video- Gorilla Monsoon enters the picture. I have often thought that the most terrifying combination of words in the English language is “Gorilla Monsoon.”

Better lock yourself in the basement.

Him and Brain engage in more bickering. I am sensing a pattern with Mr. Heenan.

Rorschach’s Journal, October 22^nd 2008, 2:25 into video- Heenan moves neck, despite claims of sprain. He is not an honest man. His contrast with Gorilla has taught me much. There is good and there is evil, and evil must be punished. Even in the face of Armageddon I shall not compromise in this.

Where did this air and who would watch this? Why is a news show sponsored by a magazine under the same corporate umbrella? This is illegal in accordance with the Fairness Doctrine. Although I do not like the liberal restrictions on free market news broadcasting, law is law, and it must be upheld. These are all perplexing questions that demand answers. There will come a day where the accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout “Save us!” And I'll look down, and whisper “no.”

Hurm.