W.W.W. featuring RVD and Jay Lethal

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your poorly-edited explanation of Chris Jericho's "Save.Us" promos ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Rob Van Dam and Booker T's Rocking New Year's Eve



Matt's response...

You know what I like about RVD? Well, first, I'll tell you that there's not too many things I like about him, period. His wrestling, while athletic and daring, is mostly stale, and he's in the bottom one percent for mic skills. Seriously, I think the Great Khali is better, and the most that he's said is screaming incoherently at telephones. I don't find him an entertaining character in the least, but other people do, and I think that those other people are stupid.

However, I'll tell you what I do like about him, and that's that he doesn't give a shit. RVD's job is to wrestle, and he's lost that job in the past because of his frequent, and public, drug use. Despite this, his user name on YouTube is "RVDTV420." 420, really? You know who celebrates 420, RVD? College students and the unemployed.

Let me amend that. Those are not the only people who celebrate 420; those are just the only people that it's somewhat acceptable that they should celebrate it.

Oh, and heads of state.

Here's another thing: this is a New Year's Eve video, presumably shot on New Year's Eve, and directly relevant to New Year's Eve. When did RVD think it was appropriate to post this 47 second descent into a pot-fueled madness? June 1st, 2009. Somehow, we're more timely than he is.

Also, where the hell is the Masterpiece? What has he got better to do? Why wouldn't you want to hang out with a bunch of guys who indulge you and actually refer to you as "The Masterpiece"?

Speaking of the Masterpiece, while "researching" this article, I came across the unofficial Chris Masters website, the banner of which informs me that Masters had sexual intercourse with my mother. I'm not sure how this fellow who runs the site would have that sort of information, but I'm just going to assume it's validity. MASTERBURN~! ONLINE also says that the Masterpiece hates HBO television series, and his penis is desired by no less than eight "hot" celebrities, such as Tara Reid, Alanis Morrisette, and Shannon Elizabeth.

This site is either the greatest true fan page in history, or a well-crafted satire, and I wish that somehow it's both, because it's genius on either level. For instance, we're given the definition of Masterglitter:

Masters's robe is made of glitter. When Masters takes the robe off, you can see bits of glitter on his awesome shoulders. That my friends, is Masterglitter.

He also gives us a few Masterburns, meaning times when Chris Masters totally put someone in their place, such as:

"Go ahead and have a seat, sir."

and...

"I got this one-way ticket to anywhere in the United States, because let's face it, anywhere is better than being in Omaha, Nebraska."

Well, RVD, Chris Masters didn't show up to your NYE party, so you might as well consider yourself Masterburned. Face! Masterface!

Matt's video to Adam- Black Machismo Jay Lethal Interview



Adam's response...

The video game TNA Impact! was released on September 9th, 2008. MikeReganGR (the interviewer in the video) decided to post this video to Youtube.



Listen, I can't blame him for keeping this one on the shelf for a while; it's pretty terrible. First off, his mic is WAY too hot. Second, he's a fat mess who should be....well something rather than seen. I mean, how could we miss something THAT huge, but you catch my drift.



Of course, Mr. Regan is not the only not-ready-for-prime-time player. No, Mr. Lethal is pretty terrible as well. Here are his first few words:

"Well....uhhh...so faruh...we've doneuh, um, the motion capture. Mo-cap is what they call it. "

Things noticeably pick up when discussion turns to The Machoman Randy Savage. And why shouldn't it? The Machoman is the best thing to ever happen to professional wrestling. Not Hogan. Not Bret. Not even LOL, Wresslin. Nope, it's Macho.

Seriously, in addition to being a former world champion, thespian, and Slim Jim endorser, he's also a master rapper. You know (tm) this. This is also why we here love Jay Lethal.

Yes, Mr Lethal is one of the 3,000 crazies who actually own Be a Man. I can send Jay Lethal a text message (we're both from New Jersey, natch) that says "Solemn Piano" and he will text me back "In today's news, Macho Man Randy Savage has signed a recording contract with Big 3 Records as a rap artist." Be a Man is a bond thicker then blood.

Also, Jay Lethal says he's not good at rapping, which is stupid because he's black.

Also stupid: Christopher Daniels cutting a promo to a venue that no one will ever see.

Even more stupid: Lethal saying that Hogan should "be a man." He's your boss now, dude.

Although that never stopped one guy

The Stars Shine Bright

A while back we wrote about Kurt Angle's many upcoming film roles. This article may have had a bit of "Can you believe it?" sort of tone. We apologize for that. The truth is, wrestler's are natural film actors. And it's not just the big ones. Now, we all know the stories of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, John Cena, Hulk Hogan, and Macho Man Randy Savage's feature role in Spider-Man. But what about the many wrestlers who work on the independent scene? No, not wrestling for thirty people in high school gyms, but the independent film scene. Thus, we present to you a profile of some of wrestling's greatest film roles from some of its most notable grunts!

Edge in Highlander: End Game (2000)

Edge was fresh into his initial run of tag team dominance with his partner/brother Christian when he took the role of "Road Bandit" in this action/sci-fi epic that continued the Highlander series. Yes, Highlander. "There can be only one" Highlander. This was the fourth film in the series and was effectively the last until the Sci-Fi (SyFy?) channel resurrected it seven years later for a "made for TV" trilogy. So far there has only been one part made. Still, we think it's safe to assume that this opened the door for the WWE to eventually produce ECW on Sci-Fi (SyFy?). The jury is still out if this was a good thing though.

Christian in Shoot 'Em Up (2007)

Edge's brother successfully auditioned and won a role in this Clive Owen gun porn vehicle. He played "Secret Service Agent #2", a stoic man who took his job seriously and spoke no words. The Captain of Charisma led this film to a $27 million box office.

Kimberly Page in The 40 Year Old Virgin (2004)

Comedy juggernaut Judd Apatow's rise to Hollywood prominence required a little help from Diamond Dallas Page's ex-wife. And that help let us all see her beautiful b-b-b-boobies.

Two Hogs Up! (yes, that's the best screen cap we could do)

Kevin Nash in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1993) and The Punisher (2004)

Big Sexy was "Too Sweeeeeeeeeeettttt" as "The Russian" in the Thomas Jane gun porn vehicle (he also played the strong, silent type), but his breakout role was in the international sensation that was the Turtles sequel. True, Vanilla Ice's "Ninja Rap" may have stole the film, but this movie would be nothing without its climatic final battle. Turtles vs. Super Shredder.

That's right. Super Shredder.

"I'm like Shredder, only a little more...super"

You thought one Shredder was bad? Well how about a Shredder that has been infected by mutagen? Yes, rather then die of radiation poisoning, the Shredder just added a lot of mass instantly.

Kind of like that

Well, in the real world you have to cast a big dude. Two words describe Kevin Nash. They are "Big" and "Dude." So yes, he played another strong, silent type and has an epic death scene.

Rob Van Dam, Batista, and Big Daddy V in Wrong Side Town (2010)

Ok, so there's really no info on this one. But there's a porn star in it! And look at this photo!

Above: Bad Dudes

Wow, we don't know about you, but we're popping already! Popcorn that is!

W.W.W. featuring Rob Van Dam getting pulled over and Rob Van Dam on Fox News

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your video blog reviewing Wrestlemania 25 ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Rob Van Dam gets pulled over



Matt's response...

Ah yes, life on the road, eh Sabu? Just a couple of normal guys, zipping down the road after a hard night of wrestling. How fast is it here, by the way?

55? Look, kid, you still have a lot to learn about America. I don't know how they do things over in Saudi SQUAREabia, but here in the U.S. of A, nobody drives 55. Hell, they even wrote a song about it!

What do you mean you're from Michigan? Maybe now, sure, but that ain't where you're from, Sabu.

Aww crap, cops. Policia, man. Policia. Here quick, let's burn these real fast. They can't say we have pot if we smoke it all, right?

Uh...hey officer, just a couple of normal guys cruising down the road, totally keeping it together.


Oh, I thought it was 65 here. I was just telling my friend that maybe I should slow down, but he said it was 65. And don't worry - he's not a terrorist. By the way, did I say we were normal guys, because we're definitely not. No, we just got through wrestling. On TV. We're going to Columbus, where we'll do some more wrestling. For the WWE. You heard of it?

Oh, you don't keep up, huh? Ok, well yeah I'm on TV. WORLD CHAMPION. That ring a bell? I got the title right here. See? It spins. I'm RVD, Rob Van Dam.

Yeah, well of course you've heard of me. Glad we've got that figured out.

Him? Tell him your name.

Oh, ok. We'll wait right here for you officer. Certainly wouldn't think of speeding away! .... What the hell is wrong with you? "Sahbooo." Damn dude, could you have tried to sound any more high? I'm doing all the talking from now on. I got this thing down. Ok, he's coming back...

Uh, yeah I know it's 55. I thought it was 65. I must have blazed more than I thought because I could have sworn we've done this before.

Yeah man, I always drive with my shirt off. I mean, look at me. I'm the whole "Dam" show. Get it? It's a play on my name. It's cool if you don't. Whatever. Besides it was hot, what with all the lit joints in here.

Well, yeah, I think just explained why my car smells like dope. Who's the detective around here?


Matt's video to Adam- Rob Van Dam talks about Michael Phelps's pot use on Gerlado at Large



Adam's response...

First off, this is what a couple of dorks Matt and I are. We both sent each other RVD/pot related videos, because it's vaguely close to 4/20. But neither of us get high. Ever. This is not some BS covering our asses kind of thing. We're serious. We never smoke weed. So why did we both think that this would be the theme of the week? Why couldn't we have just sent in some insane Warrior promo or something?

Regardless, there isn't much to this. RVD is brought on because...well..umm...I really don't know why. I guess he's outspoken about getting high and is an athletic dude, so why not have him discuss the Michael Phelps brouhaha from a few months back?

What is fairly surprising is the amount of respect Mr. Van Dam is given by our host, Geraldo Rivera. Sure there are a few (lame) jokes ["Let he who has not smoked cast the first stone..er stoned as it were"(ugg, I get what you're going for, but that joke really doesn't make sense)], but on the overall RVD does provide some insight on the costs of being an athlete caught with drugs.

And by that I mean, he spouts out the same stats every pro-weed advocate does and complains about their criminal status.

There are a few factually inconsistencies though. For starters, Geraldo says that RVD was stripped of his titles due to the pot arrest when it's common knowledge he lost the WWE title to Edge on Raw and lost the ECW title the next night to the Big Show. Fair and square (ok, Paul Heyman screwed Rob in that ECW match), mind you. Also, Rob totally said weed was "good for you." Geraldo was so listening.

Anyway, then some idiots yell at each other for a few minutes, Geraldo kicks it back to Rob, "hop(ing) that (he) makes it back to championship status" and ends the segment. All and all, Rob got more time then John Cena did on Fox News, but he didn't really come off all that great. Of course, RVD himself posted this video, so I guess he's fine it it.

Still, nothing changes the fact that Michael Phelps is a giant douche.

Above: Cheap joke

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? The Road to Wrestlemania edition

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

As Matt already told you, The Royal Rumble was last Sunday, and the WWE universe is forever cracked due to the shocking events that took place that night! Only by remembering history can we change the future!

So I'm going to open up with something a little odd. An ECW match. I know, I know. Who cares? Well it's high time we started paying a little respect to Tuesday nights, so I say! And so says the LOLBOP! Thus...I present to you

Matt Hardy

vs

Jack Swagger

with the ECW title on the line (with its fiery phoenix graphic)!


Wait...who the hell is Jack Swagger? What kind of ass clown wears such a comically over sized belt? He calls himself "The All-American American" and comes out to a song by One Day as a Lion (At least I think it's One Day as a Lion. I never liked Rage Against the Machine, so I don't know if that's a song of theirs, or if it's a new song of theirs, or if they even got back together, but I know it wouldn't be an old song because why pay a licensing fee for a nobody like Jack Swagger, so if it's a new RATM song then clearly it's for promotional purposes, but like I said, I don't know. The singer is clearly Zack from RATM though, and I know his new band is One Day as Lion, which is a great name for a crappy band. But I digress.)

You for reading all that. Not me for knowing all that.

Anyway the story going in is that good guy Hardy wants to regain his ECW title, who he lost to undefeated bad guy Swagger a few weeks ago on TV. The only noticeable spot was when Hardy kicked Swagger in the face a little too hard, so Swagger cashed in that receipt by tossing Hardy off the top rope a little too carelessly. Oh, that and Swagger won clean.

Go ahead and steal that and use it in your office. I know you're going to anyway.

Needless to say, Matt Hardy was less then thrilled with the outcome.

The other singles match involved Edge taking on Matt's brother Jeff, for his WWE title! And just before the match started, Smackdown GM (and Mrs. Edge) Vickie Guerrero changed the match from a normal singles match to a No Disqualification stipulation! Can she do that? On a whim? Oh she can? Ohhhh kay.

I don't think we'll ever run out of these.

Anyway, since Jeff is an agent of chaos, he thought this was just fine. So fine that he would do such crazy things like fall of ladders!

Jeff Hardy died for our sins.

And kick a defenseless husky woman!

He's doin' what we're all thinkin'! LOLOLZ

Of course, who could blame him? He's had a rough patch the last few months. First he got attacked before the Survivor Series, then he had that hit and run attack on I-95, and then of course that little pyro accident. But just when things were going well Jeff's mysterious attacker revealed himself! And it was Edge's brother, Christian! Back to Smackdown from TNA!


Not? Oh wow, I was very wrong. It's Jeff's brother Matt, here to help him take on the nefarious Edge (who we all remember, once stole Matt's lady)!





Edge wins back the title! You know, for as much as we make fun of HHH for always winning the strap, we sure don't get on Edge for having numerous title runs. Maybe it's because he's Canadian. The All American Canadian, perhaps?

Yes, yes. We all know I hate Lord of the Rings. Commence with the flaming.

Finally, the main event; the 30-Man, over the top rope, enter at 90 second interval, where the winner gets a title shot at the Superbowl (topical!) of wrestling, Wrestlemania! Of course, you knew that already. You attended the event/bought it on pay-per-view/know what wrestling is/read this blog.

...but just in case you're fat and stupid...

So Matt already told you the gory details, with Raw's well endowed crazy man Randy Orton winning the Rumble. He used his "Legacy" to eliminate Smackdown's Triple H. Still, there are a few things about the Royal Rumble that I noticed:

1. It felt like the Smackdown guys overwhelmingly were positioned earlier in the entry. Luck of the draw I suppose. True, the Big Show drew #30, and The Brian Kendrick drew a number in the late 20's (he eliminated someone and got eliminated in about ten seconds), it just seemed like the top 10 was littered with Smackdown guys. Couple that with Randy Orton having two other dudes watching his back and the deck was stacked against the blue brand.
   
2. Whenever someone new enters the Rumble everyone just stands around and let's that person clean house. I suppose that makes sense though. He's 90 seconds fresher then the previous dude.
3. How did Matt not mention the return of Rob Van Dam?! True it was one night only, and it was just for a hometown pop, and he was a little slower and pudgier then we remember, but still, RVD! RVD! RVD! And Chris Jericho had the nerve to eliminate him! If only some paragon of good, someone who held the power of a Ram could "toss him around the ring like a tossed salad."

There will be justice, Jericho.

Next stop: Wrestlemania! No? Next stop, tons of Smackdowns and Raws and a pay per view called No Way Out, but then, more Smackdowns and Raws and THEN Wrestlemania! But the fun is getting there! What would the Wizard of Oz be if Dorothy didn't meet her crew along the way? Shorter, that's what! So tune in tonight so we can understand why Matt committed fratricide! iNetwork Television, 8/7c!