R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Stunned Contendors

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

This Sunday is TNA's Genesis PPV. How does this relate to Smackdown? IT DOESN'T! Don't worry about how fat Scott Hall is, because there's some smack to down? Are you ready?

First up was "Team Black Guys in Jeans" vs "Team White Canadians in Underwear" in a six-man tag. And it was pretty good!

(l-r) can't dunk, can dunk

Of course, this is a match MONTHS in the making. Jericho previously feuded with Cryme Tyme over the summer (Shad even picked up a singles win) and the CT are currently feuding with the Harts. And R-Truth..well he's a black guy...so he's there too! Of course that doesn't mean the interns are allowed to mail it in.

Ahem, interns. When the knee is in the back, it is called the "Liontamer." No knee is the Walls. DUH!

That was enough for the win. Even the interns can't shy away from the greatness of the winners.



Wow, did all that training in the Hart Dungeon really pay off? Really?

Yea, I went there. Get over it.

Sometimes wrestling can get a little talky. That time is when CM Punk comes out. Usually he just speaks about how great he is, but today he was talking about how great you can be. Or more specifically, some kid from s>developmental the audience.

Just kiss and get it over with already!

The kid decided to pledge his life to straight edge and that entailed shaving his head. Yes, the most embarrassing thing anyone can ever do in wrestling! Losing hair! Unless of course your Stone Cold Steve Austin, Goldberg, The Rock, Randy Orton, or any other successful person who is bald. But hey, you can tell Hogan and Michaels aren't happy about losing their hair!

I hope they didn't offer you a call up for this, dude. Because soon you'll be released AND be bald.

A gentleman's hairdo

Also, Luke Gallows was with Punk and he decided to hang out afterwards and wrestle Matt Hardy. The interns could hardly contain their excitement.

Should that be capitalized?

Anyone else see the irony in the fact that Matt's brother (known drug user/ possible felon Jeff Hardy) signed with WWE's main competitor, TNA, and now Matt is being beaten up by the wrestlers who don't do any drugs.

Get used to eating leather, Matty. Soon that's about the quality of meat you'll have to buy when they release you for Jeff's indiscretions.

Finally, last week (two weeks ago!) Rey Mysterio cost Batista a world title match in the beat the clock challenge. Thus, the two of them would have to fuck fight for their right to wrestle the Undertaker at the Royal Rumble. This match was so awesome that even the interns were on the top of their game.

Ok, that was a good one.

That's not to say that everything was spot on.

Yea...sometimes wrestling is fake...

This match went through numerous powerbomb and phone call related spots until just about the 10 o'clock hour when ALL OF A SUDDEN THE UNDERTAKER HIT A GONG AND TURNED ON A SMOKE MACHINE! WHY? NO IDEA!

Something strange going on!?! OH NO! Must be a no contest!

Yes, so we're going for this match one more time. Batista/Rey Mysterio...IN A CAGE! TRY AND CAGE TEH ANIMALE!!!



Watch Smackdown tonight to forget about the British Invasion being dropped down the card! It's a 8/7 central! On one of those Network Channels. Or some whenever over on hulu.com (if you can get past all the Conan drama)!

The biggest event in history

Last night was the return of the much fabled Monday Night Wars. Hulk Hogan officially joined TNA and SpikeTV gave them a Monday timeslot for the night. TNA busted out all the stops, as they debuted some old new talent. WWE countered with Bret Hart coming back after tweleve years. But these all pale in comparisson to one singular event that happened. One epic debut to open the show. Yes, the rumours are true; Bryan Danielson worked his first dark match for since signing his new deal with WWE.

For those not in the know, Bryan Danielson was known amongest the indy scene as "The Best in the World." A few monthes ago WWE signed him to a deal and decided to wait until 1/4 to debut him to the live audience. This was clearly the right idea. Don't believe us? Take a look:



Danielson was trained by Shawn Michaels during that period when HBK lost his smile faked a back injury. Since then he was Ring of Honor world champion for over fifteen months and has wrestled all over the world, hence the name "American Dragon." No one is more technically sound then him, so we should expect some real 4 minute classics with Goldust in the coming months on WWE Superstars.

Also his theme music on the indy's was Europe's "The Final Countdown." Same as GOB Bluth. Let's hope he get's a muzak version of it in WWE. And why wouldn't he? If TNA can have a ripoff NWO theme for Hulk Hogan, WWE can set up "The Final Countdown."

Of course, there is a little more to this. Danielson won his dark match. And against former Cruiserweight/Tag/ECW champion Chavo Guerrero! Clearly he's destined for greatness. Or should we say....awesomeness. Yes, it has been a while, but we're throwing out another Seal of Awesomeness! This one goes to Bryan Danielson for dark matches!


And just for offical record keeping, here is the pantheon of SoA:

Hurricane Helms- for Smackdown, traded to ECW where he was stripped of it.
Charlie Haas- for Raw, now on Smackdown
Zack Ryder- ECW
"The Man Scout" Jake Manning- indys

So yes, Mr. Danielson is now king of the dark match! TNA, we're still waiting for you to impress us with something awesome...

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? TLC OMG!!!

SEASON'S BEATINGS!!!!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Monday Night Raw might get all the press, what with their Dennis Miller and Hornswaggle feud, but we know that that doesn't sell PPV's! Nope! You need some real, solid meat to make buyers shell out their hard earned moolah. So how do you do that? With a compelling card filled with Smackdown matches!

Of course, that means more work for me. Crap.

So the future of WWE totally rolled around on the mat for a chance at being champion of the continents! And by future I mean "bland Scottish dude" and "apathetic rock star wannabe."

I have no idea what's going on here

Anyway, the interns at WWE.com decided to show us tons of cool John Morrison stuff, even though they didn't really amount to anything. Still, COOL STUFF!

SAVAGE!

GNARLY!

However, there wasn't a boring old Scottish guy in this match for nothing. He had to be boring and use finisher's from the 1980's as transition moves!

zzzz...snake...zzzz

Oddly enough, that was it. We have a new Intercontinental champion and his name is Sheamus Drew McIntyre!

Kidney pies!

In other "attractive people with long hair wrestling for a worthless title" news, Michelle McCool defended her women's championship against Mickie "Piggy" James. Mickie gets this nickname due to being a good ole Virginia farm girl and being gargantuan huge.

Just think of the thin girl she's hiding underneath layers of disgusting fat

Anyway, this match pretty much filled my genitals with enough blood that I had to see a doctor four hours later. Also nice to know that Mickie James goes A2M.

In case I'm being too coy...

Michelle McCool, being the bad guy and all, has some Latina woman named Layla as her backup. Probably for Layla's black belt in Mexican Judo. Regardless, this hot tamale, although her intentions are pure, just ends up getting in the way! Look at the debacle when she tried to distract Mickie, ergo help Michelle!

KICKED IN YO FACE!

Now's Mickie James's chance! She'll avenge all that punishment the two bullies gave her! Michelle is distracted! We've got a new women's champion!

That's the filthiest clean pin I've ever seen. Some Christian..

Oh. Pinned clean. By the heel. That makes complete sense.

So one half of the Smackdown power couple miraculously held on to her title, how will Undertaker prevail against THE ANIMAL!!!! in his chair match? And what in the blue hell is a chair match?

That.

So yea, it's basically an Extreme Rules/Street fight/no holds barred match. With a bunch of chairs. Jim Ross must be thrilled.



For whatever reason, Undertaker and Batista always have good matches together. It's weird that a cadaver and the Undertaker can work well together, but they do. This was duly noted by the lovely interns over at WWE.com

Can it really be referred to as "Old School" if he never stopped using it? If it's a regular part of his routine wouldn't it just be "Current School" or "School"?

Still, this wasn't enough as Batista needed to resort to FOREARMING THE UNDERTAKER IN THE NUTS and then hitting him with the chair! That's it! New World Heavyweight Champion! TEH ANIMALE!!!11!!!!


YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA! Wait! Teddy Long?! Why's he coming out!? You can't screw the Undertaker when he already lost the match! Huh? Batista used a low blow, and that's illegal? Swinging chairs is totally cool, but anything else isn't allowed?! What do you have to say for yourself!?


Well, the match restarted and Undertaker did that sit up thing and then cracked Batista with a chair (totally legal).

ACTING! SELLING!

Tombstone, weird pin, still champ.

I really hope you catch a bug one day.

Still, I smell a conspiracy. Somebody call Jesse Ventura!

Also, just so you know: Batista did not invent that "thumbs down" gesture. Some people think he did.

Come witness the fallout tonight at 8/7c, over on some stupid channel. MyNetwork TV or some bullshit like that. And then watch it again over on hulu.

It's so hard to say goodbye

SEASON'S BEATINGS!

For a theme song to accompany this post please press play and enjoy mourn.



Sometimes things aren't funny. We know that's a little hypocritical of us to say when we openly make fun of Bret Hart's stroke and Nobody's murder/suicide. We also are on the record for wishing Scott Hall and Jake Roberts would die. But we need to draw a line. A fresh death is not funny.

Soon it'll set in that a great Samoan has died. His Impact will hopefully live on for generations, but we can never be sure. All we know is that he's as good as gone and we're worse for it. We are of course talking about Samoa Joe and the impending demise of TNA.

You thought we meant this drug addict? He can fuck himself in his fat fucking ass for all we care.

Yes, TNA is all aflutter about going live, head-to-head, against Raw on Monday, January 4th. Hulk Hogan himself announced this at a UFC event this past weekend. He also continued the TNA tradition of putting over rival organizations as he said "Whatcha gunna do, brother, when The UFC runs wild on you?!" Clearly TNA has no idea what they're doing.

We make fun of TNA as much as anyone else does, but lo and behold, it could be a lot worse. If TweetNA has taught us anything it's that the average Impact is better then the average Raw (especially if the guest host stinks) and that some of their talent can really go. For every Kevin Nash and Mick Foley taking up space, there is an AJ Styles and Desmond Wolfe ready to impress us with some wrestling. But trust us boys (and Dixie!), you're not ready to go head to head with the big show yet. It'll be suicide.

No. Nobody ever rang.

Seriously TNA, you go almost head to head with WWE Superstars on a channel no one gets and squeak out a rating that's about .4 points higher. Why do you think you can up against Raw? Now true, if there is any night to do it, it's that night. It's after New Year's, when everyone is broke. Hogan will be making his debut in the Impact Zone and it's rumoured he's bringing Ed Leslie Ric Flair and Brian Knobbs Rob Van Dam with him. Plus, both shows are going opposite the Fiesta Bowl, where a certain Mr. Cena will be tossing the coin. We don't think even Superman Cena can make it from Phoenix, AZ to Dayton, OH in time for that show.

Plus who cares about this matchup of nobodies?

We're praying you're right on this one, Dixie. We really are. Just don't expect us to show up at the funeral.

Oh, and to show we're not totally heartless:

This old house

Bret Hart's favorite wrestler, Bret Hart, recently spoke to the only people who'd talk to him, the UK media! Yes, it seems as if Wrestlegasm the BBC can't get enough of the Hitman's yarns about the old days! He went on to put over some of the current generation of talent. And by put over the new generation, we mean he put himself over.

First up is current WWE champion, Mr. John Cena! What pry tell would Hart think of WWE's current Superman? Someone who doesn't really sell that much and doesn't put anyone over?

"John Cena is like the 2010 version of Bret Hart. Fans see him as a real decent, upstanding human being."

That's almost a face palm.

Right, because John Cena spit on his boss after he refused to do what an employee should do. And John Cena has gotten into public feuds with his relatives and openly said, on the record, without any sort of irony, about how his brother-in-law is probably going to die soon in a anthropological study of wrestling. And John Cena wrote a memoir where he discusses his multiple affairs. That Bret Hart sure is an upstanding human being.

In the same interview, the upstanding human being that is Bret Hart gave his opinion on former WCW/current TNA booker, Vince Russo.

"I think they should take Vince Russo and hang him by his neck somewhere in the back parking lot. Vince Russo knows about as much about wrestling as Eric Bischoff. Neither one of them knows shit about anything..."

Very classy there, Best There Was. Keep in mind too that Eric Bischoff signed you to a $3 million annual salary to go to WCW. Maybe you're right. He doesn't know shit about wrestling.

Of course, Canada's National Hero did leave on a humble note. Ok, he actually opened on a humble note, but it's so silly we're holding until the end. He spoke about who, in his estimation, is the best wrestler in the world. Is it someone with legit credibility like Kurt Angle or Chris Jericho? Maybe an indy guy like Bryan Danielson, or really indy like Davey Richards? One of his own like Natayla Neidhart or DH Smith? Maybe an out of bounds pick like Christian or Desmond Wolfe?

You know us to well at this point to know that he didn't mention any of them. Nope, in Lonesome Dove's estimation, the best wrestler in the world is Melina.

"I think Melina is really creative and imaginative. She's an innovator and she comes up with some great matches. I love watching her wrestler. In a lot of ways, I think she's the best wrestler in the world right now."

Innovative

Hmm, let's take a look:

Totally represents that art form that is pro wrestling.

Alright, you've been waiting all article for this: Bret Hart has been kicked in the head too many times and definitely just had another stroke.

This just makes us laugh

Tell me another lie

Today is a sad day on earth-53. We've lost one of our own. Yes, Jamie Noble has retired Brock Lesnar is really sick and will probably have to retire. We'll pour a 40 on the curb for you, dude.



Now, we hear some of you snickering. "Oh, those Laugh Twins are at it again! Making a big deal over nothing, lulz." Well shut up! Jamie Noble Brock Lesnar (kinda) rules! No joke. His entire career has been marked by nothing short of excellence. He started in WCW WWE as part of the tag team The Jung Dragons The Next Big Thing, who had the gimmick of being Asian guys fucking scary. Jamie, not being an Asian, wore a mask, thereby breaking down racial barriers for decades to come! Then, he took of his mask and formed another tag team with some dude named Evan Karagias, forming a tag team called "Noble & Karagias." Brilliant name, surpassed only by "Above Average" Mike Sanders. Brock was managed by Paul Heyman and has lots of tattoos.

This should answer your next question

When the WWF bought WCW, Noble was one of the 22 wrestlers whose contracts WWF decided to pick up from the old fed. That's right. They didn't take Goldberg, or Hogan, or Sting, or even Flair. Nope. Jaime Noble made the cut. That right there is evidence of his might. Brock was quickly brought into the main event scene, by winning the 2002 King of the Ring. Then he beat the Rock at Summerslam 2002 to win the Undisputed Championship. Soon after, Smackdown signed him to an exclusive contract, so Raw just gave HHH a championship, thereby disputing his championship. He also beat the Undertaker in a Hell in a Cell match, but this is tainted since the Undertaker was alive as The American Badass (Deadman Undertaker can't be beat! ;))

Then he almost died attempting to shooting star onto Kurt Angle at Wrestlemania XIX.

Eventually, he got tired of wrestling (read, didn't want to give back), and jobbed to Goldberg at Wrestlemania XX (where the shows final moment ended with both champions being dead within four years.)

Once in out of the loving arms of Vince McMahon, JamieBrock was able to be the real Jamie Brock. He became a good old country boy, living in his trusty trailer with his girlfriend Nidia Rena "Sable" Mero (who just so happened to have recently won WWF Tough Enough I some sexually transmitted diseases). He also brought in his cousin, Nunzio, to WWE. Which makes perfect sense because the Italians are a race of people who frequently copulate with other races. tried out to play in the NFL, despite not having played football in over a decade. He played defensive end and was cut by the Minnesota Vikings in the preseason. He wisely decided to not play in NFL Europe.

The good fortune didn't stop there, as Jamie and Nidia won the lottery and lived in hog heaven for a brief period. All until Tajiri, still mad about that Jung Dragons thing, decided to spit black mist in Nidia's face, blinding her. Jamie decided to get some ass on the side, since she was blind. Also, he thought he'd get away with it because on earth-53, the wrestlers never see what the crowd sees. Anyway, the two of them had a blindfold match which Jamie won because men are the dominate sex. Brock went back to wrestling, this time in Japan. He fought Kurt Angle for the IWGP Heavyweight title and won. Miraculously, no one broke their neck.



Anyway, JamieBrock went back to WWE a worked sport and was part of SmackdownUltimate Fighting Championship for a longshort time. He lost a bunch of Cruiserweight title matches fight, which sucks, but he also had a pretty awesome feud against Chuck Palumbo won the UFC championship at UFC 100. Basically, he beat the former homosexual(s) a lot and got to steal lay upon his woman because of it. Check out the old cooze hound in action.



Then some albino some intestinal issue beat him up so bad that JamieBrock (probably) hads to retire. Relax though, "he doesn't have cancer or AIDS or anything like this."

Now, we know this may not seem like the most illustrious of careers. But honestly, what have you ever done? Can you look yourself in the mirror and say your half the man Jamie Noble Brock Lesnar is? Sure, he's short ginourmous! But he's bigsmall on heartintestines. And above all else, he was part of the greatest Velocity matchmilk drinking contest of all time!



Yea, we thought so.

Tell me a lie

Today is a sad day on earth-53. We've lost one of our own. Yes, Jamie Noble has retired. We'll pour a 40 on the curb for you, dude.



Now, we hear some of you snickering. "Oh, those Laugh Twins are at it again! Making a big deal over nothing, lulz." Well shut up! Jamie Noble rules! No joke. His entire career has been marked by nothing short of excellence. He started in WCW as part of the tag team The Jung Dragons, who had the gimmick of being Asian guys. Jamie, not being an Asian, wore a mask, thereby breaking down racial barriers for decades to come! Then, he took of his mask and formed another tag team with some dude named Evan Karagias, forming a tag team called "Noble & Karagias." Brilliant name, surpassed only by "Above Average" Mike Sanders.

Yea, he's about a 6.

When the WWF bought WCW, Noble was one of the 22 wrestlers whose contracts WWF decided to pick up from the old fed. That's right. They didn't take Goldberg, or Hogan, or Sting, or even Flair. Nope. Jaime Noble made the cut. That right there is evidence of his might.

Once in the loving arms of Vince McMahon, Jamie was able to be the real Jamie. He became a good old country boy, living in his trusty trailer with his girlfriend Nidia (who just so happened to have recently won WWF Tough Enough I). He also brought in his cousin, Nunzio, to WWE. Which makes perfect sense because the Italians are a race of people who frequently copulate with other races.

The good fortune didn't stop there, as Jamie and Nidia won the lottery and lived in hog heaven for a brief period. All until Tajiri, still mad about that Jung Dragons thing, decided to spit black mist in Nidia's face, blinding her. Jamie decided to get some ass on the side, since she was blind. Also, he thought he'd get away with it because on earth-53, the wrestlers never see what the crowd sees. Anyway, the two of them had a blindfold match which Jamie won because men are the dominate sex.



Then he got released for steroid usage.

This would also be fortuitous, as Mr. Noble went to the Ring of Honor. Now normally, that's not a good thing, but what did Jamie do there? Only won their frickin WORLD title. And who did he beat for it? Why, only CM Punk, Samoa Joe, and Christopher Daniels in a four-way match. Yes, Two former world champions and the other part of this Sunday's TNA PPV main event. We'd say Jamie Noble rules hard.

A month later he lost the title to Bryan Danielson. This no doubt paved the way for the eventual WWE Developmental deal Danielson signed four years later.

Anyway, Jamie went back to WWE and was part of Smackdown for a long time. He lost a bunch of Cruiserweight title matches, which sucks, but he also had a pretty awesome feud against Chuck Palumbo. Basically, he beat the former homosexual a lot and got to steal his woman because of it. Check out the old cooze hound in action.



Jamie then got traded to Monday Night Raw, where he continued being awesome and impressing ladies. Yup, Jamie Noble is more pimp then the Godfather ever was.



Then some albino beat him up so bad that Jamie had to retire.

Now, we know this may not seem like the most illustrious of careers. But honestly, what have you ever done? Can you look yourself in the mirror and say your half the man Jamie Noble is? Sure, he's short! But he's big on heart. And above all else, he was part of the greatest Velocity match of all time.



Yea, we thought so.

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Death and rebirth

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

You know (tm) why Smackdown rules? Two letters and a word; CM Punk.



The above video is almost ten minutes long, but watch every second of it. Savor it. Soak it in. It's awesome because it features the following things:

1. Punk calling people junkies
2. Shooting on Jeff Hardy's airport incident/Wellness suspension before Wrestlemania 24
3. "No more stupid armbands"
4. "The choice of a new generation."
5. "Alls it takes"
6. Jim Ross and Todd Grisham not saying one, single, word.
   
7. Copious amounts of dumb face

Yes, Punk fooled them all. The sheeple hear Jeff Hardy's music and see some long haired dude dance to it and they immediately assume that it's the guy who was kayfabe fired the week before. Idiots. But they're dumb faces fixed it all and made the segment even better then it was.


Also, after this awesome promo, Matt Hardy came out and attacked Punk which set up a match later.


Speaking of people who failed Wellness tests, Rey Mysterio was set to "defend" the Intercontinental title against Dolph Ziggler John Morrison! These two had a hum dinger of a match, as it was fast paced, high flying, and about as awesome a twenty minutes as you can expect out of a wrestling match.

Seriously, no jokes. These two had an awesome match. Some great spots like a Mysterio head scissor over the top rope.

Dull scissors of course, since no one lost a head.

And a nasty drop kick by Morrison when Mysterio was flying off the top!

I fail to see what Rey would accomplish by just doing a jumping splash

Still not better than this

Anyway, the most bad ass finishing name in all of wrestling (Starship Pain) gave Morrison the win and part of a Swiss timeshare!

Is that like a 12 pack?

After this bukkake of awesome, R-Truth came out to calm everyone back down.


Before he could ask us "What's Up" for the 40th time, some dude named Drew McIntyre came out to beat up the rapping jobber.

That shirt either means he's a British loyalist or he's about to get killed on Star Trek

His reasoning was...well I couldn't decipher what he said over his thick, United Kingdomish accent. Seriously dude! Speak American! Ray, can you help us out here?


And as mentioned above, there was a Matt Hardy/CM Punk non-title grudge match that went down.

Black jacket means THINGS ARE SERIOUS

Oh, I can't believe I never mentioned this yet! There's this submission PPV coming up this Sunday (9 days from last week's Smackdown)! So Punk has the Undertaker at this show, so who better to stretch a bit then Punk's Nemesis's brother?!


But let's remember that Punk also hates Hardy's with every fiber of his being. Thus, time for a chair.

Boo!! Heel!!

Yea...that's not allowed. Didn't matter though, because before all that could happen the aforementioned Undertaker decided to come out and beat up Punk! Who knew he was such a stickler for the rules?

\It really is about time they invest in steel tables. The cost of not replacing them alone will save them cash.

Oh well. We got one more Smackdown for more awesomeness tonight! Then some show on Sunday! But let's leave out on a good note, and remember what opened the show!

Can someone be a heel if they speak the truth?

Watch tonight. 8/7c, MyNetwork TV. Or sometime on hulu.com!