OH BABY, I like it RAW! XVIII

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



So just what were the repercussions of Shane's attack on Randy Orton? How is Orton dealing? Why did Shane do it?

I think we know why.

Shane starts the show to explain that instead of being charged with assault like he thought was going to happen (ok, seriously Shane...how long have you been around wrestling? Have you EVER seen anyone charged with assault?), Orton wants a match at No Way Out. A NO HOLDS BARRED match, which means it's going to be crazy.

So Shane says sure, he'll take the match, and he's going to beat Orton so bad that he can't make it to Wrestlemania. Because preventing one of your company's top performers from appearing at the biggest show of the year is a sound business decision.

Randy explained that neither he nor Cody nor Teddy Jr. fought back against Shane last week, because that's what he told them to do. Sure, Randy. That's a plausible explanation, and not that you and your crew got served a plate of ass-whip last week. In any case, Orton said that Shane should call the hospital and order a bed next to Vince. Does it work that way?'

"Uh, yes, I'll take a bed, preferably something in ICU. I feel I'm getting the shit kicked out me tonight."

Shane then has to fight off Legacy with a kendo stick. Is there anything he can't do?

You're still not impressing Orton.

That would be costly, as injuries accrued would leave Cody and Teddy at a disadvantage against Cryme Tyme. They had to resort to double-teaming one of them (CJ, maybe?) which led to 2/3 of Legacy being DQ'd.

Seriously, isn't this the same guy?

Next is Chris Jericho, come to comment on the Mickey Rourke situation. Good, because that whole things been giving me fits and keeping me up at night. Jericho says he didn't like "The Wrestler" because it highlight all the old wrestlers who can't quit the business. He gives Ric Flair as one example, and says rather than live in a mansion, Flair is signing autographs at high schools and selling his name to anyone. Now wait a minute Jericho, I think you might be mistaken there.

Er...um...well, I'm sure there's a logical explanation

Damn it, Ric.

Of course, who comes down to champion everything old school? Mr. John Cena of course, the man who doesn't believe in keeping his cell phone turned on. Cena makes fun of Jericho for using big words, and good for him, because I sure find them scary!

Don't open it...they're IN there!

Naturally, Cena is going to kick his ass.

Orton jumped Stephanie and Shane backstage, and nearly punted Steph's head off! Shane managed to block it with his body. Randy snapped out of it, and looked genuinely upset. Seems that IED is really out of his control.

My other favorite Diva, Candice Michelle, went up against the Glamazon. I'd post pictures, but Candice just got beat up the whole time, and there's not a lot to choose from in a three minute beat-down. Ok, ok...here's one.



Ric Flair is coming back to next week (tonight)!! I guess he couldn't stand what Jericho was saying about him. But please, Ric, don't get back in the ring. Just...leave the memories alone.



JBL came out to give Shawn Michaels his employee review. I guess it's that time of year. Bradshaw said Shawn failed in getting him to Wrestlemania as the champ, and he should be fired. But then Shawn would be broke!

So JBL offers a deal: he and HBK fight at No Way Out. If Shawn wins, he gets paid everything he's owed and never has to work for JBL again. If he loses, JBL owns his for life. He can make Shawn do whatever he wants and use Shawn's name however he choses. Sounds like a pretty RAW (get it?) deal, but HBK accepts.


Stephanie is seen talking backstage with Kane. She's offered him a spot in the Elimination Chamber. In exchange, he got on the phone and THE UNDERTAKER will be at next week (tonight!!) to face Randy Orton!! I guess they're still tight?

Finally, it's match you've been waiting about an hour for - Jericho versus Cena. Let's go to the tape!


Yep, Cena got revenge for all the old-timers, two of which will be on Raw tonight! Be sure to tune in, 9/8c on America's entertainment destination, USA!!!1

OH BABY, I like it RAW! The Return of Matt

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



It's taken me some time to get this column back in order. I had to spend the week cleaning out all the pizza boxes and diet soda cans Adam left stacked up around here like some sort of garbage Jenga game. I hope you enjoyed our little "Twin Swap." I didn't, because I had to watch Smackdown, but perhaps it was enjoyable for you.

So today is MLK Day. I hope your family is nestled warmly at home, putting the final presents under the MLK Day tree, with a warm turkey in the oven, and getting the kids all excited about going out to watch the MLK Day fireworks. But before all that, let's recap what happened last week on Raw.

Stephanie comes down and says she's excited for the Rumble, and blah blah Vince is coming back blah blah blah. Wait a minute...WHAT??! Vince is coming back?! Isn't he dead?

Apparently not, or the Undertaker is woefully inept at his day job, because Mr. McMahon didn't make it in the ground. He's coming to Raw next week (today!)!!! And Jericho seems to think that means he doesn't have to listen to Stephanie anymore. He tells her that.


Jericho demands that he be given the title shot at the Rumble, and he won't wrestle anymore unless there's a title on the line. Stephanie says that's ok, but good luck finding a title IN THE UNEMPLOYMENT LINE!

That's right, she fired him! Jericho is gone!! He was escorted out by security. Maybe that means we can get a whole new set of teaser promos before he returns again.

I still think this meant the Rock and Stone Cold were coming back, but I think that fell through.

Later on, backstage, we see Candice Michelle saying she thought Vince had died. Well, honey, that's two things we agree on...

This being the other.

She was talking to an unconcerned C.M. Punk who was getting ready for his match against William Regal for the IC Title. This one has a stipulation that if Regal gets DQ'd, he loses the belt. Well, what do you know? Regal fakes a low blow and get Punk disqualified, thereby retaining his title again!


So there's going to another match, this time with no DQs at all. I'm sure that will cut out all the shenanigans.

Significant amounts of dumbface in this picture

Kane and Orton fought. Unremarkable match, but it seems that some members of NKOTB are unhappy. Namely Sim Snuka and Manu. Seems they're planning something against Randy. Manu and Snuka come down to meet Orton and Cody Rhodes who are already in the ring, but guess what! They brought back-up in the form of Ted DiBiase, Jr.!! Oh man, this is going to be priceless.

And more dumbface from Sim.

That's right, Teddy Jr. tipped off Orton and Rhodes about the plot, and they teamed up instead. Now THAT'S why they say he's priceless. Oh baby, he's priceless.

Kelly Kelly came out, but her match didn't happen because some chick got jumped outside the ring. No reason to mention it other than to show a photo of her.

oh, did I ever...

Our main event of the night was Shawn Michaels versus Mr. Cena. This was being referred to as "HBK's Wrestlemania." I'm not sure why, since we're still a few months away from Wrestlemania, but alright; we'll roll with it. This was a pretty awesome match, with Michaels finishing off Cena on his own, without the help of JBL who was waiting on the side. Of course, JBL had to come in and take some of the credit.

"See? I can stand over his limp body too!"

Ready to see Vince?? Me too! Will he be a zombie? One can only hope, and find out tonight, 9/8c on USA!

OH BABY, I like it RAW! vol. 4

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coarsing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Last week was the night following Cyber Sunday, and the big news is we have a new champ in town.



Randy Orton was not pleased that he didn't get voted in as the special guest ref for the championship match, and he said that he would quit if Adamle didn't get fired.

The internet said the guy on the bottom is Mike Adamle. Who are we to argue?

All three of Santino's possible opponents from Cyber Sunday came down to help comment on his match, because if there's anything that makes a match better, it's three more announcers. Santino has to face off against GlamaHAAS (there goes Charlie, just running up the score. How are we ever going to award the Seal of Awesomeness to anyone else?) Goldust was not onboard with this gimmick, having the balls/a short memory/not looked in a mirror to say, "I don't like cross-dressers." Why do I even try?

Mr. Pot, I'd like you to meet Mr. Kettle.

That match ended in a no contest, not as if there was much of a contest to begin with. Then the big news hit: Mike Knox has been drafted to Raw!!! No way!! NO F***ING WAY!! I cannot wait to see the ratings for this week!!

Wrong one? Truthfully, I don't know what he looks like.

Reminder: this guy used to be passed off as Kelly Kelly's boyfriend. He's accomplished more than you.

Seriously, this guy merits an in-show promo? Next thing you know they'll be running promos for when a camera guy switches over from Smackdown.

The divas had a six-man(?) tag match. Let me run down the contestants: Kelly Kelly, Candice Michelle, Mickie James, Jillian Hall, Leyla, and Katie Lee. Yeah, let's just go ahead and set up that conference call right now, ladies.

Check.

Here's where good ideas start rolling. Rey Mysterio and Evan Bourne have a roof-blower of a match. Certainly the best of the night, and probably the best in a long time. Rey wins, and after all that excitement, out comes Kane to squash Mysterio. You know (tm), there's something about a guy winning a great match perfectly clean and then congratulating his opponent that really makes me want to see him get his ass handed to him. And then when Bourne tries to help the guy out, Mark Henry comes and treats him like a pork chop.


Finally, Shawn Michaels and Batista win against JBL and Jericho. Because they're the good guys.

I honestly don't know what's happening in this picture.

Alright! Strap in and enjoy a great show (and hopefully Mike Knox!! OMG!!!) tonight at 9/8c on the network of America: USA