W.W.W. featuring Karen Angle/Abyss and Hacksaw Jim Duggan

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff then us

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your one minute montage of the Best of Cryme Tyme ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- Karen's Angle With The Monster Abyss



Adam's response...

Hey, and welcome back to Karen's Angle! You know (tm), a lot of people ask me how we came up with the name for the show, and I tell em, "Easy peasy! You see, my name is Karen Angle, and 'angle' is a common wrestling term for 'story', so give me, Karen Angle, a story segment on a wrestling show, and well, it writes itself (giggle!)" Anyway we have a great show going tonight. Still to come later tonight, Mike Tenay, and music guests The Rock & Rave Infection, but first... you know him as the most deranged mask man in the history of TNA wrestling. He's a former TNA World Champion. He's big! He's white! He's the mon-storrrrrrr.....ABYSS!

(The house band plays Abyss to the stage as he waves to the thunderous applause. Abyss takes a seat and drinks out of his coffee mug.)

Now Abyss, that's not your real name, right? It's clearly a stage- uh huh, right. Ok. Please, please make yourself more comfortable and OH DEAR! You talk show guests sure are wacky. It's like that time Conan O'Brien fought traded pants with that eccentric dude from Life is Beautiful. Right..so what do you think of all the photos of my hotness in the background? They make you feel like a child and sit Indian style? That's sweet.

(Super imposed onto the screen. Men whistle and make various cat calls.)

So tell the people about the problems you had. You were in rehab for exhaustion, just like Mariah, right? Well I think I speak for everyone when I say we're glad you're doing better, you look great, and it was so brave of you to admit your faults and get the help you needed.

(audience claps for a minute).

No. Honestly. Thank. You. You are an inspiration.

Get your hand off my leg.

So what's next for Chris, or Abyss, or whatever it is you call yourself? Are there wedding bells in your future? Maybe a...Mrs. Chris Abyss? Well, yes I am single. My ex did a lot of pain killers and is wasting away before our very eyes. Why Chrbyss, you wouldn't be making goo-goo eyes at me, are you? You are such a sweetheart! I bet you'll find that special lady soon.

Me? You're fond of little old me? Aw schucks!

You wrote me a poem? Oh, you don't have to- well do you want him to read it guys? Do you want AbChris to read his poem?

(Claps and whistles)

(Abyss ends on a punch line and everyone laughs)

Oh, you gave me some hair too? Anyone think this guy comes on a little strong?

(Rim shot. Crowd laughs)

Well thanks. Yes, I'll go out with you. Sure. Can we bring the cameras?

(Rim shot. Crowd laughs)

And on that I'm sorry to say that we're out of time. This was great. We'll go out and bring it on the show next week. Once again, the Monster Abyss! We'll be right back after these messages from Pros vs. Joes.

Adam's video to Matt - Hacksaw Jim Duggan on a talk show



Matt's response...

Take a trip with me back to 1988. When life was simpler, gas was under a dollar a galloon, and Hacksaw Jim Duggan could carry on an almost coherent conversation. Yes, things just made sense back then. Well, Hacksaw never made sense, but you could at least pretend he did.

In this video, Duggan visits the set of The Late Show with host Ross Shafer, who's gone on to bigger and better things since, such as becoming a motivational speaker. But a funny motivational speaker, so that's something. Good for him. Ross has invited Hacksaw on to speak about his impending match with Andre the Giant.

That's really the best you have, Wikipedia?

Actually, Ross barely mentions it; Duggan is the one who continually steers the conversation back to Andre. No, Ross is more interested in making light of the fact that Hacksaw says "Hoooooo," that he carrys a 2x4 to the ring, and that he's excitable. Well, heaven forbid all that.

Unlike Hogan, Hacksaw seems to come close to Andre's actual height and weight. It varies a bit officially, but it's generally accepted that he was in the range of seven feet tall and 550 pounds. Not 750, Hulkster. Duggan also claims he was the only person to knock Andre out in the ring, and while his uniqueness in that may be in question, it did actually happen.



Well, as "actually" as anything can happen in professional wrestling.

With all respect to Mr. Shafer, he is a terrible interviewer. Half of his schtick involves simply copying what Hacksaw is doing (hmm, does that sound like anyone else we know??). And the other half is asking stupid questions.

Take his first legitimate question to Hacksaw. "Now, there is a howl...the "Jim Duggan howl"...

Fair enough start, I suppose, provided you forget the fact that Duggan does it THREE TIMES in the first minute of the interview. And Ross himself does right before he starts the question. Why don't you save us a little time and say, "How'd you come up with that?" Nitpicking, maybe.

Shafer also falls into a couple of typical talk show host traps when it comes to interviewing a wrestler: pretending they're dumb animals (granted, this is Hacksaw we're talking about, but still) and feigning weakness. Shafer asks Duggan to please not "eat his plant." Later, he can't handle banging a couple of 2x4's together, and then crumbles under the force of Hacksaw's vice-like handshake. Oh, I get it, that's supposed to be funny.

The man is clearly a menace and doesn't know his own strength.

A final note that was interesting to me is that Jim Duggan reveals his former life as a football player, once playing for SMU (pony up!), which is just down the road from me. During that time, he had a short haircut, wore gold chains, and went to "fancy Dan" discos. Like he said, just not the "Hacksaw way."

For gays.

Now, out of the way Jimmy, we gotta get the dude from "Loveline" on here.

Insert question about genital warts here.

OH BABY, I like it RAW! the post-Rumble edition

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Last night was the Royal Rumble, so I won't recap last week's Raw since those story lines doesn't matter anymore! There is one thing you should know from a week ago though...VINCE McMAHON IS BACK!


That's right, Mr. McMahon has come back to his favorite show, Monday Night Raw, the flagship of all things entertainment. First order of business is to get Jericho his job back (we all knew that firing wouldn't stick). He apologized and everything's ok. Now Randy Orton comes out and starts demanding apologies from the McMahons. Well, that doesn't sit well with Vince, since I guess he's a face now, and he's just about to issue those famous words of his when Orton does the sensible thing and slaps him to the ground, then punts him in the head.


That's right, Vince can't last one night, nay ten minutes, without ending up on a stretcher. I guess we'll find out what happened to him tonight, provided his ambulance didn't drive off a cliff or something.

So we get to Rumble, and the first Raw match is for the Women's Championship. I don't really care, because Kelly Kelly is not involved.

Not pictured: reason to watch

Melina won, after Beth Pheonix made Melina kick herself with her own foot. That was entertaining.

Excuse me for five minutes...

The other Raw match was the World Heavyweight Championship match, with Mr. Cena facing JBL. The big story here is what would Shawn Michaels do? Choose between a big paycheck, or his own morality? Let's see!

Anyone know where I can get one of those kick-ass vests?

That's right, he had his cake and ate it too! Shawn put the boot to both of them, but then dragged JBL over for the pin. But he couldn't capitalize and Cena kicked out. All this after the first ref was knocked down and a new one came out, apparently unaware what had transpired previously. Cena ended up winning the match and retaining his title. JBL is Justa Big Loser.

Last, of course, was the Royal Rumble match. I don't feel like breaking down the whole thing, so I'll just offer a few thoughts...

Santino likely made history as the shortest time spent in the Rumble, getting elminated immediately by the Big Red Machine KANE(!). Glad to see him getting a push that he deserves.

Cody Rhodes eliminated his brother Goldust. I bet that led to some awkward family dinner conversation.


Hacksaw made an appearance, and it was every bit as epic as you imagine it would be.

Poetry in motion

Finally, we're left with Triple H and the three members of Legacy...


Naturally, it was a fair fight. Just kidding! They all teamed up on Trips. He managed to elminate two of them, but who was left standing in the end?

One dong to rule them all...

Will Randy get fired after winning the Rumble? I suppose there's only one way to find out! Well, two, since you could also watch live tonight, 9/8c on USA!

HOOOO rly?

This blog has had take a shot or two at Hacksaw Jim Duggan, and with good reason. The man is borderline retarded. But he's a superstar from the good ol' days, and that carries a little cachet. So WWE.com wondered what he thought about today's superstars, and he was happy to oblige.

Hacksaw, of course, says his generation was tougher than today's batch of wrestlers.


Maybe he knows a thing or two. He was the first man to win the Royal Rumble, which is coming up this Sunday. He thinks today's wrestlers are more skilled than in his time, but we all know that's the same as saying that chick you're trying to hook your friend up with has a "nice personality." In Hacksaw's time, you didn't have these fancy moves and such. You got out there and let each other have it, and you were much better for it.

These may have helped.

Things were so hard back then, you had to carry a weapon to the ring. And not as a prop. You had to have something there in case someone got a little fresh you had to commit some good old-fashioned assault. Which is why Hacksaw carries a 2x4 with him to ring. He was told to bring something down there he could use if things got a little hairy. Consequently, he now has more than 30 "custom" pieces of wood at his house.

Google doesn't have a freaking clue what you mean when you search "custom 2x4." That is a nice table though...

Duggan says that in his current storyline, he's working with Cryme Tyme and not for them. It seems like WWE needs to lighten up and show black men in a more positive, leadership-type role, now that we're living in post-racial America. He also said that he's not very close with John Cena, but he's a nice guy. Well, thanks for telling us something we already know, Hack.

If only that were real

OH BABY, I like it RAW! vol. 11

SEASON'S BEATINGS!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Last week was the night after Armageddon, and our superstars are feeling just as you'd expect after the ultimate battle by Good and Evil for control of the world's souls: ready for some more fighting! That's right! Heaven's angels and Hell's demons just didn't quite mix it up enough for the Raw locker room, and there's some unfinished business.

Revelation 6:1-8

What better way to start off a night of wrestling than the high-flying, death defying, bone crunching action of a tag team Divas match?

Yes, that is a rhetorical question, because the answer is clearly "None."

We have Kelly Kelly and Melina in the blue, or what I like to call "my," corner. Then there's Beth Phoenix and Jillian Hall in the red corner, also referred to as the "ugly corner." Boy howdy, this should be a slobber knocker. I'm going to have to hold my calls because this sure to last a good fif- oh wait! It's over. Well damn.

And I do mean DAMN!

But no! Those dastardly heels can't leave well enough alone! They're beating up on poor Kelly Kelly! Who in the world could come to her aid?


Not surprisingly, Kane's appearance led to everyone's disappearance. Everyone, that is, except for Kelly Kelly, who was left lying helpless in the middle of the ring at the whim of this big, red monster.

Seriously? Do they even want us to try anymore?

She ran off backstage, chased by Kane, which means the show can go on. Rey Mysterio is here to fight Deuce. But no! That's not Deuce. He says he's Jimmy Snuka's kid and wants to go by his real name, Sim Snuka. Right, because "Sim" is better than "Deuce." Anyway, I can see the resemblance. I always figured he liked to have coconuts banged against his face.

Rey won because the Unabomb- er, Mike Knox beat him up. That dude needs to take a chill pill.


There's a DX commercial. Shawn Michaels is so broke, he's forced to peddle cheap crap off of Shopzone. I can't believe it's come to this. I would have never thought...

We start to find out what's going on with Kane and Kelly Kelly, or as I like to call them, KKK. Kane's got her in an interrogation room, and says last week, she looked him in the eye and said "Love is a wonderful thing." Naturally, he misunderstood.



Kelly Kelly says that she didn't mean to lead him on, and Kane takes the news hard, but ultimately understands. They shake hands amicably and he holds the door open for her as she walks out.

NOT.

No, Kane offers to let her out, but then slams the door in her face and says he knows she feels something for him. Because the best way to get a woman to tell you she loves you is to hold her hostage in an interrogation room. Works every time.

"Ask her again. 'Would you like to have dinner tonight?'"

The New Kids on the Block, aka Orton, Cody, and Manu try to start some business with Batista. And by "business," I mean "beat the living fudge out of him." Of course, our very own Mr. Cena comes to the rescue and those two pledge to team up and whip NKOTB's ass, cure cancer, and rid Gotham City of crime.

Adam already told you last week that Jericho refused to fight Hacksaw Jim Duggan because it was beneath him to do so. He is the Superstar of the Year, and did come back to save us, so I think he's justified in thinking this. What did you do, Jim? Speak in monosyllables and rob from the Home Depot lumber department? You carry around the American flag like you're some great patriot, but who gives a damn? What gives you that right? Because one time you picked up a piece of tree while you were off doing construction somewhere and thought "Hey, I should be a wrestler"? People cheer you because it's easy and they're stupid. You, them and your crushed pride all make me sick, Hacksaw. A pox on you.


Back to the interrogation/date: Kane now wants to know if there's someone else. The obvious answer is "anyone else," but Kelly Kelly is a classy broad, so she doesn't go there. They go to a commercial break, and come back to the same room, because this is thrilling television. Kelly Kelly has apparently given Kane a name, and he's off take care of them. Because murder also wins a girl's heart. Well, not every time.

There was a great tag match with C.M. Punk and Kofi Kingston versus the Miz and John Morrison, but I couldn't care less about that right now because I'm too concerned about what Kane is going to do to Kelly Kelly's boyfriend. Luckily we don't have to wait long to find out, because after the match, Kane comes down and pile drives...

The Miz.


A couple of the Divas find Kelly Kelly afterward and ask if she's ok. They also say they didn't know she was dating the Miz, to which Kelly Kelly replies with the question we've all been asking, "The Miz? Seriously?" Seems there's been a bit of a mix-up.

Dolph Ziggler beat up Santa HAAS. I won't show any photos of that, because I'd like to believe it didn't happen.

Finally, we have the handicap match, and I think it's Batista and Mr. Cena who have the advantage.


The match goes as you might expect it to go. The heels gets disqualfied for doing something heelish. But what you might not have expected was for Randy Orton to KICK BATISTA'S HEAD OFF!

not shown: decapitation

Will Batista's head be reattached? Who will Jericho refuse to fight this week? Most importantly, WHO THE HELL IS KELLY KELLY DATING AND WHEN WILL THEY BREAK UP? All these questions need answers, and you need USA tonight at 9/8c!

W.W.W. featuring Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Shawn Michaels vs. The Texas Tornado.

SEASON'S BEATINGS!

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your Top 10 List of Billy Gunn gimmicks ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- Hacksaw Jim Duggan on Having a Beer with Mike




Adam's response....


I hate to spoil Matt's Raw recap next week, but something happened on Raw on Monday (I watch it because it reminds me how much I hate Raw and LOVE Smackdown) that pretty much sums up this entire video. Chris Jericho, coming off his title match loss to John Cena, is put into a match with Hacksaw Jim Duggan. However, Jericho refuses to wrestle Hacksaw because, well, it's beneath him. He just leaves, not even acknowledging the broken old man in the ring. But it didn't start then. Look at this. That's his gimmick now. A depressed old man. He's too insignificant to even beat down. People just walk over him and he takes it. It's all very sad.

Which leads me into making fun of this retard who carries around a 2x4 and screams "Ho!" Why not? He's an easy enough target. At least according to some TV show called Having a Beer with Mike. They decided to take Jimmy out for a beer and did something to offend him. I have no idea what it is. Hacksaw just starts screaming in a limo about something. It starts off like it's a jokey promo, but then just gets more and more legit.

Let's look at the man he's angry at. The supposed perp, if you will. He's your standard Orlando white trash (Heel heat on Orlando). Terrible tattoos, doesn't wear a shirt, goatee, black afro wig. He clearly works at Sea World. And clearly he did something to get Hacksaw's bee in his bonnet, and it's all magnified on national TV too, according to the angry man from Lake Placid, NY. Let's not blow this up to be any bigger then it is, K Duggan? He even starts being an old man and recounting his tenure and his twenty-two years of career. Like somehow chanting "USA!" and taking chair shots for my entire life time (I would have been 22 when this video was posted) somehow earns you some respect. WRONG.

Oh, now I got the problem. Hacksaw and HaBwM are old friends, which is why Hacksaw is so upset. The problem is that HaBwM always wants to "push the envelope" (not to be a hacky comedian, but what exactly does that expression refer to?) and how he always wants to "cross that line", just like that wascally Howard Stern ("hoo-hoo! Tell em, Fred!).




Clearly, whatever was done to Hacksaw "crossed the line" in Orlando. He then puts an exclamation on the problem by asking the WT what the five fingers said to the chest.

My therapist would say I have anger issues.

Oh well, that was short and sweet. What's that? This thing is still going on? Well let's see what we got. The narrator says that "Terror Strikes" during the Hacksaw blow up? Well duh, we just saw that? But there's more? It's an ad for the HaBwM DVD (volume 3!) Well let's see what hilarity will ensue:

A 40 year old bed wetter who has been hypnotized and let loose? Uh oh! "That's embarrassing." Well thank you narrator, for telling me what I should be thinking. OOO...Three Stooges clips which are probably in no way on the DVD. LOL!

What else we got on this baby? Rare scenes? Well I'd hope so, considering how probably only four people have seen this when it actually aired. Mike's impersonations? I'm only interested if he impersonates Chris Benoit. Kisses? More like pecks on the cheek. And spoofs? Nuff said.

One quick thing to note. The graphics are on screen for too long. They bleed into the next frame and don't sync well.

Not pictured: Dignity.

This DVD is too wild for snooty women, wimps, and geeks. Well I guess that disqualified the Laugh Twins from purchasing this bad boy. I mean, wait! How dare this DVD question my manhood! I'll show you by buying it! The commercial continues by saying it's perfect for bums and 30 years olds who still live at home. Two things make this statement incorrect.

1) Bums don't have homes, let alone DVD players.
2) Anyone who is not a bum usually lives at home. Why market only to the 30's? Way to limit your audience, shit dick.

Oh, so to get this DVD I have to grab my daddy's wallet. Why's that, because I (and by extension your fans) don't have a job and/or credit? Well I guess that's a safe assumption, being from Orlando and all. LOL, you zinged me HaBwM DVD commercial! Oh, and thank Heavens you're going to label the package "GED study guide." That is far less embarrassing then letting the mail man know I bought this DVD. No joke.

Still, what got Hacksaw so mad??? Better go get Daddy's wallet....

Adam's video to Matt: Shawn Michael vs. The Texas Tornado



Matt's response...

Alright now. This is what I'm talking about. A little Texas Two-step, so I'm going to pop open a Shiner Bock beer, unwrap a breakfast burrito and go to town on this puppy.

There are a lot of things to love about this: Sensational Sherry on the outside, Gorilla Monsoon and Alfred Hayes at the announce table, Kerry von Erich doing his stuff in the ring, and even the ref keeping it all above board. Yep, sure love all those things. And they're all dead too.

That's right, the vast majority of who you see in this video are dead now. Think about that.

I'd even venture to guess at least half the audience is dead too. Especially that chick that got a kiss from Kerry at the beginning. Her husband killed her before they even got home that night.

Above: domestic violence

That Shawn Michaels! So vain! He even brings a mirror to the ring to check himself out! Alfred Hayes postulates that he might also be using it to keep an eye on Tor-nah-do (what a British cigarette) but since he's facing the complete wrong way to do that, I'm going to go ahead and say "no" to that theory. Nice try though.

He should talk about how is dangerous to bring a large piece of glass to the ring, where people are constantly be tossed out to the floor. But Shawn helpfully demonstrates the dangers of that when he gets tossed through it at the end. Remember kids, don't be this f**king dumb at home.

I really like this match. Nice back and forth. Good heel tactics from Shawn. And Kerry's foot doesn't come off once! Yeah, that's right. If you're not aware (but I'm sure you are), The Texas Tornado had a fake foot. He still managed to be reigning IC Champion. There's something to be said for tight boots.

Texas Tornado v. 1.0

One of the great things about fighting outside the ring is that fans have a wonderful chance to get on their mic as a little bit of bonus commentary. This time is no different. The second time Shawn is tossed out and examining his lovingly coiffed mane, one guy in the front has to come along and burst his bubble:

You're ugly!

OH. MY. GOD. Somebody called the local volunteer fire department, because Michaels just got BURNED.

Above: wrestling fan

And I just have to say this has about the weakest ending I've ever seen on a potentially great match. I'm not even sure if the ref (now dead) knows what happened until the ring announcer told him. Honestly Kerry, I demand more from my one-footed IC Champs.