R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Hungry Animal heading to WWE TLC

SEASON'S BEATINGS!!!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

In all honesty, I have no idea why I'm even doing this. Apparently Matt doesn't need to recap Raw, so why in the blue hell would I need to recap Smackdown? And I hate this crap now too! You people are so lucky I've decided to bless you with my comedy brilliance. How would you ever LAWL @ Wresslin' if I wasn't here to brighten your miserable lives?

So CM Punk came out to call us all drug addicts again, but this time, there was something new. He brought a friend! Festus! Hillbilly Jim! Luke Gallows! Turns out his previous mental retardation was due to drug abuse! But now that he's clean he's totally fine...which is just about how every former meth addict I know acts.

Well the camo pants do scream "Methhead"

Punk then makes fun of a new Jeff Hardy DVD, when all- OOOHHHH YEEEEEEEAAAA!!!!



Yea, Matt essentially tells the kids that it's cool to be like his brother Jeff and be a screw up. He then wrestles a match with Punk, who decides it's more fun to have Crackhead Festus interfere and beat the hell out of whatever dumb nickname Hardy calls himself now.

First rule of the zombie Apocalypse: Short hair.

Sex-ay

There was #1 contenders match in the middle of the show, as the world champion Undertaker's brother, KANE!, took on The Animal, Batista!

I FACE OFF WITH ANOTHER PERSON ALONE!!!!

You know (tm) what I never noticed before? Batista's trunks mirror his back tat.

Coincidence?

Also, I love the WWE.com interns, not just for the awesome title for this week's recap, but for this wonderful caption.

He's not any specific animal. Just an Animal.

By the way, that's how Batista won. Via sunset flip. KANE! can't believe it either.


Finally, our main event was the same main event from a few weeks ago. One half of the unified tag champs, Chris Jericho, took on the Undertaker. Batista decided to check it out on commentary.

Then the Undertaker played some of his infamous mind games with a spooky entrance.


I'll spare you the details, since one guy jobs all the time and one guy never jobs, but the WWE.com interns do rule.

That's actually a really great pun

Oh, and Batista interfered.

I yawn alone

Anyway, everyone is in Iraq, so I wouldn't expect the most stellar of Smackdown's tonight. Still, judge for yourself! 8/7c, MyNetwork TV! Or some other time on hulu!

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Trumping the competition

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Last week was the big three-hour edition of Raw, which included matches from Hackdown and ECW, so you can call it special if you want; I call it a waste of my time.

But Raw did have some pretty important things happen, the biggest of which is that the show was SOLD TO DONALD TRUMP. That's right - Vince McMahon decided to somehow sell one of the WWE's programs. We already discussed the ramifications of this on this site, so no point in me going into it now, suffice it to say we have a new man in charge around here.

Raw, however, wasn't going to let a shake-up like this keep it down, and they burst out of the gate with a Fatal Four Way to determine the new WWE Champion. I say "new" because Batista is out for a scheduled unexpected surgery on his arm. The title was vacated, so no matter what, we're getting a new champeen.

Understated, WWE.com writers. I like it.

Randy would eventually sneak in, like the "viper" he is, and pin the Big Show to the win the title. So two weeks after "Extreme Rules," the overall change to Raw is zero.

We like to mix things up around here.

McMahon introduces our new owner, and they have an awkward sounding conversation. It's almost as if Trump couldn't hear Vince at all! Like he was simply pausing to allow a response, and then going on with what he had to say! But then again, he seemed to answer Vince's questions....hmmm, technology is just so confusing.

Back to my moonshine!

Trump said that next week (tonight!) Raw would be aired commercial-free! That's pretty bold. What are they going to cut to when the wrestlers start putting a series of submission holds on each other, only to get back to the action five minutes later? I guess we'll have to find out.

However, Vince wasn't going to let this announcement outshine him just yet. He said there was going to be a 10-Man Battle Royal later in the night to determine an opponent for Randy Orton at "The Bash."

No.

They had a useless Divas match between Mickie James and Rosa Mendes. Mickie won. Maryse attacked her afterward. Does anyone care?

No.

Moving on, we have one of the more odd segments of the show. Goldust and Hornswoggle were shooting t-shirts into the crown, since apparently they have nothing better to do.


For whatever reason, the Miz felt this was his time to shine, and came out to cut his hundredth promo on John Cena. Goldust decided to speak for everyone in America, and said he thought it was a pretty tired bit and the Miz should stop. Of course, the Miz, being reasonable, took this advice and went on about his life not worried about Mr. Cena.


Or not.


That's right. He shot a midget in the crotch with a t-shirt fired from an air cannon. Way. To. Go.

Finally, it's the match we've been waiting about an hour to see - the 10-Man Battle Royal. We have some of Raw's greatest talent, like Big Show, William Regal, Matt Hardy, and the Miz. Who in the world might win??

Oh.

So yes, at the Bash we are going to have Randy Orton versus Triple H for the WWE Title.


What's that? Donald Trump says that match is actually going to happen next week (tonight!) and that it's going to be Last Man Standing match???

Be sure to tune in tonight at 9/8c on USA for no commercials and free PPV matches.