W.W.W. featuring Kane/X-Pac and Jake Roberts

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your tribute to dead wrestlers (that's most of YouTube, we think) ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- Kane vs X (sic) Pac Promo



Adam's response

Wrestling gets a lot of flack lately for going too far into the past. WWE brought back Bret Hart, TNA is just the old NWO and WWE midcarders who never did anything about get injured and kiss boys (and Ric Flair.) Still, sometimes the past isn't always as rosy as we remember it. The last "golden age of wrestling" had its fair share of past ripoffs. Much like this Kane/X-Pac feud from 2000.

Sure, it's the typical "friend turns on other friend by stealing his woman" story. That's a wrestling foundation and by no means is that a rip off. No, what is the ripoff is the basic idea behind the story. And as is clear, this entire story is just Harry and the Hendersons.

It's actually obvious, really

Let's see. Monster (Kane) finds family (DX) who want to exploit him, but eventually learn to love him? Yea, I saw this before in a John Lithgow masterpiece not named Footloose. Try again, WWE writers.

Of course, the main reason Matt sent me this video is to have me rip on X-Pac. So I'm going to just show you the silliest things this drug addict did here.

1) Overalls

2) Taking the female position in a kiss

Of course, that last one really just foreshadowed to another classic film.

Is this what Tori meant when she said "X-Pac in one word? Gentleman"?

Adam's video to Matt - Jake Roberts interview

Matt's response...

This has got to go down in history as the most uncomfortable interview set ever. The three look like they're wedged into the bench seat of a 1981 Chevrolet truck, with Paul Ellering somehow riding in the bed, poking his head through the back window. I don't know, that's kind of where my analogy breaks down...just like an old truck! Anyway, my point is it's ridiculously cramped on set. I know I've said this numerous times on all sorts of different occasions, but I still feel justified suggesting they just kiss and get it over with already.

Except for Bill Apter. He's totally straight.

I'd like to send a letter to that address at the end, just to see what happens. In fact, we should do that, as a little prank from the LOLiverse. Ask a question pertinent to 1984 as well, such as the ramifications of Vince McMahon buying Georgia Championship Wrestling from the Briscos, or maybe how we think this new kid Scott Hall is going to be a real straight shooter. Maybe they'll think it got lost in the mail or something. That would be a cute prank. Also, include some anthrax.

Kimonos are not used enough in wrestling these days. Is that not a manly thing to wear? Precious Paul sure seems to pull it off. I wouldn't mess with the dude. He just stands there, wearing his kimono and working on a crossword or something. That's tough. So I'd like to see more of that. At least make the divas have a geisha match or something. Slutty geishas, of course.

Let's fact check Jake here for a second: he guarantees that he will be the TV champion again. Wanna guess how that turned out? He didn't get it. Now, he would go to WCCW and win their TV title, but that's not really the same thing. However, I guess he's techincally correct. Checkmate, Snake.

Interesting note about the match their talking about: Ronny Garvin wanted to challenge Jake for that TV title, but the Snake wouldn't budge, probably because he knew he was supposed to lose it. So Garvin had to mortgage his house to pay Jake enought money to get him to take the match. I like that. These days, guys are just handed title matches like it's nothing. Sure they win a little bit or something to get there, but they really don't put a whole lot on the line. Garvin could have been homeless if this whole thing didn't work out. I think that's a pretty good story.

The ironic thing is now Jake's the one that's pretty much homeless.

He does drugs, is incoherent, and shows his penis to strangers...that's homeless.

Out of the groove

A couple days ago, we brought you a list of what we considered the best wrestling themes in existence.  However, with every up, there's a down, and where wrestling themes are concerned, there are LOTS of downs.  In the effort to be balanced, we're bringing you today the Bottom 8 theme songs.

The rules for consideration are the same - it has to be a song written to be an entrance theme.  It also has to be a song, which means Diesel's theme is out, because it pretty much is an entrance sound effect.  Right to Censor is out as well (looks like the Laugh Twins are the ones with the right to censor now!)

They also will be WWF/E themes, which narrows down the pool and makes it easier for us, but does preclude things like this gem.  We encourage you to listen to that, because your life will never be the same...it will be worse.

So, cue the pathetic drum roll, because here's your Bottom 8 theme songs of all time (as chosen by us!)

8. Chris Jericho - "Don't You Wish You Were Me?"

You may think this is breaking the first rule, because technically this was on the Fozzy album first, but since we made the list, this one is getting in.  It's Jericho's band, so we think we have a pass on this one.  The song itself is forgettable, but what really made this terrible is that he chose this over his truly great theme (which made #6 on our first list).  Also, anytime your theme song is altered to sell YJ Stinger, it's got serious stink on it.

7. X-Pac

"Quick, tell me something about X-Pac!"

"Uh, he was in D-X, right?"

Banking off his one recognizable plus, the original (and pretty kick-ass) Degeneration X theme was remixed for one Sean Waltman.  It was slowed down, a poor rap placed over the beat, and preceded with the command to "make some noise," which no one in the crowd heeded.  If there's one way to get someone to dislike you, it's to remind them of cool things you used to do.

6. Billy Gunn - "Ass Man"

Allow us to give you the first two lyrics of this song (aside from recognizing the fact that Billy Gunn is, in fact, an ass man)

I love to love 'em, I love to kick 'em, I love to shove 'em, I love to stick 'em

Love to flaunt 'em, I love to watch 'em, I love to pick 'em, and I'm gonna kick 'em

We should remind you that he's talking about ass here.  Just in case you missed it, he'll tell you twice that he's going to kick ass, but not before he also makes it clear he will stick and pick ass as well.  And later on he tells us the best is when you "sneak up from behind."  Billy and Chuck make a whole lot more sense now.

5. Gregory Helms

A problem some wrestlers have is a generic theme.  It's not necessarily bad; it just doesn't stand out in anyway from some other jobber on the roster.  Mr. Helms had that problem, because his theme wasn't all that bad, it was just "meh."  So to solve this (and ensure a huge pop), his theme was modified so you'd no for sure you were about to witness the genius of Gregory Helms.  How did they accomplish this?  By having him say "Gregory Helms!" at the beginning.  Good plan.

4. McMahon's Million Dollar Mania

Alright, so this wasn't actually a wrestler, but this concept was so ridiculous it had to make it in.  Right before he was crushed by the Raw set, Mr. McMahon spent a couple weeks giving away cash on the air.  Rather than simply come out to his own theme (which made it onto the other list as well at #5), McMahon thought he should start the segment out with a special theme for "da monaaay" itself.  Whichever Mozart came up with Gregory Helms's theme got some extra work that day, and some singer was paid to come and repeat the word "money" into a mic fifty times.

3. Any Diva theme

We're highlighting Torrie's theme here, but this applies to pretty much every Diva other than perhaps Lita.  The diva's theme serves one purpose - background noise while we oogle at her Titantron video or her prance down the ramp.  But they all share some common messages: this girl is hot; she likes to have fun; she might possibly want to do something nasty with you; and everyone likes to look at her.

2. The Mountie

This just sounds like a cartoon theme.  How this was ever supposed to create excitement for the Mountie is beyond us, because all this makes us want is some Fruity Pebbles.  In case you were curious, he's handsome, and brave, and strong.  Well, buddy, if your theme song has to inform us of that, it's probably nowhere near the truth.

1. Rob Conway

Immediately when we thought of this list, we knew what would occupy the number one spot.  Catapulting itself into the "so bad, it's good' territory, Conway's theme when he broke off from La Resistance is a classic case of missing the mark.  Rob Conway himself has said he hated it.  With it's ragtime-ish piano and absolutely ridiculous lyrics and vocals, Conway let the audience know that it was time to cast their gaze upon his wonderment, because he's been around the world and been with many, many girls.  The sad thing is, this theme is main reason both of the Laugh Twins are probably the biggest Con-fans you'll ever meet.