OH BABY, I like it Raw! Judgment has come

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Last night was Judgment Day, and we're all still here. If I understand my Bible correctly (which I don't, but go with me on this one), we're all in for seven years of tribulation, seeing as how we were the ones "left behind." Oooh, pop culture reference...

From 1995.

I would guess that since we watch WWE programming, we're punished enough. Actually, it seems that the Raw fans were the ones being whipped and beaten last night, because it took a good 45 minutes before we see any ring action. (Or maybe it's just that all the Shatdown and ECW guys are more comfortable jerking the curtain) And who are we Raw watchers treated to first?

DAMN IT!

Basically, the Miz came out and did what every heel since the beginning of time has done - insult the local sports team. His target were the Chicago Cubs, so we care...why? Seeing Alfonso Soriano, he directed his vitriol toward him.


Once he was done with the tongue-lashing of Soriano, Santino came down to the ring. Santino followed "Steve Austin's Keys to being a Face" and called the Miz a jackass. Everyone cheers. Then Santino got beat up. Everyone boos.

Why do you play with our emotions?

Chavo thought this was a good time to beat up Santino as well, since he called Vickie a pig or something.

Randy Orton and Batista face off for the WWE Heavyweight title. This match saw Orton trying to use every means available to get DQ'd from being counted out to using things as weapons, but he could never escape the wiles of one Mr. The Animal. Finally, Orton just went and slapped the ref.


Why go through all the trouble of the match and possibly being hurt if you wanted to get DQ'd the whole time and all you had to do was slap the ref? Just do it at the beginning and call it day. Men...


Naturally, Orton's two beautiful bodyguards ran down for a little 3-on-1 action once the match was over. But their party wouldn't last long, as Ric Flair would show up to save Batista, proving once again that Legacy can beat up anyone in the WWE not over 50.

Not pictured: Leaving the memories alone

Finally, the match you weren't waiting for at all, Mr. John Cena versus the Big Show. Not to belittle the fair Mr. Cena, of course. We just know who's winning this one.

The high drama of this match was the fact that Cena could not lock-in the STF on Big Show.


In the end, Cena did was he always does and gently laid Show down on his back- er, I mean, totally hit him with the Attitude Adjuster and straight up adjusted that fool's attitude. Cena wins and makes up for being tossed into an electrical device somehow.

That's it! That's everything you need to know going into tonight's episode of Raw, so it's going to take maybe half an hour to wrap all that up? More time for the 24 season finale! But you should check out Raw, 9/8c on USA!

THERE'S NO TIME!

W.W.W. featuring the TNA Knockouts and Kurt Angle/The Rock

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your "comedic" parody of Scott Hall's Saturday evenings ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - TNA: Beautiful People vs. Taylor Wilde and Roxxi



Matt's response...

Hello and welcome to LOL, Wresslin's Brand Outreach Program! Please allow us a moment of your time to talk to you about the wonderful, non-WWE world of professional wrestling.

Begun on January 1, 2009, it is the mission of the LOLBOP to introduce you to other brands of wrestling that you may have not known about, ignored, or thought stupid. We here believe that a well-rounded wrestling fan is a happy wrestling fan, and as a group of concerned citizens feel it is our part to provide you clear examples of the kinds of entertainment that wait for you when you choose to expand your viewing habits.

This week, we focus on the TNA. We are already seeing interest in our first program on this brand, which introduced you to the president of TNA wrestling, Dixie Carter. This interest seems to be mainly because she is hot, so we've decided to build on that and show you what you can expect from the women of TNA, commonly referred to as "knock-outs."

Please note at the beginning of this video what we will call the "TNA fan." This person is similar in many ways to a fan of the WWE; however, the TNA fan is willing to cheer into the camera for no discernable reason for moments on end, and endure an entire program with no clear method of sitting down. Some might call this type of devotion "hardcore," and we think this fan would agree.

First to the ring is our referee for the night, Traci Brooks. Take notice how "bouncy" she is. Also, she is sporting a referee shirt that generously shows off her cleavage and mid-riff, which varies from the typical, more conservative WWE referee shirt. We believe this is standard company ref attire.

Next to the ring are the "Beautiful People" who are, in fact, beautiful. We'll allow you a moment to enjoy their ring entrance, which includes an extended pause while ducking through the ring ropes. The cameraman takes this time to focus on each finely toned posterior, and the eye is drawn to them more thanks to generous "pointing" from both Knockouts. Also see how Cute Kip, the lone male in the group, appears to do it completely wrong.

The first of their opponents is the "hardcore knockout" Roxxi. Don't feel that we misled you - Roxxi is still techinically considered a knockout, despite being admitted to the squad following a Supreme Court ruling on Raczynski v. Total Nonstop Action Wresling, which said males could not be discriminated against if they wished to be considered a TNA Knockout. Roxxi is a fine example of the American justice system in action, and should be applauded.

[Her] tag team partner is Taylor Willde, from Ontario, Canada. Canada has long been a breeding ground for great wrestlers and really hot chicks who get by on looks alone.

As the match begins, this is a good time to introduce the TNA announce team, which you will encounter each week, of Don West and Mike Tenay. There are some who have claimed that the TNA announcers are clearly reading off a script when they call matches. We feel this match is a fine example that Mr. West and Mr. Tenay are allowed to discuss whatever they want during a match, including (and possibly exclusively) something other than what is happening in the ring. TNA takes the bold stand that the action is presented for your own eyes on the televison, and the announcers should use that time to talk about anything they choose pertaining to the product.

As you can see, TNA makes use of a six-sided ring instead of the traditional square. Some have called this simply a gimmick, but it's clear that it is also adds a variety of new scenarios to a match, like two more turnbuckles into which you can slam an opponent's head.

TNA matches are also similar to WWE matches, as they make use of "moves" and "spots." There is a wide-spread belief that performers in this brand simply stumble around the ring, throw phantom punches, and wait until one of them is told to lie down and do the job. TNA wrestling clearly involves a little more than that, and this is just a women's match!

When the match ends, you'll also notice that heels react to a loss in this brand much as they do in the WWE - with bewildered looks and harsh words for the refs. However, please recognize that TNA strives to be a more family-friendly promotion, and you'll hear no foul language coming from the any of the scantilly-clad, large breasted performers. Even the other guy in the match, Cute Kip, keeps it relatively clean when he voices his displeasure to the referee, choosing simply to say "You suck," rather than unleash a string of clever expletives.

The LOLBOP hopes this video was helpful in making you aware of all the great things that are there for your viewing consumption outside the WWE! Thank you for watching, and remember that if you do watch TNA wrestling and something seems not quite up-to-par, it's a Thursday night, and what else do you have to do?

Matt's video to Adam- The Rock and Kurt Angle Funny Segment.






Adam's response....

Lies. Lies make Baby Jesus cry. These Youtube videos are lies. The title for them is The Rock and Kurt Angle Funny Segment, and honestly, they are not. I get it. Sex organs could be misconstrued as various food items. Hardy har har. Yup. Oh and now that that's over let's plug two books. Smooth transition, boys. Smooth.

Now, I have to take issue with one thing Kurt said. He states that the best match of his career was when he beat the Rock for the WWF title. Maybe professionally, but I think winning the gold medal at the 1996 Olympics may trump being in the same as Sid and Kane.





OOOO, and now we have the Rock singing. I know I'm spewing loads of hate on this post (and we did, after all, stop that hate in 08), this kind of Elvis crooning has always annoyed me. Anyone can do it. That doesn't make you a good singer. Sorry Dwayne. Now true (it's true), Kurt sort of proves me wrong by not singing, but I'd like to think that's mostly for the cameras.

There is a redeeming quality though. This video simultaneously has my biggest pet peeve and then calls it out for being absurd. I sincerely dislike the inconsistency of the backstage camera's existence. I'm not referring to interviews. Those are fine. I just find it odd when the camera is in the locker room with a wrestler when s/he's just relaxed. Sometimes the wrestler acknowledges the giant piece of technology in their private quarters, and other times they don't. It's maddening. So it annoys me when the Rock looks into the camera and asks if we want to hear Kurt sing. That'd be like Jack Bauer looking into the camera on 24 and saying "Hey Adam, I'm going to kill these terrorists...or die trying" (This Sunday, 8/7c on Fox!)



That's why I was so happy when Kurt said "Who are you talking to?" I'm willing to suspend belief that that camera doesn't actually exist and I'm some omnipotent god who sees all on Earth-53. It affirms why Kurt Angle is so awesome. And it makes me very sad when I realize that he's probably going to die soon due to his suicidal tendency to constantly wrestle with a broken neck.