OH BABY, I like it Raw! The one with Bret Hart

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Clearly the most important thing that happened on Raw last week was Bret Hart coming back to guest host the show. So I'm going to cover those segments in depth here, and the rest of the stuff will skim over. Really, it didn't matter all that much anyway.

Bret opens the show, looking more like Owen these days, and immediately gets down to calling out Shawn Michaels. It seems Shawn had a little something to do with this thing in Montreal in 1997.

The jean shorts are the only thing that look good about him.

For the most part, Bret kept himself together and managed to keep his stroke at bay.

Shawn came out, and rather than being apologetic about the whole thing, told Bret that he pretty much had it coming. That's how you start putting the past behind you, Shawn.

"You screwed me." "Eh, you deserved it. We cool?"

However, they were able to make some ground. Shawn told Bret he respected him and always looked back fondly on their matches. They finally shook hands, and after a moment, hugged...like two robots that haven't been oiled in a very long time.

"This wasn't in the script."

Bret then called out Vince McMahon, but he didn't come out because, come on, we gotta have something to do later in the show, right?

Mayse beat up Brie Bella, but who didn't see that coming? Brie has spent the last several months attached to the hip of every guest host that's come through. The only reason she didn't escort Bret around is because he's the only one that more than likely would have sex with her. MVP won a Fatal Four-Way against Mark Henry, Carlito and Jack Swagger to become the number one contender for the U.S. title. Ballin'.

DX beat Jeri-Tall, which now means Jericho is somehow banned from Raw. Didn't this happen before? I fail to see how this changes anything, but I guess we all know the first banning is just a suggestion anyway. As a side note, Jericho tried to enlist the help of Bret Hart, whom he wanted to serve as guest referee. Then Bret could screw over Shawn and the whole thing could have a nice conclusion. Bret declined, saying he only participates in storylines where he's the martyr.

Evan Bourne faced the WWE Champion Sheamus. Bourne was promised a title shot at the Royal Rumble if he could beat Sheamus that night. Any guesses on how this one turned out? Put your bets in now...

3...

2...

1...

Bourne lost. Sorry to the none of you that lost that bet.

Finally, we get Randy Orton versus Kofi Kingston, but this is the normal Orton/Kingston match you've become accustomed to over the past however long this feud has been going on. No, henchmodels Ted DiBiase, Jr. and Cody Rhodes set up this little match to test Orton. If Randy loses, he's kicked out of the Legacy and they're going to kick his ass. This is retribution for last week (two weeks ago!) when Randy did the same thing to them.

Randy won, and I'm sure that those two brainiacs will figure out that you can't really threaten the boss and expect to get away with it. Even though that's what people do in the WWE every stinking day.

To end the show, Vince McMahon comes to the ring and calls down Bret Hart. What's going to happen??!

Well, Vince says he's still mad about getting spit on over 12 years ago, but he also says that he was proud of Bret and that Bret was one of the best ever. Having felled the Hitman enough to get him to shake hands, the two exchanged a professional pump of the hands and then celebrated together.

Please hold for the eventual swerve...

THERE IT IS!

That's right. Vince kicked Bret! Vince kicked Bret! And this time, McMahon can't spin it as "Bret kicked Bret" because we have photographic proof! Tune in for "Iron" Mike Tyson, 20 years past his prime, hosting Raw tonight! USA, 9/8c!

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Swingin' the big Timba

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



There's a lot of talk about what's going down in the wrestling world tonight, but before we can get there, we have to take a trip down memory lane. So hop in the WABAC machine, and let's set the dial to one week ago...

TOO FAR! WE'VE GONE TOO FAR!!!

We start the night with Cena demanding that he get a rematch with Sheamus for the WWE Title. Sheamus, knowing that a mid-carder can only hold the championship so long, was smart and declined the challenge. However, Cena remembered that this is the WWE, and if you can't get your point across with words, it most certainly can be communicated with violence.


So we're set for a rematch later in the evening.

Randy Orton decided that the other members of Legacy are going to have to do something other than look good if they are going to continue to be his backup (the Laugh Twins, however, don't have such harsh standards, so Teddy, if you're looking for future endeavors, we'll entertain your application. Not you though, Cody. We're fairly certain your mom was drinking while you were in the womb).

So Ted DiBiase, Jr. is going to have to prove his worth by facing Evan Bourne while Randy watches ringside. This worked out for Teddy by not just giving him the opportunity to show off his skills, but also to promote The Marine 2: Marinier, which is out on DVD now.


Ted won the match, so he gets to keep kissing Orton's ass.

Next up was Cody Rhodes. Now, I'm not a betting man, but if I had to guess as to which member of Legacy that Randy Orton was hoping to be rid of, I'd say it's Cody. Not judging from his past performance, of course, but rather his chosen opponent. You see, Ted had to face this joker...


...while Cody had to face this one...

It's like Santa Claus ate Santa Claus. Oh, and turned black.

Somehow, Cody was able to win, proving once again that Mark Henry is nothing more than a plot device.

Maryse was looking to exact some revenge after Kelly*2 pinned her last week and won the Santa's Little Helper match. We can see how a loss in that match would be a thorn in anyone's side. So we're stuck at a fork in the road in this match, seeing as how we typically cheer for whichever Diva is the hottest in any particular match. I guess we'll have to go for the tiebreaker and cheer for the one with the most cleavage.

Or maybe the one that pins like this.

Maryse picked up the win and then beat the crap out of K-Twice, proving that aggravated assault is ok if it's between two smoking hot women.

Mr. McMahon came out to announce that he wasn't going to accept Bret Hart's request to guest host an episode of Raw. Something tells me that Bret didn't so much request to guest host, but rather the WWE waved a huge wad of cash in his face, and Bret requested to have it. However it went down, Vince was not going to have that happen.

But then Shawn Michaels came out to request a rematch with the Undertake at Wrestlemania 26.


McMahon said that wasn't up to him, seeing as how he doesn't have any control over the Undertaker. Well, that's not a very good thing to admit. Why even have him on the payroll, or is he forcing you to do that as well? What a liability to a company to have an employee that can't be controlled whatsoever. I think I need to let E*Trade know there's a change of plans.

Shawn then decided that it would be a good idea for Bret to host Raw, and McMahon changed his mind as they exchanged a little glance. Are there ulterior motives at play? We'll let you be the judge.

Hint: there are

Kofi has finally decided to fight someone other than Randy Orton, and that person is the Miz. Excuse us while we express our excitement.


Of course, we aren't content to see just one bout, because if Kofi wins the first non-title match, he'll be granted an immediate second match for the United States Championship. This a gift from our guest host Timbaland.

Thanks for hosting Raw, Timbaland. Please enjoy your complimentary prostitutes.

In order to keep the drama going, Kofi wins the first one, and is set to win the second, when none other than that dastardly Orton came out to attack Kingston, causing him to win by DQ but not capture the title. Of all the low-down, dirty deeds...why Randy, I think you've gone too far!

"You don't even know how far I can go."

Chavo Guerrero continued filling the place of Chris Jericho in Jeri-Tall, which is as bad as Chavo filling in for anyone. Of course, because of him, they lost to DX.


Jericho was there, however. He'd gotten a front-row ticket, since he's no longer allowed on Raw. This after he stood outside the arena, asking fans to sign a petition so he could be reinstated to Monday Nights. This man hates Smackdown so much that he's willing to seek the support of the sycophantic hypocrites. That's telling.

DX said they'd face Jeri-Tall for the titles, as long as if Big and Rich loses, Jericho will stop trying to get back on Raw.

Now show yourself the door!

Finally, it's that big Cena and Sheamus rematch you've been waiting for, and guess what - it ended in a DQ. That's right, Sheamus grabbed the ref and that was all she wrote for that match. Naturally, Cena was upset and wanted to prove he could beat up the Celtic Pride anyway, so he dragged him back in the ring.

In an stunningly vivid proof of the old Irish saying "Don't start nuttin' if you don't want nuttin'," Sheamus leveled Cena with a boot to the head. Twice.

WWE.com intern Understatement of 2010

So there you have it. The stage is set for the return of the Hitman to Monday Night Raw this evening. And you didn't hear it from me, but apparently another sHOboating GArgantuaN is making an appearance on a different promotion that may or may not remind you of female body parts. Raw starts at 9/8c on USA.

OH BABY, I like it Raw! A "little" help

SEASON'S BEATINGS!!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



As I've stated before, I apologize for missing last week's recap. Allow me to just give a quick thought on that Thanksgiving edition of Raw with guest host Jesse "the Governor" Ventura. It was a lot of fun. However, it's lost a bit of it's shine when you now realize that Ventura was just using it to plug his show after he talked shit about the WWE only a couple days after doing the show. C'mon Jesse, at least let us believe you for a week.

Last week's show was hosted by Verne Troyer. Who's that, you ask?

Wait, we still care about that guy? Also, this picture is just creepy.

So how did "the little one" start off Raw? Well, he didn't. JeriTall and DX did that for him. Apparently, the Tag Team Champions aren't happy that DX is their opponent for TLC, and DX isn't happy simply because that's the cool thing to do.

Skullcaps FTW

Here's the reasonable match they came up with: Jericho and Triple H will have a match tonight (last week!) and whomever loses will have to face the both of the opposing team members next week (tonight!). The stakes couldn't be higher.

I stand corrected.

One other thing I didn't mention about the Thanksgiving edition of Raw is that MARYSE IS BACK!


I know I shouldn't be excited about a heel Diva, but I think I'm allowed this one. She dressed up last week (two weeks ago!) as the Gobbledy Gooker to attack Melina, and this time shed the turkey get-up to pin her during a tag match.


There's a "turkey stuffing" joke in there somewhere.

Sheamus beat up Santino to...prove a point? I'm not really sure what point that would be, other than he can beat up WWE's dumber, cross-dressing version of Borat.

Verne Troyer makes an appearance only to be insulted by the Miz. Well that's just mean. Troyer (and WWE interns) have had just about enough of the United States Champion.

...if you couldn't tell by his facial expression.

Troyer pulls out the Raw equivalent of KANE! on the Miz and puts him in a match against Mark Henry. Oooooh, you're gonna have to eat your words, Miz!!

Seriously, you're going to have to eat them, or Mark Henry will eat them for you.

The long-standing feud between Randy Orton and Kofi Kingston continued as the two were booked to face off one-on-one. Of course, that didn't mean the Legacy couldn't have their way with the Fakin' Jamaican first.

ACTING!

They beat him up quite a bit before the match started, leaving easy pickin's for Hoggo.

During a contract signing on the Thanksgiving show, John Cena was attacked by his opponent for TLC, Sheamus, and put through a table. Cena decided to tempt fate and actually asked Sheamus to come out and do it again.

Honestly, WWE.com interns, who doesn't?

Instead of Sheamus, Carlito came out for some reason. That's not cool.


Cena beat him up for trying to spit apple in his face, and only then did Sheamus show up for the patented "cross arena staredown."

Mark Henry and the Miz had their match. Do I really need to you how that turned out?

Figure out the rest.

Finally, it's time for HHH and Jericho and as you might expect, this thing gets pretty brutal.


Things would get so dirty, in fact, that both men would knock each other down for a near 10-count, as counted by Screamy McRef.

Go ahead and zoom in. You know where. It's worth it.

Trips would be the one to go the distance in this one, meaning tonight we'll have Jericho facing DX sans Big Show, and really, is that a loss for anyone?

Raw emanates from Dallas this week, but sadly, I'm unable to attend. Just another way I'm failing you, the reader. Perhaps it's a good thing, since I won't become jaded and miserable like my fellow Laugh Twin, but it would have been nice to go all the same. Made quadruple-nice since my earthly master Mark Cuban is guest hosting! Go on Cubes! Give Orton some payback for giving you an RKO six years ago!



Tune in tonight at 9/8c on USA!

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Game Changer

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Yes friends, you've made it back just in time for another recap of the greatest show on television, Monday Night Raw! Last week, we were hot off the heels of that long-standing wrestling institution, "Extreme Rules." What in the world could have happened?? I'll tell you...

We start the night with our new WWE Champion, "The Animal" Batista!! He came out to say how he won the championship for Ric Flair and all the fans and paused appropriately for cheers. That's nice and all, but we know the truth around here.


The Animal's acceptance speech didn't last all that long, because Legacy came down and kicked the crap out of him, and then did one of those things where you put a body part in a folding chair and totally step on the other end so it looks like it might hurt really, really bad.


Then Randy Orton grabbed Batista's arm and pulled it until it bent in the natural direction! Oh, but we're supposed to think he leveraged his arm against the chair and snapped it in half, so that's what happened. So Batista is taken out of the arena in an ambulance, and Orton picks up the title and walks away. Huh?? Is he champion now? I don't understand.

But apparently Orton does. He demands a match against Batista tonight (last Monday!) and says that if Batista can't make it to the ring, he wins. And Vickie Guerrero says this makes sense somehow.

No time to wonder about that, though. One-quarter of Jamaica's bobsled team beat England's own William Regal to keep his U.S. title, because we all know that people from the U.K. can't possibly amount to anything in the United States. It's a whole new world over here.

A dazzling place.

Kofi, naturally, was excited.


Another match for the Diva's title, against against Maryse, who I'm slowly growing attracted to, and Kelly Kelly, who I'm slowly following in my car. Look, you all know how much a fan of K-Squared I am, but let's be real - do any of us think she's going to be holding a title in the WWE?

No.

It looked like we were finally going to see some closure to this one-sided feud between Mr. John Cena and that doucher Miz. Mr. Cena, just off the phone with his folks, said that he would meet the Miz in the ring for a little grappling. When he went to do, that nasty bastard Big Show poked his face in and then beat up John Cena. And the Miz hit them both with a steel chair, because for some reason he's being allowed to do that.

Next is one of the more disturbing moments on Raw in a while. Vickie Guerrero came out to say that she'd be quitting as Raw GM, which, whatever. Good, I guess. Really, who cares?

But then Edge thinks this is a good time to add some insult to insult. He comes down and says the only reason he was married to Vickie was because of her power, because marrying a general manager of Raw does a load of good for someone on Smackdown. In any case, Edge says he's divorcing her.


And what did the WWE Universe do in reply?


That's right. They loved it. Here, in this ring in front of thousands of people, and millions more at home, this woman is having her life completely torn apart. Rather than a comforting look and uplifting applause, she's treated to a chorus of "Hey, hey, goodbye!" Imagine if that happened in real life. I would like to be the first to extend my hand in condolence to the former Mrs. Vickie Edge, and I wish her the best in the future.

I just can't win with guys named "Ed."
(Joke courtesy of Laugh Twin Adam)

Finally, we're at this confusing main event. Orton comes out, and then waits for Batista to appear. He of course doesn't, having gone off to have surgery to repair his torn biceps broken arm. The ref starts to count him out, until he sees an ambulance on the Titantron, the Animal's preferred method of transportation! He stops the count and waits to see what happens.


OMG OMG OMG!!! IT'S TRIPS!!!

That's right, Triple H has returned to Monday Nights, and needless to say, he came out and cut a swath of destruction in the ring.


Still, we have no clue who is WWE Champion, but that question will be answered tonight, on a three-hour edition of Raw, where all three heavyweight titles will be defended! Be sure to tune in early, 8/7c on USA!

OH BABY, I like it RAW! WWE's Lakers: Straight up Ballin'!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Hi gang. You may have noticed a little something different in that intro. Matt has a fever, so he graciously asked me to slam his favorite TV show for him today. Who knows how this will go? My guess? Poorly. I mean, look at how much punctuation is in the title alone!

Anyway, as we have been reporting for the last few weeks, last Monday's Raw was the culmination of the "Denver Debacle." I'm not going to recount it. Still, in the interest of padding out this post, here's a LOL of Vince and Denver Nuggets owner, E. Stan Kroenke.

"Your first name rhymes with two things that can describe Matt Striker!"

Kelly Kelly had a Divas title match for some reason. And actually won the match! But by disqualification, which means she doesn't get the title (boo!). You see, what had happened was Maryse threw K Squared into the announce table (it miraculously didn't break) and Double K got counted out. For some reason, that got Maryse DQ'd.

Above: Two cases of history as a table does not break and a DQ finish makes no sense

Ric Flair decided to hang out with the memories a while longer and got his nose rubbed in that doody by Randy Orton.

"Stop it! When will you learn to leave the memories alone?! When?!"

There was supposedly a very good match on the show too. Kofi Kingston defeated William Regal and Matt Hardy in a triple threat match (so much more threat!) to become the #1 contender for the United States Championship. I think that put him at 26th in the official WWE rankings. Anyway, Regal was slow, Matt had a cast, Kofi jumped a lot. You get the gist.

It's the dance senstaion that's sweepin' the nation

Winning the US title is kind of like this

Ah, time now for some genius booking from the #1 brand. In case you didn't know, there's been this Santina Marella character running around lately. She's not much of a looker, but she can sure wrestle with the Divas well. She won the Miss Wrestlemania battle royal, despite never being shown on television before then. Still, she lost her crown last week to Raw GM Vickie Guerrero, and she wants it back. Santina is also the twin sister of two time Intercontinental champion, Santino Marella. So the logical next step is to put Santino (and a lady partner) in a mixed tag against Vickie's nephew Chavo and Santino's ex girlfriend.

And of course, there's a stipulation attached. Winner of the match gets to choose the stipulation for the Santina/Vickie rematch at the next PPV. Because evil heels in positions of authority always give their opponents opportunities to make their lives easier.

Anyway, Santino copped a few feels on Mickie James and won the match. He decided to choose for his sister the stipulation (because that also makes sense).


It'll be a Hog Pen match, last seen when HHH fought Henry Godwin.


One of the few things I miss from Smackdown that's now on Raw is The Brian Kendrick. Seriously. I love the guys work, love his gimmick, think he's great on the mic. It makes me sad to see him on Raw where he's completely lost in the shuffle. So it seems the logical step is for him to find a tag partner and challenge for the Unified Tag Belts (which are barely more useful then the European championship). But first he needs to get past these challenges:

Talk about a rock and a hard place!

Luckily for TBK, he found a suitable partner! Functional retard Festus! And he appealed to the LA fans by wearing a Clippers jersey.

More history, as this is the first case of someone willingly wearing a Clippers jersey.

So yea, basically, this happened:

"Hey Dustin, that pin isn't gay enough"

Really? Really? Goldust wins? How come every time I watch Raw Goldust wins? He never wins! My life is the worst.

Anyway, onto the main event. A ten man tag where everyone wears uniforms and came out to a basketball type intro. Here are the bad guy Nuggets.

(l-r): Boring, fatso, underrated, overrated, the worst

And the good guy Lakers.

Aww, The Animal thinks he's people.

Now, I know there's an unfamiliar face in there. I'll get to that in a second. But before I do, seriously. If this were a basketball game, which team would you want? The one with the fast lean guys and the 7 footer in the middle, or the one with two guys too jacked to move, an injury prone dude, and a 48 year old fat guy (seriously, what's Lawler doing in this match anyway? Any explanation?)

Well, none of that matters, because Mr. Ken Kennedy came back from a long injury. This was his first match back. It was exciting. I mean, how did he get his own Lakers' jersey personalized so quickly without ruining the surprise? I guess it's all for naught, because he didn't last too long. He almost hurt Orton with a bad suplex, and then injured his wrist on an RKO. WWE wishes him the best in all his future endeavors.

...Kennedy....

But hey, let's celebrate good times! The Lakers won the match!

If not the actual game that night, but they ended up winning the series, so I guess it all worked out for Vince in the end. Or did it???

There, that wasn't so bad. I mean, sure there's a PPV this Sunday, but they don't need to promote that! Much better to stroke Vince's ego! Tonight will be different, I'm sure. 9/8c, USA Network!