OH BABY, I like it Raw! The one with Bret Hart

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Clearly the most important thing that happened on Raw last week was Bret Hart coming back to guest host the show. So I'm going to cover those segments in depth here, and the rest of the stuff will skim over. Really, it didn't matter all that much anyway.

Bret opens the show, looking more like Owen these days, and immediately gets down to calling out Shawn Michaels. It seems Shawn had a little something to do with this thing in Montreal in 1997.

The jean shorts are the only thing that look good about him.

For the most part, Bret kept himself together and managed to keep his stroke at bay.

Shawn came out, and rather than being apologetic about the whole thing, told Bret that he pretty much had it coming. That's how you start putting the past behind you, Shawn.

"You screwed me." "Eh, you deserved it. We cool?"

However, they were able to make some ground. Shawn told Bret he respected him and always looked back fondly on their matches. They finally shook hands, and after a moment, hugged...like two robots that haven't been oiled in a very long time.

"This wasn't in the script."

Bret then called out Vince McMahon, but he didn't come out because, come on, we gotta have something to do later in the show, right?

Mayse beat up Brie Bella, but who didn't see that coming? Brie has spent the last several months attached to the hip of every guest host that's come through. The only reason she didn't escort Bret around is because he's the only one that more than likely would have sex with her. MVP won a Fatal Four-Way against Mark Henry, Carlito and Jack Swagger to become the number one contender for the U.S. title. Ballin'.

DX beat Jeri-Tall, which now means Jericho is somehow banned from Raw. Didn't this happen before? I fail to see how this changes anything, but I guess we all know the first banning is just a suggestion anyway. As a side note, Jericho tried to enlist the help of Bret Hart, whom he wanted to serve as guest referee. Then Bret could screw over Shawn and the whole thing could have a nice conclusion. Bret declined, saying he only participates in storylines where he's the martyr.

Evan Bourne faced the WWE Champion Sheamus. Bourne was promised a title shot at the Royal Rumble if he could beat Sheamus that night. Any guesses on how this one turned out? Put your bets in now...

3...

2...

1...

Bourne lost. Sorry to the none of you that lost that bet.

Finally, we get Randy Orton versus Kofi Kingston, but this is the normal Orton/Kingston match you've become accustomed to over the past however long this feud has been going on. No, henchmodels Ted DiBiase, Jr. and Cody Rhodes set up this little match to test Orton. If Randy loses, he's kicked out of the Legacy and they're going to kick his ass. This is retribution for last week (two weeks ago!) when Randy did the same thing to them.

Randy won, and I'm sure that those two brainiacs will figure out that you can't really threaten the boss and expect to get away with it. Even though that's what people do in the WWE every stinking day.

To end the show, Vince McMahon comes to the ring and calls down Bret Hart. What's going to happen??!

Well, Vince says he's still mad about getting spit on over 12 years ago, but he also says that he was proud of Bret and that Bret was one of the best ever. Having felled the Hitman enough to get him to shake hands, the two exchanged a professional pump of the hands and then celebrated together.

Please hold for the eventual swerve...

THERE IT IS!

That's right. Vince kicked Bret! Vince kicked Bret! And this time, McMahon can't spin it as "Bret kicked Bret" because we have photographic proof! Tune in for "Iron" Mike Tyson, 20 years past his prime, hosting Raw tonight! USA, 9/8c!

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Swingin' the big Timba

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



There's a lot of talk about what's going down in the wrestling world tonight, but before we can get there, we have to take a trip down memory lane. So hop in the WABAC machine, and let's set the dial to one week ago...

TOO FAR! WE'VE GONE TOO FAR!!!

We start the night with Cena demanding that he get a rematch with Sheamus for the WWE Title. Sheamus, knowing that a mid-carder can only hold the championship so long, was smart and declined the challenge. However, Cena remembered that this is the WWE, and if you can't get your point across with words, it most certainly can be communicated with violence.


So we're set for a rematch later in the evening.

Randy Orton decided that the other members of Legacy are going to have to do something other than look good if they are going to continue to be his backup (the Laugh Twins, however, don't have such harsh standards, so Teddy, if you're looking for future endeavors, we'll entertain your application. Not you though, Cody. We're fairly certain your mom was drinking while you were in the womb).

So Ted DiBiase, Jr. is going to have to prove his worth by facing Evan Bourne while Randy watches ringside. This worked out for Teddy by not just giving him the opportunity to show off his skills, but also to promote The Marine 2: Marinier, which is out on DVD now.


Ted won the match, so he gets to keep kissing Orton's ass.

Next up was Cody Rhodes. Now, I'm not a betting man, but if I had to guess as to which member of Legacy that Randy Orton was hoping to be rid of, I'd say it's Cody. Not judging from his past performance, of course, but rather his chosen opponent. You see, Ted had to face this joker...


...while Cody had to face this one...

It's like Santa Claus ate Santa Claus. Oh, and turned black.

Somehow, Cody was able to win, proving once again that Mark Henry is nothing more than a plot device.

Maryse was looking to exact some revenge after Kelly*2 pinned her last week and won the Santa's Little Helper match. We can see how a loss in that match would be a thorn in anyone's side. So we're stuck at a fork in the road in this match, seeing as how we typically cheer for whichever Diva is the hottest in any particular match. I guess we'll have to go for the tiebreaker and cheer for the one with the most cleavage.

Or maybe the one that pins like this.

Maryse picked up the win and then beat the crap out of K-Twice, proving that aggravated assault is ok if it's between two smoking hot women.

Mr. McMahon came out to announce that he wasn't going to accept Bret Hart's request to guest host an episode of Raw. Something tells me that Bret didn't so much request to guest host, but rather the WWE waved a huge wad of cash in his face, and Bret requested to have it. However it went down, Vince was not going to have that happen.

But then Shawn Michaels came out to request a rematch with the Undertake at Wrestlemania 26.


McMahon said that wasn't up to him, seeing as how he doesn't have any control over the Undertaker. Well, that's not a very good thing to admit. Why even have him on the payroll, or is he forcing you to do that as well? What a liability to a company to have an employee that can't be controlled whatsoever. I think I need to let E*Trade know there's a change of plans.

Shawn then decided that it would be a good idea for Bret to host Raw, and McMahon changed his mind as they exchanged a little glance. Are there ulterior motives at play? We'll let you be the judge.

Hint: there are

Kofi has finally decided to fight someone other than Randy Orton, and that person is the Miz. Excuse us while we express our excitement.


Of course, we aren't content to see just one bout, because if Kofi wins the first non-title match, he'll be granted an immediate second match for the United States Championship. This a gift from our guest host Timbaland.

Thanks for hosting Raw, Timbaland. Please enjoy your complimentary prostitutes.

In order to keep the drama going, Kofi wins the first one, and is set to win the second, when none other than that dastardly Orton came out to attack Kingston, causing him to win by DQ but not capture the title. Of all the low-down, dirty deeds...why Randy, I think you've gone too far!

"You don't even know how far I can go."

Chavo Guerrero continued filling the place of Chris Jericho in Jeri-Tall, which is as bad as Chavo filling in for anyone. Of course, because of him, they lost to DX.


Jericho was there, however. He'd gotten a front-row ticket, since he's no longer allowed on Raw. This after he stood outside the arena, asking fans to sign a petition so he could be reinstated to Monday Nights. This man hates Smackdown so much that he's willing to seek the support of the sycophantic hypocrites. That's telling.

DX said they'd face Jeri-Tall for the titles, as long as if Big and Rich loses, Jericho will stop trying to get back on Raw.

Now show yourself the door!

Finally, it's that big Cena and Sheamus rematch you've been waiting for, and guess what - it ended in a DQ. That's right, Sheamus grabbed the ref and that was all she wrote for that match. Naturally, Cena was upset and wanted to prove he could beat up the Celtic Pride anyway, so he dragged him back in the ring.

In an stunningly vivid proof of the old Irish saying "Don't start nuttin' if you don't want nuttin'," Sheamus leveled Cena with a boot to the head. Twice.

WWE.com intern Understatement of 2010

So there you have it. The stage is set for the return of the Hitman to Monday Night Raw this evening. And you didn't hear it from me, but apparently another sHOboating GArgantuaN is making an appearance on a different promotion that may or may not remind you of female body parts. Raw starts at 9/8c on USA.

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Other than the Slammys

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Last week was the WWE's annual/semi-annual/not-regular-whatsoever award show The Slammys, but I'm not going to cover that here. Nope! This is a blog about wrestling on Raw, and that's all we're doing tonight. So sit back and enjoy some rasslin', bitches!

Jeri-Tall were none to happy about losing their Tag Team Titles and demanded a rematch against DX. I can understand. It's not like those two have anything else to look forward to in this business.

Clearly photoshopped.

So that match is coming later tonight.

Also, we're going to have the nominees for Superstar of the Year - Randy Orton, John Cena, CM Punk, and the Undertaker - battle to see which one will take home the award. Is this really how these things are supposed to work?


For our first meaningful match of the night, we have the two lesser members (tee hee) of Legacy going up against the Salt n' Marijuana Express, Evan Bourne and Kofi Kingston. This was actually supposed to be a singles match between Rhodes and Kofi, but of course there was interference, and of course that allowed guest host Dennis Miller to make a big show and restart it as a tag team match.


Legacy would take the match, pinning the weak link of the duo, Evan Bourne.

In our first Superstar of the Year match, John Cena would be facing CM Punk. Two things you need to know about this match. Cena put on his submission move...

Shut The Fudge Up!

...and CM Punk cried.


Presumably because he's on Smackdown, but also because he lost the match.

Next was the other Superstar of the Year match, Orton versus the Undertaker. This match went as many of the Deadman's matches go - OLD SCHOOL.

"Please stop holding my hand, mythical man of the underworld."

Of course, once you die, it's a known fact that your match skills immediately start to deteriorate, which is why Orton was able to lure the Undertaker out of the ring with his Legacy henchmodels and win via count-out. So, as you should have imagined, a Raw superstar will be the Superstar of the Year.


Jeri-Tall didn't count on DX being the lying, cheating snakes they are, because Triple H immediately shoved the ref during their match for the Tag Team Championship, losing by DQ but retaining the belts. After the match, Jericho was escorted out of the arena, because we all know that it's completely unacceptable for a Smackdown superstar to be on Raw.

Something tells me this was planned.

There was a 7-on-7 divas match, and of course, the WWE.com interns were there to belittle the seven most beautiful women they're likely to ever see.

WWE.com workers know how to coordinate, if nothing else.

Finally, it's John Cena going against Randy Orton to see who is the Superstar of the Year. Yes, this one match is going to determine the value of an entire year's worth of work. WWE prides themselves in their credibility.

Randy attempted an RKO, but Cena was able to reverse that into an Attitude Adjustment, using a maneuver only crafted in a child's wildest dreams.


Cena won, so he's your Superstar of the Year. Congrats, Mr. Cena! We always knew it would be you!

Johnny Damon hosts tonight, finally going to answer that age-old question "Who would win in a hot dog eating contest: a baseball player or professional wrestler?" Tune in 9/8c on USA!

W.W.W. featuring a defunct wrestling promotion and Shane O'Mac

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your break-down of Linda McMahon's chances at being elected ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Matt Sydal vs. Matt Classic



Matt's response...

At first, I thought, "Hey, both these guys are named Matt! This video has to be great!" Then I realized that it was actually Scotty Goldman and Evan Bourne, and that "has to be" changed to "can in no way." This all has to do with Adam's weird fascination with Goldman. Sure, we follow him on Twitter. You know why? Adam added him. I've added Dixie Carter and Layla. I think we know where our heads are at.

I don't know why, but he never really gelled with me. Sure, I get his bit, and it's fine. He's sort of that wrestler that some of the marks like because he throws out inside jokes and references wrestling's glory days (like this Matt Classic character, which, if the dates are to be believed, is a 60-something-year-old wrestler in a mask. Like that would ever happen!)

Er...um...

But nothing against the guy. He's just not my thing. I don't hate him; I don't like him. So there you go. Same thing for Evan Bourne (real name Matthew Korklan, so points for that). He has just not given me anything to be excited about, and strikes me as a more-agile Lance Storm.

In any case, I don't have much to say about the match itself. It was good for what it was. Sydal did his thing well, and Classic stuck to his gimmick, which made for some appropriately cheesy moments. Sydal's girlfriend, Lizzy Valentine, looked like she made a quick stop by Ross on the way to the show, finding her costume on the "50% off" rack. What I would like to highlight is the promotion in which they are competing - Wrestling Society X.

This was apparently some show put together for the MTV family of networks that I've never heard of. It's ok; I'm a mainstreamer, and I don't pretend to be otherwise. That being said, I think I would have liked this little show. It ran for nine episodes in 2007, with the tenth never airing, despite it having what is both descriptively and intriguingly named the "Exploding Cage Match." The fact that was never broadcast is a tragedy.

It featured what can best be described as a cast of miscreants, and had it's own special venue with its own special rules. Allow me also to provide this nugget about its production, taking from the finest research tools at my disposal:

The program also stood out due to its unorthodox approach to pro wrestling; this included frequent use of highly expressive plants, crowd sound effects, electrical sound effects, visual effects, and camera shaking when a wrestler would fall prey to electrical weapons.

Had I known Sam Raimi would be directing the show, I would have definitely tuned in!

Also, being on MTV, they decided to make it tangentially related to music, so acts would come in and perform before each episode, include Oscar-winning group Three 6 Mafia. Of course, Good Charlotte also played, so you can kind of see why it got canceled.

I don't have much patience for the wrestlers whose gimmick is "being weird just to be weird," which is why I have a problem with some of the performers in TNA these days, but something tells me that in this venue, it would have worked. A more cartoonish and campy product would be nice in limited doses, and I'm a little sad I missed out on this promotion.

I'm not sad that I missed out on more Scotty Goldman, but I'm sure Adam will see to it that I don't go for too long without him.

Matt's video to Adam- Shane McMahon Judges Aspiring WWE Superstars on O&A



Adam's response...

Look at how the tables have turned. Sure, Matt may crap on the repetitive nature of the videos I've sent him, but now who's the Opie and Anthony mark, Matty??!?!?!

Nope...no marks here!

This video isn't so much about Shane McMahon as much as it's about a bunch of fat WWE marks.

Nope, no fats here!

Still, it's nice to see Shane O'Mac loving WWE, because in six short weeks that's all going to be gone. It's a shame he had to waste that love on a few misfit toys.

Take for example, The Executive Order. He had an interesting gimmick and was pretty funny when he brought out his chart, but he just didn't believe it. He sort of mumbled it. Perhaps rehearsing in front of the mirror would have won him that trip to Indianapolis. Still, he'll have to drown his sorrow in more cheese steaks, since that belly a'int getting on the other side of that belt anytime soon.

Mouthwash Jones (who is not me) thought he'd be cute and make fun of ERock.



For those not in the know, ERock is the show's producer. He's fat so he gets made fun of a lot. He also loves "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul, but loves wrestling even more. I say good for him that he spit mouthwash in that douche's face. I bet "ERockFan" who posted this video is even happier.

Next was "Stryker", which is a stupid name because replacing "I" with "Y" was out of style back in 1985. Also, WWE already has a "Matt Striker", so I fail to see what makes him different. Even his logo is ripped off from The Flash.



Anyway, once again allow me to explain. The Jill Nicolini he refers to is the traffic girl for WPIX in New York. She's a looker. At the time she was co-host Anthony's girlfriend (which is astounding because he is hideous), so name dropping her was a cute way to get brownie points. Except he did it wrong.

That's really not fair.

Anyway, their break up is rather hilarious. Listen to the clips if you can.

Next up was some dude who put in way too much effort. Thank God ERock locked in the Kata Hajime (Tazmission, newb).

Finally, we have our winner. Type A. Which is ironic, in my opinion. Sure, he may have a similar blood pressure as a Type A individual, but that's about where the similarities stop. Wouldn't you think a Type A man would be, I dunno, a little more motivated?



Still, he won because he actually bothered to rehearse. And he "ended strong" according to Shane. If by strong you mean screaming "boo-ya!"

More like "Bukakke-ya!", dork.

I probably should have entered this contest. I would have won easily and realized I hate live wrestling much sooner in my life.

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Don't worry...I'm UK

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



So Raw emanated from Sheffield, England last week, and our guest host was this boxer named Ricky Hatton, who's about the only athlete from the United Kingdom who's worth a damn. Believe me, that's not saying much.

Now, before you start to wonder, "What does Hatton have to do with the WWE?", I'll tell you. You see, one of Hatton's recent losses (I know, right? Which one?) came to some Filipino dude named Manny. On that night, Manny was escorted to the ring by a certain lonely gentleman the WWE Universe likes to call THE ANIMAL!!!!


So Hatton has some face to save, albeit somewhat tangentially. As is custom, the Unified Tag Champs want to come out and start some stuff with the guest host.

Even the WWE.com interns know it.

But ol' Ricky's not having any of that. He makes a match between Jeri-Tall and DX!! Already this week is turning out to be the same as last week!

We all know how original the English are. Just look at their signs!

For his second act of the night, Hatton steps things up and makes Alicia Fox go one-on-one with K-squared, meaning only one thing to me. PHOTO TIME!

That's what's been missing...

Of course, as you would expect when these two lock-up, things get pretty hot and heavy in the ring.


Alicia won.

Sheamus beat "a local competitor." When do they hold these try-outs to face a real WWE wrestler? I never see them posted anywhere when Raw comes to town. Maybe I'll try Craigs List...

Found it! They post some odd pictures though...

Evan Bourne finally beat someone. Of course, it was Jack Swagger, so we might want to save the bragging for another week.


Tension continued between the Legacy and Kofi's Kool Kompetitors, as they had words for each other during the VIP Lounge. And I'm glad Randy and his guard models came out too. It's not fair for Kofi, Mark Henry and MVP to come out on MVP's interview program and spout only their own views for a segment. There is such a thing called "equal time," and these three shouldn't be allowed hijack the airwaves simply because they have a friendly outlet. Good for Randy standing up for the voiceless!


Naturally, this meant someone had to fight someone, and those someone's were Randy Orton and Mark Henry. Randy would finally settle the pressing issue of who has the larger hog, and got the win over the World's Strongest Man. Seems like strength can't stand up to a viper bite!

After the match, Kofi and Randy got into a scuffle, and Orton had to retreat. He wasn't happy about it, though.

Also, this is your not-quite-weekly Cody Rhodes photoshop contest.

Chavo Guerrero decided that since there was a boxer on the show, they should try to answer that question that's been answered several times before, "Who would win between a boxer and a professional wrestler?" Allow me to provide you a little something from the WWE.com recap of this fight...

...Hatton bided his time, avoiding Chavo's clutch and waiting for just the right moment. That moment arrived several minutes into the bout...

That's right. This lasted more than a minute. Hatton won.

Finally, it's that historic match-up of Jeri-Tall and DX. Will strength and athleticism defeat pyros and crotch jokes?

Big Show is not impressed.

Show, of course, would be big and dumb again and accidentally punch Jericho, giving DX the ability to pin. I guess that pretty much wraps up the ni-

Thanks for the sexually suggestive pose, WWE camera guy.

Wait! That's the Undertaker!!! But he's on Smackdown!!! Apparently 'Taker is here early to let us know that next week's (this week's!) guest host, Rowdy Roddy Piper, got busy early and put him in a match for next week (this week)! A Triple Threat Tag Team match with DX, Jeri-Tall and...Cena and the Undertaker? Well, let's just see how this turns out! USA at 9/8c!