R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Family Connundrum

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

O Canada, our home and native land....


Sorry, Stars and Stripes. I'm a little too excited for tonight's Smackdown, as it's taking place in beautiful Edmonton, Alberta! Where this guy was born!


Still, before all the excitement cant begin, we gotta know what happened last week. To start, a brand new Smackdown superstar made his debut! He goes by the moniker of Slammaster J, which is a take off of Grand Master B from Married with Children.


He took on Smackdown's resident Seal of Awesomness, Charlie Haas!


Since one guy has been getting TV time lately and one hasn't it's not too easy to see who won this match.

Hat forward- Bud Bundy. Hat backwards- Grandmaster B

JTG of Cryme Tyme decided to fight mano-o-mano with one half of the unified tag champs: former Grand Slam champion Chris Jericho! Clearly a man who has never won a title before would have no chance against a wrestler who is just now, doing his best work ever, despite having the most impressive of resumes.

I think this is why the Civil War was fought

See? History has a way of repeating itself all the time. Sure, Cryme Tyme's uncle may be in the White House, but that doesn't mean a wealthy Canadian can't ride a black man without repercussions.

Above: repercussions

Whoops.

Someone named Ricky Ortiz lost to the Great Khali.

LOL, Wresslin'wishes you all the best in your future endeavors.

Dolph Ziggler beat a bunch of people to win the right to cheat to beat Rey Mysterio for the IC title at Summerslam. But the story isn't so much the match, but the people he beat.


I'm going to focus on the gentleman to the right, Mike Knox (OMG!!!). Apparently being dumped by Kelly Kelly for The Miz of all people can take a tole on a man's psyche. Never much of a looker, Mr Knox (OMG!!!) seems to have fallen into a pit of hot pockets and loneliness. And there doesn't seem to be any Mach 3's there either.

I really need to see the suit he wears at the next Hall of Fame ceremony

Finally, there was a world title match tonight. Actually...there were two! The first one ended when Jeff Hardy got himself DQ'd. GM Teddy Long decided to holler at that bad decision, and issue a rematch for this very night (last week!)! But there is a stipulation. There will be a super secret, special guest enforcer to make sure nothing like that Jeff Hardy DQ ever happens again. Someone tough and unbiased. Or Matt Hardy.

Which Hardy has worse paint on right now?

Punk, powered by his sense of self worth (much like Ed Begley Jr) went all out to make sure he won his first ever, legit title match. He was strong on offense,

So much tension!

And even better on defense!

Knees up? That's new...

They say coming down from that high really kills

This was going to be it! Punk was going to win! The ref is counting to three when...special enforcer Matt Hardy pulls the ref out of the ring!!?!? WHY!? You mean to tell me that Matt Hardy took advantage of Teddy Long's trust? What a bad egg! Oh well Punk, hold your head up high. Your strong valor will win the day again.

Goddammit CM....

Great man. Great. You'll never get your rematch no-. Oh, Teddy Long is now hollerin' about a TLC match at Summerslam? But that's Jeff's expertise. You have no experience in high profile ladder matches.


Oh well. Smackdown's in Canada tonight, so I have no idea when or where it airs. Still, it'll be on hulu.ca eventually.

Around the wrestleWEBZ

Hey Gang,

Every now and then there are a myriad of topics that we just HAVE to write about. Sometimes there's just too much and we have no choice but to just bring it all to you in one wonderful post! You lucky devils...

Reid Flair arrested for possession of heroin.

Don't the kids of professional wrestlers all grow up to be well-adjusted, productive members of society? Clearly the decades of having their male role model be on the road 200+ days a year in no way impaired their abilities to differentiate from right and wrong, especially when their fathers' exploits are celebrated in shoot interviews and tell-all autobiographies!

That seems perfectly normal...

Umm...uhh

Ok, maybe we were wrong about a few cases...

Believe it or not though, there are rare exceptions. Reid Flair, son of the legendary Nature Boy Ric Flair, was recently pulled over for erratically driving. Police then found heroin in the vehicle. Now, true, Reid has had a run in with Johnny Law before, but we still think the jury is out on this one. He's the son of the Nature Boy. He doesn't drive a car! He rolls in long limousines and jet airplanes!

Just like that.

Still, even if (and we stress if), that was his H, we don't think it was his fault. Something about being a wrestler from North Carolina means you LOVE pain relief. Right?



Bret Hart tells young people to get off his lawn

On a tour of the UK to promote his book, Bret was asked the obligatory Shawn Michaels/Montreal/waah waah questions. Here's an excerpt:

"Shawn was a key orchestrator in the events surrounding Survivor Series 1997 and in Bret's eye, Shawn has never apologized. Bret says 'For me I don't really have much issue with it anymore. If you asked me that up until probably about a year ago I'd have probably said something different. But I've cooled off a bit now. I don't want to carry it around anymore. If he wanted to apologise I would accept it. I'd move on but I wouldn't forget it.'"

On the topic of inducting Shawn into the Hall of Fame:

"Maybe if he wants to make himself feel better about it he should have the guts to pick up the phone and apologise. Then we'll see after that."

Oh really, Bret? You mean, apologize like this:

Start at 2:50

On live, national (ok, Canadian), television? That's not good enough for you?

Blog War '09

In other delusions of grandeur from England news, Blog War '09 is being fought valiantly. Our spies in the CIA have uncovered Ray's (if that is her real name) daily planner. Here's a scan we were able to declassify.


Ah-ha! We knew it! The ponies sealed it! Nice try Ray, but we keep our LOL's locked up in a brain vault that's tougher then Fort Knox!

Or even Mike Knox (OMG!!!)

Also, try and have a coherent response this time, dear. We know England is Bizarro World, but posting videos of super face Stone Cold Steve Austin stunning annoying heel Stephanie McMahon does not exactly get across the point that you're trying to make.

OH BABY, I like it RAW! the No Way Out edition

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Happy President's Day! I'm cleaning up the last few crumbs of my Warren G. Harding cake. Next year is Calvin Coolidge!

YUM YUM!

So last night was No Way Out, which featured not one, not two, but three Elimination Chamber matches!!

Oh wait, no; it was just two. And one of them was a Smackdown match, which barely counts. Oh well! It was still a good time!

There's seems to be no way out of there. Hey, wait a minute...

Besides taking the name of the PPV way too literally, what else does this show have to offer? Shane and Randy in a No Holds Barred match? Alright, I can get behind that. Shawn versus JBL for his freedom? Well, there's nothing more American than that! An Elimination Chamber with Mike Knox (OMG!)?! Now we're getting somewhere. And still only one Smackdown match! I wish there was NO WAY OUT of last night, because I didn't want it to end.


Smackdown was up first with their Chamber match. Figures all those schlubs would be jerking the curtain.

Just don't screw it up, rookie.

No face paint? Just who is that unmasked man??

Let's get on to the first real match of the night - Shane O'McMahon facing Randy "legend Killer" Orton.


Shane continued his streak of matches that involve the likely future chairman of WWE jumping from any and all surfaces in the arena, and generally making all the real wrestlers look like a bunch of lazy, dopes too concerned about their health to do anything entertaining. Not long into the match, Shane had hit Randy with a TV monitor and cut him open.

Still no blood on the internet.

Thank goodness Cody and Teddy Jr. are there to help! Oh wait, Shane cause Priceless to get accidentally hit with a chair? And then put a trash can on Cody's head and went coast to coast on him?

Pretty much exactly like this.

So after beating the crap out of Orton for about twenty minutes, what happens? Well, Randy springs up and hit the RKO and pins Shane clean. That makes sense right?


Oh, ECW had a match too? I'll leave that for Adam. He needs more to write about.

Who who, who who?

After that, it's time for the alphabet soup match, HBK vs. JBL. If Shawn wins, he gets all the money he's owed and never has to work for JBL again. If he loses, JBL owns him for life.

Er, not quite like that...

No, look, you're not getting it...

Alright, this is just ridiculous.

Shawn is doing like usual and getting beat up, until his wife, who is sitting ringside, decides to throw a haymaker and turn the tide of things.


However, in not keeping with tradition, HBK actually "tuned up the band" and hit JBL square with some Sweet Chin Music. He made the pin for the 1, 2, 3, so I guess that means he's free and clear. I'm sure everything will turn out great!


Finally, it's the main event, Raw's Elimination Chamber. Everything in the WWE has been building to this singular moment. Out comes Mr. Cena, the greatest champion in the land. Then it's Mike Knox (OMG!), Cena's only legit competition in this match. Then Kane, who by starting out in a pod is guaranteed at least five minutes of TV time. Good for you Kane!

The fourth man in a chamber is Kofi Kingston. Uh oh, Kofi! SOS!


That's right, that ne'er-do-well from Smackdown, Edge, attacked Kofi Kingston. Well, this can't happen. Edge climbed into Kofi's cell and the door is closed? HUH? Jericho and Rey come down, and the refs start the match with Edge inside the chamber. This is really how this thing works??

Let's just run these down in order of elmination...

Noooooo!!! The beard is supposed to give you limitless power!

So now it's down to Rey and Edge. Well, I know how this will turn out. Rey is sure to win and keep the title on Raw. I mean, there's just no way they'd leave Raw without a-

WHHHHATTT???!

Ok, so Edge somehow tricked everyone into thinking he should be in this match, regardless of the fact that everyone saw him in the Smackdown earlier that night.

What's that?

Oh, everyone took a bathroom break during that match? Oh ok. Well, maybe he really did fool them. However it happened, Raw doesn't have a champion tonight. Find out what happens on USA, 9/8c!!

OH BABY, I like it RAW! vol. 13

SEASON'S BEATINGS!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Last week, we got to see four heavyweights of the wrestling business square off for a shot at the title at the upcoming Royal Rumble. Let's take a look at the action!

We start the show with Rey Mysterio whining about one thing or another. Kids these days...


Actually, Rey is a little peeved that Michaels caused him to lose last week via disqualification. Rey makes a reasonable request that Shawn face him one-on-one tonight, and the winner of that match advances to the Fatal Four-way later that night. Shawn comes down and says that sounds pretty nice to him, so Rey and HBK are gonna tangle!

Oh, nevermind. JBL says that Shawn can't do that because he's Bradshaw's employee and Bradshaw tells him what to do. So, no match because JBL didn't want it to happen. Typically, I don't nitpick, but seriously, who in all Hell is in charge here? I understand that it's probably in Bradshaw's best interests to have HBK in the match later, seeing as he's clearly under his thumb...

Note the beaten puppy look

But aren't they both employees of the WWE? Wouldn't it be in the company's best interest to have this settled in a logical manner?

I suppose that would be breaking precedent.

Also, Mike Knox (!!!!!!!!) beat up Mysterio after all this, presumably because there's no one shorter to pick on.


Cody Rhodes and C.M. Punk have a match. William Regal comes to watch, since he's facing Punk for the IC Title next week (tonight). Regal ends up costing Punk the match...by distracting him and causing Punk to be counted out. Solid plan, Regal. Don't hurt the guy, just bruise his ego by making him lose a match that has no bearing on his career whatsoever. That's mental warfare, and perhaps they should call you the Cerebral Assassin.

Mr. Cena apparently doesn't want to do commentary on the Number 1 Contender's match later. Not sure why, but I guess he'd rather put a hurtin' on someone. And Goldust read "The Night Before Christmas," since it was four days ago. Very timely.

"...and Happy Thanksgiving as well!"

We're told Batista is out because he had surgery to replace two teeth knocked out by Orton's kick to the head (didn't see them fall out...strange). Oh, he also had an "elective" hamstring operation, since dentists also dabble in orthopedic surgery. Hmmm, I wonder which is the REAL reason he's out for several months.

You're right - there's no way you can wrestle with missing teeth.

There was a six-Diva Battle Royal. Melina won. Do you really care?

I didn't mean you, sweetie.

They took time to tell us that WWE.com has more page views than any of the broadcast network pages. And here all this time I thought every 13-year-old who spends their entire evenings on the internet have ABC.com set as their homepage. Silly me!

Above: reading CNN news

Sim Snuka had to fight his dad. OH WAIT! THAT'S NOT JIMMY SNUKA! That's "SuperHaas" Charlie Snuka!


He lost. It's ok, Charlie. You can still display that Seal of Awesomeness with pride.

Our champ got his wish and was in action tonight in a 10-man tag match, which pitted him and four other guys against every other heel on the roster that wasn't busy.


Mr. Cena and Kofi Kingston ended up finishing off the last two opponents in the ring by each doing their finishing moves on them. Nice work, fellas. I think they have a future as the Oreo Express, perhaps.

Kelly Kelly is backstage, telling Randy Orton she thinks the night they spent together was special. I bet it was, Double K. I bet it was. Allow me to show you some other things that are "special":


Randy says he just used her and didn't need the distraction. It's alright, honey. Come to papa.

Now to the final match. Seems I misspoke earlier (or mis-typed) - this is not a fatal four-way, but rather an elimination match, which is much longer and more epic. Jericho was the first to go, and it was evident early on that HBK was helping out JBL.

Next went Orton, leaving the two business associates in the ring, exemplifying a classic struggle that has existed since the dawn of man.



Yep, JBL forced Shawn to stand there and take a Clothesline FROM HELL and give him the match.

Is this how it's all going to play out?? Find out more tonight, 9/8c on USA!