R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Breaking Point

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

There was a PPV last week! A gimmick PPV! And it took place in Montreal, which has the gimmick of being a heel in a heel country! ZANINESS!!!

The first gimmick match of the night involved The Great Khali and cane KANE! in a Singapore KANE! cane match.

Above: KANE!s canes

Anyway, I took a piss and really had no interest in this clusterF of wrestling, but I can pretty much sum up the entire match with this metaphor:

CaneKANE! and his KANE! cane are cane KANE! and the KANE! cane and The Great Khali is my eyes.

So yea, a choke slam happened and cane KANE! picked up his second straight victory over the FORMER WORLD CHAMPION.


The first ever Intercontinental champion, Pat Patterson, came out to say hello to his hometown fans. A nice moment of gratitude from WWE, if I must say so.


For some reason this upset Dolph Ziggler. And coincidentally enough, he happens to be #1 contender for the Intercontinental title.

Speaking of fancy, nice Zubaz vest, Zigga.

So how do you get ahead on Earth-53? Well the easy answer is to assault someone. But if you really want to succeed? Really get ahead? ASSAULT the elderly!

"You might have it free, but try seeing a doctor in a prompt manner!"

Yes, a good old fashioned hate crime over an old man's lifestyle is a sure fire way to get at dem millions. Of course, he couldn't finish turning Pat Patterson into Mathew Sheppard, because John Morrison had to stick his nose in there. And hey! He has to defend the his title against Ziggler at an as of yet undetermined date!


Finally, there needs to be some reason this PPV was named "Breaking Point." Yes, it was a submissions PPV. First of it's kind. So let's throw in two tacticians who have long abandoned their submission finishers for "impact" moves into the World Title main event.


Also, in WWE's infinite wisdom, this match got started late and only got about nine minutes (well John Cena had to sleep through his "No"'s!). Basically, Undertaker slapped on his Hell's Gate chokehold and won the world title.

I think Punk is choking on something else in that hold...

BUT THERE'S A TWIST!

Yes, logic actually entered the picture for once. Smackdown GM Teddy Long came out and had to inform the Undertaker that his Hell's Gate finisher was in fact illegal, as deemed by Vickie Guerrero a year ago during her time as Smackdown GM. WOW! Things were actually remembered!


Now, normally this should have been an instant DQ, since Taker's move is illegal. However, Teddy Long may be tough, but he's also fair. The match would just have to restart. To which CM Punk wasted no time slapping on his Anaconda Vice TO WHICH THE UNDERTAKER IMMEDIATELY TAPPED OUT TO!

Seems legit. Pictures don't lie, folks.

Now sure, some people may make the case that Taker just placed his hand on the mat and didn't actually tap. That the ref just rang the bell quickly, thereby screwing the Undertaker and making him job to Punk. Really guys? A screw job finish? In Montreal of all places? That's been done before! When does wrestling ever repeat itself?

Plus, why would WWE want to not get over the gimmick of this inaugural PPV event by having a screwjob in the main event? Surely they wouldn't devalue their brand like that!


Come watch the fallout at tonight's Smackdown. World title resolutions are of the utmost importance. And maybe Jimmy Wang Yang will respond to getting beaten up by Punk? Oh, and one other thing is happening:

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Getting burned in the Miami heat

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

The great thing about this Sunday's PPV, Night of Champions, is that there is really little explaining to do. It's all title matches. So a handy recap of Kane and The Great Khali really isn't all that necessary, since neither are a champion, nor challenging a champion. Yes, they are essentially worthless right now.

So yes, tonight we are centering only in on the important stuff. Like our world champion, the straightedge CM Punk! He came out again to fulfill my wildest dream and shooting on Jeff Hardy.


Hardy's big response was "Nu-un! I never went to rehab!" Then he went back to the locker room for a quick bump. Punk then decided that the world champion should not only jerk the curtain, but come out for the match first, because lo an behold, recent LOL, Wresslin' favorite, John Morrison shows up for a one on one affair with the champ!

Morrison and Punk have had a consistent rivalry for a few years now. It first started at The Night of Champions from two years ago, after Chris Benoit no-showed the event due to the... unpleasantness. Well, this feud has been mostly one sided in favor of Morrison, despite Punk winning two world titles since it started. Still, the Shaman of Sexy seems to steal success from the Straightedge Superstar! Like a few weeks ago! Could lightning possibly strike for an 18th time?

If by lightning you mean foot to the back of the head

Yes, he who wears baby seals on his feet somehow managed to beat the champ with a roll up. Thankfully for Punk, it was non-title. Still, Morrison decides to show off a little sportsmanship, because it's so frickin easy to be a good sport when you win, ass.

Not pictured: CM Punk's trunks

Way to shrug it off, Punk! You've got weirder fish to fry.

Edge (remember him? He's been off TV for a week), was interviewed by Todd Grisham. It was all about Edge's recent ACL injury and how Edge may have to retire and this injury is all serious and stuff. All I heard was "Waaaa! Waaa! My penis! Waaaa!" I don't think I was delusional because Edge's former tag partner (and the man Edge let down), Chris Jericho came out and basically ran down Edge's injury. Edge didn't much care for that.

Edge: The Anti-Jeff Farmer

Jericho was done with Edge, but not for the night. He was teaming with Dolph Ziggler to take on Rey Mysterio and Jeff Hardy? Hmm, it seems as if someone is missing from this equation...oh right! CM Punk was doing guest commentating, totally just wanting a closer view of the man he's wrestled numerous times in the past (in both WWE and TNA), and has hours upon hours upon hours of footage of to reference. Totally not conspicuous at all.

All and all, pretty good match. The Big Zig took a break from being Maria's personal bar stool to do his best Macho Man impression.


Also, old flames Jericho and Rey decided to get it on and fall back into each other all over again.

Rey hasn't even made contact and Jericho is falling down! They know each other so well!

Side note: These just make me laugh.

Mysterio

Rhino

So the match ended in a DQ finish in favor of the heels. What's that you say? The faces for DQ'd? But they're good guys! They don't break rules. Well, for some reason Jeff Hardy decided to throw Jericho into CM Punk who was just sitting there, and then turn his back. Punk then threw Jericho into Hardy. Jericho hit the stairs, ref saw this, and called for the bell. Jericho then beat up Hardy and locked him into the Walls.

"I like to watch...(pant pant)"

Can anyone explain to me what Punk has done wrong here? I just see some dude minding his own business. Anyway, last show before a PPV that's 100 miles south of me and I have no intention of going to. Or buying. But you should get ready for it! 8/7c on MyNetwork TV! Or anytime on hulu!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Anarchy in Bakersfield

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

While Monday Night Raw has chaos week in and week out, Smackdown has been marked by it's consistancy. Wait! What am I talking about! Smackdown was in Bakersfield, California last week, and things erupted into total ANARCHY! That's right! Anarchy in Bakersfield!

We open this week with Smackdown's brightest young face taking on Smackdown's brightest young heel. John Morrison started the night by looking for the Big Zig, only to find Ziggler running out of the closet. The obvious joke was made, but then who should also emerge from the closest but Maria! And she was all glowing like! So we can add "sexual intercourse" on the list of things (such as alcohol consumption and unsanctioned violence against officials and other employees) that are perfectly fine to do while on the clock on Earth-53. But seriously, take that Morrison! Now who's laughing!?

Dude, that shot and that caption a'int helping your case...

Anyway, John Morrison did some crazy spots, totally making relieving any stress I may have over who Smackdown's top face will be after Jeff Hardy's third strike. Check this out!


Unfortunately, Dolph Ziggler didn't really help that "I'm not gay" thing by grabbing Morrison's tights to win the match (REMEMBER THIS! THIS IS IMPORTANT!) I don't quite see how grabbing another man's ass would give me extra leverage. It's fun, for sure. But when wrestling? Pass.

What of the top feud on Smackdown- Jeff Hardy and CM Punk for the World Heavyweight Title! Well Jeff is certainly taking it with the seriousness it deserves.

Dammit, Jeff...

Yes, Jeff thought it'd be fun to mock Punk's eye injury again. Because people wear eye patches when they haven't lost an eye...right. Thankfully he took one thing seriously and that would be his match with KANE! He even found time for a little fun!

I imagine it's more like 'The Little White Machine.' Better take a seat and study it."

Unfortunately, that would be it for the Homicidal Harlequin, as CM Punk decided to just play his music and stand on the stage. As we all know, this will shatter any man's concentration and gave KANE! the advantage.

Chokeslam city.

But what of the aforementioned CM Punk? He had a match against former world champion, The Great Khali! But before any of that could go down, Jeff Hardy decided that turn about was fair play, as he was going to distract CM Punk back! Unfortunately for him, he did it wrong and came out before the match. Whoops!

"You know what man? This is Sanford, North Carolina. This is LAW territory. Hey man, check it out! It's the LAW! And the LAW's where it's at! So Jeff Hardy is present. So I'm here to check it out. I'm here to rock everybody. And that's what LAW's all about. L-A-W. Jeff Hardy." "That was the f!*%ing s%#*$!"

Obviously, this was stupid on Jeff's part. As CM Punk came out for his match, grabbed a mic, and cut the "Jeff Hardy is a drug addict" promo that I've been waiting for forever.

Burn

But what of the match? Well, none of it really mattered. Since Vince has a hard on for big men, the limited Khali naturally dominates the awesome CM Punk. Thankfully, KANE! came out to continue his feud with the Great Khali, so the match was ruled a no contest.

KANE!

Yup, so the most over guy in the company, responsible for loads of merchandise sales and the top face on their broadcast television brand and current World Champion who is being groomed to carry this company for the next ten years are background players in the KANE!/Great Khali feud.


Finally, Chris Jericho and Rey Mysterio went at it for the Intercontinental title once again. Once again it was great. I'm not being snarky. It was great. But I'm glad the feud is over. It's like eating Oreos. The first three boxes are great, but by the time the fourth comes around, well, maybe you want a Triscuit.

Above: Laugh Twin Adam and some "fans"

Still, it did provide another awful caption from my favorite interns.

You can't dial up 619. It's an area code. Stop it.

You'd think that'd be it, but you're of course a common stupid person. Jericho's tag team partner, Edge, somehow healed his torn ACL enough to beat up Mysterio after the match, just so Jericho can get his revenge. But it didn't stop there! Nope! One more man ran in to beat up Rey as well! Dolph Ziggler.

Above: Earth-53 Overtime

Of course, this act of criminal violence has rewarded him with a title shot at Night of Champions. Because that's way these things work.

What other head scratchers will happen tonight? Better watch before Sunday! 8/7c on MyNetwork TV, or whenever on hulu.com!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Eye for an Eye

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

Well if Matt can do it, so can I! Lightning round (because today is a travel day for me)!

This week's recap begins with the Hart Dynasty. They're recent additions to the Smackdown roster, coming over from ECW in some trade Donald Trump created, for some reason. We really never mentioned it like we wanted to, because somebody let in Yoko. Anyway, they wrestled Cryme Tyme who haven't won a wrestling match since the Bush administration.

One Big Ass Mistake, America

As we've learned from countless 80's movies, legacy and fancy schools can only get you so far. Sure, the Hart Dynasty have pro wrestling in their blood. Who cares? Cryme Tyme are from the streets! What they lack in....everything they make up for in sass and raw physical talent.

This was literally about all the offense Cryme Tyme got in

Rey Mysterio is coming off a career revitalizing feud with Chris Jericho which also elevated the Intercontinental Title. So how does he get rewarded for all his hard work? With a one on one match against Kane.


So yea, months of competitive matches lead to another big man squashing the little guy. All of Rey's offense was blocked.

Ahh..Rey's comeback...

...Crap!

He even hit the 619! But all that did was somehow lead to a chokeslam by Kane and a clean pin. And then The Great Khali came out. So from second hottest feud in WWE to background player in Kane/Khali feud. Gross.

Double crap!

And in the main event, the unified tag team champions Edge and Chris Jericho took on bitter rivals CM Punk and Jeff Hardy (tension!)! And better not get used to seeing Edge and Jericho as champs, since Edge tore his ACL a few days later. He's kind of like Smackdown's Batista. Wins world titles, gets hurt a lot, and breaks up wrestler relationships by cheating on his friend's girl.

At least they wear the belts like champions...

...unlike some other losers.

CM Punk's been having a little twouble wit his eyzee wyzee, as he missed Jeff Hardy's tag attempt.

"It's like there's a straight edge in my eye!"

So what's the big drug addict do (Punk's words, not mine)? He fakes an eye injury allowing Edge to speak CM Punk! What a jerk! I guess he doesn't care about winning matches, now does he? I know I wouldn't want that dude representing me as champion.



Let's see what yarns Jeff Hardy spins tonight. 8/7c on MyNetwork TV (and hulu.com!)

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Bashed! at the Beach

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

What the hell? What the hell is this? Smackdown was DOMINATING this PPV? Seriously. Remember back in the early days of this feature, when every 3 weeks or so I'd just run a few Undertaker LOLs and that would be it for Smackdown PPV recap? Yea, no more. You see, Smackdown has consistently been the better brand in quality (if not ratings, unfortunately), so naturally the PPV shows will want to put the best show on, so as to entice future buys. Thus, Smackdown is all over The Bash.

Take for example, Smackdown's undercard. Dolph Ziggler has rapidly been rising the ranks on the blue show, and actually got his very first PPV match. No holds barred against The Great Khali. Yes, the giant has no charisma and can't work a lick, but the people love Slumdog Millionaire (since it makes us feel cultured to watch a foreign flick, even though it's in English, has a cast of people with Western features of beauty, and involves things like an M.I.A. soundtrack and Who Wants to be a Millionaire?. But I digress.) Anyway, the Big Zig (I will make this catch on) made sure to take the big man down by using a chair. Not to sit with, but to hit with! And if that wasn't enough, Dolph had a little help in the way of The Big Red Machine, KANE!

"I'm mad they're booking me with you!"

Delicious? You damn right it's delicious!

Kane's pissed at Khali because of...racism I guess? Alls I know is that we're getting a Wrestlemania 23 rematch in the near future!

On to the title matches. First up, Melina defending against long time challenger, the fetching Michelle McCool! I must give props to Michelle for wearing her cross between the canyon of space between her fake breasts she calls "cleavage." There's no way natural boobs hang like that.

Fashionable

Here's a closeup I got while stalking her home on night:

Don't ask me how I got this

Anyway, as far as WWE presentation of women's matches go, this was pretty good! Both girls can work and had some pretty interesting spots. Like Michelle taking Melina's strongest attribute, her flexibility and agility, and uniquely turning it against her!

I know she's bent in a painful move, but I can't help but think...

So yea, Michelle won and became the first woman in history to win both the Divas' belt and the Women's title. I guess that's a woman's equivalent of a "triple crown" or "grand slam" or whatever. We all know the only title worth having though is becoming Mrs. Adam Jones.

I swear I've seen this in some movie before..

Rey Mysterio and Chris Jericho had another classic for the IC title. This time Rey put his mask on the line, so if he loses he'll be so ashamed he'll commit sepuko or give his son's custody up in a ladder match or something similar. Just know that this is important for Rey.

Anyway, Jericho did succeed in getting Rey's mask off. However, what he DIDN'T consider is that Rey would have a second, identical mask on underneath. This clearly threw his entire gameplan off, because I mean, who can take off two masks? That's just impossible.

Devilishly Diabolic, Rey

Also, there was a unified tag title match. Now I know that the unified tag titles are less important then the Divas title, and although they can be defended on any brand, both the champion Colon brothers and Priceless are Raw dudes. Should have been covered on Monday, right? Well no? Vince McMahon told Smackdown GM Teddy Long to dance, and well, he danced. He threw Edge (who was complaining about not being on this PPV card) and Chris Jericho (who we just read about) into the match just because he could. Obviously, the other four men were less then thrilled.

This is pretty much how the match went.

Still, this is how hard Smackdown rules. Despite not being in the match hardly at all, and despite already wresting a match before, both Edge and Jericho won the tag titles! Smackdown rules!

This looks familiar....

...kinda like this!

Finally, the bastion of morals and discipline (heel) champ, CM Punk, defended his title against fan favorite screw up, Jeff Hardy! We are all lucky to watch this one, but not as lucky as Jeff Hardy was to be in this predicament:

Oh God, please turn around...

Clearly this excited Jeff so much that he just mounted (heheh) a fantastic set of offense. He did all his usual spots of twists of fate and Swantons (which are in the archives, go look it up elsewhere), but he didn't get the pin. Why? Because that bad CM Punk wouldn't just let Jeff pin him, so he decided that despite not having the strength to kick out, he'd just put his foot on the ropes, thus breaking the pin. Doesn't expel energy, breaks up the pin, seems smart to me. Except somehow that means he's weak. I know, doesn't make sense to me either. Regardless, the aforementioned Swanton gave Punk some vision problems, and he mistook the referee for Jeff Hardy!

Jeff can't believe it!

Well, we can't have wrestlers going all willy nilly on the refs, can we? Jeff wins! But not the title? Oh well, rules are rules.

Really can't. Seriously, what a dick.

Still, this dude seemed to be ok with everything.

I'd really love it if he was an executive at Carl's Jr.

Come see what awful excuses Jeff Hardy has this week. 8/7 c, MyNetwork TV (or anytime on hulu.com!)