LOL, Wresslin' salutes: Dixie Carter

SEASON'S BEATINGS!

It's a rare occasion that someone in the wrestling business impresses us. Mostly because we're hopelessly cynical, but also because the wrestling business is full of snakes, and not the awesome kind.

Definitely not this kind

But every now and then, someone does something that catches our attention and makes us think, "This guy's got some balls." Whether it be something downright ridiculous or an act of sheer bravado, they show that even though they're probably still a weasel, they can be pretty awesome at the same time.

TNA president Dixie Carter is one of those people.

well, aside from the whole "having balls" thing

Ms. Carter took a trip up to Capitol Hill recently as part of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform's investigation into steroid abuse in professional wrestling. Judging by the picture, and seeing as how she's from Tennessee, we'd like to think her interview went something like this:

Ms. Carter enters the room with a plate full of fried chicken, okra, and homemade cookies, which she passes around the investigating panel. Her lawyers follow her in with jugs of sweet tea. She curtsies and says, in a dainty Southern lilt, "Now, what could busy and important men such as yourselves have to ask lil' ol' me about the rasslin' business? Surely I can't be of much use, but I would ask y'all to help yourselves to seconds. Wouldn't want you to blow away, now would I?"

The House of Representatives, however, has seen fit to provide a full transcript, single-handedly destroying what would have made a great episode of The Beverly Hillbillies. It doesn't prove that didn't bring some of grandma's famous poundcake, though.

During her testimony, she seemed very open in discussing all matters of the wrestling business. Allow us to provide some choice quotes from her time in Congress. The entire transcript, as well as an overview and other interviews with people such as Vince McMahon, can be found here.

Who purchases the TNA action figures?

"...it is more in the collectible side where guys keep the toys and they keep them in their boxes and then they increase in value and things such as that...Have you seen the 40-Year-Old Virgin with that man that has all the toys?"

How does hiring Pacman Jones fit in to a more family friendly image?

"Well, you know, in this country, I believe you're innocent until proven guilty. And the last I checked, you know, most all of his incidents, several of them have been cleared during his tenure with us and even some since then."

By the way, Ms. Carter, we're expecting a check for two uses of the phrase "you know" (tm), and the fine is doubled because it was used during House testimony.


What causes the problems with older wrestlers?

"...that's what [the guys over 40] feel like the real travesty is, this schedule...and then you combine it when their 15 minutes of fame is over, they weren't that famous to begin with, they didn't save any money, they are depressed as hell, and it is a sad existence."

Do the wrestlers feel like they have to use steroids to get the top spots?

"I have chubby, I have very chubby, I have downright fat guys that work for me, and they are accepted and they are pushed as hard as anybody else."

Are the wrestlers really taking these chair shots to the head?

"I mean, they know how to protect themselves....But I do notice a few dummies that just sit there and take it and then we have to tell them backstage you have to, you know, put your hands up."

CHA-CHING!

Do the wrestlers do more extreme things now that people know it's not real?

"They are not doing anything now that they didn't do before..and really what it is, it is no different for a movie. For a period of time, you sit there and you suspend disbelief. You suspend disbelief that Tom Cruise...really is this person in Mission Impossible. It is the same thing here."

We couldn't have said it better ourselves. But we have said it.

We encourage you to take the time (a LOT of time; it's over 100 pages) and read the whole interview. It's rather interesting. Because of that, we here at LOL, Wresslin' would like to salute Ms. Dixie Carter for her honesty and her ability to understand what drives the common wrestling fan.

Also, we'd both totally hit that

Finally, a movie for us!

We know that sometimes it seems that the Laugh Twins of LOL, Wresslin' fame have a one track mind: wrestling. And perhaps the finest women in the world today, so two tracks at most. Don't let our internet appearance fool you, though. We're much deeper than that.

We also like movies! Not all movies; just the really awesome ones. So imagine our excitement when we heard about a movie simply titled The Wrestler. It was as if you went to Scott Hall and said, "Hey, there's a new movie coming out called Booze. You interested?" It stars Mickey Rourke, who was that big guy in Sin City, and Marisa Tomei, who's hot. It's directed by Darren Aronofsky, and after looking at his at IMDB page, we're certain we've never heard of him. But he's apparently making a new RoboCop, so he might just make a name for himself. We'll see.

Here's the trailer...

OH MAN!! Did you see all of that? Let us recount how many awesome things are in that trailer:

1. Wrestling

2. Strippers

3. 80's rock music

Read those again and tell us just how this is not the best movie ever made.

Now, we've had to look into this more, and some of those "movie" blogs are calling this a heartfelt drama that will make you cry. A story of redemption, forgiveness, and never giving up on one's dreams. They say it's a beautifully crafted tale of a man who falls all the way to the bottom, but manages to find that part in us that won't stop when everything says you should.

lol whut?

Did they see the same movie or something else? Sure, we saw a good deal of talking, and maybe a tear or two, but we're pretty sure those are the only ones in the movie. You gotta do something to get the females in the theater. But we know what this movie is about.

Wrestling and fine women.

So we're not all that simple-minded after all, are we?

Hulk Hogan's CCW: Week 1

The first week HAAS come and gone for Hulk Hogan's new reality show on CMT (we remember a time when my Country Music Television actually showed country music videos, damn it!), Celebrity Championship Wrestling. If you need a reminder of what the show is about, check here. It has a rather unique premise: ten competitors split into two teams. Each team is trained by a professional, and at the end of the show, they compete in front of judges and a live crowd. We don't think there's ever seen a show like this before.

Err, uh...

The two teams are:

TEAM NASTY

Erin Murphy, Nikki Ziering, Dennis Rodman, Frank Stallone, and Dustin Diamond. Trainer is "Nasty Boy" Brian Knobbs.

TEAM BEEFCAKE

Tiffany, Trishelle Cannatella, Butterbean, Danny Bonaduce, and Todd Bridges. Trainer is Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake.

Really, what is there to recap? They introduced all the contestants. Bonaduce said he was willing to do things they won't show on television. We believe him. Nikki said, "I wish I could say I was a fan of wrestling, but I've never watched it." Seriously? If you really wish you could say that, it's not difficult to watch wrestling. All you have to do is watch it. It's not like she said, "I wish I could say I've climbed Mount Everest, but I've never tried." That's reasonable. That'd be a cool thing to wish for, but it's very hard. You gotta get to Nepal, and have guides and gear. If you wish to watch wrestling, all you have to find is USA or myNetworkTV (ok, that may be as difficult as finding Mount Everest).


The judges came out to tell them how hard the contest will be. That is to say, Eric Bischoff said all that; Jimmy Hart just stood there looking slick. Hulk Hogan came out and showed off the CCW Championship Belt that the winner will recieve. Awesome. They can show that off to their apartment roommates or use it as collateral with their landlord.

We, of course, believe in giving credit where credit is due, so here's the good: Bonaduce and Diamond. These two missed their calling. Both played heels in their respective match, and both sold it well.

As for the bad? Everything else. It's obvious where they were going from the start: most of the celebrities(?) didn't want to be there, they can't take a bump, and the girls are whiners (except for Trishelle, who spent a lot of time in tight sweats on all fours with her ass always facing the camera. Call?) The training and the drama are generic at best. The matches were ok for what they were, but could hardly be called entertaining. Nothing surprising about any of that.

So, the team that puts on the crappier match loses a teammate. The judges have the hardest job in this whole thing. They decided that Team Beefcake wasn't up to snuff, and Tiffany was eliminated. See ya, hun! I think you're alone now.

Tune in tonight, 8/7c on CMT to view the continued failure.

You got your reality in my rasslin'

Let it never be said that the authors behind LOL, Wresslin' aren't serious folks. We are. There are a lot of things that we think deserve to be treated with respect and realistic expectations. Video games and blogging to name two. Professional wrestling is obviously not a third.

Now, that doesn't mean we don't want quality entertainment when we tune in each week, but there's a suspension of disbelief that we are aware of and welcome. Professional wrestling exists to give us cartoon conflict that we can't get watching boxing or UFC, and we don't want to just see two guys slugging it out and every match ending in a knockout. We also don't want to see Wile E. Coyote smashed to a pulp when he rides a rocket into the side of a cliff, or Bugs to be left with a bloody stump after sticking his index finger into the barrel of a hunting rifle. These are not things that we look forward to.

So it's a little disconcerting when we came across this article a few days ago. Vince wants wrestling to be "more real." Now, the article explains that he wants the wrestlers to work a little closer so the cameras don't catch phantom punches and the similar, which is fine with us. Anyone who watches wrestling on a regular basis has seen a whif or two, and reality always comes knocking at that point to dampen your experience. But the truth is we don't want our wrestling to get more "real," because part of what impresses us is the illusion of combat without the injury, and the over-the-top nature of the storylines, plot points, and maneuvers.

Above: reality

Vince, your product isn't supposed to compete with real sports; your product is supposed to entertain. If fans aren't watching, it's not because we don't want to see unrealistic moves or want to see guys hit each other more. It's because you're not doing a good job at what you're supposed to do well. By all means, make it look better if you can, but don't lose sight of why so many of us starting watching.

And please, don't let the Great Khali win every match because that's more realistic. The man can't even use a telephone.



Come on.

OH BABY, I like it RAW! vol. 2

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coarsing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to go along with this blog post, please press play and enjoy...

Pick your poison!! Yes! Just like the week before, last week's Raw begins with the premise that other wrestlers know who would make the best opponents for their rivals. Chris Jericho says that Batista, whom he'll be facing at Cyber Sunday, will fight SHAWN MICHAELS!!!

What? Listen, Jericho. I know you're conniving and underhanded and dastardly, so let's just throw out the formalities and go for the Full Monty here. (not you, Randy)

"You rang?"

With that out of the way early, why not pick someone that can literally break Batista in half? Nothing against Shawn, because he's great. But seriously, why not the Great Khali or something? He could drive Batista into the mat like a railroad spike, if he weren't hindered by WWE creative and his lack of knowledge about the civilized world.

He's just misunderstood.

Oh wait, it's going to be a LUMBERJACK MATCH??

Do yourself a favor and search "lumberjack" in Google images.

Alright then, that should be hard enough. So here they go! Shawn falls out of the ring. Uh oh, Jericho's plan is not working. Now Shawn is going to get attacked! There's all sorts of guys out there just dying to get their hands on that pompous old-timer. Who's gonna be first??

Deuce. Ok, Shawn handles him. But there's more. Who's next? ... Anyone? ... No? He's getting back in the ring. Last chance...!

Well, ok nevermind. Shawn and Batista fight a little more, then they both fall out of the ring and the match is ruled a no contest, because everyone attacks everyone. Good job, Jericho. You really caused some damage there. Oh, Shawn and Batista shook hands. And with Shawn in the running to be a special ref for Batista/Jericho at Cyber Sunday, that could be bad news for Lionheart. What's that? Stone Cold is also in the running to be ref? Oh, alright. Forget I said that.

$1,000 says he has a new shirt

Santino came out with Beth, and they started talking garbage to Johnny Knoxville who was ringside. He came in the ring and Beth slammed him. Hornswoggle hit a splash on Knoxville. Then Chris Pontius came to the ring, presumably to help his fallen comrade. Big Dick Johnson runs in to intercept him, and they enjoy each other's scantily clad company. Knoxville gets up, only to have the Great Khali come down and beat him up. I'd show you a picture of all this, but they haven't made a camera that can capture that much awesome in a single frame. Maybe in ten years.

Cryme Tyme and Kelly Kelly (call me?) beat The Miz, John Morrison and Jillian Hall. Intense tag team action.

Finally, Jericho has his poison and faces C.M. Punk. But wait!! Batista is the special referee. Oh man! Jericho was the special ref for Batista's match on the previous Raw, but now the foot is in the other shoe! The fans are totally behind this too, because when a heel does something underhanded to promote his agenda, that sucks. But when a face does something underhanded to that heel, well, that's justice my friend. And who's gonna tell Batista no?

There you go! Enjoy tonight at 9/8c on USA! USA! USA!

Your Saturday Nights are Forever Crushed! (at least for the next eight weeks)

How excited are you? Seriously. This is a fantastic day! After months of waiting, the benevolent programmers at Viacom and Country Music Television bless us with Hulk Hogan Celebrity Championship Wrestling! Words cannot describe how amazing this is. Only simple mathematics can:

Glamor of Celebrity Fit Club + Drama of WWF Tough Enough + Star Power of Hogan Knows Best=



RATINGS GOLD

Ok, seriously. This is going to suck. Hard.

The drill of this is pretty standard. A bunch of has beens and never wasses compete in various self esteem destroyers so that we, the common people, can feel better about being fat and stupid. These "celebrities" will be competing for the honor or.... well for the prize of..... for the thrill of compe.....

Ok. We have no idea what they're competing for. From the official CMT show description:

Ten brave celebrities come together to learn, train and compete in competitive wrestling while being eliminated one by one each week based on judges' selections and head-to-head matches with one another. World champion wrestler Hulk Hogan, former president of World Championship Wrestling Eric Bischoff and professional wrestling manager Jimmy Hart judge the celebrities on their performances throughout various challenges which include mastering complex wrestling moves, trash talk to intimidate the opponent and working a live audience. On the road to transforming them into wrestlers, the cast will be coached by former professional wrestlers Brutus "the Barber" Beefcake and Brian Knobbs.

The celebrities will be faced with exhausting challenges and elimination matches that will lead up to the heart-pounding finale that will determine the winner. The contestants will be divided into two teams, then taught the same set of moves to create the most exciting wrestling match against one another in an attempt to win over the judges and a live audience. Hogan, 12-time world champion, will be just as tough on the cast as he was on his challengers in a match, and each week the celebrity who doesn't bring their A-game will be thrown out of the ring. Ultimately only one will become the celebrity all-star wrestling champion.

Anyway, since we here at LOL, Wresslin' find this to be pretty much the entire reason we exist, we will be extensively covering this series as it airs. Consider this the LOL, Wresslin' Manifesto. This is step one to getting our book deal (we're going to sell out faster than Garfield Minus Garfield and Stuff White People Like!). So, because we love you, here are the official rankings of who think will win, from last to first.



10) Erin Murphy- She was Tabitha on Bewitched and has hosted various infomercials. She also contests on a bunch of third tier game shows. Yes, we had the same thought when we read her name: "Who?"












9) Todd Bridges- Horror movie rules: chubby black guy always one of the first to go.














8) Frank Stallone- And who will end being a loser again? You guessed, Frank Stallone. We kid. We kid. We bet he shows a lot of heart and determination, but just won't get it. Something tells us he'll get in a fight with Eric Bischoff and elect to leave the show.













7) Butterbean- This is a big (lol) shocker. He knocked out Bart Gunn at the Brawl for it All! It's only natural that Butterbean would be seen as a heavy (lol) favorite. This will be his downfall. Hulkamania only has one rule: no primadonnas. They're allowed one and have already filled their quota.












6)-4)- Tiffany, Trishelle Cannatella, and Nikki Ziering- Three women who have all been in Playboy are not leaving the show early. No way. No how. Think about it. They will all be sweaty, physical and buxom. They will also complain a lot which will cause "drama." This is all great television, but none of them has what it takes to crowned All-Star Wrestling Champion!

Awesome Photoshop skills!

Which brings us to the Top 3!

3) Dustin Diamond- The actor best known as Saved by the Bell's Screech is the wild card. He's antagonistic, surprisngly big, and anyone who's seen Saved by the Smell knows he's got balls. He's the heel of the celebrity wrestling stable and will surely be there at the end. He'd win this thing if it weren't for the following two studs.











2) Dennis Rodman- The Worm is the only true athlete in the bunch here. Five time NBA champion, best rebounder ever outside of Karl Malone and Sir Charles (the Round Mound of Rebound!), and he used to date Madonna and Carmen Electra (so you know he's got energy.) Most importantly, the man has headlined Bischoff produced WCW PPV's as Hulk Hogan's tag team partner. He's part of the New World Order, brother! He's a ringer, pure and simple. You don't have to like it, but you're going to learn to love it, because it's the best thing going, to-day!



nW0 4 life!



1) Danny Bonaduce- This man is insane. We don't know if he knows this is a work.



















Tune into CMT (where?) at 8/7 c to share in the pain. We'll be back with recaps and insight as soon as we regain control of our faculties.

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? vol. 2

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coarsing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremecy has charged both of them up enough provide handy recaps to the previous week's show. That way no new viewers would feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

This week's Raw review recalled GM Mike Adamle deciding to just take the day off and appoint Chris Jericho GM for the day. We all saw how well that went. Smackdown doesn’t have such a problem. Since the day Vickie Guerrero (whose sole qualification appears to be that she’s a widow) took over, Smackdown has had steady and consistent leadership.

Well, except for the last few weeks when she was out because the Undertaker scared her or something like that.

Regardless, best watch yo self Smackdown roster, cause the bitch is back. And she’s putting all her wrath out onto HHH and the Undertaker, because the crowd likes them and she’s jealous.

Nice screen grab, shit dick.

She hates them both so much that she booked our WWE Champ against the 500 lbs behemoth known only as The Big Show, with the strap on the line to boot! With the help of some Undertaker interference, Trips somehow squeaked out the win. But, the force of the Show isn’t stopping there. Vickie booked a match at Cyber Sunday. Big Show vs the Undertaker, and we get to decide the stipulation!

Jay Sherman: "It Stinks!"

In other Smackdown news, Montel Vontavious Porter is doing his damndest to become Al Snow 2008. He’s the founding member of J.O.B. Squad, 21^st century apparently, as he stared at the lights against everyone’s favorite heart throb, Jeff Hardy. Pin me, pay me, right MVP?

What does everybody want?? What does everybody need??

He's actually tripping and thinks he's diving into a pool.

Also, we have a new #1 Contender! Vladimir Kozlov proved once again that you can go far in this business by randomly assaulting other wrestlers after they have matches. In no way is it illegal or even frowned upon. On Earth-53 it’s considered Overtime.

That should be all for tonight. Kick back, relax, and enjoy the soothing sights and sounds. My Network TV, 8/7 central!

SEEYA!

Jake has a Request

While cruising the interwebs, LOL, Wresslin' came across this little gem of a story. To summerize, in case you're too lazy to make one more click, Jake the Snake Roberts was at a show in Ohio, likely in some sort of high school gymnasium, and he did what Jake seems to do best these days...self-destruct.

Now, when we were kids, Jake the Snake was money. Look at all the stuff he had going for him: a cool name (it rhymes OMG!!), a SNAKE, and he DDTs people. Plus, for the more enlightened crowd, he was a ring tactician and a true cerebral assassin before that meant knocking up the boss's daughter and having the strap all the time. Yes, Jake the Snake had it all.

What does he have now? Well, he still has that snake, so that's cool. And apparently, the man also has a death wish. Here's how we envision a typical encounter with Jake Roberts these days...

Legend? Hunh?

Even Google thinks he wants to end it. Oh wait, no they don't...they think he's already dead. While looking for an appropriate image for this post, we searched "Jake the Snake." Google provided this related search that we should try "Jake the Snake dead." Then, we searched "Jake the Snake Roberts," and Google offered "dead wrestlers" as well.

So, sorry Jaker, Google isn't very concerned about your current mental state, since they think you don't have one anymore.

W.W.W. featuring Rick Martel and Mr. Perfect

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your tribute to Ric Flair's retirement set to Green Day's "Good Riddance" ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Rick Martel's "Arrogance" commercials


Matt's response...
Wow. I want some of this.

No, not the cologne. Well, maybe, but I’ll get to that later. No, I mean these commercials. What ever happened to this kind of stuff? The camp, the silliness, the sheer over-the-top character traits. Why are we not treated to entertainment like this anymore?

I’m not saying it was the high point in comedy, but I do miss the slightly cartoonish nature of 80s wrestling (speaking of, where are my WWE Saturday morning cartoons?) Fake ads like these, the Mr. Perfect vignettes, or profiling the wrestlers’ work-out routines, which usually involved lifting any number of things that you’d likely not find in your regular gym. Even that famous D-X press conference. WWE fans aren’t treated to these simple yet effective character building segments. Everything is either carried out in the ring, which is fine if you’re at the show, or backstage, where it seems not to provide anything different other than a change of venue.

The main thing I really liked about Michaels vs. Hogan at SummerSlam was the build-up (ok, I guess that is probably the second-best thing I liked, because check out this video) If you remember, Shawn had a few of these pre-produced segments ripping on Hogan, and they felt so old-school. A breath of fresh air. Fresh, old air. I suggest you follow the link on the Rick Martel video and check out some of the other things this guy has posted. He has a lot of these.

Now, as far as “Arrogance” cologne goes…anything that can make two women (as Ric Flair would say, “The finest women in the world today”) materialize at your knees, I’m buying a truckload of that stuff. Although, from the descriptions of its effects, it sounds like “Arrogance” may legally qualify as some sort of date rape drug. I never saw him put any of it on. However, he is Rick Martel, so he probably doesn’t need it. Or maybe it’s because the stuff is packaged in that unwieldy, Looney Toons-esque bug sprayer.

But I know why they put it in that thing. Just look at it. The long shaft. The ball at the end. That’s simple: it’s a lever! You know, for all the leverage you’ll have over women.



It also sort of looks like a penis. And if that’s the case, then maybe we don’t need more of these commercials after all. Do we, Randy Orton?

Matt's Video to Adam - Mr. Perfect and the Genius on Brother Love

Adam's response...
Back in the 1980’s, the WWE was pretty much a living cartoon. Characters were one dimensional. They were motivated purely by the most basic of motivations. The Ultimate Warrior wanted to ultimately war. The Million Dollar Man wanted to let you know that, he in fact, had a million dollars and you probably didn’t. And of course, Mr. Perfect wanted to assert his masculinity while also never faltering, even once. This is where we come in.

Brother Love’s talk show segment gave various wrestlers a chance to explain their one dimensional motivations. We open with a raucous crowd, ready to boo the villainous preacher. I’m not sure if it’s out of hatred or boredom. One would think that if they were bored they’d probably just leave. But that being said, I’m stunned by how loud and long this crowd (which appears to be in a TV studio and rather small), can boo so consistently and audibly. Regardless, Brother Love is delighted to have The Genius as his guest. We know he’s a genius because he’s wearing a robe and mortarboard. Clearly, to the WWF audience, having graduated high school makes you an elitist smarty-pants worthy of disapproval. The Genius thanks Brother Love for the “euphoric” introduction. Now, I’m not sure how an introduction can be elated, but I suppose The Genius could feel euphoric after the introduction.

Regardless, The Genius is a man of obtuse, but few words. He is not here to talk about himself, or why professional wrestling could benefit from a man of his intelligence. No, the noble and humble Genius only wants to put over Mr. Perfect. He eloquently speaks in analogy, so us, the simple folk, can understand why Mr. Perfect is worthy of our adulation. Please pay attention.

As Romulus and Remus are to Rome, Mr. Perfect is to professional wrestling.

Uhhh…what?

I can’t process this. I must be too dumb! I mean, here we have this Genius, talkin’ ‘bout Italian Mythology! The Odyssey and shit! Duuuuuu…he reminds me how miserable my own life is. BOOOOOOO!!! HEEL!!!! I’m going to go back to being fat and stupid.

Ok, seriously. That analogy makes no sense. Did Mr. Perfect, according to legend, establish professional wrestling? Well, we know that’s not true. He’s only just entered the WWF! Even I can remember a few years ago when Hulk Hogan slammed Andre the Giant (brother!). Did Mr. Perfect have a twin brother who he was raised with by a wolf, then he slew in order to serve as first king of pro wrestling? Possibly. That’d be a great gimmick. Oh, I got it! Mr. Perfect raped 700 Sabine women. That’s what The Genius meant.

Also, The Genius had to read who he was introducing off a piece of paper, like he was presenting at a national paper clip conference and Mr. Perfect was the regional sales manager for Illinois.

After that head scratcher all our prayers have been answered, and the Sistine Chapel of wrestling blesses us with his perfection. His music is epic, moving, and captivating. However, it’s not the iconic Mr. Perfect music we all remember. It still works…but it’s not right. Glad to see Jim Johnston got on that.

Mr. Perfect comes out, and in true pro wrestling fashion opens his speech with “Everyone knows….” There really should be no reason to talk after that. He’s being redundant. This should be just an absolute truth. Still, Mr. Perfect, knowing the crowd he’s talking to, continues on. He lists various irrelevant facts that really don’t pertain to wrestling. He shoots under par every time he golfs (although wouldn’t a hole in one every time be perfect?), he swishes a shot anywhere on the court, which I guess is pretty amazing. Then he simply calls out Hulk Hogan, explains how the Hulkster is not, in fact perfect, and claims we’ll be calling him champion soon enough. The Genius stands around like a schlub the entire time, not knowing that you still are acting, even if you’re not “acting.”

It’s always stricken me as odd that Mr. Perfect is essentially a 1960’s Batman villain. Everything he says is just a way for him to say “perfect.” Catwoman even used to say “purrrrrrrrr-fect” which is more of a coincidence then anything. I honestly can just imagine Mr. Perfect having the Dynamic Duo trapped in his “perfect trap” which consists of sunlight bouncing off some rare “perfect ruby” he stole from the Gotham Museum of Gemstones, and somehow burning Batman and Robin alive. Of course, they somehow get out and then Batman teaches some valuable life lesson by saying “Even the quest for perfection needs to find imperfection to truly be complete” or something equally banal.

Also, I don’t get Brother Love’s character. Is the red make up supposed to make him look like the Devil, despite his preacher’s appearance? If he is supposed the be the Devil, he’s rather inept.

Welcome to LOL, Wresslin'

With a name like LOL, Wresslin', it’s not too difficult to surmise what it is we’re about. It’s not like we’re ambiguously titled “The Excellence of Execution” or “If Ya Smell What the Blog is Cookin’!” (Our apologies if these blogs do, in fact, exist. In fact, we’re sure they do.) No, LOL, Wresslin' exists for the exact same reason professional wrestling exists: to entertain.

You see, we watch wrestling the way it should be watched. The WWE (which will get the most focus since it simply has the most content to absorb) is its own, parallel world. Let’s call it Earth-53. That’s the only way it makes sense. That’s the only way it can be enjoyed. We’re not idiots. We understand that professional wrestling is “fake.” But what fun is that? Do we honestly believe that Kiefer Sutherland is actually protecting America over a single day (editor’s note: Kiefer, no. Jack Bauer, yes.)? Do we honestly think that Christian Bale patrols around Gotham City? Of course we don’t, so why pro wrestling should be held to a different level of realism is beyond us. It’s a perfectly valid form of entertainment, and shouldn’t be judged as anything but.

With all that being said, we are going to watch Vince McMahon’s product just as he presents it. We will ask the logical questions that would stem from these “superstar’s” motivations. We won’t forget dropped storylines. Why so snarky? Because half the fun of following serialized fiction is catching continuity errors.

And don’t think that the wrestler’s real lives are off limits to us either. That’s the other fun half of this. That mean’s you, Scott Hall.

We're still not sure which one he prefers.

So what can you, the reader, expect from us? Not much, honestly. We will pretty much follow the Deadspin rules of posting:

1) Be funny.
2) Don’t be unfunny

That is what we will strive to do. We won’t be breaking any news stories, so please don’t expect a an embarrassing photo of the Miz going “I CAN HAZ PUSH?” if there’s backstage rumblings that he’s getting a push. Don’t worry though; there will be plenty of embarrassing photos of The Miz, just not in that context. We will respond to any real world stories that happen to wrestlers in due time, but by no means will we ever fantasy book or write an essay explaining what TNA needs to do to overtake WWE, etc. Much more qualified and intelligent people then we have beaten that to death.

We will, however, make tasteless jokes. Perhaps too often.