OH BABY, I like it Raw! Summon a Damon

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



We hope you didn't mind the short hiatus we took over the Christmas holiday. You only missed a Smackdown recap, so I'm sure it wasn't that bad. However, I assure you that you're going to wish you missed this one too, since it seems that we're being left with very little to entertain us these days.

Guest host Johnny Damon (he's some athlete - look it up) let us know that Santa would be coming by Raw to grant a wish. Well, I'm sure that's going to go very well without any sort of violence. Also, we have a 3-on-3 Divas match...STARTING NOW!

It's a Santa's Little Helper match, meaning the good Divas dress like this...


...and the bad Divas dress like this...


At least they all match this time, right WWE.com interns? Good girls win this one.

Kofi Kingston and Randy Orton have settled into fighting each other every week in some form of tag match, and last week would be no different. Here we have Kofi enlisting Mark Henry and Evan Bourne in his team, and the Legacy on the other side.

Cody Rhodes will take that sign's advice to heart.

As always, things would get pretty brutal when these two bulls lock horns.


The action was so intense, the WWE.com interns barely had the ability to write a coherent sentence.

Even more strength than what?!

Kofi would come out on top of this match, because it's Christmas and WWE believes in charity.

We were then given the opportunity to watch real life legal drama as DX was taken by Hornswoggle to "Little People's Court." I'm serious. This is probably all you need to know:

Before you ask, yes, that is a midget.

They were found guilty of being taller than Hornswoggle, or whatever it is those midgets get upset about.

This night was full of matches that meant absolutely nothing, such as John Cena versus Jack Swagger. Why did they fight? I don't know. I must have missed the explanation when I got up to make a sandwich. Cena won. Don't believe me?

Proof.

Then there was Chris Masters, who beat up Carlito because he tried to steal a kiss from Eve under the mistletoe. I guess that's a little more understandable, because Eve is a stone cold fox, but still, I don't need no gosh-darned romance with my rasslin'!


But I guess Masters did it for the right reasons, so good for him.

For Pete's sake, act like you've been there before, you big dufus.

WWE Champ Sheamus beat the crap out of MVP, because for whatever reason that match needed to happen too.


Of course, this lead to an announcement that John Cena and Sheamus would face each other this week, so that was all worth it.

The Miz continued to completely waste the fact that he's United States Champion by beating up "Santino Claus," which, if you couldn't guess, was Santino dressed up like Santa Claus. And if one wrestler dressed up like Santa wasn't enough, Chris Jericho decided to have a go at it, coming disguised to the ring to grant Big Show's wish that Jericho be reinstated to Raw.

However, they didn't count on the WWE's littlest detective, and Hornswoggle yanked off the beard to reveal that it was Jericho all along, thus ending the ruse and prompting a flood of midgets to the ring to fight one of the greatest and one of the biggest professional wrestlers of all time.

The only logical conclusion.

DX would come to rescue and welcome Hornswoggle into the fold, making him the official mascot of the team, since we all know that he's incapable of being considered anything other than a ceremonial pet.

Timbaland is the host this week. I want to kill someone. USA, 9/8c.

W.W.W. featuring Ric Flair and Sam Roberts

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your armpit fart medley of Dean Malenko themes a'int going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- Ric Flair reveals shocking photos of him with Miss Elizabeth!



Adam's response...

The first thing everyone notices about a professional wrestler is his entrance music. We've written about this many times. The Nature Boy Ric Flair has had Stauss's (correct grammar) "Also Sprach Zarathustra" for almost his entire career. It's almost as important to his entire being just as much as the stylin', profilin' and figure-four's are. I say "almost" because honestly, Slick Ric could have had this and just been fine. Why? Because it's accurate and true.

Unlike you, Flair's been around the world. And also unlike you, he's been with many, many girls.

Which makes this storyline involving Randy Savage and his blushing bride Elizabeth so wonderful. Sure, anytime a man insinuates he's mowing another man's lawn it's serious. But this is Randy and Elizabeth! The same Randy who was so possessive of her beauty that he'd lock her in a closet at the arena so as other men wouldn't flirt with her. So when Naitch unleashes his master plan, well, let's just say shits gonna get reeeeeeeelllll.

"OOOO yeaaaa! I don't trust my co-workers or wife! Dig it!"

And what is this plan? Why, to show off a copy of an upcoming WWF magazine. Or as Flair calls it, "more than just a magazine" even though it isn't. On the cover, some poorly laid out stock photographs. Inside? Slick Ric shows off some shots from his personal collection. He uses these photos as the basis for his insight into Elizabeth's mindset (which he chooses to describe using language only a third rate romance novel would use.)


Now as for the photograph. For a candid photo between two people together at the time, it sure has a lot of professional sheen on it. Seriously, who poses for photos like that? Did he someday know she'd marry Savage and he'd be facing him for the World Title at Wrestlemania VIII?


Now for a legendary cooze hound like Flair, he sure is inconsistent with his put down. Telling someone that so-and-so is your sloppy seconds is the best diss ever (and apparently, can get you suspended for half an NHL season), but then coming back and saying how he'll take her back whenever? Attraction doesn't work that way, Naitch. You can't call another man's wife trash and then offer to give her a ride on Space Mountain anytime she likes.

Of course, I'm still single, so what do I know?

And johnnyfairbanks, nice job cutting the video off at the climax, shitdick.

Adam's video to Matt - Prime Time Sam Roberts interviews Wrestlemania 25 superstars



Matt's response...

Hey Adam, what's the haps?

Or is it happs? I'm going to have to consult "Being a Douchebag" on that one.


Obviously, my first instinct is to rip on the guy for that bit, but I'll let it go. Interesting the first person whom they showed catch on to it was Mark Henry, or as YouTube user "FartScrap" called him, the "big shadow in the tan suit." It was a funny enough way to start the segment, I suppose.

Not being an "Opie and Anthony" mark like Adam is, I'm not familiar with Prime Time Sam Roberts. He's alright though, and the wrestlers seem to like him well enough. Anytime you can have a light-hearted and congenial conversation with Trips about Vince McMahon's death, you must be a decent guy. That was his father-in-law, after all.

After his silly bit, he actually has some interesting questions for these guys. I particularly enjoyed him asking Roddy Piper about Hell Comes to Frogtown, seeing as how I'm one of the hundred people in America that own that movie.

Proof.

Piper's response of "we have an asshole here" is such wonderful "Piperness" also.

As is Flair's declaration that they don't have the word "not succeed" in their vocabulary.

I'm not finding it in mine either...

I guess I can rate the interviewees on how interesting they were during their interview. Now, sometimes that's unfair, because a subject can only be as good as their interviewer allows them to be, but a lot can be said for exuding a certain kind of presence that shines through no matter what.

6. Eve and Kelly Kelly
I'm not sure if this is part of the reason why Adam sent me this, but let me make it clear to him that I don't like Kelly Kelly for the way she answers questions. Seriously, could these two be any more boring? At least Mickie James would have offered you some squirrel jerky or something.


5. Edge
Controversial pick? I don't think so. Edge never impressed me all that much with his personality to begin with, and he doesn't pick up any points here. Don't be political! Say that it was gross to kiss Vickie! We all know it!

Seriously dude. WE ALL KNOW.

4. Mark Henry
This is where it starts getting close, because I really liked Mark Henry here. Ok, so he had the most generic answer in world when asked about Wrestlemania 25, but he made up for it talking about hair later on. And really, who doesn't want to hear Mark talk for long periods of time? Don't count me in that group!

3. Chris Jericho
It's nice to see Jericho out of character for a bit here. Really, there's nothing more to it than that. And they talk about big words.

That one I can find.

2. Roddy Piper and Ric Flair
It's hard not to pick these two as the best, but they seemed a little off. Maybe they just weren't in the mood to answer questions, or didn't feel like playing around. I can understand that; these two are legends and now some diphead is asking them "What's the happs?" They don't have time for that. Of course, it's funny when they talk about Hell Comes to Frogtown, and even funnier when Naitch reveals that he's never seen it. Very supportive of you, Flair.

1. Triple H
It's no secret that I'm a Triple H fan. Call me a front-runner if you will, but it's not just because he wins all the time. Actually, it's not about that at all. I always like his personality during interviews and he just seems to have a good time, which is certainly the case here. Obviously these two have a bit of a history, and it's fun to seem the play off that. But mainly I just like to see the Cerebral Assassin not assassinating people. I actually stayed up to watch him on "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon," if that tells you anything. Worth viewing, if only for The Roots playing "King of Kings."

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? vol. 14

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...





Now I know, the song bit is usually Matt's, but this is a special occasion. That's because Smackdown was in New Jersey last week! Yes sir! Bruuuuuuuuuccccceeeee!!! BRRRRUUUUUCCCCCEEEE!!! "Livin' on a Prayer!"






Wait, I hate all that stuff (except for the Sopranos). And I bet the WWE does too. Let's see how much they phoned this one in just to get the hell out of dodge.

We open up with where we left off last week. Michelle McCool took the week to calm down and felt the need to apologize about her brutal attack on Maria.

Ladies, always check for lumps. LOL, Wresslin' cares about your breasts.

Maria bounces down the ring to accept the apology, cause that's what girlfriends do! Wait, Maria looks a little tanner.

What nice cheeks you have

Who is that? Eve? Who the hell is Eve? Well according to her bio she won the Diva Search a while back. They still have that? Really? Well I guess Michelle felt it best to apologize to Eve for her attack on Maria? That makes no sense and OH NOES!!!

You'd figure the shoe would hurt more...

Oh well, I like a woman in charge.

Also, after weeks of anticipation Kizarny finally debuted! A dirty, smelly, carny felt it best to debut when he felt comfortable, in New Jersey! And who better to have a successful debut against then MVP? That's right! No one!



Welcome to Smackdown, Kizarny! Interesting pin! Apparently the food chain in the locker room places pedophiles above non-handicapped people who park in handicapped spaces.

I think someone over at Smackdown reads this blog, because my little question about the validity of John Morrison and The Miz defending the world tag titles on Smackdown has been answered: they can't. Thus, Festus and Jesse, who were feuding with them, are now in the WWE Tag Title picture. They faced The Brian Kendrick and Ezekiel Jackson in a #1 contenders match! Of course, that's where it ended, because the team of racial harmony beat the two backwater racists.


Finally, GM Vickie Guerrero announced that Edge will take on Jeff Hardy for the WWE title at the Royal Rumble. And she also announced some of the participants! Valdimir Kozlov, Shelton Benjamin, HHH, and the Undertaker will all take place in the Rumble! And HHH was so over joyed that he came out thank Vickie personally! How? By making fun of her weight and announcing that....


Wait...nude Vickie photos?!! On eBay?? Waaaaa!!

ewwwwwwww

Ewwwwwwwww

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

Ahhh...much better.

I mean MUCH better!

Well, thank God Smackdown got out of the Garden State! They are surely going to be somewhere better this week. They're in....New Jersey again?? Crap. 8/7c, MyNetwork TV, I guess (channel 9 for you locals.)