OH BABY, I like it RAW! vol. 22

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Oh my, dear Raw fan, just another ordinary night here on Monday Night Raw. Nothing interesting going to hap-

Wait, what's that?

The Piper's Pit set??

Yes!!!! Piper is here and he's going to show us just what being an old codger is all about!!

Horsemen!

Oh wait, nevermind.

Yeah, Jericho for some reason thought it would be clever to set up the Piper's Pit scenery and have himself a little talk segment. And with who, you may ask? Well, the only Piper's Pit guest anyone watching wrestling today might possibly remember - Jimmy Snuka. (Seems I've seen him on another talk show recently) Fresh off hooking hookers, "Superfly" is here to show just how effective you can be without saying a word.


Jericho, of course, just wanted to take another opportunity to berate an old-timer. He even went to far as to bring produce to the ring, none of which phased Snuka one bit until he brought out what may as well have been a hand grenade...


Yeah, Snuka shrank away from the coconut like it killed his family at the beginning of a samurai movie. However, he did fight back against Lionheart, only to have the set knocked over on him for his efforts. Nice try, old man.


What else happened on Raw, besides beating up the elderly? Well, we have a Triple Threat Money-in-the-Bank qualifier, featuring Mike Knox (OMG!), Kane and Rey Mysterio. Hmm, let's see, which of these guys is going to go on and be in a ladder match at Wrestlemania 25?


What?? Really?? Vickie Guerrero must really be in charge, because that was just SmackDUMB.

Next there's a Diva's tag match with nothing on the line. Why do I mention it? Well, a certain lady who hasn't gotten much press in this column is finally back in the ring.

And there's so much I'd like to press.

In a move that finally resembles real life, Orton says he's going to press charges against Triple H for assault because of last week's teeny tiny attack with a sledgehammer. Trips thought this would be a good time to smooth things over, so he came down to the ring with another sledgehammer.

I swear he had a sledgehammer just a second ago...

Orton indicated that rather than have HHH arrested, he'd rather just fight him at Wrestlemania. Ah, wrestling comes back to save us. Randy made Hunter agree that he wouldn't attack unless physically provoked, or that pesky assault would come back up and the only thing HHH would be seeing during Wrestlemania is the inside of jail cell. Trips agreed to that and then immediately rushed Orton when he started talking about doing an RKO on Stephanie.


I guess that whole stipulation starts on Tuesday.

Crapdown's big Russian is in the building, and we're finally going to find out who's facing Undertaker at Wrestlemania. I could fill a page with beautiful prose describing the match, but this is far more satisfying:

Take that, you socialist pig!

Yeah, Kozlov is obviously new to the country, because he had no idea what was coming when Shawn starting acting a fool and stomping his foot on the mat repeatedely. Michaels caught him square and pinned him clean. Afterward, Undertaker came out to stare down his newly crowned opponent.


Finally, we have Cena facing Smackdown's "champion" Edge for that belt he carries around. Naturally, up against a superior force, a Smackdown "wrestler" is forced to cheat to win, but they can't even do that right.


Edge hit Cena with the belt, causing a DQ with Edge keeping the title. And again, Smackdown GM Vickie Guerrero comes out to handle a little show business on Raw. Why do they announce Smackdown's Wrestlemania main event on Raw? So someone can see it.

Your new Number 1 Contender for the World Heavyweight Title...


Weeee. Look for even more excitement tonight at 9/8c on USA!!

Mr. T is a douchebag

What does it mean to be famous? What does it take? As is apparent in our society today of hundreds of TV stations, and hundreds more game shows, reality shows, and the 24 hour news cycle, almost anyone can be famous for one reason or another. But usually when we think of fame, we think of those select few we call movie stars, or musicians, or athletes. That's celebrity; the truest meaning of fame.

Is there something more though? Are there a group of people that not only we look up to, but those that we hold above us look up to as well? What do we do with the humans among us that ascend to a higher level than their peers; to excel where others are already excelling? Where do we pay homage to the cream of the crop (something Macho Man knows a thing or two about)?

We give them the Hall of Fame.

A sometimes mythical place where we enshrine the ones who are not just famous, they're more than famous. INfamous, as Ned Nederlander would say.


Yes, the Hall of Fame. And which Hall of Fame are we talking about today? The WWE Hall of Fame obviously! That repository for all things wonderful about professional wrestling, and a few misfits that made it in along the way.

The WWE Hall of Fame not only inducts wrestlers, they also recognize celebrities who have made themselves a part of the fabric in some inexorable way. When sitting around contemplating who should be included in the next class of inductees (as we are wont to do often), one name popped up that seemed like a no-brainer: Mr. T.

Maybe we should rethink this one...

Mr. T was part of not only the first Wrestlemania, but the second one as well. He's one of the few celebrities that have stepped into the squared circle and put his or her body on the line in a match against the best the business had to offer. He was a faithful teammate of Hulk Hogan, and the two spent time not only training, but cleaning up the subways of New York City. He's a first ballot for sure! In fact, don't even vote, just make the plaque and everyone will go along with it. Who's going argue that he shouldn't be in there?

Well, one person: Mr. T himself. And not because he doesn't think he's accomplished enough to join the likes of Ric Flair, Roddy Piper, Bret Hart, Jimmy Snuka, Gorilla Monsoon, or Andre the Giant. No, it's because he has a problem with what would be one of his other Hallmates:

After they put Rose in they came and asked me and I said "You don't insult me! You don't put Pete Rose in the Hall of Fame before me! I ain’t going to be a part of that."

T made those comments during the "Get Some Nuts" tour. We don't want to even know what tour was about, because there's no way it's as awesome as we're thinking it is. He also says it's outrageous becaue Pete Rose can't even get into his own Hall of Fame. Well now Mr. T, we didn't know that was a prerequisite for entry to this elite club of celebrity inductees (the only other one of which William "Refrigerator" Perry). So tell us please, sir, which other Hall of Fame are you already or soon to be a part of? We're waiting...


Didn't think so. Mr. T continues to back up his point with this comment:

Then they had Dennis Rodman in there one time and that's when I knew wrestling was done.

Alright fine, we can't argue with you on that one.


Well, you know what? That's just fine with us if you're never inducted, pal. Go on and pity someone else, because we're cool with it.

Incidently, the "Get Some Nuts" tour was some sort of Snickers promotion. We told you it wasn't going to be very cool. We know this because we couldn't help but click through to another article on a gadget blog, where they interviewed T and he said that cell phones are the downfall of Superman. Why? Here comes the logic:

Then see, Superman, before he fight, he gotta find a phone booth...there's no phone booths. Everybody got they own cell. So what is Clark Kent gonna do? Somebody could be gettin' the daylight beat out of them waitin' on him to change into his little outfit.

Again, Mr. T is a reasonable individual.

Hulk Hogan's CCW: Week 4

Alright! Fifth episode and still going strong on Celebrity Championship Wrestling! The chumps are squeezed out and now we have a high-octane, to-the-wire competition on our hands!

Just kidding, it still blows.

But if you're watching, or if you just come here for brief and witty recaps, let's go over what happened on Week 4's episode.

This week the competitors had three more moves to learn: a hip toss, elbow smash, and how to take the turnbuckle. Again, if Hogan were doing the training himself, they would have been done three weeks ago.



Now that they are all saddled with new in-ring personalities, the group gets to show off their acting abilities by cutting a promo. We think they're "acting" "abilities" are what got them planted on this show to begin with, but that doesn't matter. It's all part of the game, and you have to take the bad with the worse.

Nikki "Candy Girl" Ziering laughed all the way through her promo, as did everyone watching. Everyone else was fairly weak, except for the break-out stars(?) of this show Dustin Diamond and Danny Bonaduce. They cut a promo on each other, despite the fact that they are on different teams. It doesn't matter though, because crazy acts like magnetism: they just find each other. So Diamond does a standard promo, decent enough. Then "Dangerous" Danny Bonaduce (seriously, that's his character. He added the word "dangerous" to his name) steps up, runs down Saved by the Bell and makes fun of Diamond's dead agent. Quality human being, friends. Quality human being.

We quit. Seriously.

So let's get to the matches....eh, who cares?

Let's find out who got kicked off, right? That's why we watch, isn't it? For someone to be called a jabroni! Well, Trishelle and Nikki are the ones left in the ring at the end of show, which means the judges know what we all know: women can't wrestle! (GUY POWER GUY POWER!!)

Since Trishelle seems halfway into, and we need to have at least one piece of tail on the show or no one will watch, Nikki gets the boot last week. That means the show blows just a little less now.

Just kidding! Can we have our jobs back?

Yes...we just hit you with some double entendre.

So, check out the mania tonight on CMT, 8/7c!

The King of the Jungle

Hopefully you're all aware that last night was Batista's first night on Raw as the new champion. We at LOL, Wresslin' thought we'd celebrate. If there's one thing we love, it's people who name themselves after animals. And not a particular animal, just any animal. You could say Batista pulled out a trump card and named himself after every animal, and we could say that as well. In fact, we will.

We thought it'd be appropriate to mark this momentous occasion by recalling Batista's long-standing love affair with championship gold. Like that loveable idiot at the grocery store who just can't seem to get the plastic bag for his vegetables open, he's going to stand there and keep trying until he gets it, damn it. Except Batista doesn't eat vegetables; he eats meat. Raw meat. Because he's an animal, you know.

A rather well-armed animal at that.

We'll start our trip down memory lane on April 3rd, 2005, when Batista challenged and won the World Heavyweight Championship for the first time by facing Triple H at Wrestlemania 21. Using the finest research tools at our disposal, LOL, Wresslin' has concluded that since that time, Batista has participated in 23 championship matches. Factor in he spent half of 2006 sidelined due to injury, and also strung together an impressive eight consecutive shots at the title, we would like to crown Dave "The Animal" Batista as the wrestler "Most Likely to be in a Championship Match in 21st Century."

This is Batista's fourth reign as World Heavyweight Champ, and we'd simply like to congratulate him. It reminds us of the old saying, "Even a blind squirrel can find a nut every once in a while," and sir, you seem to have found four.

"Care for two more?"