Cash creates more cash

In case you weren't aware, WWE's pay-per-view buyrates are pretty much all down this year from last. That may seem like an obvious thing to you, seeing that the economy is in the tank and all. But historically, entertainment flourishes when financial times are bad. So why is WWE taking it on the chin this year, and more importantly, what are they going to do to fix it?

There's a few ways most of us sane people would suggest trying first:

1. Decrease the number of pay-per-views to avoid oversaturation of the market.

2. Spend more time building up feuds.

3. Avoid giving away PPV-quality matches during Raw or Smackdown.

4. Create new and interesting gimmick matches.

The WWE, however, doesn't feel like any of these are a good idea, and in order to recoup the money they've lost from lower buys, they're just going to up the price next year. That's right - the base price of a pay-per-view is going from $39.95 to $44.95 (convert it to pounds yourself, international readers). After all is said and done, a monthly event will cost you one crisp Grant.


Now we, being the internet-famous Laugh Twins, get all of our pay-per-views comped, so this doesn't really affect us, but we like to pretend like we care about those of you who aren't so fortunate. Which is why we're right there with you when we say, "This effin' blows." When more and more people are choosing to pay for groceries rather than get their hair done or buy a new gadget, wrestling pay-per-views are one of those things that fall into the "Shit I Don't Need" category, so this seems like WWE is a little out of touch with just where they rank in most people's lives.

So what would be better? Clearly we see the need for the WWE to make money, and this is one way they do it. We can't fault them for that, and neither can we fault them for trying to squeeze as much cash out of us as they can. However, there are other ways.

We would like to suggest a tiered, a la carte style of event, with buyers able to pick and choose the matches they would like to see, with the undercard matches being slightly less than the main event. A few bucks per match, with discounts to those who order several or all of them. In that way, the WWE cannot only charge a little more than they would were the prices to be broken down "per match," but they can also instantly gauge the hot storylines and the ones that might need a little more work.

Let's take a look at their last big show, SummerSlam, and see how this pricing might work:

WWE Intercontinental Championship - Rey Mysterio vs. Dolph Ziggler
Price: $2.75
Rey counts as three-quarters of a wrestler, so any match he's involved in will be discounted.

MVP vs. Jack Swagger
Price: $3.10
No title on the line, so it can't cross that five dollar mark, but this is a battle for honor. It's also got that ex-con vs. college boy vibe, so a few extra cents for that one. Who wouldn't pay for a good battle of the races?

Unified Tag Team Championship - Jeri-Tall vs. Cryme Tyme
Price: Free with any purchase
Come on...it's the tag team titles. Even Jericho can't resurrect these belts.

Kane vs. The Great Khali
Price: $5.50
It's big man versus big man! Which big man is the biggest?! Who is going to shove the other down first?! This is drama and tension at its all-time finest! (Note: we're speaking as WWE executives right now, not fans.)

DX vs. The Legacy
Price: $6.00
Yes, yes, it's a tag match, but there's no title on the line so this must be worth something. Extra $1.00 surcharge for "nostalgia," plus another fifty cents for the wrestling clinic Cody Rhodes is sure to put on. That kind of education isn't cheap, friends!

ECW Championship - Christian vs. William Regal
Price: First viewer pays $10.00. After that, it's free.
No one should be forced to pay for this, but that one ECW fan will be sure to pick it up.

WWE Championship - Randy Orton vs. John Cena
Price: $9.00
Premium billing because of "hogs" and "jorts." Also, any wrestler with an animal nickname commands an extra $1.50. Price increases retroactively to $9.75 if Cena pumps up his sneakers/smirks at the camera/attempts the Attitude Adjustment more than twice.

TLC match for the World Heavyweight Championship - C.M. Punk versus Jeff Hardy
Price: $12.00
Lots of extra charges for this one: main event match, gimmick match, major championship, face paint, match involving someone currently taking illicit drugs. $2.00 discount for C.M. Punk's product placement advertising for Pepsi. Bonus undercard match if Hardy is arrested during the bout.

Death, Taxes, and WWE Stock

Not to get all spoilery on last night's Raw, but sometimes some things are just too big to sit on for a week. Yes, we now have a new owner of Monday Night Raw! Donald Trump sold it to rival wrestling promoter Vince McMahon last night. The King is dead! Long live the king!

"We're leaders-two kings!!!"

Still, WWE is a publicly traded company, and as such, has responsibilities to its share holders. Thus, who cares who the owner is as long as our bottom line (cause Stone Cold said so!) is in the black? Let's take a look at the last ten years of WWE's portfolio.

Just like that.

As you can see, WWE stock opened it's first week rather strong, with $24.00 being the price for just a little of that Smackdown action. True, it closed it's first month down $3 from that initial opening, but $21 a share times a few thousand is a pretty spicy meatball! Also, this was the month that John Carpenter (not of this fame) became the first millionaire in Who Wants to be a Millionaire? history. Obviously America was following him for financial advice at the time.

Thank God we're here to translate all these complicated algorithms for you.

This is the financial chart from the time WWE announced their purchase of WCW to the end of the "WCW Invasion" angle. A year and a half later and the stock has dropped six dollars. Still, it remains pretty consistent the entire time, which should not be a good thing due to the angle of all angles they should have been running. Of course, that logic is pretty sound, since the stock went up after the purchase, only to return to its old neighborhood once the public saw that it was failing.

It's like every time this happens the stock goes down

Oh those wacky wrestlers! What a bunch of jokers! Yup, remember when Mr. McMahon "died" in that limo explosion? Yes, when that happened WWE Corporate issued this press release. All in a days work for a wrestling show, right? Except there was one small problem; Vince McMahon is the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. When the head of the company dies people tend to lose faith and begin to jump ship. As exhibited by the above numbers. Thankfully, something else came along to distract buyers from these shenanigans.

Ooo..some good news!

Right. That unpleasantness. What's really astounding is how once the mass media went full on Chris Benoit coverage WWE stock dramatically rose. Then as the craziness died down, the stock dropped below its starting point of the time around the tragedy. Hmm, we guess there is no such thing as bad publicity...

Financial genius our ass

Finally, here are the daily numbers of Donald Trump's crazy week as owner of Raw. Yup, a dramatic decrease. Almost a full point. Could it possibly be because of this? Once again, a crazy wrestling stunt is leading the government to get involved because, hey, we're dealing with people's money here.

Still, most important in all of this is that Vince McMahon bought back Raw. And for the low, low price of double an "offer I couldn't refuse," as he said last week. All for a company that netted -$235,000 last night.

WWE stock! The smartest buy you can make!

Tough way to make a buck

(Note: This is our 50th post! They grow up so fast, don't they?)

While LOL, Wresslin' prides itself in being a refuge from the harsh realities of life, sometimes even the Laugh Twins can't completely divest themselves from actual news. We're gentlemen, sure, but we're also working gentlemen, and we've found lately that it's getting harder and harder to grind out a profit and keep up our gentlemanly exploits. So too, we figure, it is for those once-warriors of the squared circle that make their rounds on the meet-and-greet circuit.

However, after some scant research, it would not seem to be the case. We told you recently about Ric Flair's appearance in New York; the upper end tickets, which included autograph, photo and Q&A session, were going for $80. This Roddy Piper event is from last year we believe, and $25 gets you a photo and autograph (though, we're not sure we'd pay to hear about Piper's life on the streets; we've seen They Live). Another $25 will get you into a wrestling clinic with Koko B. Ware in Hasbrouck Heights, NJ. You have to buy the tickets at a Quiznos though, so bring your appetite as well. We're serious.

Is your wallet feeling a little light? Well, it's not over. Save up for next August, because Charlotte will be the home of a three-day NWA Legends Fanfest, with a dinner banquet and Hall of Heroes ceremony. That'll set you back two bills for a VIP ticket. Still have cash? Throw down another $35 for the Super Mega Fest (named by a 9-year-old) in Framingham, MA. There you'll rub elbows (or other things) with the likes of George Steel, Bruno Sammartino, Sonny, Jimmy Hart, Jackie Gayda-Haas (alright dude, seriously. We already gave you the Seal of Awesomeness. You can stop now.), and Dawn Marie.

We've also heard that if you even run into Virgil on the street, it'll cost you a Lincoln to get a photo (that's five bucks, not a penny).

So it seems that the appearance business is going rather well, even in a tough economy. But what about the WWE itself. Well, if you believe them, they're pretty much recession-proof, because if there's one thing that people always need is their rasslin'. And internet porn, but we're a classy joint here.

Let's check out Tazz's Tale of the Tape here...or did he have the Keys to the Match? Doesn't matter.

Using the finest research tools at our disposal, we checked out WWE's performance in the stock market. Let's take a look...

Well, perhaps they're right. They certainly seem to be chugging right along with no problems whatsoev--wait a minute. What's that?

Oooohhh, so sorry (cue The Price is Right horn). Now, we'll fully admit that we're not financial experts, but it seems that WWE isn't that bullet-proof after all. Now, as for internet porn? Surprisingly enough, Yahoo! doesn't have a stock ticker for them. Apparently it's not a publicly traded company. But here's what we think it looks like...