R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? vol 8.

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

The big question going into last Sunday's Survivor Series was "Who will survive and what will be left of them? Well those questions were answered and we now have the landscape ready to take us into the twelfth month- the month of Armageddon!

The big news of the night was that the triple threat WWE title match had been changed back to a one on one because Jeff Hardy was found on the floor of his hotel lobby at 3 am. Damn dude. I suppose we'll be having a Self Destruction of Jeff Hardy DVD in about ten years.

Heath Ledger asked the same way

Survivor Series had numerous inter-brand matches on the card, so Matt covered a lot of them, but let me just say this: Smackdown. I'm disappointed in you. You only had one survivor in the traditional Survivor Series elimination tag matches, and you also bickered amongst yourself and had TWO individual matches. I didn't see Raw do that. Here, take a look at who decided to eliminate our favorite Hummer H2 driver:

Good enough

All so you can stand with those guys? They'll never accept you, Khali. You were there puppet! Now go call Adam Sandler and plead for a role in his next movie.



Also, the Undertaker and the Big Show locked it up, one more time on pay-per-view. However, this time is was in a CASKET MATCH! Egad, the sheer terror and carnage that must be unleashed to not only get one of these behemoths into the casket. And then, imagine the hatred one must feel to actually shut that casket lid, thereby giving the fallen combatant the horror of being inside a receptacle for burying the deceased. This is going to be barbaric.

Or very slow and a little boring.

Most exciting part of the match

Anyway, Big Show continued the Guerrero tradition of being thrown into caskets. Look for Undertaker/Bigshow XXXIX at Armageddon, on this time it'll be a pie eating contest.





Finally, our main event was the barn burner that is HHH and Vladimir Kozlov. The crowd, firmly behind the United States, adopted the Connecticut blue blood/French Canadian immigrant as their own, and cheered him on to a resounding rally. He was about to pin the unbeaten Moscow Mauler when suddenly, General Manager Vicki Guerrero appeared on the ramp!

Viva la raza!

Yes! Jeff Hardy has risen from the ashes to... OMG! That's not him! That's...it can't be! He's been gone for weeks!

Nice beard, Mike Knox (OMG!!!) Version 2.0

Quick side note. How lucky for Edge that this match didn't end before he decided to show up for the pay-per-view.

Well gee, seems like Jeff really did have a prob- OMG! He's here! He's here! And I bet he's pissed!

Unreliable and prone to destructive behavior...

Alas, it was not to be, as the ultimate opportunist pulled out the win and is our champion. At least we can still take solace in the fact that THE CHAMP IS THERE!!!11!!11!



Will we find out what the Smackdown superstars are thankful for tonight? What will Hurricane Helms just be sayin? What's the over/under on "Black Friday" references? Find out, tonight on MyNetwork TV, 8/7c!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? vol. 6

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

Something peculiar happened last Friday. Smackdown wasn't its normal fun self. No. It seemed like this shit got real!!! Namely in the form of the enigma himself, Jeff Hardy!

Team BFF (Hardy and HHH) reunited to take on The Miz and John Morrison. I don't think we've ever talked about John Morrison here before. Well, for the uninformed, he has the gimmick of being a Jim Morrison rip off and he speaks very hammy. He's so hammy that that has to be his gimmick, which makes him kind of awesome. Too bad the rest of him isn't that awesome, dreamboat that he is. Seriously, look at him:

Silver glitter on his abs? Seriously? That's too gay even for us.

Well, this match was a bit of retribution as both he and the Miz lost to HHH and Shawn Michaels on Raw, so they decided to come over to Smackdown and get revenge on HHH. However, it was not to be, since Jeff Hardy really never tagged out. Seriously. He wanted to somehow prove he was worthy of a title shot by being all gutsy and never quitting, like Rudy. Unfortunately, that didn't work, so HHH eventually came into the match. Jeff was so distraught about this that he decided to swing chairs and get himself DQ'd. Way to impress the match dealer there, Trainspot.

That's why they call me "Pun Dawg"

Smackdown celebrated Obama's win by giving us a match for the US Title! Shelton Benjamin and R-Truth continued their long, storied, two month feud, and then swiftly ended it by having Shelton win clean in the center of the ring. A'INT NO STOPPIN' HIM NOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!

"Mmmmm...rump roast."

Apparently MVP is a Holocaust denier or something, because there is little explanation for why he is being jobbed so frequently. Sure, they say it's because he has a clause in his contract where he must win X number of matches to hit a bonus, but we know the truth. MVP shamefully does not believe the worst atrocity in human history.



This week he lost to The Great Khali, who is now a good guy because he kisses ugly/old/fat women in the middle of the ring. So in addition to not being able to use a telephone, he's also blind. Perhaps it's time we got him a handicapped plate for his car?

And my self esteem....

In Diva action, Victoria (not a lady to mess with) took on some cute girl in pink named Brie Bella. Victoria, being the good sport she is, let Brie win the match, 1-2-3 in the center of the ring. For some reason after the match Ms. Bella crawled underneath the ring. Luckily for Victoria, Jim Neidhart's daughter had her back. She grabbed Brie's legs as Victoria grabbed her arms. But wait...that's rather far apart. At least 7 feet or so. WHAT!!!?? THERE'S TWO!?!?!?! TWINS!?!?!? YES!!! FUCK YES!!! THAT'S THE RADDEST SHIT I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!!111holdshiftoneoneoneBBQ!!1!





Finally, as promised last week, Vladimir Kozlov would get a title shot at Survivor Series if he could only beat The Undertaker. The Deadman seemed to have the Moscow Mauler on the ropes, all but setting up Soda Popinski for his first loss. But then crazy old Jeff Hardy decided to show why he's worthy of a title shot by interfering in the match and swinging a chair at both Kozlov and the Undertaker. Now, we've established that this is usually a smart move. Senselessly attacking other wrestler is a great way to make a name for yourself, but not when the man you hit first needs that win to become the #1 Contender, silly! That's what happened! Kozlov wins via DQ and now we have our Survivor Series main event. Jeff then ran backstage, and told GM Vickie Guerrero that if he takes on the Undertaker next week, he should be deserving of a title shot. Ok buddy, now I know you're high.

This can only end poorly.

Taker vs Hardy, MVP loses, and Kozlov mic skills! Tonight! 8/7c MyNetwork TV!

You got your reality in my rasslin'

Let it never be said that the authors behind LOL, Wresslin' aren't serious folks. We are. There are a lot of things that we think deserve to be treated with respect and realistic expectations. Video games and blogging to name two. Professional wrestling is obviously not a third.

Now, that doesn't mean we don't want quality entertainment when we tune in each week, but there's a suspension of disbelief that we are aware of and welcome. Professional wrestling exists to give us cartoon conflict that we can't get watching boxing or UFC, and we don't want to just see two guys slugging it out and every match ending in a knockout. We also don't want to see Wile E. Coyote smashed to a pulp when he rides a rocket into the side of a cliff, or Bugs to be left with a bloody stump after sticking his index finger into the barrel of a hunting rifle. These are not things that we look forward to.

So it's a little disconcerting when we came across this article a few days ago. Vince wants wrestling to be "more real." Now, the article explains that he wants the wrestlers to work a little closer so the cameras don't catch phantom punches and the similar, which is fine with us. Anyone who watches wrestling on a regular basis has seen a whif or two, and reality always comes knocking at that point to dampen your experience. But the truth is we don't want our wrestling to get more "real," because part of what impresses us is the illusion of combat without the injury, and the over-the-top nature of the storylines, plot points, and maneuvers.

Above: reality

Vince, your product isn't supposed to compete with real sports; your product is supposed to entertain. If fans aren't watching, it's not because we don't want to see unrealistic moves or want to see guys hit each other more. It's because you're not doing a good job at what you're supposed to do well. By all means, make it look better if you can, but don't lose sight of why so many of us starting watching.

And please, don't let the Great Khali win every match because that's more realistic. The man can't even use a telephone.



Come on.

OH BABY, I like it RAW! vol. 2

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coarsing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to go along with this blog post, please press play and enjoy...

Pick your poison!! Yes! Just like the week before, last week's Raw begins with the premise that other wrestlers know who would make the best opponents for their rivals. Chris Jericho says that Batista, whom he'll be facing at Cyber Sunday, will fight SHAWN MICHAELS!!!

What? Listen, Jericho. I know you're conniving and underhanded and dastardly, so let's just throw out the formalities and go for the Full Monty here. (not you, Randy)

"You rang?"

With that out of the way early, why not pick someone that can literally break Batista in half? Nothing against Shawn, because he's great. But seriously, why not the Great Khali or something? He could drive Batista into the mat like a railroad spike, if he weren't hindered by WWE creative and his lack of knowledge about the civilized world.

He's just misunderstood.

Oh wait, it's going to be a LUMBERJACK MATCH??

Do yourself a favor and search "lumberjack" in Google images.

Alright then, that should be hard enough. So here they go! Shawn falls out of the ring. Uh oh, Jericho's plan is not working. Now Shawn is going to get attacked! There's all sorts of guys out there just dying to get their hands on that pompous old-timer. Who's gonna be first??

Deuce. Ok, Shawn handles him. But there's more. Who's next? ... Anyone? ... No? He's getting back in the ring. Last chance...!

Well, ok nevermind. Shawn and Batista fight a little more, then they both fall out of the ring and the match is ruled a no contest, because everyone attacks everyone. Good job, Jericho. You really caused some damage there. Oh, Shawn and Batista shook hands. And with Shawn in the running to be a special ref for Batista/Jericho at Cyber Sunday, that could be bad news for Lionheart. What's that? Stone Cold is also in the running to be ref? Oh, alright. Forget I said that.

$1,000 says he has a new shirt

Santino came out with Beth, and they started talking garbage to Johnny Knoxville who was ringside. He came in the ring and Beth slammed him. Hornswoggle hit a splash on Knoxville. Then Chris Pontius came to the ring, presumably to help his fallen comrade. Big Dick Johnson runs in to intercept him, and they enjoy each other's scantily clad company. Knoxville gets up, only to have the Great Khali come down and beat him up. I'd show you a picture of all this, but they haven't made a camera that can capture that much awesome in a single frame. Maybe in ten years.

Cryme Tyme and Kelly Kelly (call me?) beat The Miz, John Morrison and Jillian Hall. Intense tag team action.

Finally, Jericho has his poison and faces C.M. Punk. But wait!! Batista is the special referee. Oh man! Jericho was the special ref for Batista's match on the previous Raw, but now the foot is in the other shoe! The fans are totally behind this too, because when a heel does something underhanded to promote his agenda, that sucks. But when a face does something underhanded to that heel, well, that's justice my friend. And who's gonna tell Batista no?

There you go! Enjoy tonight at 9/8c on USA! USA! USA!