OH BABY, I like it RAW! vol. 21

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



What in the world did the last Raw in February have in store for us? Like week-old Valentine's Day chocolate, let's hold our nose and find out what's inside.

We get reminded that Orton kicked the McMahon's in the head. I'll tell you why I didn't mention Stephanie getting kicked. One, she deserved it. And two, if that overacting lummox Triple H shows up on Raw again, I'll belt him.

ACTING!

Let me pause for a second and note something of worth on the WWE website. Have you ever browsed the "Archives" section on the Raw page? I just had to to find that picture, because they only post the most recent show's photos on the photo page. And what did I discover? Someone over there at WWE.com is trying really hard to get me to love them. Here's some of the subtitles of recent shows:

Coast busted!
Missouri loves company
The son also rises
Merry Trish-mas to all (damn it, why didn't I think of that??!)
Exclamation punt

Seriously, these guys aren't screwing around. Good work gentlemen (I assume you're gentlemen since you work at WWE.com). Good work indeed.

Vickie Guerrero comes out to inform us that yes, once again, she's in charge. Oh, and Edge and Big Show have come along with her, because they have nothing better to do. Mr. Cena doesn't like this, and comes out to insult Canadians, fat people, and women in one fell swoop.

"Inbred, lazy, and ignorant."

He, of course, will be fighting one of them tonight.

CM Punk qualified for the next Money in the Bank match. Here's hoping he wins and turns it into another totally convincing run as champ. He beat out the Miz and John Morrison to get into the match. Honestly WWE, when are you going to give those two the props they deserve?

Whoops.

JBL and Shawn Michaels fought to see who would have to fight that big, dirty Commie next week who nosed his way in. Typical. The winner of THAT match will then go on to face the Undertaker at Wrestlemania. Out of the the three names listed, who do you think will go on to headline Wrestlemania 25 in Houston versus the Phenom?

If you picked JBL or Kozlov, you're dumb.


The match between Michaels and Kozlov will happen next week (tonight) here on Raw. How come all these Smackdown stars are showing up on Raw lately? Well, I imagine it's something like when you were in 5th grade, and they took you to see what high school was like, maybe even let you watch a class or see the football team practice. One day, guys. One day.

Mike Knox (OMG!) wrestled Jamie Noble. I mention this only because Noble nearly died while jobbing to Knox (O NOES!). Think about that. What if only his career was over? That's how you go out?

Steamboat came out. Why? Just so he can get insulted by Chris Jericho. This time, though, the Legend really stood his ground, pointing out that not too long ago, Jericho was one of these people he despises, "selling out" to the fans and signing autographs and the like. How did Jericho handle this well-reasoned counter-argument?


Well, when Vickie told Mr. Cena that he'd be facing her family tonight, it seems she wasn't talking about Edge at all. She was talking about Chavo! Oh man, let me go get some popcorn for this! Here we go...just press this "popcorn" setting on the micro wave and- DING DING DING! Hunh? The match lasted a minute? I would have never expected that...

Finally, Orton comes out to say something about how no one should be mad that he's kicked all the McMahon's in the head. Triple H isn't having any of that, and he comes down to the ring with a sledgehammer. Orton was also brandishing a sledgehammer, and even though he's flanked by Cody and Teddy Jr., he somehow convinces Trips they should both put their weapons down. HHH drops his. Orton drops his.

But wait!! What's that???

Yep! Trips pulled the old cartoon trick of having just what you need at any given moment behind your back. In this case, it was a second sledgehammer! He chases Legacy from the ring and smashes out one of their limo windows. Violence and mayhem!! Look for more tonight on the only place for such behavior, USA! at 9/8c!

Haas of muscles

We, the Laugh Twins, love to stay on top of the comings and goings of wrestlers in our respective neighborhoods. Never wanting to miss an opportunity to bring a story and a few pictures to you, dear reader, we love to make sure that no appearance goes at least unnoticed, and hopefully attended.

Imagine our delight, then, when we found out Seal of Awesomeness winner Charlie Haas and his wife, former diva Miss Jackie, were opening a store right in Laugh Twin Matt's backyard - Frisco, Texas! And then imagine, if you will, our dismay when we found out several hours too late.

On hand at the grand opening of the only "Custom Muscle" retail store were the aforementioned Mr. and Mrs. Haas, JBL and Matt Striker. Apparently the opening drew a pretty good crowd, and they were giving away free smoothies and samples! Good grief! We LOVE samples!

To illustrate just how badly LT Matt dropped the ball on this one, we'll provide you with a map showing just how much travel would have been needed. (Note: this will not direct you to Matt's house - no matter how bad you want it to):


That's about thirty miles. (Matt's note: Uh, yeah, on the tollway. Sheesh...)

Perusing the about us section of the website, we first notice that Umaga is in on this venture too. Guess you don't get much more custom than that. Also, they make liberal use of puns, one of our favorite things, and a big reason why Charlie Haas is so dear to our hearts. There's "JACKIE of all trades," "Haas of Pain," and "Haashold."

Their tagline is devilishly simple as well: "Customizing your Muscles needs." We'd say that just about sums it up.

So let's take a look at the products...here's something for liver health, something each of the Laugh Twins are sure to need after years of self-hate have turned into an alcohol problem. The first item on here is a 90-count bottle of Champion Liver Cleanse pills for $0.00. Sir, you have a deal!

Here's a tanning lotion called "Barely Legal."

For all your teen tanning needs!

The product description says,

Get a tan so dark it is almost illegal...

Well, now what does that mean? Is there something illegal about being dark-skinned??

Above: felony

Alright, look, we know our audience, so let's just get what we've been looking for since you heard her mentioned. All over the site, there are links to Miss Jackie's page, JustJackieHaas.com. We'd say go check it out yourself, but it's absolutely a pain to navigate, so don't go expecting a Jackiepot. (<--more puns!)
We can think of a couple other "Jackie" puns...that's exJackiely what we needed!




And eJackielation.