W.W.W. featuring Chris Jericho and Chris Jericho

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your DIY Hurricane costume how-to ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.


Matt's video to Adam- Rowdy Roddy Piper and Chris Jericho Promo



Adam's response...

Before we get into all the shenanigans, let's put one thing to rest, Terri. Chris Jericho's chances of becoming the Intercontinental champion are 1 in 9. That's just basic math there, sweet tits.

I respect her for her brains

And also to answer your next question, Jericho didn't win. He lost to Christian. Roddy Piper also lost his match to Mr. America, so I think it's time the two of theme learned a lesson.

Side note: Judgement Day 2003 had to have been the PPV of double duty. Steven Richards wrestled on Heat and then accompanied Victoria to the ring for penultimate match of the night. Test had a tag match with Scott Steiner and then participated in the aforementioned battle royal. Val Venis was also in that match, which makes no sense, except that it was a battle royal for former IC champs. Because why give someone new a break? John Cena also jerked the curtain as a heel and beat Brian "Spanky" Kendrick in a six-man tag. Were we ever so young?

Oh sure, being loud and funny may get you a swank talk show segment. It might sell tee-shirts with the words "Ass Clown" or "Piper's Pit!" on them, but in the end you don't win. These men could also learn a bit about listening.

Seriously. this isn't a conversation. It's just two people waiting for the other one to shut up so that they can talk about themselves! This is essentially the script:

Piper: Your Highlight Reel sucks.
Jericho: You abused an amputee. You're fat.
Piper: You were an accident.
Jericho: I'm going to win the battle royal.
Piper: I'm going to beat Hogan. We don't have anything in common.

Well, that I agree with.


Adam's video to Matt - Chris Jericho gets a letter from Ted Turner



Matt's response...

Good Lord, Tony Schiavone is a fat slob. Seriously. Look at him.


Now, I know he was never a picture of perfect health, but at least he had himself together back in the NWA days. Of course, I suppose you'd have to if you're going to stand next to Ric Flair every night. That would inspire any of us to get in shape.

Spiderman, before meeting Ric Flair.

But in WCW? Well, Tony just decided not to give a rip. True, no one was ever going to mistake the guy for a ladykiller, but he put "looking middle-aged" into overdrive in a hurry.

He's killed more ladies than Schiavone. Figuratively and literally.

Tony pulls a few classic fat guy poses, too.

There's the "What do you mean you're out of pancakes?" look:


And then the "You're not really asking me to get tampons, are you?" look:


Finally, the "I just passed gas and hope no one notices" look:


His hair isn't doing him any favors either. I guess WCW spent all their money and time tending to Jericho's blonde locks.

As far as the subject of the video is concerned, I think this just proves what was wrong with WCW - Ted Turner notices a clear violation of the rules, admits there is a phony champion, and chooses to do nothing about for petty personal reasons. Good job in failing your company, Uncle Ted!

W.W.W. featuring a WCW dance-off and the Undertaker in public

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your hype video for the Hogan/Flair Australia tour ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- WCW: Ernest Miller vs Disco Inferno In A Dance Contest



Adam's response...

"I'm the greatest! Hit me! One! Two! One-two-three-four!"

That phrasing should accompany me everywhere I go. It's not like Ernest "The Cat" Miller is using it anymore. No sir, he's too busy killing Rammy "The Ram" Rammerson.

However, there was a time when he did have a legitimate claim to this phrase. Back in 2000, in the Dubya See Dubya. Now, I'm sure some of you may be snickering at this video. Murmuring to yourself about how this indicative of all things stupid WCW. And it is. But not for the reasons your thinking.

Is a dance contest stupid? Sure. But it's no dumber than any other time filler, mid-card segment we've seen or will ever see. No, the reason it's stupid is because no one can be bothered to even sell it like it's remotely cool. Let's start with LOL, Wresslin' favorite Tony Schiavone.

(l-r) Blabber-mouthed idiot, mush-mouthed idiot

He never knows what's going on! And not in that cool "Did Goldberg just literally kill a man?" way, but in the "Fuck it. I don't need to read a script. I'll just interrupt David Crockett whenever I want to" kind of way. Here's the direct quote.

"Now I uh...I'm going to be very honest with you fans. I...I know there's a dance contest. I don't know, I don't know who's going to be judging this. I don't know if it's the Nitro Girls are going to be judging the dance contest, or we've got a hand, or what's going to happen, but we're going to see some dancin'..."

Wow. You're actually dumber then John Madden, Tony.

"The team that scores more points usually wins! Right?"

Another dumb thing is WCW's stupid way of naming things. Calling an Asian dude "Sonny Ono" is not a clever pun! It's just taking a letter of a more famous person's name! Or Disco Inferno! What a dumb name that was!

Well, it's not totally dumb. For a gimmick of a disco dancer (which got more over then it had any right to), it's a decent name. It conveys what the gimmick is while bringing back fond memories of a Trammps song. What makes no sense is the name with his theme music. Sure, "Disco Inferno" is a song with a probably pretty hefty licensing fee. I get that. Use a knock off called "Disco Fever." But then call the character "Disco Fever!" It still conveys the same thing and the song makes more sense! Jesus Bischoff, what were you thinking back in 1995 when you booked this tripe!!?

Oh yea...

As for the actual dance contest, well I think it was legit. Nick Patrick's mullet called a fair match. Sure, The Cat had some flashy moves, but he failed the simple rule of dancing; stay in rhythm with the music! He just kind of moved his feet. Disco Inferno, despite just doing rudimentary disco moves, at least worked within the beat. He should have won and did. Of course, the main meat of the segment was The Cat's beat down of Disco after he lost, thereby continuing their feud and making me want to buy a PPV.

Oh wait. The camera/director were too enamored with the Nitro Girls' tits. Silly me. Why would I ever want to see the action in the ring?

Eh, I can't blame them.

Adam's video to Matt - Undertaker and Paul Bearer on TV



Matt's response...

Ah, the good ol' days, when wrestlers could come out in public in character. I'm glad those days are over.

Yes, we all look fondly on wrestling when we were younger; when we thought it was all real. In some ways, they were better. We enjoyed it more. We had more at stake. People's lives hung in the balance, and wrestlers like the Undertaker could cast magic at will.

But then you get situations like this. Where not only do Undertaker and Paul Bearer have to go out and act, so do Regis and Kathy Lee. They have to ask what's in the urn. They have to feign fear of the Tombstone piledriver. Regis has to pretend he's trapped in a casket.

All for what? I'll be honest - I didn't watch this show when I was growing up. I don't watch it now. I'm not in what you would say is their demographic, and I would imagine that's remained pretty much unchanged from when this segment aired. So who are they selling this match to? The elderly? Stay-at-home moms? The unemployed?? Ok, I'll believe that last one.

Like I said earlier, this just proves that things that happen on Earth-53 should stay on Earth-53. The Undertaker is one of those characters that should exist in the WWE Universe only, because otherwise, he's not scary. He's just dumb. And Paul Bearer isn't creepy. He's just a sex offender.


I'll tell you the best thing about this video though. We see the first iteration of one of my favorite WWE products: the wrestler teddy bear. And this one is just flat-out awesome.

W.W.W featuring The Godfather and The Four Horsemen

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your ironic rap video about Buff Bagwell a'int going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- The Godfather Crashng (sic) WWE Wedding



Adam's response...

Do you need more proof that WWE is its own planet? Look no further then their treatment of weddings. Weddings on earth-53 take about...three weeks to prepare. And they occur after about a solid...seven weeks of dating. And they always happen in the arena, in the middle of the ring. Think about that for a second. WWE is a nationally touring company that books their shows many months in advance. Yet somehow, they can make the arraignments to usurp television/event time to hold a private ceremony? Money, let alone logistics, must be insane to make that happen! Even with an employee discount!

About the actual wedding; it's always the main event of the show. As it should be. But is it really the best thing for this, the most sanctimonious of days? People were bleeding and sweating in that thing literally twenty minutes before the ceremony! And how come there is hardly any friends and family there? Just other wrestlers! And how do they determine which side the guests sit on if everyone is all a coworker!? And they're all dressed like crap! Boys, this is a wedding, not some club. Wear a suit. Now, a tux may be a bit too formal if you're not in the party, but you can wear a tie at least. It's a little sad when The Godfather is the most appropriately dressed for this function.

A baseball cap, Trevor? Really?

I know it's usually fine for a military man to wear his officer's uniform to formal events, but somehow I don't think "camo tee shirt" is acceptable.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan's 2X4 is better dressed more appropriately than you are, Kenny Dykstra.

I'll give Hornswaggle a pass. He's wearing a jacket and vest, and I imagine finding clothes is hard for him.

Clearly, this is every little girl's dream wedding. It's like she's a princess!

The next step is for the Godfather to come out just when the reverend was going to wed the happy couple. Perfect timing, almost as if it was planned for full dramatic effect. Many men rejoiced at the sound of his familiar Wah pedal.

Side note: We may have another fantastic exchange to accompany "Hold my money, Kanyon." JBL is doing his best Jerry Lawler impression when The Godfather comes out. Michael Cole is playing the straight man (kinda) in their pairing, and says "How many times have you been divorced." JBL's immediate reply? "Several." Brilliant in it simplicity, simple in its elegance, elegant in its brilliance.

Now for those not familiar with The Godfather, he was a pretty hot character in the late 90's during the "Attitude" era. In case watching the video left too much subtly, he was essentially portraying a pimp. As a pimp, he is forced to confront his old rival, Monogamy. So he offers an old, bald man the chance to pay for one night with a few "8's" over a lifetime of banging this and having her make him a sandwich on occasion. Teddy Long isn't Smackdown GM for nothing, and wisely turns down the Godfather's offer. However, The Godfather is not done. He then offers the "Ho Train" to all the other male wrestler (who are totally straight). They rejoice.

"Yea, I knew being a wrestler would finally get us some sweet tang!"

Here's the problem. There are at least forty dudes here. Maybe five women. Not a lot to go around, fellas. But what's even better is how all the Divas (and female guests) are horrified by the behavior of The Godfather and his influence.


The one in blue is Brooke Adams. She was on ECW for a hot second and had the gimmick of "girl who is into The Miz" (a performance she should have won an Emmy for). Are you really so upset that some douchebag took part in douchebaggery? I used the finest research tools a my disposal, and I have to ask: is being around The Godfather more demeaning then placing in Miss Hawaiian Tropic and Miss Bikini USA model searches? Where the entire point is objectification of women? You know (tm) Brooke, they say people in glass houses...

Of course, this wouldn't be WWE if we didn't end on a hilarious joke. Gerald Brisco wants to join the Ho Train, but Pat Patterson holds him back? Why would he do that? Is Patterson some sort of gay?

Oh, he is? Really? He's actually an open homosexual who is also a high ranking official in an industry that presents that lifestyle in a negative aspect? He should actually be viewed as a model of courage. dignity, and class? His life story is interesting? Well you don't say...

Adam's video to Matt - Brian Pillman joins the Four Horseman



Matt's response...

Let me just say that it's always nice to see a little Tony Schiavone in a video. He doesn't really do much here, but he's still nice to have around; like an old dog that lays at your feet.

Here, however, I will focus on the three centerpieces of this video, in a little segment I call "Crazy, Crazier and Craziest."

Crazy - Arn Anderson

Now, you may think it a little odd to call Arn Anderson "crazy." After all, he keeps his stuff together and simply cuts a nice promo putting over the Horseman. Pretty simple, right? Well, for the sake of the bit, I couldn't call it "Somewhat Normal, Crazier and Craziest," so just go with me here.

You do need to question the mental capacity of someone that rides with the likes of these other two. Something must not be right up there. Also, Arn invokes "pure mathematics and the law of physics" in their victory over Sting. Tell me that's not at least a little crazy.

The Fourth Horseman.

Crazier - Brian Pillman

Judging by this video, some my disagree with not giving the ultimate crazy honors to Mr. Pillman, but honestly, who was going to unseat Flair? Aside from that, Flyin' Brian more than earns the title, and you can look at it more like a 1-A/1-B situation.

First, Pillman basically admits to conspiracy to commit murder, saying that Flair "cut Sting's throat" and then excidely describing the "carnage that ensued." No one seems that concerned that a man was killed in the middle of the ring, but I think this is something that should be investigated. We have a taped confession. This should be a slam-dunk.

Also, I can't prove this, but I think some gangs also call themselves a "dynasty," so that doesn't really explain that characterization away.

Finally, he does this:

This during Arn's time on the mic. I kind of feel bad for Arn, because this dude is crawling about the ring and acting a general fool.

However, he can't nearly equal our final entry for tonight...

Craziest - Ric Flair

Effectively the craziest person to ever have a wrestling microphone shoved in their face. Some may argue that title goes to Shawn Stasiak, New Jack or even the Ultimate Warrior. But there's a difference between "crazy" and "insane," at least for the purposes of this article.

Allow me to provide a transcript of his first moments on the mic:

ARN

And you know what that means...Tell 'em Naitch!

ARN and RIC clasp hands in a show of friendship and solidarity.

RIC

Speaks gibberish

RIC runs from one end of the ring to the other, strutting in between and forcing others out of the way.

Ric is so crazy, that he distracts Schiavone while he's interviewing Arn Anderson.

And, in the true mark of a crazy person, Ric fails to indicate where his similes end, inevitably leading me to believe that all of the Horsemen are in town, ready to "go to work" on every woman they meet. Though, I suppose that's not all that far fetched.

W.W.W featuring Paul E. Dangerously & Tony Schiavone and Andre the Giant

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your compilation of every superkick ever delivered ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam - Paul E. Dangerously and Tony Schiavone host WCW



Adam's response...

The more and more I think about it, the more and more I like the idea of the studio show. It makes things seem a little more legitimate. Like we are actually watching a sports telecast, and we have the halftime crew who can sit there and break things down, tell us what's going on, etc. I know that the product now likes to be "spontaneous", but all that does is further make things look phonier.

Regardless, the NWA/WCW has their main event on TBS Superstation, hosted by our favorite, interrupting broadcaster Tony Schivone. And he has a special guest this week, none other then Paul E. Dangerously (the E stands for EXXXTREME!). Paul here decides to give Tony some of his own medicine, consistently cutting off this imbecile, serving only his own needs. He's cutting promos on Jim Cornette, citing how Cornette will be gone from the NWA. I don't quite know why he's bragging about wearing a cast or sling, but he sure seems gleeful that he'll have his phone with him. He's serious too. He'll even invoke the help of "you know who." I certainly do, Paul. I mean, I'm not a praying man, but Superman, if you can hear Paul, please help him out at Chi-Town Rumble '89!

Our second segment has Schivone plugging the big title match between Ric Flair and Ricky Steamboat at the aforementioned Chi-Town Rumble (not exactly royal, is it?). Here's where Paul E. takes issue. He rightfully believes in Ric Flair's championship reign, but doesn't have a clue as to how Steamboat got a title shot. He says that Steamboat came out of nowhere to attack Flair. He's never heard of such a thing. Well pro wrestling must have been way different in 1989, because this is pretty much the way things are done now.

Oh wait. Things aren't any different. Busy body Schivone decided to tattle on Paul and remind him that that was actually how Paul E. debuted in the NWA. Well exccuuuuusssseee me! Still, Paul takes it in stride, saying that a good idea will always be stolen. This is consistent with Paul E.'s future, as pretty much every idea and concept he ever had was stolen by more successful people. Well, except for that mullet.

The best part of this entire video is when Paul decides to be all slick and throw his phone in the air and catch it. Of course he fails and the phone hits the floor and rolls away. You can stop holding your breath because the phone is fine. Why wouldn't it be fine? It's a brick. Look at that thing. But that's not why it's great. What made it so great is that this was clearly filmed in one take. No re-dos. Just get the message across and we'll tell you when we're stopping tape. This kinda of professionalism is single handily what makes pro wrestling so great and so reviled at the exact same time. I love it.

Anyway, the third segment opens up with some obtuse thinking. Schivone says "People have always wondered, and I, being a person has wondered-" Woah. Aren't we all people, man? That's just far out? Existential. Trippy. What is it we all wonder, Moon Flower? What is THE BIG QUESTION, Star Sailor?

Is your telephone loaded?

Oh. No, I've actually never wondered that. I just assumed it was, considering how he uses it as a weapon in the ring. Paul acts coy and says that Tony can examine the phone, but keep in mind, that this is not the same phone he brings to the ring (wink)! Ah, so Paul indicts himself and admits to cheating. Wouldn't that be a clear violation of his NWA contract? Get Jim Crockett on the phone!

He uses this tough guy pastiche to go into one final tirade against Jim Cornette, promising that Cornette will lose the match, and thus leaving town. He even begins to brag that he's in the best shape of his life. Really? Really? Yikes. Although, maybe he's right:

Paul today. Yeeessshhh.

Adam's video to Matt - Andre the Giant drinking alcohol



Matt's response...

"Anybody want a peanut?"

That's a BIG peanut...

There aren't a whole lot of wrestlers more legendary than Andre the Giant. In fact, I would say aren't ANY more legendary. We're obviously huge marks for the likes of Roddy Piper and Ric Flair, and while those two certainly have a more than their share of road tales, but there's a unique aura about Andre. He so familiar to us, yet so foreign at the same time. The autobiographies of any wrestler that spent time with him includes at least a chapter on the man. Even the related videos on YouTube are filled with "The time Andre did this..." and "Random Andre tale..."

(There's also this one, titled "first shot of alcohol," where a girl stands in a kitchen and most certainly does not take a shot of alcohol. The description simply says, "you decide!" Well, what in the hell are we supposed to decide? If it's her first shot of alcohol? She never takes it! So I wouldn't know. I decided that you're an idiot. How's that?)

This one recounts what I'm sure a lot of us have heard: Andre drinks. A LOT.

How much is "a lot"? Well, they mention the time he drank over a hundred beers in a single sitting. To put that into perspective, here's me after four beers...

Try and guess which one I am...

Modern Drunkard magazine (greatest thing ever?) posted an article dedicated only to the Giant. In it, they include some other stories, like the time he drank an entire case of wine. Again, I think we need to illustrate that.

Here's a bottle of wine:

Nice bottle of WINE, dumbass

Here's what normal people look like after a bottle of wine:


Here's a case of wine:


Here's Andre the Giant after a case of wine:


I think we can all agree that Andre the Giant was taken from us far too soon. But if he had lived longer, we'd be facing a severe alcohol shortage and would have to drink moonshine and look like this...


R.I.P. Big Guy.