R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Royal Bumblef*ck

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.


Ok, so we pretty much recapped all of the Rumble the other day. No need to make hilarious recaps since it's all there already! Still, here are a few of my Rumble observations.


He's bit of getting on the mic after every elimination was brilliant. It's a shame that there were only 90 second intervals rather then the full two minutes because parts of it felt rushed. It's also a shame that he got eliminated as early as he did. I'm not saying he should have won (well, not specifically), I'm not even saying the mic bit needed to last all night. But it seemed that as soon as HHH came out he was eliminated. In fact...

A lot of people were eliminated quickly this year.

We didn't really get a marathon man as has become custom with the Rumble. Again, I nominate CM Punk for this role. Or at least Ted Dibiase. Alas, no one really got time to hang out. One group who got no time:



And finally...




That's about it. Be sure to watch all the fallout tonight at 8/7c on MyNetwork TV. Or do it like me and watch it some other time on hulu.com!


Yes, you see the Devils recently acquired Illya Kovalchuk, only one of the most dynamic scorers in all of the NHL. They NEVER make moves like this! It's so exciting! The deal was amazing too!

They got Kovalchuk, the man who has scored the most goals since 2001, for Jhonny Oduya, Nicolas Bergfors, Patrice Cormier, and a first rounder? The Devils also got a serviceable D-Man back as well? What a fleecing! Oduya is a good enough NHL defenseman, but he's over payed and has played ass this year. And of course, Paul Martin is due back soon, so any problems with Oduya's departure will quickly be rectified. Bergfors is a nice enough rookie, but he's slumped the last few months, and he's one of those rookies who should have made the team two years ago. Consider me skeptical of his long-term success. Cormier is another good prospect (he captained Team Canada at the World Juniors this year), but I wouldn't say he'd ever be better than a third line center. He's also suspended for the remainder of the season for nearly killing a guy on the ice. We'll see how he bounces back.

So yea, all that garbage for ILYA KOVALCHUK!?! You can understand why I have to watch the game.

Oh interns at devils.nhl.com...I love you

Oh wait, why can't I watch Smackdown on my DVR replay like I usually do? Because there's also a 2 hour Smallville event title "Absolute Justice" tonight! The friggin' JSA! Hourman! Dr. Fate! Atom Smasher! All in live action, Smallville glory! I can't miss that either. Take a seat, Smackdown.

You can watch the Devils host the Toronto Maple Leafs at 7 o'clock on MSG + and Smallville at 8/7c on The CW! OR NEVER AGAIN BECAUSE THESE ARE ONE TIME ONLY EVENTS!

Yes, this is our new meme.

OH BABY, I like it Raw! The Royal Stumble

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Well, I'm back from my first annual late-January blogging break! Missed me? Of course you did. I'd say that was a stupid question, but we all know there's no such thing as a stupid question, unless you're the one asking.

Like this one: "Matt, are you going to provide a 10,000 word recap of the Raw happenings during the Royal Rumble pay-per-vew?" Yes, that is a stupid question, because I absolutely will not. We already did that during our special live blog/team-building experiment with fellow blogger (or bloggette?) Ray from Wrestlegasm. Consequently, I will not be giving you a blow by blow account of what happened. That's what YouTube and people who don't give a shit about copyrights are for.

However, a couple of important team squabbles went down that should be mentioned. First is DX. You see, both were in the 30-man Royal Rumble match, and both had aspirations of getting a Wrestlemania title shot. Triple H because, well, he's Triple H, and Shawn Michaels because that's the only way he thinks he can get a rematch with the Undertaker. A little backstage vignette showed us that there could be trouble if Trips and HBK were left unattended in the ring together, since they both made it clear they would be looking out for number one, just like every other tag team that's ever participated in the Rumble since the beginning of ever.

Fast forward to the match, and even though there are other people in the ring for him to fight, the Heart Break Kid went ahead and proved he was a man of his word.



Expect some smushing together of foreheads over this.

In our other Raw news, there was some speculation leading up to the WWE Title match as to whether Legacy would have Randy Orton's back when he went up against Sheamus. During the match, Cody tried to prove he's a team player by smacking the champ around. However, since the Code is severely lacking in ninja skills, he was spotted.

This is also your Cody Rhodes photoshop contest.

Of course, this led to a win for Sheamus by DQ. Randy wasn't happy with Cody, and he expressed his discontent with his fists. Henchmodel Teddy ran down to cool the situation with more yelling, and he got smacked around for his efforts as well. So it looks as if Legacy is more like History as of last night.

Alright, that's the stuff you need to know to be caught up for tonight at 9/8c on USA! Unless of course you're watching 24, in which case, GO JACK!

W.W.W. featuring Headlock on Hunger and Kelly Kelly

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your custom Bret Favre titantron isn't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.


Matt's video to Adam- WWF Headlock on Hunger!


Adam's response...

Right now there is a lot of attention placed on charity and social activism, so it's of little surprise that Matt sent me this video about WWF's charitable endeavors. Don't worry. I won't be making any Haiti jokes. Not because I find them inappropriate, but because I'm really not clever enough to come up with anything funnier than "Earthquake, lulz."

Still, even the Laugh Twins have a bit of a conscious and I find it a tad tacky to talk about the deaths of seven million people (lulz?), so just know that there are many ways to donate and we won't link to them because, well what's the point? If you come here for breaking news on Haiti, well, thanks, I guess.

On to the topic at hand! Headlock on Hunger!

(t-b) Headlock, hunger

As far as charity drives go, this one sucks. It just seems as if no one has a clue what to do. Take a look at our opener, Tatanka:

"This is Tatanka, and my people speak to the Great Spirit for blessings! We at the World Wrestling Federation appreciate your help for people that are less fortunate than us. Lets get a hold on headlock for hunger! YIYIYIYIYIYIYYYYI!"

That first sentence has nothing to do with anything. And then he gets the slogan wrong, by saying "get a hold on headlock for hunger!." But you know (tm) what the real travesty is? This is pretaped! Someone could easily have said "Hey Chris, umm, let's do that again. And it's 'Put a Headlock on Hunger!' Ok, Headlock on Hunger promo take two and....action!" But nope, they just did one.

The second stars of this were of course Paul Bearer and The Undertaker. Apparently all the hungry people dying in Somalia are causing the Undertaker to have too much of a workload so he needs these people to eat a sandwich. Way to trivialize a very serious issue, Titan Sports.

Of course, the next great star of this piece is none other than Irwin R Shyster, IRS himself!

Scott Hall thinks that that is his bar tab

Look at him, staring at that huge, tax deductible check. He's so angry. Oooo, the heel heat he must be getting right now! If anything, he wants Somalia to job to hunger!

But the real stars of this piece? Why, all the champions in the crowd.


Seriously, if any of these greedy asses would stop buying gold belts and donate that money Somalia could eat for a decade.


Adam's video to Matt - Kelly Kelly trying to be a news anchor



Matt's response...


I suppose a little bit of disclosure is needed here. I've just been terrible at providing content this week. I didn't get up a recap on Monday and even this bit is late. I could blame it on a number of different things that I've had to deal with this week (not the least of which was my birthday on Monday - thanks for the well wishes, readers! /sarcasm), but honestly, it's just poor time management. For that....well, I'm not really all that sorry. What do you want for free comedy? Pay me, and then we'll start to talk priorities.

On to the video. Anyone remember Channel One? I'm not sure how ubiquitous that was, but if you went to school with me, you knew about Channel One. Quite simply, it was a short news program for kids in school. The good part was we got to take time out of our day to watch the thing, and it wasn't necessarily that bad. A lot of big talent either came up through Channel One, or lended their time to it, like Anderson Cooper, Dan Rather, Maria Menounos (former Raw co-host!) and Lisa Ling. Essentially, it was a dumbed down news show which attempted to keep you up-to-date with world events, and would also include little bits about "cool" sports and "fun" activities.

Excuse me while I make a masturbatory motion with my hand in mid-air.

Somehow I can't help but wonder what would have happened to Kelly Kelly had she gone the Channel One route. We'd have to work with her delivery though...

Let's bring that paper down just a bit, k?

Overall, I guess I would give her a B- on this performance, greatly held up by the fact that she's stupid hot.

Now, as for "This is Genius"? I think I might disagree with that title. Cute enough idea for a bit, I guess, but in the end, what do you have? A couple of people cracking up over a story about tanning salons. Wooo-hoo. That's good television, hipster lumberjack.

He's ok.

At the very least, have her read a story that you can later edit to make it sound like she said something dirty to you. Now that would be genius, my friend. "This is Amateur" is what the show should be called.

Or Wrestlegasm.

OH BABY, I like it Raw! The one with Bret Hart

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Clearly the most important thing that happened on Raw last week was Bret Hart coming back to guest host the show. So I'm going to cover those segments in depth here, and the rest of the stuff will skim over. Really, it didn't matter all that much anyway.

Bret opens the show, looking more like Owen these days, and immediately gets down to calling out Shawn Michaels. It seems Shawn had a little something to do with this thing in Montreal in 1997.

The jean shorts are the only thing that look good about him.

For the most part, Bret kept himself together and managed to keep his stroke at bay.

Shawn came out, and rather than being apologetic about the whole thing, told Bret that he pretty much had it coming. That's how you start putting the past behind you, Shawn.

"You screwed me." "Eh, you deserved it. We cool?"

However, they were able to make some ground. Shawn told Bret he respected him and always looked back fondly on their matches. They finally shook hands, and after a moment, hugged...like two robots that haven't been oiled in a very long time.

"This wasn't in the script."

Bret then called out Vince McMahon, but he didn't come out because, come on, we gotta have something to do later in the show, right?

Mayse beat up Brie Bella, but who didn't see that coming? Brie has spent the last several months attached to the hip of every guest host that's come through. The only reason she didn't escort Bret around is because he's the only one that more than likely would have sex with her. MVP won a Fatal Four-Way against Mark Henry, Carlito and Jack Swagger to become the number one contender for the U.S. title. Ballin'.

DX beat Jeri-Tall, which now means Jericho is somehow banned from Raw. Didn't this happen before? I fail to see how this changes anything, but I guess we all know the first banning is just a suggestion anyway. As a side note, Jericho tried to enlist the help of Bret Hart, whom he wanted to serve as guest referee. Then Bret could screw over Shawn and the whole thing could have a nice conclusion. Bret declined, saying he only participates in storylines where he's the martyr.

Evan Bourne faced the WWE Champion Sheamus. Bourne was promised a title shot at the Royal Rumble if he could beat Sheamus that night. Any guesses on how this one turned out? Put your bets in now...

3...

2...

1...

Bourne lost. Sorry to the none of you that lost that bet.

Finally, we get Randy Orton versus Kofi Kingston, but this is the normal Orton/Kingston match you've become accustomed to over the past however long this feud has been going on. No, henchmodels Ted DiBiase, Jr. and Cody Rhodes set up this little match to test Orton. If Randy loses, he's kicked out of the Legacy and they're going to kick his ass. This is retribution for last week (two weeks ago!) when Randy did the same thing to them.

Randy won, and I'm sure that those two brainiacs will figure out that you can't really threaten the boss and expect to get away with it. Even though that's what people do in the WWE every stinking day.

To end the show, Vince McMahon comes to the ring and calls down Bret Hart. What's going to happen??!

Well, Vince says he's still mad about getting spit on over 12 years ago, but he also says that he was proud of Bret and that Bret was one of the best ever. Having felled the Hitman enough to get him to shake hands, the two exchanged a professional pump of the hands and then celebrated together.

Please hold for the eventual swerve...

THERE IT IS!

That's right. Vince kicked Bret! Vince kicked Bret! And this time, McMahon can't spin it as "Bret kicked Bret" because we have photographic proof! Tune in for "Iron" Mike Tyson, 20 years past his prime, hosting Raw tonight! USA, 9/8c!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Time to Rumble

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

It's 2010 here on Smackdown! Everyone's hung over and can't put much thought into what to do! Let's phone it in and have a Beat the Clock challenge all show.

Yes, what is a more objective and fair way to determine a number one contender then by having a series of matches and the fastest match is the winner of the slot? Oh, you mean any other way? Yes, that would be fairer, but this is what we got.

Although in fairness, they did finally put logic into play and make it open to all the competitors in the matches, not just the four main eventers. Anyway, our first match had former World Champion CM Punk taking on the brother of a TNA main eventer/ future felon, Matt Hardy!

Enjoy the last offense you'll ever get, Jobby.

In case you don't know the rules of the Beat the Clock challenge, allow the interns of WWE.com to enlighten you:

Way to explain the rules on slide #11. And with a picture of a time consuming rest hold, no less.

Of course, one guy is an example of a drug free industry and one guy routinely pisses off management with his antics. And his brother totally burned WWE. So take one guess how this one played out.

Get used to being tea bagged/shit on for the rest of your career, Angelic Diablo.

On a side note: Jeff Hardy will take a job just to get Shannon Moore a job in TNA, but he won't think about the repercussions on his own brother?

To break up the clock action, John Morrison got his rematch with Drew McIntyre for the Intercontinental championship! High flying kicks abound!


These two have been feuding ever since Vince McMahon anointed McIntyre a "future champion", and neither have taken a break from it for the last few months. Don't believe me? Check in with the interns.

Yea, no one watches Superstars

So somehow Morrison got disqualified in the match, giving McIntyre the win, ergo ending the feud, right? Champion successfully defends in the rematch, time to move on. Maybe Mike Knox (OMG!!!) deserves a shot at championship gold? Wait, what's this?

The face throws a temper tantrum?

Oh, that makes sense. Total sense.

Back to the clock! If you ever are scratching your head on what match to throw in the middle of the show, just putting Chris Jericho and Rey Mysterio in the ring is never a bad idea. The two of them bring the best out of each other, possibly due to all those Hart Dungeon training sessions Rey snuck into from El Undergroundo Railrodeo to el Canadas (I could have possibly made that up). Normally, their matches are technically sound and fast, but this time Jericho decided to go the complete opposite way and do his Lex Luger impression!


Which is really poor, because this is a far more accurate Luger impression.


Anyway, the interns show their stupidity again and Rey Mysterio won.

For the last time: 619 is just an area code. You can't call anyone just by dialing "619." Stop with the phone cracks.

This time BEAT CM PUNK's time by one measly second! WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT?!!?

All this talk about CM Punk and clocks is giving me a raging boner. I really gotta nut. Oh, I know how to take care of that. A Divas match! Beth Phoenix and Mickie James wrestled to see who will be the #1 contender for Michelle McCool's Women's championship! And she was at ringside being all pro-Phoenix with her best gal pal, Layla. They go by the name "Team Lay-Cool" which makes sense, but is an ultimately terrible and worthless name.

Those legs make everything ok though

This lead to Mickie getting the win. The Glamazon did not appreciate this and begging to beat the holy hell out of Michelle McCool while Mickie proved what an insecure fatty she is by going into a fat rage against Layla.




Yea, that happened too. Oh well, send us out on a high note, boys.

"Piggie James <3 Food" is a brilliant slogan

In our final clock match, R-Truth took on TEH ANIMALE!!!, Batista. Disappoint me again, interns.

What gave you that idea, interns? Was it how his shirt says "WHAT'S UP!"? Or how his song is just the words "What's up?!" over and over again? Or maybe how he says "What's up!?" every time he gets on the mic. Seriously interns, I expected better.

This match was marred by Rey Mysterio hanging out at ringside and a Divas grade of offense.


Still, the unearthed fury of an animal walking alone into a pit of danger was too much for Mr. Truth, as he spine was LITERALLY busted.


That's it! Batista/Undertaker for the title at the Rumble! I can't wait! What's this?!

Rey Mysterio: Best heel in the game

Rey Mysterio..cheated!?!? What's up with the faces acting like d-bags?! Where is your honor, Rey Rey? Who would ever of thought that a man named Mysterio would have shady motives? Something must be done!


Oh thank heavens! Vickie Guerrero won't let this stand. So we'll have another #1 contenders match, tonight! Batista and Rey! Where? MyNetworkTV! When? 8/7c! Or whenever over at hulu.com!

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Swingin' the big Timba

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



There's a lot of talk about what's going down in the wrestling world tonight, but before we can get there, we have to take a trip down memory lane. So hop in the WABAC machine, and let's set the dial to one week ago...

TOO FAR! WE'VE GONE TOO FAR!!!

We start the night with Cena demanding that he get a rematch with Sheamus for the WWE Title. Sheamus, knowing that a mid-carder can only hold the championship so long, was smart and declined the challenge. However, Cena remembered that this is the WWE, and if you can't get your point across with words, it most certainly can be communicated with violence.


So we're set for a rematch later in the evening.

Randy Orton decided that the other members of Legacy are going to have to do something other than look good if they are going to continue to be his backup (the Laugh Twins, however, don't have such harsh standards, so Teddy, if you're looking for future endeavors, we'll entertain your application. Not you though, Cody. We're fairly certain your mom was drinking while you were in the womb).

So Ted DiBiase, Jr. is going to have to prove his worth by facing Evan Bourne while Randy watches ringside. This worked out for Teddy by not just giving him the opportunity to show off his skills, but also to promote The Marine 2: Marinier, which is out on DVD now.


Ted won the match, so he gets to keep kissing Orton's ass.

Next up was Cody Rhodes. Now, I'm not a betting man, but if I had to guess as to which member of Legacy that Randy Orton was hoping to be rid of, I'd say it's Cody. Not judging from his past performance, of course, but rather his chosen opponent. You see, Ted had to face this joker...


...while Cody had to face this one...

It's like Santa Claus ate Santa Claus. Oh, and turned black.

Somehow, Cody was able to win, proving once again that Mark Henry is nothing more than a plot device.

Maryse was looking to exact some revenge after Kelly*2 pinned her last week and won the Santa's Little Helper match. We can see how a loss in that match would be a thorn in anyone's side. So we're stuck at a fork in the road in this match, seeing as how we typically cheer for whichever Diva is the hottest in any particular match. I guess we'll have to go for the tiebreaker and cheer for the one with the most cleavage.

Or maybe the one that pins like this.

Maryse picked up the win and then beat the crap out of K-Twice, proving that aggravated assault is ok if it's between two smoking hot women.

Mr. McMahon came out to announce that he wasn't going to accept Bret Hart's request to guest host an episode of Raw. Something tells me that Bret didn't so much request to guest host, but rather the WWE waved a huge wad of cash in his face, and Bret requested to have it. However it went down, Vince was not going to have that happen.

But then Shawn Michaels came out to request a rematch with the Undertake at Wrestlemania 26.


McMahon said that wasn't up to him, seeing as how he doesn't have any control over the Undertaker. Well, that's not a very good thing to admit. Why even have him on the payroll, or is he forcing you to do that as well? What a liability to a company to have an employee that can't be controlled whatsoever. I think I need to let E*Trade know there's a change of plans.

Shawn then decided that it would be a good idea for Bret to host Raw, and McMahon changed his mind as they exchanged a little glance. Are there ulterior motives at play? We'll let you be the judge.

Hint: there are

Kofi has finally decided to fight someone other than Randy Orton, and that person is the Miz. Excuse us while we express our excitement.


Of course, we aren't content to see just one bout, because if Kofi wins the first non-title match, he'll be granted an immediate second match for the United States Championship. This a gift from our guest host Timbaland.

Thanks for hosting Raw, Timbaland. Please enjoy your complimentary prostitutes.

In order to keep the drama going, Kofi wins the first one, and is set to win the second, when none other than that dastardly Orton came out to attack Kingston, causing him to win by DQ but not capture the title. Of all the low-down, dirty deeds...why Randy, I think you've gone too far!

"You don't even know how far I can go."

Chavo Guerrero continued filling the place of Chris Jericho in Jeri-Tall, which is as bad as Chavo filling in for anyone. Of course, because of him, they lost to DX.


Jericho was there, however. He'd gotten a front-row ticket, since he's no longer allowed on Raw. This after he stood outside the arena, asking fans to sign a petition so he could be reinstated to Monday Nights. This man hates Smackdown so much that he's willing to seek the support of the sycophantic hypocrites. That's telling.

DX said they'd face Jeri-Tall for the titles, as long as if Big and Rich loses, Jericho will stop trying to get back on Raw.

Now show yourself the door!

Finally, it's that big Cena and Sheamus rematch you've been waiting for, and guess what - it ended in a DQ. That's right, Sheamus grabbed the ref and that was all she wrote for that match. Naturally, Cena was upset and wanted to prove he could beat up the Celtic Pride anyway, so he dragged him back in the ring.

In an stunningly vivid proof of the old Irish saying "Don't start nuttin' if you don't want nuttin'," Sheamus leveled Cena with a boot to the head. Twice.

WWE.com intern Understatement of 2010

So there you have it. The stage is set for the return of the Hitman to Monday Night Raw this evening. And you didn't hear it from me, but apparently another sHOboating GArgantuaN is making an appearance on a different promotion that may or may not remind you of female body parts. Raw starts at 9/8c on USA.