Mr. Hogan seconds Mr. Roberts's motion

We're not going to bother with a clever introduction because today's news is sort of big. Mainstream big. You're a clever reader. We don't think we're going to lull you into "well what happened?" with some sort of dramatic tension introduction.

Yes, it's true. Hulk Hogan was on the Today show this morning [fun fact: did you know (tm) that Sigorney Weaver's father created the Today and Tonight show for NBC? It's true!)



What pray tell did the Hulkster have to say to Meridith Vieira? Well the Immortal One isn't all that immortal after all. He was depressed (serious ailment, no doubt) enough to actually be a danger to himself. Yes, he bravely went on TV to discuss his ailment and how close to the brink he was. He downed a whole bottle of the anti-depressant Xnaax and chased it down with some rum. A lethal combination to be sure. But just to be sure that the pills would perform their task, Hogan also put a gun in his mouth and squeezed the trig-


Oh thank heavens! Layla Ali (his co-host on the now defunct American Gladiators and boxing legend Muhammad Ali's daughter) happened to just call at exactly the right time. Just as his other friends, like Eric Bischoff or radio personality Bubba the Love Sponge, called. All because they were worried about Hollywood. It's truly an uplifting story of friendship and second chances. And a good thing too, because as good Christian boys, we don't think this would have applied if Hogan committed suicide. In all seriousness though, and we're being real here, we're very proud of your bravery there, Mr. Bollea.

Oh wait. He's promoting a book? Figures (he also said "like you know (tm)" more than Adam did in the entire Alleged LOLoCast.)

Yes, in true Hulk Hogan fashion he decided to drum up some interest in a new project he's in. But it didn't stop there. Turns out there was an even bigger announcement to be made later that day.

Well, maybe it's not THAT big...

Total Nonstop Action, desperate to replace a departing old timer who doesn't do jobs with an older timer who doesn't do jobs, has signed Hulk Hogan to the company. We now have something to write about for a year. This announcement was made in front of the steps of New York's Madison Square Garden, no doubt a slap in the face of WWE. However, one thing that is lost in all the hullabaloo is that Hogan isn't coming alone. He's bringing some controversy (that creates cash) with him.



Now, we're not sure if Easy E will be an on-screen character for TNA, but we do know that he'll increase the TNA brand. Turns out he's production company has had a pretty impressive resume of television shows in the last few years, and now he has a first look deal with TNA. Expect many reality shows about Hogan training to come back to the ring or Kevin Nash's rehab.

The jury is still out on whether this is a good idea or not, but we're still concerned about Hogan's mental state. He still has his divorce trials, and the Graziano family is about due for a large sum of money after the...unpleasantness. All that being said, take a look at this video from a year ago.



It's easy to call Hogan a fake, but we still choose to believe he wasn't completely joking about the suicide attempt (thank goodness for celebrity friends to name drop!) Even a year after that fateful night, the Hulkster sounds sad. Listen to how he said "Black Hand" in that promo. It had such..reverence.

For those not in the know, Black Hand is a Green Lantern villain who is obsessed with death. He sleeps in a grave. He's a necrophiliac. And also a cannibal.

He's also the head of the Black Lantern Corps, the main antagonists in the DC Comics' event Blackest Night. Yes, in the DCU (earths new-52) the dead are rising; is it possible that Hogan wishes to join the Black Lanterns? Does he wish to feast on all those delicious emotions that reside in the rest of the color spectrum? Only time will tell, but we know this much. The Green Lantern corps should make Orlando, FL the first stop in their Blackest Night investigation.

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Getting burned in the Miami heat

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

The great thing about this Sunday's PPV, Night of Champions, is that there is really little explaining to do. It's all title matches. So a handy recap of Kane and The Great Khali really isn't all that necessary, since neither are a champion, nor challenging a champion. Yes, they are essentially worthless right now.

So yes, tonight we are centering only in on the important stuff. Like our world champion, the straightedge CM Punk! He came out again to fulfill my wildest dream and shooting on Jeff Hardy.


Hardy's big response was "Nu-un! I never went to rehab!" Then he went back to the locker room for a quick bump. Punk then decided that the world champion should not only jerk the curtain, but come out for the match first, because lo an behold, recent LOL, Wresslin' favorite, John Morrison shows up for a one on one affair with the champ!

Morrison and Punk have had a consistent rivalry for a few years now. It first started at The Night of Champions from two years ago, after Chris Benoit no-showed the event due to the... unpleasantness. Well, this feud has been mostly one sided in favor of Morrison, despite Punk winning two world titles since it started. Still, the Shaman of Sexy seems to steal success from the Straightedge Superstar! Like a few weeks ago! Could lightning possibly strike for an 18th time?

If by lightning you mean foot to the back of the head

Yes, he who wears baby seals on his feet somehow managed to beat the champ with a roll up. Thankfully for Punk, it was non-title. Still, Morrison decides to show off a little sportsmanship, because it's so frickin easy to be a good sport when you win, ass.

Not pictured: CM Punk's trunks

Way to shrug it off, Punk! You've got weirder fish to fry.

Edge (remember him? He's been off TV for a week), was interviewed by Todd Grisham. It was all about Edge's recent ACL injury and how Edge may have to retire and this injury is all serious and stuff. All I heard was "Waaaa! Waaa! My penis! Waaaa!" I don't think I was delusional because Edge's former tag partner (and the man Edge let down), Chris Jericho came out and basically ran down Edge's injury. Edge didn't much care for that.

Edge: The Anti-Jeff Farmer

Jericho was done with Edge, but not for the night. He was teaming with Dolph Ziggler to take on Rey Mysterio and Jeff Hardy? Hmm, it seems as if someone is missing from this equation...oh right! CM Punk was doing guest commentating, totally just wanting a closer view of the man he's wrestled numerous times in the past (in both WWE and TNA), and has hours upon hours upon hours of footage of to reference. Totally not conspicuous at all.

All and all, pretty good match. The Big Zig took a break from being Maria's personal bar stool to do his best Macho Man impression.


Also, old flames Jericho and Rey decided to get it on and fall back into each other all over again.

Rey hasn't even made contact and Jericho is falling down! They know each other so well!

Side note: These just make me laugh.

Mysterio

Rhino

So the match ended in a DQ finish in favor of the heels. What's that you say? The faces for DQ'd? But they're good guys! They don't break rules. Well, for some reason Jeff Hardy decided to throw Jericho into CM Punk who was just sitting there, and then turn his back. Punk then threw Jericho into Hardy. Jericho hit the stairs, ref saw this, and called for the bell. Jericho then beat up Hardy and locked him into the Walls.

"I like to watch...(pant pant)"

Can anyone explain to me what Punk has done wrong here? I just see some dude minding his own business. Anyway, last show before a PPV that's 100 miles south of me and I have no intention of going to. Or buying. But you should get ready for it! 8/7c on MyNetwork TV! Or anytime on hulu!

The Granddaddy of them all! 21-second victory.

Wrestlemania was last night, so rather then have one "Oh Baby I like it RAW!" updating the entire night we're going to periodically update the blog today, highlighting each match with its own post. We will follow the order of the show.

Rey Mysterio vs John Bradshaw Layfield for the Intercontinental Championship.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



This article recently popped up to promote Wrestlemania. As has become an annual treat, Rey Mysterio comes to Wrestlemania dressed as some comic character. Marvel Comics was thrilled to show off some of Rey's past Marvel inspired threads, so what does he show up as?

"Mi padre was a drinker...and a fiend."

That's right! Jeff Hardy!

Anyway, JBL missed a punch and this happened:

619 sounds so dirty.

Then JBL quit the WWE because he was so ashamed that a Mexican he worked so hard to block from the border beat him for a title.

"I'm off to sell more boner juice!" (seriously)

Next up: Shawn Michaels vs The Undertaker

The Stars Descend Onto the Big Apple

Once a year something magical happens. The New York Comic Con takes over the Jacob Javitts Center for a glorious weekend! This is the cultural event of the season if you're into all things geek. Want to get the hype on Joss Whedon's new TV show, Doll House? Got you covered. What about meeting DC Animation producer emeritus Bruce Timm. Well direct your boner to the east coast. How about getting that last issue of the original Darkhawk series to complete your collection. New York, New York. Of course, these are all nerdy pursuits and would have nothing to do with the squared circle, correct?

You know us better then now to know that was a rhetorical question. Several wrestlers will be in attendance (and signing autographs!) thanks to a wonderful company called Turnbuckle Promotions (hey! That's a wrestling thing!). Let's check out the roster who will drastically improve our lives:

Honky Tonk Man- The longest reigning Intercontinental champion was last seen at Cyber Sunday not beating Santino. Somehow got over as a wrestling Elvis impersonator.

Jerry "The King" Lawler- Do we really have to explain this? Cousin of Honky Tonk, current Raw color man. Possible pederast.

The Bushwhackers- Last seen losing to Urkle and Carl Winslow in that one episode of Family Matters. May be getting in shape for possible feud with Hacksaw Jim Duggan to see who can be worthy of the WWE's resident retard position.

Ernest "The Cat" Miller- Former WCW star and WWE jobber/color man. Last seen staring as "The Ayatollah", Randy the Ram's nemesis in The Wrestler. Also gave us this classic moment:



Roxxi and Taylor Wilde- We've written about them before, and honestly, we're excited by the prospect of seeing them. We're sure they're both just delightful and we look forward to forcing some awkward flirting, and then convincing ourselves that we totally had a shot, given more time.

Scott Steiner- From Turnbuckle's official bio-

"Scott Steiner waited for years for his chance at the world heavyweight championship. In 2000, The Big Bad Booty Daddy finally got his shot. He made the most of it, winning the title from Booker T and dominating the main event scene thereafter. He is appearing at the Turnbuckle Booth."

Forgot to mention the obvious.

Work out buddies

Midajah- She was Steiner's valet in WCW. Reunion photos!

Dawn Marie- We were so ready to make fun of her for having a few post-baby pounds, but then the finest research tools at our disposal told us that she recently founded a charity to help former wrestlers survive after their careers. Upon hearing this the Laugh Twins' hearts grew three sizes!


Christopher Daniels- Also from Turnbuckle's bio-

"Christopher Daniels is the Fallen Angel and the Curry Man. He will be appearing at the Turnbuckle booth"

Well that about covers it, we suppose. In all seriousness though, we've seen Daniels work and he's kind of awesome. He also would fit right in at the comic con. Maybe we can engage him in a deep philosophical discussion involving D-Man's short term as an Avenger?

And finally- the big draw.....

Chris Harris

Yea, this butthole:



Don't forget your vulcan ears and lightsabres! How else are you going to fight off all those Harry Potter wizards for some free swag! And hey, maybe you'll see a Laugh Twin or two on the floor, yucking it up with Bushwhacker Luke. Come on over and say hi!