Making a first impression is key

Did you know (tm) that there are people who work for World Wrestling Entertainment who are not from America? It's true! Turns out the "World" in that title actually applies in this case. In fact, there have even been international champions, as Sheamus beat John Cena for the title this past Sunday! This was the first time this has ever happened, so hooray for civil rights (thanks Matt Striker!)!

Of course, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to think of ourselves as worldly gentlemen. We do not judge others based on their race, creed, sexuality, gender, or in this case, nationality. But we understand that we're magnanimous people. Not everyone was raised in such excellent environments. So unfortunately, racism does exist, even in the world of wrestling! But how can you tell what kind of foreigner is coming to the ring? Simple! By the type of racially charged theme song he uses. Thus, working with the Academy of Wrestling Arts and Sciences, we have deduced the best racially motivated wrestler theme songs!

Funaki

What's that we hear? Is that a synth-pan flute? Did somebody invite Zamfir into WWE? Why no! It's just some Japanese dude coming to the ring! Of course! But they're hip and cool, as it's been ironically paired with hard rock power chords! Why Funaki couldn't just drop the Japanese influence in the song is beyond us.

William Regal (first theme)

What better way to get over the fact that William Regal is a poor, but tough scoundrel from Blackpool England then having him come out to some dandy fop garbage?

The Quebecers

Off key, boring, and slow? Must be a Canadian theme song! We're genuinely surprised the lyrics do not include the words "Hosers" "Molson" "Hockey" and "Eh." Still, nothing riles up the blood of a red-blooded American more than the sounds of the North!

Kofi Kingston

Make no bones about it; This song rules. However, it's certainly inaccurate. WWE officials basically looked at an African CPA from Boston and said "Eh, throw some green on him and it'll be like a Bob Marley concert mixed with Cool Runnings. They'll never know the difference!" And lo and behold, Kofi Johnson Kingston was born! We'd like to see a legitimate pothead like Raven come out to a song like this.

Iron Sheik

Sitar? Check. Gong? Check. Ominous tone? Double check. Add that all together and you get America's worst first...brown people! Thankfully, the Iron Sheik himself is a bit of a pussycat nowadays. Or a drunk who says awful things on the record (we really need to make fun of him more.)

Sabu

Probably the best of the lot, because nothing about it is too offensive, yet it is uniquely ethnic. Basically, distorted guitars and an Arabian sax. Nothing much more to it than that. Of course, what else would you expect from the "suicidal, homicidal, genocidal, death-defying Sabu!"? Allow us to translate. Sabu will kill himself to ensure the death of you and your people. Praise Allah.

So what say you, LOLiacs? Did we miss your favorite, racist wrestling song? Let us know and we'll be the judge as to if it's any good. And no, the West Texas Rednecks "I Hate Rap (Rap is Crap)" does not count!

W.W.W. featuring Sid Justice/Ultimate Warrior and Steven Regal

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your Jeff Hardy tribute set to Saliva ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- Ultimate Warrior Sid Justice Promo



Adam's response...

"Rewriting Sid Justice's Promo"
by Adam

Listen here, Warrior! I am the most short sighted, EASILY distracted man in history! ONE, JUST ONE, small diversion from my plan, MY PLAN, to kill, FINALLY KILL, Hulkamania and all bets are off. You think it's ok to save that old man! To save HULKAMANIA! Well you've awoken a fire within me that not even Harvey Wippleman can quench! I'm coming for you! Me! SID JUSTICE, the man who rules the world! And I don't know if that includes Parts Unknown!

"Rewriting Ultimate Warrior's Promo"
by Adam

THE POWERS OF THE WARRIOR ARMY FILL UP INSIDE ME LIKE ANT SITTING IN A CLOUD!!! I'VE CLIMBED THE HIGHEST MOLE HILL! I'VE PERCHED ON TOP OF DOVES! I'VE DONE WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICES, SID JUSTICE!
YOU WANNA RULE PARTS UNKNOWN?! WELL COME DEEP INSIDE AND TAKE THIS CEPTER AND CROWN FROM MY BEING! FIGHT PAST ALL THE WARRIORS! FIGHT PAST THE CENTAURS! SURVIVE THESE CHALLENGES AND YOU WILL FIND ME, THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR SITTING UPON MY THRONE OF FETUSES AND AND VIRTUE. THEN, ONLY THEN WILL YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT CONSTITUTION IT TAKES TO PREPARE FOR SUMMERSLAM. THEN, ONLY THEN WILL YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO JUMP OFF THE HIGHEST BUILDING IN THE WORLD AND FIND THE TRUE BEING OF THE WARRIOR INSIDE ME.

I'VE SEEN YOUR SOUL, SID JUSTICE, AND YOU ARE NO RULER OF THE WORLD! YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR THE WARRIORS, YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR HULKAMANIA, AND YOU ARE CERTAINLY NO MATCH FOR ULTIMATE HULKAMANIC. SO BOARD UP YOUR HOUSE! BOARD UP YOUR DOG! THERE IS NO ESCAPING THIS ONE WAY CYCLONE OF AGONY AND DESPAIR! DESTINATION: PARTS UNKNOWN.

*SNORT*

Adam's video to Matt - Steven Regal vs. Dick Togo

Adam's helping us out this week by providing a video that can't be embedded, but don't do yourself a diservice; watch it here!

Matt's response...

Yes, just what I wanted on my Wednesday. Some mat wrestling. What a gift to be given in my email inbox.

Immediately, something jumps out at me on this video: How in the hell did Regal get saddled with this gimmick? A "real man's man" means a cut-off flannel and a hard hat. Is he a construction worker? A lumberjack? Some amalgamation of the two? I would have to assume he can swing a hammer or an axe with equal verve and ability. He is a "man's man" after all. And half of the comments left on the video (there are only two) agree with me. At least, I would have to assume that FWFChairman is referring to Regal when he says "lame gimmick," because who doesn't like an Asian guy named Dick?

All you Dicks look the same.

Also, this is from WWF's former (and I stress former) show Shotgun Saturday Night, which was originally filmed in New York City nightclubs. I can only imagine what that scene would have been if these two walked in.

Probably not much different than the scene here.

This video serves as another example of two commentators who couldn't be more unaware of what's happening in the ring. If they could take a bathroom break or hit the concession stand, they totally would, just like the rest of the audience. It takes Michael Cole and Jim Cornette about half the match to start calling the thing, after their done talking about Commissioner Shawn Michaels and some In Your House show named after the Rock.

Of course, they go right back to talking about Sunday Night Heat.

OH BABY, I like it RAW! The Return of Matt

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



It's taken me some time to get this column back in order. I had to spend the week cleaning out all the pizza boxes and diet soda cans Adam left stacked up around here like some sort of garbage Jenga game. I hope you enjoyed our little "Twin Swap." I didn't, because I had to watch Smackdown, but perhaps it was enjoyable for you.

So today is MLK Day. I hope your family is nestled warmly at home, putting the final presents under the MLK Day tree, with a warm turkey in the oven, and getting the kids all excited about going out to watch the MLK Day fireworks. But before all that, let's recap what happened last week on Raw.

Stephanie comes down and says she's excited for the Rumble, and blah blah Vince is coming back blah blah blah. Wait a minute...WHAT??! Vince is coming back?! Isn't he dead?

Apparently not, or the Undertaker is woefully inept at his day job, because Mr. McMahon didn't make it in the ground. He's coming to Raw next week (today!)!!! And Jericho seems to think that means he doesn't have to listen to Stephanie anymore. He tells her that.


Jericho demands that he be given the title shot at the Rumble, and he won't wrestle anymore unless there's a title on the line. Stephanie says that's ok, but good luck finding a title IN THE UNEMPLOYMENT LINE!

That's right, she fired him! Jericho is gone!! He was escorted out by security. Maybe that means we can get a whole new set of teaser promos before he returns again.

I still think this meant the Rock and Stone Cold were coming back, but I think that fell through.

Later on, backstage, we see Candice Michelle saying she thought Vince had died. Well, honey, that's two things we agree on...

This being the other.

She was talking to an unconcerned C.M. Punk who was getting ready for his match against William Regal for the IC Title. This one has a stipulation that if Regal gets DQ'd, he loses the belt. Well, what do you know? Regal fakes a low blow and get Punk disqualified, thereby retaining his title again!


So there's going to another match, this time with no DQs at all. I'm sure that will cut out all the shenanigans.

Significant amounts of dumbface in this picture

Kane and Orton fought. Unremarkable match, but it seems that some members of NKOTB are unhappy. Namely Sim Snuka and Manu. Seems they're planning something against Randy. Manu and Snuka come down to meet Orton and Cody Rhodes who are already in the ring, but guess what! They brought back-up in the form of Ted DiBiase, Jr.!! Oh man, this is going to be priceless.

And more dumbface from Sim.

That's right, Teddy Jr. tipped off Orton and Rhodes about the plot, and they teamed up instead. Now THAT'S why they say he's priceless. Oh baby, he's priceless.

Kelly Kelly came out, but her match didn't happen because some chick got jumped outside the ring. No reason to mention it other than to show a photo of her.

oh, did I ever...

Our main event of the night was Shawn Michaels versus Mr. Cena. This was being referred to as "HBK's Wrestlemania." I'm not sure why, since we're still a few months away from Wrestlemania, but alright; we'll roll with it. This was a pretty awesome match, with Michaels finishing off Cena on his own, without the help of JBL who was waiting on the side. Of course, JBL had to come in and take some of the credit.

"See? I can stand over his limp body too!"

Ready to see Vince?? Me too! Will he be a zombie? One can only hope, and find out tonight, 9/8c on USA!