OH BABY, I like it Raw! The one with Bret Hart

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Clearly the most important thing that happened on Raw last week was Bret Hart coming back to guest host the show. So I'm going to cover those segments in depth here, and the rest of the stuff will skim over. Really, it didn't matter all that much anyway.

Bret opens the show, looking more like Owen these days, and immediately gets down to calling out Shawn Michaels. It seems Shawn had a little something to do with this thing in Montreal in 1997.

The jean shorts are the only thing that look good about him.

For the most part, Bret kept himself together and managed to keep his stroke at bay.

Shawn came out, and rather than being apologetic about the whole thing, told Bret that he pretty much had it coming. That's how you start putting the past behind you, Shawn.

"You screwed me." "Eh, you deserved it. We cool?"

However, they were able to make some ground. Shawn told Bret he respected him and always looked back fondly on their matches. They finally shook hands, and after a moment, hugged...like two robots that haven't been oiled in a very long time.

"This wasn't in the script."

Bret then called out Vince McMahon, but he didn't come out because, come on, we gotta have something to do later in the show, right?

Mayse beat up Brie Bella, but who didn't see that coming? Brie has spent the last several months attached to the hip of every guest host that's come through. The only reason she didn't escort Bret around is because he's the only one that more than likely would have sex with her. MVP won a Fatal Four-Way against Mark Henry, Carlito and Jack Swagger to become the number one contender for the U.S. title. Ballin'.

DX beat Jeri-Tall, which now means Jericho is somehow banned from Raw. Didn't this happen before? I fail to see how this changes anything, but I guess we all know the first banning is just a suggestion anyway. As a side note, Jericho tried to enlist the help of Bret Hart, whom he wanted to serve as guest referee. Then Bret could screw over Shawn and the whole thing could have a nice conclusion. Bret declined, saying he only participates in storylines where he's the martyr.

Evan Bourne faced the WWE Champion Sheamus. Bourne was promised a title shot at the Royal Rumble if he could beat Sheamus that night. Any guesses on how this one turned out? Put your bets in now...

3...

2...

1...

Bourne lost. Sorry to the none of you that lost that bet.

Finally, we get Randy Orton versus Kofi Kingston, but this is the normal Orton/Kingston match you've become accustomed to over the past however long this feud has been going on. No, henchmodels Ted DiBiase, Jr. and Cody Rhodes set up this little match to test Orton. If Randy loses, he's kicked out of the Legacy and they're going to kick his ass. This is retribution for last week (two weeks ago!) when Randy did the same thing to them.

Randy won, and I'm sure that those two brainiacs will figure out that you can't really threaten the boss and expect to get away with it. Even though that's what people do in the WWE every stinking day.

To end the show, Vince McMahon comes to the ring and calls down Bret Hart. What's going to happen??!

Well, Vince says he's still mad about getting spit on over 12 years ago, but he also says that he was proud of Bret and that Bret was one of the best ever. Having felled the Hitman enough to get him to shake hands, the two exchanged a professional pump of the hands and then celebrated together.

Please hold for the eventual swerve...

THERE IT IS!

That's right. Vince kicked Bret! Vince kicked Bret! And this time, McMahon can't spin it as "Bret kicked Bret" because we have photographic proof! Tune in for "Iron" Mike Tyson, 20 years past his prime, hosting Raw tonight! USA, 9/8c!

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Summon a Damon

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



We hope you didn't mind the short hiatus we took over the Christmas holiday. You only missed a Smackdown recap, so I'm sure it wasn't that bad. However, I assure you that you're going to wish you missed this one too, since it seems that we're being left with very little to entertain us these days.

Guest host Johnny Damon (he's some athlete - look it up) let us know that Santa would be coming by Raw to grant a wish. Well, I'm sure that's going to go very well without any sort of violence. Also, we have a 3-on-3 Divas match...STARTING NOW!

It's a Santa's Little Helper match, meaning the good Divas dress like this...


...and the bad Divas dress like this...


At least they all match this time, right WWE.com interns? Good girls win this one.

Kofi Kingston and Randy Orton have settled into fighting each other every week in some form of tag match, and last week would be no different. Here we have Kofi enlisting Mark Henry and Evan Bourne in his team, and the Legacy on the other side.

Cody Rhodes will take that sign's advice to heart.

As always, things would get pretty brutal when these two bulls lock horns.


The action was so intense, the WWE.com interns barely had the ability to write a coherent sentence.

Even more strength than what?!

Kofi would come out on top of this match, because it's Christmas and WWE believes in charity.

We were then given the opportunity to watch real life legal drama as DX was taken by Hornswoggle to "Little People's Court." I'm serious. This is probably all you need to know:

Before you ask, yes, that is a midget.

They were found guilty of being taller than Hornswoggle, or whatever it is those midgets get upset about.

This night was full of matches that meant absolutely nothing, such as John Cena versus Jack Swagger. Why did they fight? I don't know. I must have missed the explanation when I got up to make a sandwich. Cena won. Don't believe me?

Proof.

Then there was Chris Masters, who beat up Carlito because he tried to steal a kiss from Eve under the mistletoe. I guess that's a little more understandable, because Eve is a stone cold fox, but still, I don't need no gosh-darned romance with my rasslin'!


But I guess Masters did it for the right reasons, so good for him.

For Pete's sake, act like you've been there before, you big dufus.

WWE Champ Sheamus beat the crap out of MVP, because for whatever reason that match needed to happen too.


Of course, this lead to an announcement that John Cena and Sheamus would face each other this week, so that was all worth it.

The Miz continued to completely waste the fact that he's United States Champion by beating up "Santino Claus," which, if you couldn't guess, was Santino dressed up like Santa Claus. And if one wrestler dressed up like Santa wasn't enough, Chris Jericho decided to have a go at it, coming disguised to the ring to grant Big Show's wish that Jericho be reinstated to Raw.

However, they didn't count on the WWE's littlest detective, and Hornswoggle yanked off the beard to reveal that it was Jericho all along, thus ending the ruse and prompting a flood of midgets to the ring to fight one of the greatest and one of the biggest professional wrestlers of all time.

The only logical conclusion.

DX would come to rescue and welcome Hornswoggle into the fold, making him the official mascot of the team, since we all know that he's incapable of being considered anything other than a ceremonial pet.

Timbaland is the host this week. I want to kill someone. USA, 9/8c.

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Other than the Slammys

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Last week was the WWE's annual/semi-annual/not-regular-whatsoever award show The Slammys, but I'm not going to cover that here. Nope! This is a blog about wrestling on Raw, and that's all we're doing tonight. So sit back and enjoy some rasslin', bitches!

Jeri-Tall were none to happy about losing their Tag Team Titles and demanded a rematch against DX. I can understand. It's not like those two have anything else to look forward to in this business.

Clearly photoshopped.

So that match is coming later tonight.

Also, we're going to have the nominees for Superstar of the Year - Randy Orton, John Cena, CM Punk, and the Undertaker - battle to see which one will take home the award. Is this really how these things are supposed to work?


For our first meaningful match of the night, we have the two lesser members (tee hee) of Legacy going up against the Salt n' Marijuana Express, Evan Bourne and Kofi Kingston. This was actually supposed to be a singles match between Rhodes and Kofi, but of course there was interference, and of course that allowed guest host Dennis Miller to make a big show and restart it as a tag team match.


Legacy would take the match, pinning the weak link of the duo, Evan Bourne.

In our first Superstar of the Year match, John Cena would be facing CM Punk. Two things you need to know about this match. Cena put on his submission move...

Shut The Fudge Up!

...and CM Punk cried.


Presumably because he's on Smackdown, but also because he lost the match.

Next was the other Superstar of the Year match, Orton versus the Undertaker. This match went as many of the Deadman's matches go - OLD SCHOOL.

"Please stop holding my hand, mythical man of the underworld."

Of course, once you die, it's a known fact that your match skills immediately start to deteriorate, which is why Orton was able to lure the Undertaker out of the ring with his Legacy henchmodels and win via count-out. So, as you should have imagined, a Raw superstar will be the Superstar of the Year.


Jeri-Tall didn't count on DX being the lying, cheating snakes they are, because Triple H immediately shoved the ref during their match for the Tag Team Championship, losing by DQ but retaining the belts. After the match, Jericho was escorted out of the arena, because we all know that it's completely unacceptable for a Smackdown superstar to be on Raw.

Something tells me this was planned.

There was a 7-on-7 divas match, and of course, the WWE.com interns were there to belittle the seven most beautiful women they're likely to ever see.

WWE.com workers know how to coordinate, if nothing else.

Finally, it's John Cena going against Randy Orton to see who is the Superstar of the Year. Yes, this one match is going to determine the value of an entire year's worth of work. WWE prides themselves in their credibility.

Randy attempted an RKO, but Cena was able to reverse that into an Attitude Adjustment, using a maneuver only crafted in a child's wildest dreams.


Cena won, so he's your Superstar of the Year. Congrats, Mr. Cena! We always knew it would be you!

Johnny Damon hosts tonight, finally going to answer that age-old question "Who would win in a hot dog eating contest: a baseball player or professional wrestler?" Tune in 9/8c on USA!

OH BABY, I like it Raw! TLC OMG

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Before I get to the first and only TLC recap you'll need to read, a note about last week's Raw, since it was shot in my current hometown of Dallas, Texas. I'm sad I didn't get to go, since it was one of the better shows of the year. I'm not just saying that because it was here and because Mark Cuban hosted, but that was part of it. I thought Cubes did a fine job as guest host, getting far more involved than others have been. Overall, a nice show.

Now, time for TLC, which would shape up to be a wild night indeed.

First, let's talk about Randy Orton versus Kofi Kingston, or as I like to call it, the Battle for Hog Supremacy. As always, Kofi was fired up for this one.


Quite quickly, however, things turned sour for the Dreaded One, as Orton held him town and got right into some freaky stuff.

"Shhh, be quiet. I saw this online."

And it just went downhill for Kofi from there...


Even the WWE.com interns knew that Randy was a little crazed during the match.

Well, it is in his theme song, so one would think...

The Viper would ultimately take home the win, hitting the RKO and the 1-2-3. Seems that getting screwed last week by Mark Cuban was just the thing to fire him up for a match.

Now that we're done with that pesky non-title match, let's see what's shaking in the Tag Team Championship department, as DX faced JeriTall for the belts. It didn't take long for this thing to get brutal, much to the dismay, I'm sure, of one former announcer.


As always, them DX boys found a loophole in JR's logic.


Despite some solid early teamwork, DX didn't do themselves any favors later on to win the match.

Ladder climbing fail

Fortunately for them, they were in a ladder match against the World's Largest Athlete, meaning it takes him a little extra time getting up those rungs.


After Show turned the tables on Hunter and punched a chair into his head (that's right), Jericho tossed Shawn off the ladder for the advantage. It was then time for them to punish their juvenile opponents.


Eventually, DX would regain the advantage, and Shawn would climb a broken ladder, held in place by HHH, to capture their first Tag Team Titles.

"Uhhh, hey Shawn, would ya mind stopping the celebration and get down? This thing is heavy."

Finally, we have the WWE Title match with John Cena versus the bad-guy Sheamus. We know he's a bad-guy not just because he's facing Mr. Cena, but because he has crazy hair.

Red, spiked-up hair? You must have a Masters in "Bad dudery."

This being a tables match, one of these guys had to put the other through a table to win, but neither of them acted like they knew what they were doing.



Finally, Cena figured out that the best plan of action would be to set the table up in the center of the ring and then try to superplex Sheamus through it. Umm, a word of advice, if you don't mind? When you're in these types of matches, the prudent thing to do would be to just win however you can, not try to impress the fans with a ridiculous spot, because then stuff like this happens...


That's right. Sheamus had a half-second of clarity and decided to simply push Mr. Cena off the ropes, launching him across the ring and through the table, meaning....Sheamus is our new WWE Champion???


This is certainly a wild turn of events. Be sure to tune in tonight for a special three-hour Raw featuring guest host Dennis Miller and the Slammy Awards! Hilarity most certainly sure to ensue! 8/7c on USA!

OH BABY, I like it Raw! A "little" help

SEASON'S BEATINGS!!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



As I've stated before, I apologize for missing last week's recap. Allow me to just give a quick thought on that Thanksgiving edition of Raw with guest host Jesse "the Governor" Ventura. It was a lot of fun. However, it's lost a bit of it's shine when you now realize that Ventura was just using it to plug his show after he talked shit about the WWE only a couple days after doing the show. C'mon Jesse, at least let us believe you for a week.

Last week's show was hosted by Verne Troyer. Who's that, you ask?

Wait, we still care about that guy? Also, this picture is just creepy.

So how did "the little one" start off Raw? Well, he didn't. JeriTall and DX did that for him. Apparently, the Tag Team Champions aren't happy that DX is their opponent for TLC, and DX isn't happy simply because that's the cool thing to do.

Skullcaps FTW

Here's the reasonable match they came up with: Jericho and Triple H will have a match tonight (last week!) and whomever loses will have to face the both of the opposing team members next week (tonight!). The stakes couldn't be higher.

I stand corrected.

One other thing I didn't mention about the Thanksgiving edition of Raw is that MARYSE IS BACK!


I know I shouldn't be excited about a heel Diva, but I think I'm allowed this one. She dressed up last week (two weeks ago!) as the Gobbledy Gooker to attack Melina, and this time shed the turkey get-up to pin her during a tag match.


There's a "turkey stuffing" joke in there somewhere.

Sheamus beat up Santino to...prove a point? I'm not really sure what point that would be, other than he can beat up WWE's dumber, cross-dressing version of Borat.

Verne Troyer makes an appearance only to be insulted by the Miz. Well that's just mean. Troyer (and WWE interns) have had just about enough of the United States Champion.

...if you couldn't tell by his facial expression.

Troyer pulls out the Raw equivalent of KANE! on the Miz and puts him in a match against Mark Henry. Oooooh, you're gonna have to eat your words, Miz!!

Seriously, you're going to have to eat them, or Mark Henry will eat them for you.

The long-standing feud between Randy Orton and Kofi Kingston continued as the two were booked to face off one-on-one. Of course, that didn't mean the Legacy couldn't have their way with the Fakin' Jamaican first.

ACTING!

They beat him up quite a bit before the match started, leaving easy pickin's for Hoggo.

During a contract signing on the Thanksgiving show, John Cena was attacked by his opponent for TLC, Sheamus, and put through a table. Cena decided to tempt fate and actually asked Sheamus to come out and do it again.

Honestly, WWE.com interns, who doesn't?

Instead of Sheamus, Carlito came out for some reason. That's not cool.


Cena beat him up for trying to spit apple in his face, and only then did Sheamus show up for the patented "cross arena staredown."

Mark Henry and the Miz had their match. Do I really need to you how that turned out?

Figure out the rest.

Finally, it's time for HHH and Jericho and as you might expect, this thing gets pretty brutal.


Things would get so dirty, in fact, that both men would knock each other down for a near 10-count, as counted by Screamy McRef.

Go ahead and zoom in. You know where. It's worth it.

Trips would be the one to go the distance in this one, meaning tonight we'll have Jericho facing DX sans Big Show, and really, is that a loss for anyone?

Raw emanates from Dallas this week, but sadly, I'm unable to attend. Just another way I'm failing you, the reader. Perhaps it's a good thing, since I won't become jaded and miserable like my fellow Laugh Twin, but it would have been nice to go all the same. Made quadruple-nice since my earthly master Mark Cuban is guest hosting! Go on Cubes! Give Orton some payback for giving you an RKO six years ago!



Tune in tonight at 9/8c on USA!