W.W.W. featuring Sami Callahan and Bret Hart

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your how-to on making an Iron Sheik Halloween costume ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Sami Callihan vs. the Airhorns



Matt's response...

I'll be honest: the only reason I'm familiar with CZW, or Combat Zone Wrestling, because it was featured in The Wrestler when Mickey Rourke's character wrestled a stand-up fellow by the name of Necro Butcher. What that means, I don't know.


I set out to learn some more about CZW by checking out their Wikipedia page, but it became clear that it was written by someone in their PR department, if they have one. Take, for instance, the entry titled "Zandig hanging incident," where someone was hung above the ring by meathooks during a show.

The aftermath of the incident was negative, many fans even vowed never to attend a CZW show again. The company remained successful that year and had a sold out crowd for their annual Cage of Death show.

Take that, you fans with a sense of decency!

They also have a tag team named "2 Girls 1 Cup." Ok, ok. I get it. You're disgusting.

I can't really talk about their quality of wrestling, since that's not showcased here. No, what we get is a look inside the mind of the CZW fan. I don't care much about this Sami Callihan character; he's a douchebag and he's just one guy. However, the fans demonstrate that they are, in fact, scraped up from the bottom of the barrel.

Apparently, the airhorn is a thing in this promotion. They blow it during a big spot, such as when someone gets smashed with a fluorescent light bulb. But here, they've turned the tables on the wrestlers! They're going to blow it during a promo, if you can call it that.

This is what really turns me off to this whole thing, and why WWE will always be better. Sure the fans get a little rowdy from time to time, but for the most part we respect the product and enjoy watching it. It seems these guys just want to come and screw with the show. A show that, no matter how "hardcore" you think it is, is no more than backyard wrestling moved indoors, and that's only sometimes. Whatever you all think about WWE wrestlers, they can do more with a mic and without throwing each other through a pane of glass or into an electrified fence. That's not cutting edge or trendsetting. That's an easy way out.

They did, however, have a moment where there were competing "Asshole" and "Shut the fuck up" chants, and that's kinda cool.

Matt's video to Adam- Bret Hart Drawing Cartoons



Adam's response...

Bret Hart must have had a stroke in 1993.

That's the only explanation as to why he thinks he can draw. It has nothing to do with the fact that he does cartoon art either. I collect cartoon and comic art. I commission it from artists in the industry. So I should be sympathetic towards the Hitman's "talents." However, I'm not because he's really just awful.

Take for example, his sketch of the Undertaker.

And there's his sniveling, money tight, store owner Jew accomplice, Irwin R. Shyster.

Is that the Undertaker or an Islamic newspaper's political cartoon depiction of a rabbi? How about some more racial sensitivity from the Excellence of Execution?

"Me so solly, Hitman-son!"

That's Mr. Fugi? Maybe in a 1940's Disney/Loony Tunes cartoon it would be, but not 1993. Now, I know Mr. Fugi is a heel, and WWF was/is not the fore front of racial relations, but really Bret? You think that's ok to publicize? Still, it's not just your intent that's awful. Look at these two:

And there's the other Irwin R .Shyster ! One guess as to how I knew that.

This is actually a court room artist's rendition of how the divorce trial went.

You know (tm) how you can tell when an impression is bad? When it opens up with "I'm (X)!" The whole point of the impression is that the voice is immediately recognizable. So by writing "IRS" on a brief case, well, sort of negates the drawing, doesn't it Most Tragic Man Ever? Or how about, just in case someone misses the "Hulk" on the shirt, well it's also on the headband too!

Also, when you attest that Money Inc. doesn't like your drawings, well it's probably because they suck. Not because you're exaggerating Ted Dibase's nose.

Now, this is not to say that it's all bad. I give credit where its due (I am tough but fair!). First, you sketch in pen/marker, which is impressive. You also work off no photo reference, so the exaggerations can be expected a little. But it seems rather disingenuous when he's preaching that "everyone can do something" and for him that's art. I'm all for the sentiment that everyone can do something. Picasso can do art, I play a pretty mean bass guitar, Matt has his belly dancing, and Bret is a wrestler. Not an artist. Not a cartoonist. But a wrestler.

And possibly a doodler who could find a backup career doing caricatures on the Santa Monica pier.

By labeling this "Bret Hart" I kind of negate my above impression point.

It's so hard to say goodbye

For a theme song to accompany Ric Flair's career, please press play and enjoy...



When it comes to wrestling, it's a pretty simple formula: cheer the good guys, and boo the bad guys. The good guys come out and stand up for what right and just, and the bad guys always try to break them down by being underhanded and lying. That's pretty much all you need to know.

But what if you really can't make yourself disagree with the heels? What if, every now and then, one comes out and just happens to make a lot of damn sense? What do you do then? What does that mean for our babyfaces? The ones who have to stand there and pretend like what the other guy is saying isn't completely and ashamedly true.

This is the problem we're having with Chris Jericho. You see (tm pending), Jericho built his entire run to Wrestlemania 25 on ridiculing the legends of WWE's past. And at first, it was easy to hate him. Who doesn't want to stand up there behind Ric Flair, Roddy Piper, Ricky Steamboat, and Jimmy Snuka? (Well, maybe not so much Snuka, because you'd probably be standing there to hold him up, and what a pain in the ass that would be!) Jericho can't say those things! He's just some brash punk that needs a good tellin' what-for!

If you recall, Jericho based a lot of this around the movie The Wrestler. We're big fans of it around the LOL Cave for a couple of reasons. Neither of them have to do with Mickey Rourke's acting ability.

We'll let you figure it out.

Jericho said these "legends" spent a lot time acting like the film's titular (he he) character, Randy "the Ram" Robinson, meaning they frequented high school gyms and backwater towns you wouldn't visit even if the rainbow ended there. His vitriol was most directed toward Ric Flair.

Now, Flair is a sacred cow around here. Far be it from us to start criticizing him. But every now and then, you have to accept that the cow is going to crap in the street from time to time. Things started off pretty tame for Ric after his career was over with the WWE, and wrestling in general for the most part. We were pleased when we found out he would be featured in an expansion to a Command and Conquer game. Videos promoting the game had Flair encountering and finally wrestling a bear. We suggest you give those a look.

However, here lately, things have gotten a little too real for us. A little to close to Jericho's accusations. A search of mark sites results in these headlines:

Ric Flair interviewed on coming out of retirement, cuts promo from furniture store.

Reid Flair wrestles tag match at police fundraiser; Ric Flair in his corner.

Ric Flair does the coolest NASCAR commercial ever.

Those are just a few. And, of course, there are videos, complete with furniture store appearance:















Finally, to really drive the point home, we have this story from PWTorch.com - Ric Flair: "I want to wrestle." NO. DUH. Flair could barely stay retired for a year. Apparently, pulling the "crazy ex-girlfriend" maneuver, he sent Vince a text and asked why he wasn't included in the recent draft. Vince replied like we all just did once we read that: "You're retired." (i.e. Quit calling me, you crazy bitch! I'm changing my number!)

We love you, Ric. We really do. Which is why we're asking you to please, PLEASE don't come back to wrestling. We love having you around, and you can still get out there and talk with the best of them. Keep it up! Keep showing up at events and getting a pop and verbally abusing some schmuck (The Miz?) and then go on to a signing to hang out with the fans. But stay out of the ring. You had an amazing match last year at Wrestlemania, and a ridiculously long send-off. Let those stand as your final marks on this business.

We know it's hard to say goodbye. But damn it, will you just try it?!

Talk to these guys if you have to. They'll be hanging by the only car that's in color.

The Granddaddy of them all! Jericho defeats legends; brawls with Rourke

Wrestlemania was last night, so rather then have one "Oh Baby I like it RAW!" updating the entire night we're going to periodically update the blog today, highlighting each match with its own post. We will follow the order of the show.

Chris Jericho vs "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, "Super Fly" Jimmy Snuka, and Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat with Ric Flair in their corner in an elimination handicap match.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



You know who didn't like The Wrestler? Certainly not us. We loved it! Chris Jericho didn't like it. He thought it was paying homage to old broken down horses when all the emphasis should be on him, Chris Jericho! Ooo..what a young punk! Anyway, the very recent world heavyweight champion took on these three specimens.

Piper and Snuka should never be allies.

And it doesn't get much better then that. Look at this elevation:

FAIL

Or what about this Superfly tamer old Lionheart locked in:

He may be able to hook a hooka, but Jericho can hook a Snuka.

And although in fantastic shape for an old-ass man (hell, even a young-ass man), even The Dragon's boat ran out of steam.


So you probably think that's it. Jericho proved his point and beat up a few octogenarians. Well, YOU'D BE WRONG! Ric Flair brought in his secret weapon, star of The Wrestler Randy "The Ram" Robinson!

Umm...Rammy looks a little small there..

Err... we meant Mickey Rourke. Still, he used to be a professional boxer, so don't count him ou-

"If you've ever seen something sad that rhymes with 'me' then you've seen me"

Take that, you Canadian jackass! Come on Ric, let's go ahead and dance the night away!

Nice hat, shit dick.

Next up: Matt Hardy vs Jeff Hardy

The Stars Descend Onto Hollywood

The Oscars were this past Sunday and our favorite movie of the year, The Wrestler, was nominated in the Best Actor and Best Supporting Actress categories. The film went 0 for 2. Although Marisa Tomei losing wasn't much of a surprise, Mickey Rourke not taking home the little gold man for his portrayal of Randy the Ram was surprising. Rourke was the heavy favorite, as the comeback story of his character really mirrored the comeback of his personal life. Of course, Hollywood doesn't always play fair.

No, perhaps Rourke was too much of a "rebel" for the Academy to take him seriously. After all, it's heavily rumored he'll be involved with Wrestlemania this year, and his past doesn't necessarily make him the most trustworthy fellow when given a live mic. Here's his acceptance speech from the Independent Spirit Awards, held one night before the Oscars [NSFW language (although Eric Roberts is in the clip, so you gotta balance your priorities.)]



Still, we don't think that one day before an award ceremony really sways the vote. If that were the case then the death of his beloved dog a few days ago would probably have swung a few votes his way, but things don't work that way in the movies...

...unlike some other deaths in some other elections we might know.

Still, the Oscars are a fun time! Win or lose! No one knows a good time better then the superstars of the WWE! They came out for a big Oscar party, the Haven Young Hollywood Oscar Party (co-sponsored by the WWE), to help support The Wrestler and have an all around great time! And it also doesn't hurt to hob knob with a few A-List stars. Take a look:

Kofi Kingston

Kelly Kelly

Try and hold back the excitement, boys.

Nice shirt choice, shit dick.

Nice dress choice, pretty lady.

They made wishes come true too!

Maryse and Make-a-Wish kid, Chow Chow.

Priceless suspect that this may actually be a middle aged man and not a sick kid.

Also on the red carpet were some non-wrestling celebrities as well!

Reality TV stars The Miz and Corrine Kaplan of Survivor.

Reality TV stars the Gastineau Girls

Who?

Ok, so maybe it's really like...E! Network celebrities...

Still, the party was bumpin' all night! Look at how crammed the inside was!



Kofi was scratching some non-existent vinyl!



And super star singer/actor/all around entertainer Aaron Carter snuck in and got cozy with the Divas:

Cha-ching! Look at his hand placement!

And hey, the party was so much fun that Priceless finally started to loosen up.

This...

...lead to this

And we can owe this horseplay to one thing only:

Hollywood Coke party!

Hoo-ray for Holl-y-wood (Foreign Press Club)

The Hollywood Foreign Press threw a party on Sunday night and gave out some statues to a few celebrities. Everyone got very drunk and had a great time. We know you humble readers may be asking yourselves why any of this is relevant to a pro wrestling comedy blog. Well, we hear at LOL, Wresslin' just love 30 Rock and are thrilled that it won best comedy on television!

We kid, we kid. You're right. The Golden Globes have nothing to do with wrestling and writing about them is a complete waste of time and effort.

Above: Golden Globes

END POST.





Are they gone? Good. We like to periodically test the non-believers. Anyway, the Golden Globes usually have nothing to do with professional wrestling, but this year was different. That's because of a certain movie we've written at length about. Yes, The Wrestler was nominated for a few Au Circles, most prominently Mickey Rourke for best actor. And get this. He won.


Now you'd assume that we would have been overjoyed at this. Adam wrote a glowing review of The Wrestler and Matt is going to see it as soon as his podunk town gets their moving pictures machine exorcised of the Satan inside it. You would have been right to have assumed this a few weeks ago, but that was until Vince McMahon came in and told us all what to think.



That's right, In Living Color's Men on Film, Mr. McMahon hated The Wrestler. He hated it because there were logos of competing federations in it. He hated it because it showed the wrestlers as sad men with no worthy trades to apply to the outside world (note by Adam: I knew The Ram living in trailer had to have been fictionalized...). And most of all, he hated it because it drew attention to a problem which could cause the public to rise up and fix it. Yes, professional wrestlers could possibly unionize because of this film.


So screw you, Darren Arnofsky. You made a turd of a movie! LOL, Wresslin' officially retracts our review. Please change the Rotten Tomatoes score accordingly.

Also, Heath Ledger's portrayal of the Joker in The Dark Knight won best supporting actor. Not that he wasn't great and all, but he totally stood up The Miz when he did his Dark Knight interviews. So you stink too, Mr. Michelle Williams.

LOL, Wresslin' movie review: The Wrestler

We've previously written about The Wrestler, which is currently in limited release. For the uninformed, The Wrestler is a drama centered on retired professional wrestler Randy "The Ram" Robinson as he makes his way through the independent circuit, trying to get back in the game for one final showdown with his former rival. Adam lives in the cultural center of the world that is New York City, so he got to see the movie over the weekend. Here are his thoughts:

Holy shit is this movie awesome. It's got everything a movie could ever need to be great. Let's go over a brief list:

1) Pro wrestling.

The wrestling in this flick is fucking intense. Matches are brutal, all the while shot super tight. There's one hardcore match which has Randy the Ram takes chair shots, glass table, and stapler gun staples all on the body. It really shows off how bad ass pro wrestling is. Also, Randy is super ripped the entire flick, so seeing him take the bumps is like watching Raw or Smackdown on the big screen!

Ram is an ill wrestler too. His finisher is called "The Ram Jam", his rival is The Ayatollah, and he bangs some girl in a restroom.

Of course, putting it all together is Mickey Rourke, who played The Ram. And we all know how ill he was in Sin City as Marv!

2) Marisa Tomei

She plays a stripper named Cassidy, and she's smokin! Doesn't wear hardly any clothes all movie, which is fuckin' sweet. She's got some tiggle bitties, if y'all know what I sayin'. In fact, the was the most unbelievable part of the movie (other then...well I'll get to that in the cons) was when no one would want to pay her for a private dance. With that tight bod? Shiiiiiit girl, come on over here and I'll give you all the singles I got.

3) New Jersey

Oh man, there was one scene shot in my hometown of Asbury Park. I just wanted to stand up in the theater and go "Joisey, holla! AP! AP! AP, son! What?!", but didn't want to put all those art house fags in the theater in a bad mood. Last thing they need is me showin' off how reals I keep it! Also, the credits had a brand new Bruce song called "The Wrestler." BRUUUUCCCEEE!!! BRUUUUCCEEE!!

4) The soundtrack in general

So much metal! Ram and Cassidy said it best, "Everything was going great until that Cobain pussy ruined it all." G'n'R, Crue, "Bang Your Head", this thing may be the best soundtrack since Jock Jamz vol. 5.

5) Todd Barry

He's just funny, man.

As for the few negatives:

1) Everything that did not involve wrestling or tits.

I find it hard to believe that anyone who headlined Wrestlejam III would be livin in a trailer in Elizabeth, NJ. Randy "The Ram" Robinson is a king amongst men. He certainly should have a palace at this point in his career. Seems to me like some artificial Hollywood trickery to make us emphasize with the man. That's wrong though. We shouldn't bring him down to our level, we should be heralding him as royalty!

Also, the stuff with his estranged daughter...YAAAWWWNNN. She was so self centered and narcissistic. No wonder the same actress is playing Mary Jane in the Spiderman musical (I'd still do her). The scene in Asbury not only had Ram crying, but he also waltzed with his daughter in the abandoned casino. Why not have them say what exit they got off at and show a picture of Tillie for the ultimate Jersey cliche.

2) Male nudity.

Saw Rourke's butt too much.

3) The true meaning of the ending.

Not too get too spoilery, but let's just saw another Jersey institution did it first.

So if you're a total queer, don't bother seeing this movie. Go watch you Mama Mia! DVD again. However, if you're a real man, who loves all the things real men love, go see The Wrestler. You'll have to wade through some mushy shit, but it's well worth it for some solid gazes at violence and those sweet cans.

jk the whole thing is great lol

Finally, a movie for us!

We know that sometimes it seems that the Laugh Twins of LOL, Wresslin' fame have a one track mind: wrestling. And perhaps the finest women in the world today, so two tracks at most. Don't let our internet appearance fool you, though. We're much deeper than that.

We also like movies! Not all movies; just the really awesome ones. So imagine our excitement when we heard about a movie simply titled The Wrestler. It was as if you went to Scott Hall and said, "Hey, there's a new movie coming out called Booze. You interested?" It stars Mickey Rourke, who was that big guy in Sin City, and Marisa Tomei, who's hot. It's directed by Darren Aronofsky, and after looking at his at IMDB page, we're certain we've never heard of him. But he's apparently making a new RoboCop, so he might just make a name for himself. We'll see.

Here's the trailer...

OH MAN!! Did you see all of that? Let us recount how many awesome things are in that trailer:

1. Wrestling

2. Strippers

3. 80's rock music

Read those again and tell us just how this is not the best movie ever made.

Now, we've had to look into this more, and some of those "movie" blogs are calling this a heartfelt drama that will make you cry. A story of redemption, forgiveness, and never giving up on one's dreams. They say it's a beautifully crafted tale of a man who falls all the way to the bottom, but manages to find that part in us that won't stop when everything says you should.

lol whut?

Did they see the same movie or something else? Sure, we saw a good deal of talking, and maybe a tear or two, but we're pretty sure those are the only ones in the movie. You gotta do something to get the females in the theater. But we know what this movie is about.

Wrestling and fine women.

So we're not all that simple-minded after all, are we?