W.W.W. featuring Kane/X-Pac and Jake Roberts

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your tribute to dead wrestlers (that's most of YouTube, we think) ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- Kane vs X (sic) Pac Promo



Adam's response

Wrestling gets a lot of flack lately for going too far into the past. WWE brought back Bret Hart, TNA is just the old NWO and WWE midcarders who never did anything about get injured and kiss boys (and Ric Flair.) Still, sometimes the past isn't always as rosy as we remember it. The last "golden age of wrestling" had its fair share of past ripoffs. Much like this Kane/X-Pac feud from 2000.

Sure, it's the typical "friend turns on other friend by stealing his woman" story. That's a wrestling foundation and by no means is that a rip off. No, what is the ripoff is the basic idea behind the story. And as is clear, this entire story is just Harry and the Hendersons.

It's actually obvious, really

Let's see. Monster (Kane) finds family (DX) who want to exploit him, but eventually learn to love him? Yea, I saw this before in a John Lithgow masterpiece not named Footloose. Try again, WWE writers.

Of course, the main reason Matt sent me this video is to have me rip on X-Pac. So I'm going to just show you the silliest things this drug addict did here.

1) Overalls

2) Taking the female position in a kiss

Of course, that last one really just foreshadowed to another classic film.

Is this what Tori meant when she said "X-Pac in one word? Gentleman"?

Adam's video to Matt - Jake Roberts interview

Matt's response...

This has got to go down in history as the most uncomfortable interview set ever. The three look like they're wedged into the bench seat of a 1981 Chevrolet truck, with Paul Ellering somehow riding in the bed, poking his head through the back window. I don't know, that's kind of where my analogy breaks down...just like an old truck! Anyway, my point is it's ridiculously cramped on set. I know I've said this numerous times on all sorts of different occasions, but I still feel justified suggesting they just kiss and get it over with already.

Except for Bill Apter. He's totally straight.

I'd like to send a letter to that address at the end, just to see what happens. In fact, we should do that, as a little prank from the LOLiverse. Ask a question pertinent to 1984 as well, such as the ramifications of Vince McMahon buying Georgia Championship Wrestling from the Briscos, or maybe how we think this new kid Scott Hall is going to be a real straight shooter. Maybe they'll think it got lost in the mail or something. That would be a cute prank. Also, include some anthrax.

Kimonos are not used enough in wrestling these days. Is that not a manly thing to wear? Precious Paul sure seems to pull it off. I wouldn't mess with the dude. He just stands there, wearing his kimono and working on a crossword or something. That's tough. So I'd like to see more of that. At least make the divas have a geisha match or something. Slutty geishas, of course.

Let's fact check Jake here for a second: he guarantees that he will be the TV champion again. Wanna guess how that turned out? He didn't get it. Now, he would go to WCCW and win their TV title, but that's not really the same thing. However, I guess he's techincally correct. Checkmate, Snake.

Interesting note about the match their talking about: Ronny Garvin wanted to challenge Jake for that TV title, but the Snake wouldn't budge, probably because he knew he was supposed to lose it. So Garvin had to mortgage his house to pay Jake enought money to get him to take the match. I like that. These days, guys are just handed title matches like it's nothing. Sure they win a little bit or something to get there, but they really don't put a whole lot on the line. Garvin could have been homeless if this whole thing didn't work out. I think that's a pretty good story.

The ironic thing is now Jake's the one that's pretty much homeless.

He does drugs, is incoherent, and shows his penis to strangers...that's homeless.

W.W.W. featuring Jake "The Snake" Roberts and Jeff Hardy vs D'Lo Brown

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your insider picks for a fantasy wrestling league ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Jake "The Snake" Roberts Wasted! part 1 - Drunken Interview



Matt's reponse...

"A man of his word - Jake the Snake Roberts. Back to ringside." -Overwhelmed Backstage Interviewer

Ahhh, Jake. There you are. True to form as always. In those few words up there, the poor man tasked with interviewing at the Heroes of Wrestling PPV, who surely had to have had a long night up until now, pretty much says the only thing that can be said. A true hero of wrestling, that man stuck it out with a straight face and threw back to the ring in style. Kudos, my friend.

Now, as I said a moment ago, this was at a PPV event called Heroes of Wrestling, from Casino Magic in Bay St. Louis, Missouri. The idea was to bring a bunch of aging wrestlers in for a few matches and make a load of money off nostalgia; pretty much what TNA is doing now, only this was ten years ago. Only 29,000 homes purchased the event. I'm pretty sure we could generate more pay-per-view buys with video of us shirtless picking our belly button lint. The rest of the planned events were canceled, and the organizer places a lot of the blame of the failure on the shoulders on Jake.

I'll get to that more in a minute, but I want you to check out the rest of the card for that night:

• Samu and the Samoan Savage versus Marty Jannetty and Tommy Rogers
• Greg Valentine versus George Steele
• Too Cold Scorpio versus Julio Fantastico
• The Bushwackers versus the Iron Sheik and Nicolai Volkoff
• Tully Blanchard versus Stan Lane
• Abdullah the Butcher versus One Man Gang
• Jimmy Snuka versus Bob Orton, Jr.
• Jim Neidhart and King Kong Bundy versus Jake Roberts and Yokozuna

Now, it should be noted that King Kong and Bundy and Yokozuna were slated to main event, but they were called in to clean up the Roberts mess. Still, would any of those matches get you excited to buy this thing?? Even ten years ago?? I think Jake, if anything, made this event a legend, rather than destroying the show. I can guarantee some dude called his friends and said, "Man, you have to pick this up. Jake is losing his mind." That surely generated at least one more buy, because no one else was going to pick this dog of a pay-per-view up, which the "wrestling community" has dubbed the "worst of all-time."

Back to Jake. You may have noticed the "Part 1" on the video. That means, yes, there's a part 2, and yes, I'm going to show it to you. If you do anything on this site, watch this video:



This video cuts off before the match starts, at which point Jake "held his snake between his legs, representing an erect penis, and then simulated masturbation for several seconds before lying down on the mat, apparently disoriented or close to passing out." (Wikipedia) I'd like to believe that Jake was simply committed to act and once he was done simulating rubbing one out, he simulated what most guys do afterwards and took a nap. It was here that Bundy and Yokozuna were called in to "save" the match.

Some might say that Jake is familiar with gambling; you might even say that he does it every day just getting out of bed. But I think you can tell from his promo earlier in the night that he really doesn't know much about it, considering he seems not to realize that "21" and "blackjack" are the same thing, that having 22 does not benefit you in either, and that having "too many" aces and 8's really doesn't mean a damn thing. So say what you want about Roberts, at least he's not blowing his cash in the casino. GOOD JOB!


Matt's video to Adam-Jeff hardy vs D'Lo Brown Heat Match (VERY RARE)



Adam's response

It seems as if the new bit dujour round WWW is the concept of ownership for these videos. Now, we specify in the beginning that the one rule here is that a video cannot be user created, thereby inferring all ownership to the original party that broadcast it (more often then not, World Wrestling Entertainment). Still, we often see in the video description something along the lines "I don't own this, please don't remove!" We also see, as in this case, someone watermarking there own logo onto the video.

For those not in the know, watermarking is a form of Digital Rights Management (DRM). DRM is rather hot issue in the media business right now, as it is an attempt to protect intellectual property rights by punishing legal consumers. In short, DRM is a form of control software that has been expanding with the proliferation of the Internet and digital music downloads.

In addition to watermarking, DRM exists within CD's that prevent ripping, subscription models in services like Napster and Rhapsody, and unique access codes to use, sort of like playing a video game on a PC. Additionally, there are usage restrictions. Until just recently, Apple's iTunes service sold DRM song files that could only be put onto Apple's iPod music player. Essentially, to use iTunes, the world's leading music seller, you had to own Apple hardware, thereby providing a competitive disadvantage to the consumer.

Of course, this is all done for some fairly noble reasons. Afterall, artist's and IP rights holders should not be subject to end-user abuses or piracy. This also encourages the consmumer to have a responsible purchase behavior and promote artistry.



Still, it's a hot button issue because of its attitude towards the legal consumer. In addition to being a public relations nightmare, it's also fairly worthless to stop piracy. At its most basic, DRM can be circumvented through the "analog loop", which is the digital equivalent of putting two tape recorders together and pressing record on one and play on the other.

Which brings me to THEBESTJEFFFAN (TBJF to his homies on the top left and right). This is an analog loop. Look at the terrible quality in both video and sound. I can hardly tell Jeff Hardy is a drug addict (or "young daredevil" as Jerry Lawler calls him) from this video. Or who blew what spots. It's a degenerated, degraded mess thanks to years of illegal tape trading.

But that's not for me to decide. No, it's far more important for you, the humble media scholars of the LOL, Wresslin' army to make your own choices. Ponder this questions and leave a written response in the comments or email. You will be graded.

1. Should the government become more involved in the DRM debate to regulate its use?
2. Do corporations lose cache with their customers by using DRM on their properties? Do the benefits outweigh the negatives?
3. Will DRM become standardized throughout the world eventually?
4. How do you think artists feel about their creations being protected by DRM? Should it be enhanced to protect their IP?

Groove is in the heart

SEASON'S BEATINGS!

Slow times around the offices of the Laugh Twins. Sure, there's some stuff going on around earth-53, but most of it centers around how awful the build towards Wrestlemania has been. Although we could write a thesis on that topic, that brand of discussion is usually best served as a bookmarks for the week. What else is going on? Well a certain someone failed the test, but we're not talented enough to make it funny after that line that would break our "be nice" New Year's resolution.

Thus out of the doldrums of uncreativity we present to you a list. No, not that silly little thing we did a few weeks ago. Rather, a list of personal favorites. The top 8 wrestler entrance themes in WWF/WWE history! Why? Because an awesome entrance can make a good wrestler a legend and an awful wrestler a star! Take WCW's Glacier for example:

Er...ummm

And of course, music is more important then just fancy lights and dancing. The crowd needs to be in sync with the superstar. We need to breath in the same increments that he breaths (albeit..a little heavier.) A few ground rules before we start listing. First, these will only be songs written for the sole use of wrestling entrances. Thus, every theme Rey Mysterio and Edge have ever had will not be here. Keep in mind, we're fine with name bands providing themes, but it must be written for the purpose of wrestling. Also, we won't be posting the videos, just link to them. Open the links in new browsers and listen up. We clear? Then without further adieu, let's commence with the list!

8) Chavo Guerrero

Odd choice? Well that's to show you that we put thought into this! Clearly we know our stuff if we picked such a no name theme to open the list! Seriously though, this song rules. A nice slow build as Chavito Heat struts his way down the ramp. Listen. The bass opens as an eighth note but speeds up to a sixteenth! All while the timbali keeps a steady time signature! This song is poetry! Throw in some horns for a melody and you got yourself eight place!

7) "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes

Dusty Rhodes was a big draw working the NWA territories in the 1980's. He had some epic title matches with Ric Flair. Thus, you would fully expect him to be treated with respect and dignity when he finally signed Vince McMahon's lucrative deal to come up north.


Yea, you know us too well at this point. What did Vince do? He put him in polka dots and made him dance in the ring with an Aunt Jemima impersonator (named Sweet Sapphire!). Naturally, this would be doomed from the start. Except for this epic theme song. And lo and behold, ole' Dusty made the best of it and didn't tarnish his legacy one bit...

...until he sired these disappointments

6) Chris Jericho

He's had various remixes over the years, but they're all essentially the same tune. What makes it work? Crunch guitars, drop D tuning, vocals sung through a condenser mic. True, that can be said for most butt metal bands of the early 2000's, but this one just works. It's character specific, and throws in a few biblical allusions for good measure. After all, the Y2J problem came to save us from boring television much as Save_us.222 did. It's the perfect sound for his character and is deserving of our praise.

5) Mr. McMahon

We're just going to get this out of the way. All the songs fit their character. That's why they're ranked so high. But good Lord, does this one just hit it out of the park. Very similar to Jericho's, except it came first and has a pretty sick bass break down on the bridge.

4) Jake "The Snake" Roberts (heel)

Yes, sometimes wrestlers change their music when they change sides. You can't be cheering "Head!" when you want to boo Al Snow, right? Thus, this John Carpenter inspired tune for probably the greatest ring psychologist ever conveys every feeling of terror, unpredictability, and ultimate failure (you know (tm) he never won a title in the WWF? We know this stuff isn't legit competition, but he was never considered a big enough draw or dependable enough to have a strap put on him. Which would be good because he has a habit of not wearing pants) that comes with The Snake. What makes this one so special is that is isn't all that different from his face music. It was just darker. Or to us? Perfect.

3) Hulk Hogan

Once again, just to show you that we're paying attention, we're throwing you this curve ball. Yes, it's iconic. Yes we know every word by heart and love the music video for it. And yes, it might make us do more jumping jacks then the two above it. But we don't get the same glee we get listening to it as we do the next two. Still, it's a classic, and deserves our respect, no matter what his ex-wife's people may say.

2) Any Motorhead song used by HHH

Trick question. Lemmy is God.

1) "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiase

Do we need to justify this? It's number one for a reason. It's awesome. The end.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHH!

MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY-EEEEEE!


BONUS UPDATE: We also want to mention the theme song of Jesse and Festus. Although not great, we just love screaming "Biscuits and GRAAAVVVYYY!!" around the office.

W,W,W, featuring Jake Roberts/Rick Rude and The Macho Man Randy Savage

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff then us

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your music video dedicated to the fantasy couple of Mickie James and Kane ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Rick Rude reveals Cheryl Roberts



Matt's response...

The men behind LOL, Wresslin' are a classy duo. I believe this, and I think Adam would agree with me. At any given time, one or both of us can be found excelling at various activities and charming the pants (and more) off young, attactive ladies. We pride ourselves in providing internet wrestling comedy of a caliber beyond that found on any 13-year-old's blog who fancies himself the next Dane Cook. We're college educated gentlemen, and we bring that sensibility with us when we discuss professional wrestling, as I think we've demonstrated time and again on this very virtual space.

Artist's rendition of the Laugh Twins

However, when Adam sends me a video of two grown men pulling each other's pants off, you'll excuse me if I take the low road.

I told you I was gonna take 'em, and I took 'em. Oh yeah, didn't you look cute, huh? And Rude...get another pair and put 'em on, because it doesn't matter where we're at, I'll take 'em off again.

That's an actual quote from Jake's promo.

Hehehehe

Ok, ok. Sorry.

Why didn't I expect you to slither in from behind like the snake you are?

LOLOLOLOLOLOL

So this particular fued is ostensibly over the fact that Rick Rude keeps putting a picture of Jake Roberts' wife on his tights - a move that would certainly get the most sheepish of husbands to raise an eyebrow. How much of an insult it equates to is beyond me. It seems more like an oddity, but since this is wrestling, there's no reason it shouldn't be sorted out with your fists, and Rick Rude should take a ridiculous back drop for it.


Yeah, Mean Gene, these two certainly are on a "collision course," but I submit to you that this act of pantsing was inspired not by Jake's head or his heart, but something a little further south. I present the only piece of evidence I need:


HOW BIG IS THAT DOT?? It covers his entire body!!


Seriously, that's just insane. I know why he went after Rick's tights, and it has less to do with his wife and more to do with wanting a little ravishing of his own.


Yeah, you're gonna have live up to your nickname of "Snake." Work on unhinging that jaw.


Sorry kid, you're out of league here.


Matt's Video to Adam: Macho Man Interview on Prime Time Wrestling 1987



Adam's response...

"Inside the Head of Mean Gene Okerlund"
by Adam

"Wrestlemania III at the Silverdome in Pontiac, Michigan, a day I'm certain that my guest at this time will not forget. I'm talking about the former Intercontinental champion of the world, Macho Man Randy Savage."

"Noth-"

"Nothing means nothing? What do you mean by that?"

Oh Lord, what is this purple monster doing? He's just screaming nonsense at me. I sure hope he doesn't take out of frustrations on me. Maybe I shouldn't of said "former" like that. What's that he has in his hand? Coffee creamer? What? Oh, the cream rises, good one Randy.

Hmm..better get this microphone in a better position.

Did he just throw that cream? That better not have gotten on my shoe. I just polished these at the Minneapolis airport. Better check...

Oh geez, he's calling out President Jack Tunny. This can't end well for him.

Where did he get that creamer? It's magic! It just appeared out of nowhere! Well goddammit, Gene, you're a reporter! Better get the story.

"What, wait a minute!"

Oh, real smooth there, Gene. Real smooth. Macho Man probably thinks you're a colossal idiot right about now. Look! He just put a creamer in my jacket pocket! That confirms it! He thinks I'm an idiot! Oh well, play it cool, play it cool. Don't want to be ax handle smashed or anything.

"What...wait a minute Randy. I've got ask you something, very seriously. Do you blame Mr. Jack Tunny, the distinguished president of the World Wrestling Federation, for Ricky Steamboat being the Intercontinental champion today?"

Nice. Well played Gene-o! That broadcasting school is really paying off. Will Randy quit knocking my mic out of the way? I know his arms are huge, but he can have a little tact for my job, couldn't he? It's not easy being me. Not only do I consistently feel weaker then Wendi Richter, but I'm also not as interesting as the people I work with. You figure the wrestlers would take that into consideration and take a little pity on me!

Oh why did he put it on his head? It's only going to fall- see there it went. It must be insufferable to live with this man. I feel bad for Elizabeth. I wonder what she looks like naked.

Yea, that's right. Uh oh, getting some wood. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts.


BLARGH! That's better.

"You know, just out of curiosity Randy, and I certainly don't want to diminish your tremendous, uh, God given talents, but, but, I'm very curious, I haven't seen Elizabeth lately."

The cream. again? I need to get off this Elizabeth topic or I'm going to make my own cream. Heheh, you still got it Gene. Uh oh, there's that boner again. Better wrap this one up.

W.W.W. featuring Jake "The Snake" Roberts and "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibase

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your "How to Make Ronnie James Dio in Smackdown vs Raw 2008" video ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- Bill Apter Interviews Jake Roberts




Adam's response...

Ok kids, calm down. We'll have our fun with Mr. Roberts soon enough. But let's take a deep breath and really look at this video. There is more then one person it. In addition to The Snake we have the man interviewing him, a man known only as Bill Apter.

Who is this Bill Apter character? Well, using the finest research tools at my disposal I was able to learn that he's been writing about professional wrestling since the 1970's. He wrote primarily for Pro Wrestling Illustrated, which was a known as a "mark magazine" in contrast to the "dirt sheets." Basically, magazines like PWI kept up kayfabe and covered pro wrestling like it was legitimate sporting competition. However, think of it more in vain with Soap Opera Digest rather then Sports Illustrated. Still, if Mr. Apter is continuing the charade that wrestling is real, then clearly speaking to a legend like Jake would be quite the honor, rather then the uncomfortable, slightly smelly encounter it truly is. After all, on Earth-53, the DDT is respected!

Anyway, this is a fairly recent interview that happened at the Legends of the Ring convention. Wait, Legends of the Ring? That sounds oddly familiar. Well Jake seems to be in good spirits. For some reason though he doesn't like Cleveland. Wonder why that would be?

It's a mystery

Oh, right. Well let's not dwell on the negatives. Let's talk about the positives. Jake's blogging! Like us! He has The Raw Report. The Raw Report? Is that the best you can come up with? What about Snake's Thoughts on the Monday Night Wrestling Related Program produced by World Wrestling Entertainment (inc) and aired on the USA Network, a division of Universal? Or at least Roberts's Raw Report, keep it a little more personal and alliterative, you dolt.

Still, he says we can find this blog on his official website, which is a Myspace profile. Listen Jake, we've been hard on you before, but seriously dude, I'm a little worried. This is honest advice. A Myspace profile is not a personal website. It's not even a real website. Hell, anything .blogspot isn't an official website. It's a space on the net that allows advertisers to know exactly what you like and thus they can send me ads that say "25 and single?" I shudder to think of the ads you get when web browsing, Snake.

Anyway, I'm going to peruse the man's "website." Marital status- single. Well no surprise there. Children? Proud parent. That must be a default, because I don't think Jake is proud of his kids. I can say with certainty that his kids aren't proud of him (no I can't). We can order some great Snake merchandise by going through his handler, farmgirl (at) atlantic (dot) net. Yup, not store (at) jakeroberts (dot) com. Not even through a third party wrestling store. Nope, some female farmer somewhere on the east coast. Oh, and here's a photo of Jake and his publicist.



Wow, what young boy did he kidnap from soccer practice? Well by using the finest research tools at my disposal I was able to conclude that this "man" is a 23 year old undergraduate at the University of Florida. That's right, he hasn't graduated from the state institution of the state with the lowest educational system in the country. I'm sure he can get some good publicity. Oh, and look at this suicide note he left for all his Myspace friends!



Why are we here again? Oh right, The Raw Report!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Jake re: Orton-McMahon Thought I would do something different. And since I enjoy the Randy Orton and Jericho ending to Raw, just like to say how I think it would have been better. Can't get much better than Jericho on his knees...But with Orton, here's how I would have done it. First, I would have not let Stephanie leave the ring. Instead would have had her there and one of two things would have happened. When Vince went to fire Randy, could have had Vince duck and hit Stephanie. Then, as Vince was tending over his daughter baby-popper, then have Orton kick and do the damage to Vince. Actually not my first choice. My choice would have been Randy nail Vince as he's firing him which knocks him into Stephanie. Stephanie could go down or not, and if not, she comes at Orton who throttles her and as Vince comes up, shoves her on her ass and does the damage on Vince. But I still think, the best would be for her to be knocked down and Vince hovering over her, and as he turns and fires Orton, then Orton starts to leave and just turns and does the kick. To me, that's heat. Just a thought, and to show that this old fart still knows what he's doing, you tell me which one would be more heat. What I suggested, or what you were given. See you soon. Jake

Bill Apter would make the safest comment ever and say that, "Raw has its highs points and its low points." Jake would say "Raw should attack Stephanie." I'm going to say both comments suck.

Anyway, this is wrapping up. One last question for Snake: "How would a Jake/Rey Mysterio match go?" My guess? Badly. Jake's response? "Hopefully longer then five minutes." Hahah! Good one! Seriously. Jake showed a little humility and had a pretty good line, invoking both his own mortality and Rey's unbelievable conditioning. Nice going. What's that? He's continuing? "Because that's about how long matches go now.." Oh come on! Seriously? It's the system's fault? I bet you could still be a world champion, today, right Jake? Having a hot feud with Bob Backlund or something?

What?!? Scott Hall shows up out of nowhere? Wow! Thanks Matt, this video ruled.

Adam's video to Matt - Million Dollar Man's Thanksgiving



Matt's response...

SEASON'S BEATINGS!

Huh? It's the end of January? Well, I just thought since Adam sent me a Thanksgiving video, I had lapsed into a coma and awoken at the holidays. Which made me wonder who'd been writing my articles since then...

Well, ok, this is certainly disappointing. I mean, I agree with Jesse "The Body" in that I would LOVE to know how Ted DiBiase spends his Thanksgiving, but I tend to wonder that around, oh say, Thanksgiving, perhaps? Anyway, I'll charge ahead, being the soldier of the interwebs I am.

If the description on the video is to be believed (and since we believe Wikipedia, why not?) this is from 1987, which would make this the first Survivor Series PPV. Survivor Series has featured a lot of great superstars. In fact, just three years later, The Undertaker would make his debut at this PPV, brought in by our subject today, The Million Dollar Man. Coincidence? Yeah, probably.

So Jesse Ventura wants to know what DiBiase does on Thanksgiving, and Gorilla Monsoon imagines it's deplorable. Sure, let's paint everyone with a broad stroke, 'Rilla. Give the man a chance; maybe he feeds orphans on Thanksgiving.

Well, no. He rides around in a limo apparently, counting his money again and again. I mentioned to Adam today that this is probably the best gimmick to have at the time. Rather than Jake Roberts, who had to be greasy and carry a snake around, or even Hulk Hogan, M.D.M's thing was to go around acting like a big shot all the time. And in a day when kayfabe was protected, that was pretty cool.

So this video really has nothing to do with Thanksgiving and is more a highlight (or lowlight) reel of all of DiBiase's despicable deeds. We start with him offering a kid three hundred dollars to do ten push-ups. Seriously? This is easy. Here we go, kid. Make mom and dad proud!

He can't do it?! Come on! Look, I wasn't all that athletic of a kid, and I'm not all that athletic of a grown-up either, but I can do ten push-ups, especially if you're going to throw piles of cash of at me. And Ted didn't even have to do anything to make this kid lose. He just couldn't do it! What are you, fifty pounds, maybe? I hope your parents whipped the crap out of you when you got home and got you to chopping wood or something. Lazy kids these days.

Now this next one is just full of racial stereotyping. You have this little black kid who's challenged to dribble a basketball fifteen times for five bills. Oh yeah? A basketball? Maybe that kid likes other sports, like tennis or hockey. Why a basketball, Mr. Man? Oh, and he says it's obvious the kid needs the money. That his family needs the money. Well why is that? He's got to be poor, does he? Well, we'll see who's poor when he goes all Harlem Globetrotter on you.


HAHAHA, now that's legitimately funny. Get the kid all the way up to fourteen and then kick the ball away. That's what I expect from a top heel. Now, scoot on back to the ghetto from whence you came, young'un.

Next is a woman who's asked to bark like a dog for money. You know what, he was right to not pay her. That was a terrible job.

Well, finally he's sitting down to eat. This is what I wanted to see. Just what does one eat with a million dollars? Not turkey?? Booooo, how is this Thanksgiving? He eats squab.

Anyone who gets this reference has my undying respect.

His last act is kicking kids out of the pool. Somehow, I think this was set up. I can't quite figure out why, but something about that reverse angle from inside the pool manager's booth is fishy. Anyway, Virgil helps the guy out and gets the kid out. Some might again think this is staged, seeing as how all the kids file out in a disciplined manner. Honestly though, are you going to argue with this guy?

Lifeguard on duty

At the end, we see Ted DiBiase driving around in an expensive car. You know how I know it's expensive? Because he can record his lines while driving with the top down and there's not a hint of wind or road noise. Now THAT'S impressive, sir!

Happy New Year: We'll be better this time

SEASON'S BEATINGS!


Oh yes, the new year. 2009. Not even a day into it, and still there's so much promise. So much to do, so much to improve. The new year marks new beginnings and a fresh start on life. A chance to reboot the old head computer and a install a new operating system, with fresh new programs that work a lot better than the old ones; and while you're at it, go ahead and upgrade your video card, because we all know there's going to be some sort of killer game that just won't run with your old hardware. Unless of course you game on a home console, and then that part of the analogy means dick to you.

Where were we?

Right, New Year's Day. Almost as obligatory as getting plowed on New Year's Eve and making out with your best friend's girlfriend or possibly your best friend, is waking up the next day and saying, "I'm never doing that again." Thus we have New Year's resolutions - those self-imposed mandates to live a better life, and at which we can look 364 days from now and realize how big of a failure we are.

LOL, Wresslin' may seem like an enigmatic, face-less Internet site that spews mounds and mounds of comedy and contempt on a daily basis, but we assure you there are two real people behind the scenes. Two people just like you (OK, maybe not JUST like you; we're better than you). Seeing as how no matter how perfect someone is, they can always be perfecter, we've decided to put together a list of New Year's resolutions that we will stand by in this, the ninth year after the world ended in 2000.

We will spellcheck.

Sometimes this ceaseless stream of consciousness comes at a price: accuracy. Now, it should be obvious that part of our gimmick is playing on the ubiquitous Internet meme of LOLcats, which forces us to misspell things occasionally.

And sometimes be completely inscrutable

But that doesn't mean our writing has to mirror that. Even though the kind folks at Google have thought to include a spellchecker on Blogger, our spelling occasionally is so terrible, the computer assumes we're typing in a different language and ignores it completely. There's nothing to match the human eye, so we will implement a technique used by actual writers: proofreading.

We will give the other brands a chance.

You may have already noticed that this blog is WWE-centric. And if you haven't noticed that yet, welcome to LOL, Wresslin'!

The few times we've even mentioned the competing brands (TNA, and some other combinations of letters), it's with disdain and an air of superiority. So this year, we will put away the unfounded hate and commit to write about (and possibly even watch!) some of the various wrestling programs that aren't put on by the WWE. That is, until we really do hate them.

We will improve our photoshop skills.

The mark of a good website is the ability to manipulate well-known images into something that better suits the purpose of the article, or something that is simply very funny. We lack that ability. Every now and again, we will enlist the help of our friend Brian to do some work for us. The difference between his photoshopping and ours is stark and, quite frankly, embarrassing.

Made by Brian:

Awesome!

Made by us:

Seriously?

So we'll do our best to get better at the whole photo manipulation thing, or just get Brian to do stuff for us and claim it as ours.

We will get rowdy.

Not sure what all this will entail, but we do know we were not fortunate enough to be that way before it was cool. Now that "rowdy" is apparently cool, we're a little behind the times, and in 2009, that will change. From henceforth, the Laugh Twins are rowdy. If you are in a bar and some patron remarks, "That fella over there at the pinball table sure is getting rowdy," chances are you're in the same bar as one of us. Congratulations. Buy us a drink, and maybe we'll get rowdy with you.

We will be nicer.

Sure, we seem heartless, but there are times when we sometimes hover over the "Publish Post" button and think, "Is this too mean?" Then we just press it anyway, and laugh all the way to the bank. Not that we're getting paid for this - we just needed to deposit the unemployment check. But in 2009, we'd like to consider the feelings of others. We know that the wrestlers we make fun of are public figures, probably don't read this, and deserve it anyway, but they just might wander to this corner of the interwebs and really get their feelings hurt. So, from this point forward, we will make a concerted effort to rein in the vitriol and maybe even add something positive to the online community.

Eh, never mind.

We will always LOL at Wresslin'.

Pretty much the entire reason this blog exists. Not that we didn't do this before now, but we are reaffirming to ourselves that whatever changes our lives see, wherever we may be led, and whatever may happen to our little slice of the Internet pie, we will always find something to laugh about in professional wrestling. We hope you join us, and if you do, WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE A COMMENT ABOUT IT, YOU NON-CONTRIBUTING MASS OF HUMAN FAT?

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? vol. 12

SEASON'S BEATINGS!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

Twas' the day after Christmas, and Adam does not have the energy to put into a Smackdown recap. Let's just get this done.

The second best thing to hit Baltimore after The Wire was Smackdown last week, and why not since it was a helluva a show! We all remember how Jeff Hardy finally got his shit clean for twenty minutes and was able to finally win the WWE title. So what better way then to have a celebration of Scarface like proportions.

Push it to the limit

Of course, there's no rest for those who stay up on four day benders, but more on that later.



The build to the Royal Rumble started out with not one, but two different tag team title feuds! And what better way to do that then with singles matches!? Whhhaaaaa?? I know, it doesn't make sense either. Well, the Colon Bros. are going to be defending their WWE Tag Titles any day now against The Brian Kendrick and his black man servant, Ezekiel "Action" Jackson. That's because ole Zeke beat up a much smaller Puerto Rican, so rather then be arrested for a hate crime and be lambasted in the NY Post, him and his friend prosper. Well, I guess Earth-53 mirrors Earth-Prime sometimes....

I am of course referring to The Rock Bottom, you numbskull.

Also, Jesse and Festus are feuding with new World Tag Team champs, John "I'm not fat like Val Kilmer" Morrison, and The "I really should be feuding with Jeff Hardy" Miz. Here's one thing I fail to understand. I know Morrison and the Miz are on the ECW roster, which means they are free to appear on any show due to the ECW talent exchange that was negotiated between ECW General Manager Teddy Long and the respective managements of the other remaining WWE brands. So Morrison and Miz are allowed to compete against Raw talents, and rightfully have a shot at the previous World Tag champs, CM Punk and Kofi Kingston. Now, they happened to win those titles. Great. But wouldn't that then make them part of the Raw roster? Or at the very least, preclude them from defending those titles against Smackdown competition? Sure, they have yet to actually run a title match with J&F, but it's coming. You can't give a big palooka like Festus a Wet Willy and not expect payback. I mean really, come on.



Anyway, Morrison beat Festus.

This shot must smell so bad.

Also, Maryse beat up Maria, because Maria is dumb or something. Maryse is the #1 contender for Michelle McCool's Divas' title tonight. I'll only show you the stand off, because the horrifying details of how we got to this point are too grim for me to display. I abhor violence in all it's forms, after all.

Good Lord am I so depressingly lonely. I'm going to be spending my New Year's Eve staring in the mirror and screaming "You failure!" for three hours.

Finally, Jeff Hardy does not defend his title in a match against Vlad Kozlov! Speed vs power! Agility vs less agility! Currently disgraced nation vs formerly disgrace nation! Let's do this!

Basically this match went like every match. Jeff was holding his own and was doing very well against the much bigger Kozlov. Kozlov would dominate the offense when he was on it, very nearly pinning Jeff numerous times. Thankfully, the crowd was solidly behind Daryl Strawberry, as they would never allow him to give in. Finally, just when it looked like Jeff would eek it out and pin the Moscow Mauler for THE FIRST TIME EVER((!!!), that dastardly Edge interferes! Golly, he must be awful sore about losing his title the other day.



But then, the King of Kings descended from the gorilla position to save Corey Feldman! All is right in the Kingdom of Smack!

Odds and evens; heh, I get it.

Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you...stranger.

What Christmas miracles await us tonight behind that Smackdown door? My sources tell me there are a bunch of title matches in store. Better watch and see! 8/7c, MyNetworkTV!