A bunch of things we've all heard of

If you spend some time surfing the internet (and if you're reading this, you've probably spent a lot of time wandering into corners of the web that you'd rather find your way out of), then you're likely familiar with "the list." You know what we're talking about - 10 best movies about ninjas, Top 12 songs featuring T-Pain, the best Saturday morning cartoons of 1992. They all follow a similar format: a list of fairly recognizable items with a few cursory, and possibly witty, remarks accompanying them, all meant to pluck a tone off your heartstrings and elicit the "this guy is talking about things I remember!" response.

Occasionally you'll find the odd list about wrestling, perhaps the best wrestlers of the 80s. Seeing as how most of the sites that do this sort of thing aren't wrestling related, the lists they create seem to be based off of some fond memory from when they were young, buttressed by generic photos and whatever could be scrounged up on Wikipedia. We're not insulting people who Wiki from time to time - this site would hardly exist were it not for them - but we also like to think that we have a little knowledge of our own on this silly little business. And what we don't have in knowledge, we easily fill with unremarkable comedy and utter bullshit.

LOL, Wresslin' has never been one for lists. In fact, we don't think we've ever done one, and if you call us on that, we'll just delete the blog entry. So much for your proof! But seeing as how any non-wrestling site that wants can do a list of wrestlers, the wrestling comedy blog of record should have a crack at it. So we present to you to our list of the Top 5 Wrestlers of the 80's, in no particular order, and done completely from memory. Forgive us if we're a little off on our facts; we're internet comedians, not historians for goodness sake!

Hulk Hogan

Height: taller than you

Weight: beefy

Real name: Bruce Banner

Finishing move: a good left hook

Fan nickname: Hogan's Heroes

Facts: The first wrestler ever. Thanks to Hogan, professional wrestling exists, not only as you see it today, but period. Hogan had everything: looks, a vast and skilled move set, charisma, and despite all of that, a perfectly manageable ego. Never one to look out for himself, Hogan was always concerned with putting his fellow wrestler over and still is to this day. Once slammed Andre the Giant




Andre the Giant

Height: 9 feet

Weight: at least 900 pounds

Real name: Fezzik

Finishing move: Seriously? He's 1000 pounds. He sits on you or whatever.

Fan nickname: Fandres

Facts: The biggest man in the history of the universe. Biblically large. He once drank 1,000 beers and then drove from Idaho to Dublin, where he drank 1,000 more. Once slammed by Hulk Hogan.








"Rowdy" Roddy Piper

Height: 2 meters and then some

Weight: 19 stone 2

Real name: Rowdy Piperson

Finishing move: the Bagpipe Bomb

Fan nickname: the Pipettes

Facts: Wears a kilt. Once painted himself half-black so he could get away with committing hate crimes. Hosted a segment called the Piper's Pit, which was not set in a pit at all. Rowdy long before rowdy was cool. Once fought Mr. T and aliens. Saw Hogan slam Andre.






"The Nature Boy" Ric Flair

Height: 6 feet 1 inch

Weight: 242 pounds

Real name: Richard Fliehr

Finishing move: the Figure-Four leglock

Fan nickname: homo sapien

Facts: Adopted by a phsyician and a theater writer, and grew up in Edina, Minnesota. Debuted in 1972 in Rice Lake, Wisconsin, where he took the ring name Ric Flair. Won his first championship, the NWA World Heavyweight Championship, on September 17, 1981, after defeating Dusty Rhodes. Founding member of the legendary stable The Four Horseman. Won the heavyweight title sixteen times. Retired in 2008 at Wrestlemania 24. Heard about Hogan slamming Andre.




Mr. Perfect

Height: 6 feet even

Weight: exactly 250 pounds

Real name: William Perfect

Finishing move: living a perfect life, which devastated every opponent

Fan nickname: God

Facts: Can throw a football to himself. Never misses a basketball shot and never hits the rim. Can toss a towel to himself. Shoots under par at golf every time. Slaps gum out of mid-air. Never lost a single match. Always flips heads. Cannot die. Slammed Hogan while he was slamming Andre.

W.W.W featuring Paul E. Dangerously & Tony Schiavone and Andre the Giant

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your compilation of every superkick ever delivered ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam - Paul E. Dangerously and Tony Schiavone host WCW



Adam's response...

The more and more I think about it, the more and more I like the idea of the studio show. It makes things seem a little more legitimate. Like we are actually watching a sports telecast, and we have the halftime crew who can sit there and break things down, tell us what's going on, etc. I know that the product now likes to be "spontaneous", but all that does is further make things look phonier.

Regardless, the NWA/WCW has their main event on TBS Superstation, hosted by our favorite, interrupting broadcaster Tony Schivone. And he has a special guest this week, none other then Paul E. Dangerously (the E stands for EXXXTREME!). Paul here decides to give Tony some of his own medicine, consistently cutting off this imbecile, serving only his own needs. He's cutting promos on Jim Cornette, citing how Cornette will be gone from the NWA. I don't quite know why he's bragging about wearing a cast or sling, but he sure seems gleeful that he'll have his phone with him. He's serious too. He'll even invoke the help of "you know who." I certainly do, Paul. I mean, I'm not a praying man, but Superman, if you can hear Paul, please help him out at Chi-Town Rumble '89!

Our second segment has Schivone plugging the big title match between Ric Flair and Ricky Steamboat at the aforementioned Chi-Town Rumble (not exactly royal, is it?). Here's where Paul E. takes issue. He rightfully believes in Ric Flair's championship reign, but doesn't have a clue as to how Steamboat got a title shot. He says that Steamboat came out of nowhere to attack Flair. He's never heard of such a thing. Well pro wrestling must have been way different in 1989, because this is pretty much the way things are done now.

Oh wait. Things aren't any different. Busy body Schivone decided to tattle on Paul and remind him that that was actually how Paul E. debuted in the NWA. Well exccuuuuusssseee me! Still, Paul takes it in stride, saying that a good idea will always be stolen. This is consistent with Paul E.'s future, as pretty much every idea and concept he ever had was stolen by more successful people. Well, except for that mullet.

The best part of this entire video is when Paul decides to be all slick and throw his phone in the air and catch it. Of course he fails and the phone hits the floor and rolls away. You can stop holding your breath because the phone is fine. Why wouldn't it be fine? It's a brick. Look at that thing. But that's not why it's great. What made it so great is that this was clearly filmed in one take. No re-dos. Just get the message across and we'll tell you when we're stopping tape. This kinda of professionalism is single handily what makes pro wrestling so great and so reviled at the exact same time. I love it.

Anyway, the third segment opens up with some obtuse thinking. Schivone says "People have always wondered, and I, being a person has wondered-" Woah. Aren't we all people, man? That's just far out? Existential. Trippy. What is it we all wonder, Moon Flower? What is THE BIG QUESTION, Star Sailor?

Is your telephone loaded?

Oh. No, I've actually never wondered that. I just assumed it was, considering how he uses it as a weapon in the ring. Paul acts coy and says that Tony can examine the phone, but keep in mind, that this is not the same phone he brings to the ring (wink)! Ah, so Paul indicts himself and admits to cheating. Wouldn't that be a clear violation of his NWA contract? Get Jim Crockett on the phone!

He uses this tough guy pastiche to go into one final tirade against Jim Cornette, promising that Cornette will lose the match, and thus leaving town. He even begins to brag that he's in the best shape of his life. Really? Really? Yikes. Although, maybe he's right:

Paul today. Yeeessshhh.

Adam's video to Matt - Andre the Giant drinking alcohol



Matt's response...

"Anybody want a peanut?"

That's a BIG peanut...

There aren't a whole lot of wrestlers more legendary than Andre the Giant. In fact, I would say aren't ANY more legendary. We're obviously huge marks for the likes of Roddy Piper and Ric Flair, and while those two certainly have a more than their share of road tales, but there's a unique aura about Andre. He so familiar to us, yet so foreign at the same time. The autobiographies of any wrestler that spent time with him includes at least a chapter on the man. Even the related videos on YouTube are filled with "The time Andre did this..." and "Random Andre tale..."

(There's also this one, titled "first shot of alcohol," where a girl stands in a kitchen and most certainly does not take a shot of alcohol. The description simply says, "you decide!" Well, what in the hell are we supposed to decide? If it's her first shot of alcohol? She never takes it! So I wouldn't know. I decided that you're an idiot. How's that?)

This one recounts what I'm sure a lot of us have heard: Andre drinks. A LOT.

How much is "a lot"? Well, they mention the time he drank over a hundred beers in a single sitting. To put that into perspective, here's me after four beers...

Try and guess which one I am...

Modern Drunkard magazine (greatest thing ever?) posted an article dedicated only to the Giant. In it, they include some other stories, like the time he drank an entire case of wine. Again, I think we need to illustrate that.

Here's a bottle of wine:

Nice bottle of WINE, dumbass

Here's what normal people look like after a bottle of wine:


Here's a case of wine:


Here's Andre the Giant after a case of wine:


I think we can all agree that Andre the Giant was taken from us far too soon. But if he had lived longer, we'd be facing a severe alcohol shortage and would have to drink moonshine and look like this...


R.I.P. Big Guy.