Royal Rumble Live Blog...for the ladies...

Trick...or treat?

Before we get into our usual hilarious hijinx, we feel it's important to address something. Ray over at Wrestlegasm recently posted this humorless piece of vulgarity and is pinning it on us. Check it out and decide for yourself.

Anyway...

SEASON'S BEATINGS!!!

Yes, it's almost Halloween! Halloween is THE BEST! The weather is still nice enough to be outside, but not so hot your taint gets sweaty. Your also allowed to be a complete jerk in every possible way and drinking seasonal brews is encouraged! And girls are allowed to dress like TNA Knockouts and get away with it! Yes, Halloween is the one day of the year when we all live on Earth-53.

Now, we know what you're saying; "Twins, what about the candy? And the kids?" Well, we for one can't stand candy corn, but we do think that kids should be all about. Oh, you meant what should kids do for Halloween? Well, we surely are not advocating little kids to dress slutty and drink seasonal beers, but we're all for them celebrating it Earth-53 style. So what's the peanut butter to our Halloween chocolate? Simple. Wrestling costumes!

Yes, kids are at that wonderful age where dressing up as a flawed man in a depressing slave trade of an industry is totally ok. And good for them! Let's take a look at the disguises we'll see begging for candy this year:

TEH ANIMALE!!11BBQshiftoneone!!

Kiss ass

Immature dick jokes

Self-righteous bore

Black Islamic fundamentalist

Disgrace/Pipe Smoker

Drug Abuser

Drug abuser

Ok, that's kinda awesome

On second thought...maybe we'd prefer to smell the kids' feet...

It's over...for real this time

We're sure all of you have been closely following Blog War '09. That's admirable, and we appreciate you being on our side, but frankly, what have you been following?

Truthfully, there hasn't been much "war" lately in Blog War '09. Both sides have seemed perfectly content to co-exist on the internet; Ray does her thing, we do ours, though at a clearly higher capacity. We've seemed to accept that we were fighting over a poorly-lit and dusty corner of the web, and that it didn't matter much anyway. It's as if two nations went to war over some little island somewhere, but neither side officially declared war in the first place. That would be silly.

Somewhere like this, just for example.

However, don't think this means there wasn't a winner. Of course there was a winner. It was us!

Hello? Two Kings.

We're sure you're asking yourself, "How can you declare yourself the winner when the war never really ended?" Well, we can, and here's how. First, we remind that the war DID end, no matter how much Ray wants to deny that she didn't crudely sign her name on the Terms of Surrender drawn up in MS Paint. Nevertheless, we'll let that one slide, seeing as how there's some contention as to whether that counts.

We direct you, rather, to her two guest postings here on LOL, Wresslin' (which, again, were part of her surrender, but moving on...). We noticed something interesting when we read them. Well, two things. First, they weren't as good as ours, but second, there seemed to be a hidden code. We've read/seen/heard of The Da Vinci Code, so we know more than your average bear about hidden meanings.



Here are the first paragraphs of both of her W.W.W. entries:

After spending last Wednesday in delightful Dallas, it was time to hop on a plane and make my way to glamorous New York so that Adam could hand-deliver my video for this week. How did he hand-deliver a YouTube video? Shut up! You’re spoiling it! My love affair with New York City goes back some way, and was fully consummated when I visited for the first time in 2001 (pre 9/11). It then grew in to a borderline obsession. Despite a short MTV fueled fascination with LA, New York City has always been my number one place on the map.

First of all, let me say how strange but particularly exciting it feels to be hanging out at the Texas branch of LOL Wresslin. I feel a little bit like I’m trespassing and am pretty sure I’ll open a door to have a bucket of water fall on my head or something. I was also wholly convinced that my video would be something odd and unfathomable, engineered to catch me out and leave me with nothing to say. Imagine my joy at finding a humorous CM Punk video in my email inbox.

Using a complicated system of algorithms derived from the cosine of Pi, the Fibonacci sequence, and the Pythagorean theorem, we found this pattern in her words:

After spending last Wednesday in delightful Dallas, it was time to hop on a plane and make my way to glamorous New York so that Adam could hand-deliver my video for this week. How did he hand-deliver a YouTube video? Shut up! You’re spoiling it! My love affair with New York City goes back some way, and was fully consummated when I visited for the first time in 2001 (pre 9/11). It then grew in to a borderline obsession. Despite a short MTV fueled fascination with LA, New York City has always been my number one place on the map.

First of all, let me say how strange but particularly exciting it feels to be hanging out at the Texas branch of LOL Wresslin. I feel a little bit like I’m trespassing and am pretty sure I’ll open a door to have a bucket of water fall on my head or something. I was also wholly convinced that my video would be something odd and unfathomable, engineered to catch me out and leave me with nothing to say. Imagine my joy at finding a humorous CM Punk video in my email inbox.

Which when rearranged (according to the same algorithms) say:

I love LOL, Wresslin'. I say humorous, delightful, glamorous and number one. I'm last. I'll catch Adam on my head. Me feels exciting obsession consummated.

Now, we're not entirely sure what that last part means, but the math says it's in there, so we'll chalk that up to a cultural misunderstanding. In any case, she clearly has great words for us, and ranks the wrestling comedy blogs thusly:

1. Adam and Matt of LOL, Wresslin'
2. Ray of Wrestlegasm

Thank you for all the support over the past months, and we're so proud that we could be victorious for you. In celebration, we think you should light up some fireworks this weekend. You can wait until Saturday. It's cool.

Congratulations to Wrestlegasm!!!

Wow. Wowwy wowwy wow. What a momentous day this is! The little blog that could, Wrestlegasm, has hit seven weeks of blogging! Seven weeks of sporadic updates and Raw recaps! What a tremendous achievement in longevity and....well we guess just longevity. If only The Laugh Twins had a milestone to celebrate....

OH WAIT WE DO!

That's right. Today marks LOL, Wresslin's 200th post! "Hark!" the Herald Angel sings, glory to the Two Laugh Kings!

200 posts puts us in the 99th percentile of total blog posts. It's a scientific fact. Look it up in any journal.

Start there

Now, we know this little outburst is not like us. We're lauded throughout the World Wide Webiverse as both fair and humble (in fact, our humility is our finest quality). But we would be remiss if we didn't at least get a little pleased with ourselves here. This is amazing! 200 posts! Here's what we've learned over the previous 199:

• When it comes to wrestling and iPhones, we're second to none.
• When it comes to wrestling and video games, we're second to Maffew and El Gringo.
• Jake Roberts and Scott Hall never get old.
• TNA could be a lot worse.
• We really like the phrase "Season's Beatings!"
• We have seen something sad that's really sad and rhymes with me.
• If you've ever seen that sad thing you've seen someone who won't leave the memories alone.
• For the most part, our LOL Resolutions have been successful.
• We have only nice things to say about MMA. Wish the favor was mutual.
• CCW is the best.
• The Miz is the worst.
• Self-serving drivel.

Take all that into account and we think this landmark of blog posting sort of makes us the Matt Striker's of wrestling blogs. We're very erudite....

...and we'll forever be known for our longevity

BONUS: Join us for a toast, to the two kings! Long live the kings!

Laugh Twins triumphant

For a theme song to accompany our victory blog, please press play and enjoy...



The internet is a rough place, friends. When you run the preeminent wrestling comedy blog, it's an unavoidable truth that people are going to make a run at you, challenge you, test your mettle as the top dog. Well, not you, because you aren't the creators of said wrestling blog - we are. But as our readers, you understand.

We've paid for this top spot not only through our extensive creativity, but through our own blood and treasure. The latest upstart to butt heads with us was the one Ms. Ray from the UK (rhyming!), who runs the site Wrestlegasm. At first, it seemed we could coexist; she providing a Welsh perspective, us proving the clearly superior U.S. view. But those dreams were quickly dashed when we realized she was quite obviously stealing our content. Thus the first shots of Blog War '09.

We were prepared for long campaign, because despite being a female, she proved herself a difficult competitor to put down. Our first two blog wars came and went without fanfare, with the challengers folding quickly beneath the brute strength and vigor of our LOLkrieg. But not this one. Perhaps because we were fighting a more worthy opponent, or maybe because our other victims didn't even know we were fighting to begin with.

Imagine then our surprise when we opened our LOLmail the other day and saw this message:


That's right; in typical British fashion, the tart decided to pack it in and save herself any further embarrassment. Our email inbox was temporarily turned into our own personal Yorktown.


You might expect us to say, "Well, that figures," which we did, but not before exhaling a long breath of relief. We were assured in our victory, but even the strongest of champions have a some weight lifted from their wide and manly shoulders once the battle is through. So you'll forgive us if we popped a few corks and transformed the LOL Cave into a champagne shower room.




However, don't start to think that Ray could get away with sending a simple email and walking away. No. You don't lose a war without having first to sign away even more dignity, because failing to achieve your goal just isn't humiliating enough. So we drafted some articles of surrender - a few conditions she must meet or face severe retaliation - which Ray has dutifully signed.


So there you have it. Wrestlegasm will continue to operate, though naturally in a much inferior capacity to LOL, Wresslin'. And we'll take some time to dust our palms and pat ourselves on the back for a job done well.

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Robbing the bank in the face of Judgement

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

Although I hate Ray and her Wrestlegams with every fiber of my being, sometimes I can't deny our similarities. Recently, the WWE did a tour of the UK and was in her hometown of Cardiff, Wales. Ray did not go because she doesn't love wrestling nearly as much as she wants you to believe she does. Well, Smackdown last week was taped in the World's most famous arena, Madison Square Garden. Living in Manhattan myself, you would assume that I would have been right there, cheering on my beloved Smackdown brethren.

Well, I wasn't.

No, I unfortunately had previous engagements. Sure, I am a professional gentleman of leisure, but I am also a scholar. Yes, graduate education is my night mistress, so I could not attend the Smackdown . So sure, Ray and I both missed out on the WWE when it was in town, but she did it because she was most likely flat on her arse at some pub. I was preparing to change the world.

Onto the show.

So Smackdown opens up with the most action packed way possible- an in ring promo by a guy in a suit!

Oooo..topical

Yea, I'll spare you many photos of men holding microphones. Essentially, Chris Jericho comes out and says a bunch of SAT words to explain how angry he is. Edge then comes out because..he's a face now..I guess? No, that can't be right. Well, they argue. Then CM Punk comes out and everyone freaks out because he likes GI Joe and Pepsi and has a briefcase. Like a bad Bond villain, CM Punk tells Edge his plan. Essentially, Punk is going to wrestle Edge, non-title, tonight (last week!), but after pinning Edge in the non-title match, he will then cash in the Money in the Bank briefcase and have a second match, repin Edge, and win the title. Because that makes sense. This completely blows Jericho's mind and he walks off. Punk and Edge has a series of "Nu uh!" and "Uh huh's!" and we go to commercial.

Still, what was so important that it made Jericho so mad? Well Teddy Long has put Jericho, Rey Mysterio, Kane, and Jeff Hardy into a fatal fourway match to determine the #1 Contender for the World Title. Ostensibly, many may not be too thrilled with this since it's either a homosexual encounter and/or death sentence.

Anyway, Kane being a monster and so much bigger then the other guys it would only seem logical that he'd win the match. And logic is never ever defeated. Look at this. He threw Rey Mysterio out of the ring!

This looks comfortable

And onto the other two men!

Yes, that was the desired effect that Kane wanted

And that blow was all that was needed. All three men are counted out. They commit suicide and Kane will face Edge at Judgement Day.


Yea, not likely. Actually, Kane was the first eliminated. How's that for loyalty?

Insiderish!

So here we are. Three former world champions. Jericho, a Canadian, Rey, a Mexican, and Jeff, an American. North America fighting it out for a shot at the world title. Well, sort of. Chris Jericho has clearly filled his head with so much fancy book learnin' that he forgot the rules of professional wrestling. He threw a chair at Rey Mysterio.

Insert Carlito pic

Of course, all that did was help Jeff Hardy, who is now the #1 contender!

Jeff Hardy is a true North Carolina tar heel...in that he loves black tar heroin.

Shelton Benjamin lost to John Morrison. That means Morrison's a face now.

Face? More like abs, amirightorwhat?

MVP made his last ever appearence on Smackdown. And in one last moment of victory, he brought out some hen from The View with him as he defended his US Title against Dolph Ziggler.

Just like my prom night.

You should remember that Dolph has already beaten MVP before.

Anyway, I'm debuting a brand new segment here that I totally invented. It's called "Fan of the Night." I find the best fan at a given broadcast. This week we got:

Just so you know, he's proudly holding up a foam WWE title (more prestigious then the US Title).

Heh, I guess the champ is there, right? LOLZ.

Anyway, Sherri slapped Dolph, which should have been a DQ win for The Big Zig, but the referee decided to ignore it in light of the current President. That was all that was needed as a distraction as Sherri went on to win the match.

A woman slapping a man? How ironic.

It's the Animal!

In the aforementioned main event, CM Punk wanted to wrestle two matches and win the world title. Makes perfect sense. Of course, Edge is the world champion, so it might not seem as easy as expected. In fact, I'd argue that once he hits that spear it's all over.

Opportunus Ultimata

Straight Edgema Wrestlaratius

He's dazed! Edge is dazed! This is his shot!

Step 1: Go to Sleep

Step 2:

Step 3: Profit!

OH NOES! Punk totally was going to win his second world title when this Samoan dude comes out and ruins it all! Why wouldn't he do it after the fact and feud for the World Title? Am I the only one who thinks business?

You know the drill. It's Friday. What else is there to do but watch Smackdown? 8/7c, MyNetwork TV!? Will I ever learn to write in a consistent tense?

LOL, Wresslin' recommends: Botchamania

If there's one thing Blog War 09 has taught us, it's that we are not alone in the wrestling comedy spectrum. True, not all of them are all that original, but we welcome the discourse that comes with differing opinions. But one man does his own thing, provides his own commentary, and is downright awesome.

His name is Matthew Gregg (Maffew to his friends) and he produces the Youtube sensation that is Botchamania.

We're not going to post any videos here, because they clock in at about 10 minutes a piece and there's about 75 of them. Just go to this link and check them out at your leisure. Not convinced yet? Ok, we guess we'll have to spell it out!

1) His videos are montages of wrestlers making mistakes. Not just tripping in the ring or a table not breaking, but talking flubs, wardrobe malfunctions, or segments that just died on arrival. Did something not go according to plan? That'll be in Botchamania. Camera catch a wrestler blading? That's there too. There's even a regular segment called "EVERYBODY TALKS TO MUCH" that revolves around a match being audibly called. Triple H is a regular offender there.

2) He uses a vast array of resources. You think the LOLBOP is something? This guy will use a botch from a shaky handheld at some high school gym indy show. He'll find a small segment of a wrestler having difficulty taking his shirt off from a Monday Night Raw in 1994 and add it to his stable of botches. Maybe a fan in the background of a 1980's AWA show is holding a sign that gives something away? He'll find it. The man should be working for the Space Program just for his amazing eye for detail.

3) His soundtrack choice is impeccable. Every single video uses either original MIDI or rock covers of classic video game tunes. Or even more obscure video game songs. Like the original soundtrack to the Gameboy Camera. Or one song from Super Mario RPG. Also, lots of Mega Man tunes, which makes Adam very happy. For the sake of full disclosure, Adam was once in a Mega Man tribute band named Rush Coil and proudly owns these:

Adam: "Why no, I've never kissed a girl before, why do you ask?"

4) Every single video opens up with some insane quote from the Macho Man. Nuff' said.


5) He has a devoted fan following. At just about any wrestling event now, someone will bring a sign that says "Botchamania X: This match" Disrespectful to the athletes in that ring? Sure. But it's a form of constructive criticism. Don't want to end up on Botchamania? Then don't botch.

6) Maffew is also an Internet rebel. You know how often Botchamania is taken down? Constantly. And what's he do? He just throws it up again. He knows the people need Botchamania. Yes, he is a pioneer of Internet justice. Sure, it might not be the Wild West here anymore, but we can at least have our Dodge City! Botchamania is another sanctuary for all of those who want to LOL @ some wresslin'!

...sweet land of liberty...

Wait a second...he's from the UK...like Ray!? Never mind. He sucks.

W.W.W. featuring Bam Bam Bigelow and Warrior

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff then us

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your Welsh love letter/vlog to CM Punk's junk ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Bam Bam Bigelow debuts in WCW



Matt's response...

How little did WCW care about what was happening in the ring? There's a match going on! Can't this wait until the match is over?

Apparently not, because Bam Bam Bigelow is clearly a loose cannon. "The most dominant force in professional wrestling," as we're informed. Oh, and our announcers also let us know that we've never seen anything like this before. Never has a professional wrestler ever come in unannounced. Truly history in the making.

Uh oh, now here comes Goldberg to answer Bigelow's challenge. And again, here's probably something else we've never seen before: two men being held apart by security.

Uh, no, that's not it...

Er, just wait a minute, I'll get it...

There we go!

Now things are getting even worse! Bisch wants to see J.J. Dillon backstage. I wonder what th--wait, is that Twins? Is Twins coming on? Screw this, that's a classic comedy!

Poor Bam Bam though. After such a strong intro, his career in WCW is barely a paragraph in his Wikipedia entry. Here's the highlights, if you can call them that:

• Feuded with Goldberg
• Moved to Hardcore division
• Formed the Jersey Triad with DDP and Chris Kanyon
• Lost a match to Mike Awesome

Bigelow's career was, unfortunately, not "too sweeeeeet."

Bam Bam's life after wrestling reads like a dictionary definition of Murphy's Law. He was divorced, and then sued for child support. He was burned over almost half his body while saving three kids from a fire. He disappeared to Florida. He was charged with endangering a child after reckless driving, and was then busted for having pot. He was in a motorcycle wreck, and would have faced murder charges if his girlfriend, who was riding with him, didn't recover from her injuries. Good grief.

From the looks of it, Randy "the Ram" had it better.


Then he died, the day after my birthday in 2007 (I promise I didn't wish for that, but that would have been weird). His last known words were, "At least I wasn't in Jersey."

Matt's video to Adam- Ultimate Warrior Private Workout Footage


Adam's response....

Dear Warrior,

I am your biggest fan. My mom tells me that you are a bad influence, but I think she's wrong. I tell her that you gorilla slammed Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania 6 and the entire earth shook. What is bad about that? Anyway, as your biggest fan I have a few questions-
1) How'd you grow up to be so big and strong? My mom tells me that it's through homework and vegetables, but I said there is no public school in Parts Unknown! Also, is the One Warrior Nation the main political party in Parts Unknown? I looked it up in my social studies class, but since it's unknown there wasn't any information.

2) What is your favorite college basketball team? I suppose Parts Unknown isn't D1, because you wear your Arizona shirt a lot.

3) What's your stance on gay marraige? (Hahah..how did I hyperlink a child's letter? LOLZ)
4) How many grunts and snarls should I do to improve my bench?
Thank you in advance for your response. I have taken the streamers off my bicycle and tied them to my arms, just so can I be more like you! I have included a picture of us being friends. Maybe you could do the same?



Your fan,

Warrior

Around the wrestleWEBZ

Hey Gang,

Every now and then there are a myriad of topics that we just HAVE to write about. Sometimes there's just too much and we have no choice but to just bring it all to you in one wonderful post! You lucky devils...

Reid Flair arrested for possession of heroin.

Don't the kids of professional wrestlers all grow up to be well-adjusted, productive members of society? Clearly the decades of having their male role model be on the road 200+ days a year in no way impaired their abilities to differentiate from right and wrong, especially when their fathers' exploits are celebrated in shoot interviews and tell-all autobiographies!

That seems perfectly normal...

Umm...uhh

Ok, maybe we were wrong about a few cases...

Believe it or not though, there are rare exceptions. Reid Flair, son of the legendary Nature Boy Ric Flair, was recently pulled over for erratically driving. Police then found heroin in the vehicle. Now, true, Reid has had a run in with Johnny Law before, but we still think the jury is out on this one. He's the son of the Nature Boy. He doesn't drive a car! He rolls in long limousines and jet airplanes!

Just like that.

Still, even if (and we stress if), that was his H, we don't think it was his fault. Something about being a wrestler from North Carolina means you LOVE pain relief. Right?



Bret Hart tells young people to get off his lawn

On a tour of the UK to promote his book, Bret was asked the obligatory Shawn Michaels/Montreal/waah waah questions. Here's an excerpt:

"Shawn was a key orchestrator in the events surrounding Survivor Series 1997 and in Bret's eye, Shawn has never apologized. Bret says 'For me I don't really have much issue with it anymore. If you asked me that up until probably about a year ago I'd have probably said something different. But I've cooled off a bit now. I don't want to carry it around anymore. If he wanted to apologise I would accept it. I'd move on but I wouldn't forget it.'"

On the topic of inducting Shawn into the Hall of Fame:

"Maybe if he wants to make himself feel better about it he should have the guts to pick up the phone and apologise. Then we'll see after that."

Oh really, Bret? You mean, apologize like this:

Start at 2:50

On live, national (ok, Canadian), television? That's not good enough for you?

Blog War '09

In other delusions of grandeur from England news, Blog War '09 is being fought valiantly. Our spies in the CIA have uncovered Ray's (if that is her real name) daily planner. Here's a scan we were able to declassify.


Ah-ha! We knew it! The ponies sealed it! Nice try Ray, but we keep our LOL's locked up in a brain vault that's tougher then Fort Knox!

Or even Mike Knox (OMG!!!)

Also, try and have a coherent response this time, dear. We know England is Bizarro World, but posting videos of super face Stone Cold Steve Austin stunning annoying heel Stephanie McMahon does not exactly get across the point that you're trying to make.