W.W.W. featuring a defunct wrestling promotion and Shane O'Mac

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your break-down of Linda McMahon's chances at being elected ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Matt Sydal vs. Matt Classic



Matt's response...

At first, I thought, "Hey, both these guys are named Matt! This video has to be great!" Then I realized that it was actually Scotty Goldman and Evan Bourne, and that "has to be" changed to "can in no way." This all has to do with Adam's weird fascination with Goldman. Sure, we follow him on Twitter. You know why? Adam added him. I've added Dixie Carter and Layla. I think we know where our heads are at.

I don't know why, but he never really gelled with me. Sure, I get his bit, and it's fine. He's sort of that wrestler that some of the marks like because he throws out inside jokes and references wrestling's glory days (like this Matt Classic character, which, if the dates are to be believed, is a 60-something-year-old wrestler in a mask. Like that would ever happen!)

Er...um...

But nothing against the guy. He's just not my thing. I don't hate him; I don't like him. So there you go. Same thing for Evan Bourne (real name Matthew Korklan, so points for that). He has just not given me anything to be excited about, and strikes me as a more-agile Lance Storm.

In any case, I don't have much to say about the match itself. It was good for what it was. Sydal did his thing well, and Classic stuck to his gimmick, which made for some appropriately cheesy moments. Sydal's girlfriend, Lizzy Valentine, looked like she made a quick stop by Ross on the way to the show, finding her costume on the "50% off" rack. What I would like to highlight is the promotion in which they are competing - Wrestling Society X.

This was apparently some show put together for the MTV family of networks that I've never heard of. It's ok; I'm a mainstreamer, and I don't pretend to be otherwise. That being said, I think I would have liked this little show. It ran for nine episodes in 2007, with the tenth never airing, despite it having what is both descriptively and intriguingly named the "Exploding Cage Match." The fact that was never broadcast is a tragedy.

It featured what can best be described as a cast of miscreants, and had it's own special venue with its own special rules. Allow me also to provide this nugget about its production, taking from the finest research tools at my disposal:

The program also stood out due to its unorthodox approach to pro wrestling; this included frequent use of highly expressive plants, crowd sound effects, electrical sound effects, visual effects, and camera shaking when a wrestler would fall prey to electrical weapons.

Had I known Sam Raimi would be directing the show, I would have definitely tuned in!

Also, being on MTV, they decided to make it tangentially related to music, so acts would come in and perform before each episode, include Oscar-winning group Three 6 Mafia. Of course, Good Charlotte also played, so you can kind of see why it got canceled.

I don't have much patience for the wrestlers whose gimmick is "being weird just to be weird," which is why I have a problem with some of the performers in TNA these days, but something tells me that in this venue, it would have worked. A more cartoonish and campy product would be nice in limited doses, and I'm a little sad I missed out on this promotion.

I'm not sad that I missed out on more Scotty Goldman, but I'm sure Adam will see to it that I don't go for too long without him.

Matt's video to Adam- Shane McMahon Judges Aspiring WWE Superstars on O&A



Adam's response...

Look at how the tables have turned. Sure, Matt may crap on the repetitive nature of the videos I've sent him, but now who's the Opie and Anthony mark, Matty??!?!?!

Nope...no marks here!

This video isn't so much about Shane McMahon as much as it's about a bunch of fat WWE marks.

Nope, no fats here!

Still, it's nice to see Shane O'Mac loving WWE, because in six short weeks that's all going to be gone. It's a shame he had to waste that love on a few misfit toys.

Take for example, The Executive Order. He had an interesting gimmick and was pretty funny when he brought out his chart, but he just didn't believe it. He sort of mumbled it. Perhaps rehearsing in front of the mirror would have won him that trip to Indianapolis. Still, he'll have to drown his sorrow in more cheese steaks, since that belly a'int getting on the other side of that belt anytime soon.

Mouthwash Jones (who is not me) thought he'd be cute and make fun of ERock.



For those not in the know, ERock is the show's producer. He's fat so he gets made fun of a lot. He also loves "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul, but loves wrestling even more. I say good for him that he spit mouthwash in that douche's face. I bet "ERockFan" who posted this video is even happier.

Next was "Stryker", which is a stupid name because replacing "I" with "Y" was out of style back in 1985. Also, WWE already has a "Matt Striker", so I fail to see what makes him different. Even his logo is ripped off from The Flash.



Anyway, once again allow me to explain. The Jill Nicolini he refers to is the traffic girl for WPIX in New York. She's a looker. At the time she was co-host Anthony's girlfriend (which is astounding because he is hideous), so name dropping her was a cute way to get brownie points. Except he did it wrong.

That's really not fair.

Anyway, their break up is rather hilarious. Listen to the clips if you can.

Next up was some dude who put in way too much effort. Thank God ERock locked in the Kata Hajime (Tazmission, newb).

Finally, we have our winner. Type A. Which is ironic, in my opinion. Sure, he may have a similar blood pressure as a Type A individual, but that's about where the similarities stop. Wouldn't you think a Type A man would be, I dunno, a little more motivated?



Still, he won because he actually bothered to rehearse. And he "ended strong" according to Shane. If by strong you mean screaming "boo-ya!"

More like "Bukakke-ya!", dork.

I probably should have entered this contest. I would have won easily and realized I hate live wrestling much sooner in my life.

There goes the money!

Sheesh, you go away for a week and the entire wresslin' webiverse goes to hell in a handbasket! Big news, but old news out of Stamford, as Shane McMahon, son of wrestling promoter Vincent McMahon and Senate candidate, Linda McMahon, brother of head WWE writer Stephanie McMahon-Levasque, brother-in-law of wrestler Paul "Triple H" Levasque, husband to Marissa Mazzola-McMahon, and father of Declan and Kenyon McMahon, has tendered his official resignation from World Wrestling Entertainment. Shane is a former European and Hardcore champion, but far more importantly, he is an integral part of WWE behind the scenes.

For the last six years, Shane served as Executive Vice President of WWE Global Media. He essentially got the word out about WWE and makes sure no one pirates their intellectual property. Not the most exciting job, to be sure, but important nonetheless. Shane was also a big proponent of making the product more physical, MMA-style. He also was a major advocate of keeping the ECW brand as more intimate and as a product to cater to the original audience. It'll be interesting to see what direction ECW goes in now that Shane is no longer around to influence it.



Still, the immediate question to be asked is "what next?" Shane is a McMahon, and McMahons are wrestling. When McMahons try and make a football league, it fails. When they attempt a body building league, it failed. WWE films? Fail. Linda McMahon's Senate run? We'll wait and see, but let's say our original prediction of muckraking was fairly accurate. And where's this fabled XBA Vince mentioned a while back?

Lucky for Shane, we have a couple of ideas for him to mull over while he goes through this mid-life crisis.

1) Work for his mother's Senate campaign.

Surely the WWE is not naive enough to think that a woman with no political experience and once put on necrophilia on a television program has a legitimate chance of being Senator, right? But what if, Shane just happened to work on the campaign and gained some experience. What if he learned a few things, met some movers and shakers, and was planning his own run for office in 2016? Hey, it worked for this guy.

2) Work in film productions

Shane's wife (who is quite the piece) runs her own film production company called Kamala Films (nice website, by the way). Yes, it is in fact named after the Ugandan giant.


The company already has produced the film Anamorph, which starred Willem Dafoe (who, for such a brilliant actor will really do ANY role if the money is right) and wrestling's own Mick Foley!

Yea, we didn't see it either.

3) Buy a Corvette, dump his wife and date a 20 year old, listen to a lot of Whitesnake.

Like we said, his wife is a piece. We don't recommend this.

4) Shop a reality show

Shane can star in his own show about an adult child finally growing up and striking out on his own, determined to make out of his family's enormous shadow. VH1 can air it after Hogan Knows Best. It'll be ratings gold! Imagine all the mad cap hijinks as Shane keeps inventing new products to sell! And maybe, just maybe he'll invent a shrink ray, shrink the children, they'll almost die countless times, and eventually he'll resize them!

Like this, but with Shane McMahon

Anyways, mull these over, Shane-O-Mac. But before you call it a career this January 1, can you please answer us one question? Where's the "O" come from in Shane-O-Mac. We know McMahon is an Irish name, but you're just perpetuating stereotypes, man. How would you like it if we called you "Drunk-O-Red Nose." Yea, we thought so.

Wrestling wonders! (of eBay)

From time to time, we like to power up the ol' LOL computer and cruise around the internet to see what fun and interesting things we can find. We're guessing you do too; otherwise, why else would you be here?

One of the best places to find some fun and interesting stuff is eBay, where people sell their crap in hopes that someone will come by and want to make it their crap. It's the circle of life, lady and gentleman. Pretty simple stuff. We thought we'd like to find what kind of professional wrestling memorabilia is located on that online auction block. Here's some of what we discovered:

Professional Wrestling Diploma

That's correct. For just $9.99 (convert that to pounds, Ray), you can have your very own professional wrestling diploma. It says it right there! "Doctorate of Professional Wrestling" Now, we're not sure if that means you can actually perform wrestling moves, or that you're a Ph.D in the history of the business, but either way, we're pretty sure it's not true.

This is all made possible by Bradforth State University, which, surprisingly, we found to not exist. That must be why they can offer a degree without completing any state-required curriculum. So feel free to pay some douche ten bucks for something he printed off his LaserJet!

David von Eric button

Immediately, this is suspect. We've heard of David von Erich, but never David von Eric. That certainly seems to be a picture of the former, but one can never be too sure. Cartoonishly tall cowboy hats have a tendency to skew one's perceptions. Let's check out the product description:

A button Souvenirs of David Von Eric a professional Wrestling souvenir . David Von Eric was the son of the famous French Von Eric. David has passed away and this is a great way to remember him. This button is white with David's picture on it. The button measures 3 inches round. The button is in great condition on the front and the back is a little tarnished ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !a wonderful pin ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! This listing has free shipping ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Wow! Look at all the exclamation points! This thing must be real. Granted, we've never heard of "French von Eric" either, but he must have been great too! Surely that's who Fritz von Erich modeled himself after. Truly a steal for...twenty dollars?! Hmmm, we might have to wait until payday for this one.

Also, we'd like to point out how inordinately excited this person is about the back of the pin being a little tarnished.

"The Secret World of Professional Wrestling" VHS

eBay seller "bringbackthepast" is certainly not one to leave the memories alone, which is why he feels he should make available this exposé of the wrestling business. Ooooh, it's the "secret" world, too. This should be very interesting.

Since our friend does not provide anything other than the title as a description, let's see what this video is all about. Amazon.com says on the product page that it is a 48 minute video on "what motivates wrestlers and attracts throngs of fans." That's not much help either, Amazon.

However, there are some customer-submitted reviews, and those are sometimes helpful. "A Customer" titles his review "This video rule!!!!!!!!!!" and writes:

The video rules because al the secrets,eveyone want to know,are in this video.This video include disguised wrestlers,and they tell you the secrets.The disguised wrestlers are:The Patriot and Harley Race

Way to blow the ending for us, Santino.

Still, this thing is about right for just under four dollars, so you really can't go wrong. Feel free to pay to find out what you can for free from any mark site.

One piece of advice for our eBay friend, though: maybe think about changing the condition of your item. Listing a video cassette tape that was release in March of 1999 as "Brand New" is a slight bit disingenuous. Perhaps "Too Shitty to be Opened" is more accurate.

Superstar Billy Graham's "WWE Hall of Fame" ring

Now this certainly looks nice. A very dignified class ring, sporting some sort of reddish stone and the official WWE insignia. Quite a good mock-up if we do say so ourselves.

Why do we assume it's a fake? It's obvious. The WWE Hall of Fame is a prestigious honor bestowed on only the best and most influential former wrestlers, of which Superstar Billy Graham is certianly one. This is something to be cherished and handed down to one's grandchildren and placed in a display case on the mantle of a cozy home. There's no way that anyone would ever think of selling the real-


Oh damn.

Unfortunately, we were wrong. It appears that the real Billy Graham is selling his real WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2004 ring. Again, we ask, "Why would you do that?" Let's get the answer from the man himself:

First off, I owe no one an explanation as to why I want to sell this beautiful WWE ring. In a recent board meeting Vince McMahan said " That there will never be an actual physical Hall of Fame building and that the Hall of Fame only exists in my head."

We think if you wanted to stick to your guns, Mr. Graham, that you would have ended that statement at the first sentence. However, despite not owing it to us, you so graciously provide an explanation, and for that we are eternally grateful. So, he's upset that there's never going to be an actual building for the WWE Hall of Fame, something that pretty much every wrestling fan on the internet knew to be true.

He explains that he got this idea because Shane McMahon was going around promising that there would be a building one day. That's right. Superstar Billy Graham allowed himself to be played by Shane O'Mac.

Him.

Despite all that, we still have quite a piece of wrestling history for sale here. At this time, with five days remaining in the sale, the top bid is...

$11,500

Sure. We'll pony up that cash just as soon as we're inducted in the Wrestling Comedy Blogger Hall of Fame in Owensboro, Kentucky. See ya there!

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Break a leg

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a them song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Last week (two weeks ago!), we find out that Shane and Randy are finally going to have a one-on-one! This is going to be the match of the night! One to stay up late for, if you have to, or sit through several other matches that are much more ridiculous than a middle-aged dude with a desk job taking on the WWE Champion!


Hang on, what time is it? Wait, seriously? This is the first match?? This is going to be a long night...


Oh look, Shane is getting the better of Randy, and he doesn't even need a kendo stick this time. They fought all over the ring. They fought into the crowd. They did this:


Clearly someone other than Batista's deserves to be the Number 1 Contender. Luckily for Randy, his henchmodels come down to save him from what was surely going to be the beating of his life/afterlife. MVP does his best to even the odds, but he's the US Champion, so...come on. What was he going to do? He gets tossed out close to immediately. This doesn't sound very fair, does it? Nope! And guess who has a problem with it!

Note to Ray: Please don't nick this.

Things have descended into madness!! Please, please, we need someone to reestablish order around here!

Well, damn it...

Vickie, seeing the chaos in the ring, does the only sensible thing and makes three matches with ridiculous stipulations. What's going to happen is Batista versus Teddy and MVP versus Codeman, with the winners of each being allowed to join either Shane or Randy in a later match. So, it could be a 3-1 or a 2-2 or some other combination that we can't figure out.

Vickie's WWE Booking algorithm, where X = Batista...

Matt Hardy lost a quick match to Kofi Kingston. What do you expect, though? The man still has a cast on his arm. Seriously, WWE, let this man heal! Give him some sick days or something. That is so not fair. Still, Hardy hit Kingston with the cast after the match was over, so Matt's really not doing a lot to make sure he heals properly.

Santino and Kelly Kelly were talking backstage, and it turns out that Double K is teaming up with Santino's "sister" "Santina." Kelly to the second power said she's excited to meet her. Um, hey beautiful, you teamed with Santina last week.

I keep track of these things.

We have our first insane stipulation match of the night, with MVP facing Cody Rhodes. Wow. If you had told me a year ago that the WWE would be expecting me to care about a match-up between these two, I would have hoped to not be watching wrestling by then. In any case here we are. William Regal interfered for some reason, and here was the result:

This somehow makes things better for Randy, or so the announcers said. I dare you to prove it.

Also, I want you to take note of his right hand. See it there on this abdomen? Now check out these pictures...from the same match.


IS HIS HAND PASTED THERE???

And now it's time for another segment with the Miz. Please, WWE. Stop. You're making things far too entertaining. I might just pass out. The MIz calls out John Cena again, like he was obviously going to. And this time Cena comes down to the ring. And before they can do anything, Big Show comes out and beats up Mr. Cena and leaves him laying in the ring. And why did all this happen?

WWE is written by fifth graders.

We're of course reminded that Mr. Cena was thrown through some props and is pretend-injured. Let's consider this: if Cena were really injured, and it was really a bad idea for him to wrestle, why would he let the Miz call him offsides? Who cares about the Miz? Kick his ass all over the arena, and up and down whatever town your in when you get to feeling, and perform all number of catch-phrases on him later, but you're just asking for it if you go down there hurt. You need a babysitter.

Jarred from Subway was a ring announcer for a divas match.


Why? I don't know.

Now comes Batista's chance to swing the upcoming match in Shane's favor, but in truth, it's Shane, and other wrestlers just get in the way of his awesomeness. That's probably why Batista got DQ'd as well, after failing to stop hitting Teddy while he was in the corner, marking the first time that rule has been enforced ever.

Wrestling history.

So, we'll have Legacy versus Shane. Yes a handicap match...in Shane's favor.

I know you're all bristling with excitement to find out how this match went down, and since nothing else really happened, let's skip to it. Here's the best way I can describe it to you:

Above: Self-serving drivel

Dispassionate Randy is dispassionate.

You may think I picked and chose all the points where Shane was on offense, and you'd be right, but it wasn't hard, because Legacy DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. Honestly, Shane beat them all up, and at one point had the WWE Champion set up on the announcer's table and the other two writhing in pain on the outside. Then he has to go and do something stupid.


Eventually, the heels would even the odds (because again, 3-1 aren't even enough) and smash Shane's foot between some steel steps.

Favorite picture of Shane ever.

Will Shane beat up the entire roster on just one leg this week?? I guess we'll all have to find out tonight, 9/8c on USA!

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Judgement is coming

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



We start the Raw after Backlash with Randy Orton talking about that huge thing he has about waist level.

The WWE Championship, you goof!

Orton said he destroyed the McMahon family. Listen, bub, if an exploding limo can't destroy the McMahon's, you can't. Sorry. You're cool and all, just not that cool


While Orton and his buddies were out in the ring, talking about how cool they are and how they're totally going to score with the head cheerleader after tonight's big game, MVP came out and had a different idea - that he's way more important than he really is. He says that he's the US Champion and doesn't have to listen to anyone. MVP, allow LOL, Wresslin' to provide you a crudely constructed flow chart about how things work here in the WWE:


See? You're ALL the way down there at the bottom, about equal with the Women's Championship. Some of you may wonder why I put the WWE Championship above the World Heavyweight Championship. Well, it's quite simple. The WWE Championship is on Raw, so it's clearly better.

Anyway, MVP called Cody and Teddy "Abercrombie & Fitch models."

More like Blabbercrombie and Bitch

Our awesome GM Vickie Guererro thought it would be a great idea for Randy to face MVP tonight, so it's going to be a Champion versus Chumpion match.

The Brian Kendrick faced Kofi Kingston in a match that the Shakin' Jamaican won in two minutes. Does anyone care?

Vickie told the Big Show thanks for murdering John Cena at Backlash. He said it was no problem, but I guess he DID expect a little in return, because he leaned in to smooch the pooch. She gave him the cold shoulder. Sorry big guy, you're still a nasty bastard.


Next we have yet another women's match meant merely to put over a dude in drag. If you didn't think the WWE couldn't give a damn about the women's division, you should now. I'll step forward and say that I do care about these ladies going out and giving it their all, performing stunning feats of athleticism for our cynical enjoyment. Truly, it's something special to behold.

Oh no, that's actually not at all why I like it.

We're again reminded that seeing another man's privates is the worst thing in the world, as Hornswoggle gets a cat's-eye view of Santino's package while he's standing on the ring apron. The midget appropriately passes out, and laughs were had by all. Really? Is looking at a dude's junk all that bad?

If it is, I've sinned enough for a thousand lifetimes.

Matt Hardy came out sporting a fancy new cast on his arm. Apparently his wittle hand was bwoken in his match against big, bad Jeff. But he still has to wrestle tonight, which is incredibly irresponsible on WWE's part. OSHA should really look into this. And who is going to get the easy win over an injured Matt?


Matt pulled a play out of Cowboy Bob Orton's book and smacked resplendant rassler with the cast. Match over in less than a minute. Welcome back to wrestling, Goldust!

Alright, here comes this MVP match.


This newcomer on Raw thinks pretty highly of himself, and challenging to top dog is pretty gutsy.


Ok ok, looking pretty good. Obviously the switch from Quackdown to Raw was a good thing for him. Randy's getting in some offense, but this MVP is looking like he might just get the win.


OH COME ON!!


Of course, Cody and Ted run out to save to Orton and chase Shane away. Actually, not "of course," because on a normal night, Shane would have beat them up too. I guess he didn't have his pre-fight half-pound burger and shake. A little low on energy, perhaps.

So that match is over. Orton wins via DQ. Awesome.


The WWE seems to think that the best thing to take the resulting bad taste out of my mouth is to trot The Miz out to the ring. Hey WWE, you're fucking wrong.


So Miz gets out there and says he's big and tough and then challenges John Cena to a match. The Miz seems to think he's going to take on a major Raw superstar. Sorry to break this to you, but Cena is in a bodybag right now. He was thrown into a spotlight and BURNED TO A CRISP.


The Miz says that since Cena didn't come fight him, he picks up the win because of a forfeit.


Now we've got our main event, Batista versus Big Show to be the Number 1 Contender. Yeah, this one is going to be one athletic and fast-paced match.

Just take this and stretch it out over ten minutes.

Batista won, but not by beating up his opponent. No, he had a little help...in the form of JOHN CENA!!!


Look! There he is! And no gross burns or anything like that. I'm astounded, and so was Big Show, because he walked out of the ring and toward Mr. Cena for so long that he got his dumb ass counted out. Way to go.


How did Cena survive? Was it a fake Cena? How many fake Cena's are there? Which one is the true Cena? Better tune in and "cena" for yourself, tonight at 9/8c on the only network for reincarnation, USA!