OH BABY, I like it Raw! Judgement is coming

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



We start the Raw after Backlash with Randy Orton talking about that huge thing he has about waist level.

The WWE Championship, you goof!

Orton said he destroyed the McMahon family. Listen, bub, if an exploding limo can't destroy the McMahon's, you can't. Sorry. You're cool and all, just not that cool


While Orton and his buddies were out in the ring, talking about how cool they are and how they're totally going to score with the head cheerleader after tonight's big game, MVP came out and had a different idea - that he's way more important than he really is. He says that he's the US Champion and doesn't have to listen to anyone. MVP, allow LOL, Wresslin' to provide you a crudely constructed flow chart about how things work here in the WWE:


See? You're ALL the way down there at the bottom, about equal with the Women's Championship. Some of you may wonder why I put the WWE Championship above the World Heavyweight Championship. Well, it's quite simple. The WWE Championship is on Raw, so it's clearly better.

Anyway, MVP called Cody and Teddy "Abercrombie & Fitch models."

More like Blabbercrombie and Bitch

Our awesome GM Vickie Guererro thought it would be a great idea for Randy to face MVP tonight, so it's going to be a Champion versus Chumpion match.

The Brian Kendrick faced Kofi Kingston in a match that the Shakin' Jamaican won in two minutes. Does anyone care?

Vickie told the Big Show thanks for murdering John Cena at Backlash. He said it was no problem, but I guess he DID expect a little in return, because he leaned in to smooch the pooch. She gave him the cold shoulder. Sorry big guy, you're still a nasty bastard.


Next we have yet another women's match meant merely to put over a dude in drag. If you didn't think the WWE couldn't give a damn about the women's division, you should now. I'll step forward and say that I do care about these ladies going out and giving it their all, performing stunning feats of athleticism for our cynical enjoyment. Truly, it's something special to behold.

Oh no, that's actually not at all why I like it.

We're again reminded that seeing another man's privates is the worst thing in the world, as Hornswoggle gets a cat's-eye view of Santino's package while he's standing on the ring apron. The midget appropriately passes out, and laughs were had by all. Really? Is looking at a dude's junk all that bad?

If it is, I've sinned enough for a thousand lifetimes.

Matt Hardy came out sporting a fancy new cast on his arm. Apparently his wittle hand was bwoken in his match against big, bad Jeff. But he still has to wrestle tonight, which is incredibly irresponsible on WWE's part. OSHA should really look into this. And who is going to get the easy win over an injured Matt?


Matt pulled a play out of Cowboy Bob Orton's book and smacked resplendant rassler with the cast. Match over in less than a minute. Welcome back to wrestling, Goldust!

Alright, here comes this MVP match.


This newcomer on Raw thinks pretty highly of himself, and challenging to top dog is pretty gutsy.


Ok ok, looking pretty good. Obviously the switch from Quackdown to Raw was a good thing for him. Randy's getting in some offense, but this MVP is looking like he might just get the win.


OH COME ON!!


Of course, Cody and Ted run out to save to Orton and chase Shane away. Actually, not "of course," because on a normal night, Shane would have beat them up too. I guess he didn't have his pre-fight half-pound burger and shake. A little low on energy, perhaps.

So that match is over. Orton wins via DQ. Awesome.


The WWE seems to think that the best thing to take the resulting bad taste out of my mouth is to trot The Miz out to the ring. Hey WWE, you're fucking wrong.


So Miz gets out there and says he's big and tough and then challenges John Cena to a match. The Miz seems to think he's going to take on a major Raw superstar. Sorry to break this to you, but Cena is in a bodybag right now. He was thrown into a spotlight and BURNED TO A CRISP.


The Miz says that since Cena didn't come fight him, he picks up the win because of a forfeit.


Now we've got our main event, Batista versus Big Show to be the Number 1 Contender. Yeah, this one is going to be one athletic and fast-paced match.

Just take this and stretch it out over ten minutes.

Batista won, but not by beating up his opponent. No, he had a little help...in the form of JOHN CENA!!!


Look! There he is! And no gross burns or anything like that. I'm astounded, and so was Big Show, because he walked out of the ring and toward Mr. Cena for so long that he got his dumb ass counted out. Way to go.


How did Cena survive? Was it a fake Cena? How many fake Cena's are there? Which one is the true Cena? Better tune in and "cena" for yourself, tonight at 9/8c on the only network for reincarnation, USA!

W.W.W. featuring Big Bossman/Big Show and Brock Lesnar

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so homemade music video to John Cena's "Basic Thuganomics" ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.


Adam's video to Matt - the Big Bossman/Big Show feud



Matt's response...

We're so jaded in this day and age. It's easy to look at WWE recap videos and think, "Damn! These guys are great! They've always put together the best montages!" But that's not always so, as this video is testament to. However, the fueds? Well, they were a lot better back then.

The only way to do this is step by step...

HAHAHAHA FAMILY TRAGEDY HAHAHAHA


Good Lord, that was the biggest chokeslam I've ever seen. I think that caused Big Bossman to have a heart attack five years later and die.


Big props to Bossman for the theatrics. It would have been easy to just throw that "family heirloom" on the ground and stomp on it, but no. No, you get a hammer and anvil and pound it into a powder. Nice work.

That's four more of the biggest chokeslams I ever seen.

Alright, that's terrible parking. Who would put their car under a ledge with a dumpster perched on it? Even if there weren't a giant that felt like shoving it on you, there's a good chance that something could go awry with the garbage truck and at best you'd be left with trash all over your car. That's just silly. You deserved that.

That's a cute little rhyme from Mr. Traylor. And by the way, genius that he drives the Bluesmobile.

Leave it to professional wrestling to have a scene where a son is forced to leap on his father's casket while it's dragged through the cemetary by a police car. Thankfully, that's about as tasteless as it's ever got.

Ok, ok, but God couldn't ask for a better tag team partner

Oh, come on, he was legit

eh.....

Big Bossman looks pretty bad ass in those mirrored shades.

In cahoots with Prince Albert...he he he he....

These cameramen in the WWE are trained really well. Not only are they nigh invisible to the wrestlers, they also don't both help or go get help when someone's life is clearly in danger. Can't we get SOMEONE over here to open the door and let Big Show out before he dies of smoke inhalaiton?

Finally, this video ends with what I would call one of the top five best quotes ever uttered in professional wrestling...

Hey Paul Wight! You're a nasty bastard, and your mama said so!

That quote would be nothing without the last phrase. Bossman...I miss you, dude.

Matt's video to Adam- Brock destroys Funaki




Adam's response...

I don't know why Matt sent me this. What is the point of showing me this video of Brock Lesnar beating up Funaki. This isn't professional wrestling. Look at how he's just throwing Funaki around. He's not protecting him. He is accosting him. And why? Well I can only assume it's because Funaki is Japanese.

I want you to watch this video just to watch this beat down. It's vicious. I am unamused. This is nothing short of a hate crime. I suppose Matt wanted me to throw out a few jokes about this poor man being bludgeoned to near death, but I'm just at a loss. Well I for one will not be party to this savagery. I'm going to use this space to be productive. Wake up, America! LOL, Wresslin' is the mirror forcing you to look at some of your evils.

For example, our internment of Japanese American citizens during World War II is a reprehensible action. And to think, our own government sanctioned this! This attack on Funaki is just continuing the hate thrust upon our Pacific brethren during the war. Or the recent Constitutional ban on gay marriage. You mean to tell me the government can tell me who I can and cannot love? This is outrageous! We're all people.

Or what about the awful treatment of African-Americans throughout history? Do I even need to write anything? You know what I'm talking about. Hang your head in shame, Matthew.

There is only one solution to curing hate. We need to have an open dialogue, because only by having an open dialogue can we ever hope to overcome these ills. We need to remember the past so events like this never happen again. We can't erase history, we can only hope to change the future. It is so important, especially this week, where we not only honor the past with Dr. King, but we hope for the future with Barrack Obama becoming our 44th President.

I urge each and every reader to please visit tolerance.org for information on how to stamp out racism. If we all try a little harder we can prevent people like Funaki from become victims of hate crime. I leave you with a simple poem by the great Maya Angelou:

"A Conceit"

Give me your hand.

Make room for me
to lead and follow
you
beyond this rage of poetry.

Let others have
the privacy of
touching words
and love of loss
of love.

For me
Give me your hand.