W.W.W. featuring 3 Count and Backstage Shenanigans

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your music video of Hacksaw Jim Duggan clips set to Hank Williams, Jr. ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Tank Abbott displays his singing talent




Matt's response...

It's not often I give props to someone who posts something to YouTube. Occasionally, however, someone isn't so much concerned with putting themselves over by slapping their name all over the video, and would rather add to the piece with a bit of commentary of their own. You see, this is what we do, and I think more people should do what we do (but write your own stuff! I'm looking at you, other wrestling blogs.)

So chriscfgb (or is it crisiscfgb?! I can't tell!) decides that rather than promoting his YouTube page, where he's posted other copyrighted material, he'll just toss up a quick aside in the video description box, such as...

And nipples!

Perfect. Wonderful joke. It's a carry-over from the video's title, and it blatantly points out something we all noticed but didn't want to really acknowledge.

When you were in high school, did they ever have teacher talent shows? If they did, you know exactly where I'm going. If not, it was a good excuse to sit in the auditorium or gym for an hour instead of going to class, and you'd laugh occasionally. There was the obligatory rock band, and the "hot" teachers trying to reclaim some of their youth by dressing like cheerleaders and doing a skit.

And then you'd have the coaches, which would almost always dress in drag because, well, it's funny when fat guys dress like women.

Proof.

This is also accompanied by some awful dance routine, which even though it looks as if it were choreographed by a four-year-old, they still can't do it right because they only practiced it once. That's how a feel about WCW: they're a high school teacher talent show.

Now I may sound like a bad sport, like I don't want to see any fun bits on wrestling, but that's not true. I'm a big fan of comedy in my wrestling shows, and I love the silly bits, when they're done well. What I don't want is someone going out there and half-assing it. If you're going to go out there to sing and dance, I won't hold it against you that you can't sing well, but at least get your routine together. Have a little pride in yourself.

I think this is my problem with wrestling in general right now. It feels so much like they're just going through the motions without really thinking about what they're doing. WWE bringing back Bret Hart...what was the point? It was a neat moment with he and Shawn in the ring, but what did they do beyond that? They just went through the motions: Bret is bitter, Vince is an a-hole, and scene. And on the same night, what did TNA do? Brought out the carcass of Hulk Hogan so he and his cronies can do the same old crap they did ten years ago, only now they all look about 25 years older. Everyone seems to be going out to the ring with a rough idea of what they want to do, and in the end they just fall into the usual routine.

Ugh, I hate getting serious about wrestling...how about those nipples?!

Matt's video to Adam- Raw After the Bell: Mickie James and Hacksaw Jim Duggan stopped by IRS




Adam's response...

First off, I feel the need to apologize to all our readers for the recent inactivity. Certain real world obligations have gotten in the way, all of which took precedence of dick jokes. We'll try to be better. To make it up to you kiddos, we're doing our first ever interactive live blog. It'll be this Sunday for the Royal Rumble. Also, Ray over at Wrestlegasm baked us cookies, so she'll be there too!

Anyway, for the second week in a row, the star of my video is an unlikely source. Yes, IRS steals the show again. And it's for the most understated of all reasons. Namely, why was he even there in the first place?

I know the real world reason. Mike Rotunda (and looking at him, he's rather aptly named, lulz) is an agent for WWE. Why not have him throw on a tie and suspenders and do a little cameo for a video segment that no one will ever see? It's a fun Easter egg. But story wise, why is he there? Granted, I have no seen the preceding, nor proceeding chapters of this serial, but shouldn't every chapter make sense on their own?

I guess I just love the idea of the old characters just hanging out backstage. It's weird. Characters like Duke "The Dumpster" Drose or the Repoman are dumb. Who would ever believe that a garbage man in his spare time wrestles? Yet, it makes me happy thinking that Duke was just the in-house garbage man who got some ringtime whenever. He's still there emptying the trash.

Still, what is IRS doing here? As a government worker he would not be employed by WWE. Also, he clearly would not be doing any tax work for the government on WWE, because it's a conflict of interests; he was a tag champ for a period of time. Maybe he retired from government work and is now a private accountant/financial consultant for WWE? There are so many unanswered questions.

Which I suppose is what makes a great serial. Why were Mickie James and Hacksaw Duggan stealing tee-shirts? Couldn't they just get some from the corporate office? They do know that Earl Hebner was fired for the same thing, right? And he wasn't even videotaped! And why would IRS be mad at them for stealing? He's not a lawman. It's possible he has strong ethics, but a lifetime of heel deeds would lead me to believe otherwise.

Also, I should note that in the vein of all great femme fatales, Mickie used a subtle hint of her sexuality to achieve her goals. Very noir.


Oh well, I better come back to the nickelodeon next week and find out what adventures await our heroes!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? TLC OMG!!!

SEASON'S BEATINGS!!!!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Monday Night Raw might get all the press, what with their Dennis Miller and Hornswaggle feud, but we know that that doesn't sell PPV's! Nope! You need some real, solid meat to make buyers shell out their hard earned moolah. So how do you do that? With a compelling card filled with Smackdown matches!

Of course, that means more work for me. Crap.

So the future of WWE totally rolled around on the mat for a chance at being champion of the continents! And by future I mean "bland Scottish dude" and "apathetic rock star wannabe."

I have no idea what's going on here

Anyway, the interns at WWE.com decided to show us tons of cool John Morrison stuff, even though they didn't really amount to anything. Still, COOL STUFF!

SAVAGE!

GNARLY!

However, there wasn't a boring old Scottish guy in this match for nothing. He had to be boring and use finisher's from the 1980's as transition moves!

zzzz...snake...zzzz

Oddly enough, that was it. We have a new Intercontinental champion and his name is Sheamus Drew McIntyre!

Kidney pies!

In other "attractive people with long hair wrestling for a worthless title" news, Michelle McCool defended her women's championship against Mickie "Piggy" James. Mickie gets this nickname due to being a good ole Virginia farm girl and being gargantuan huge.

Just think of the thin girl she's hiding underneath layers of disgusting fat

Anyway, this match pretty much filled my genitals with enough blood that I had to see a doctor four hours later. Also nice to know that Mickie James goes A2M.

In case I'm being too coy...

Michelle McCool, being the bad guy and all, has some Latina woman named Layla as her backup. Probably for Layla's black belt in Mexican Judo. Regardless, this hot tamale, although her intentions are pure, just ends up getting in the way! Look at the debacle when she tried to distract Mickie, ergo help Michelle!

KICKED IN YO FACE!

Now's Mickie James's chance! She'll avenge all that punishment the two bullies gave her! Michelle is distracted! We've got a new women's champion!

That's the filthiest clean pin I've ever seen. Some Christian..

Oh. Pinned clean. By the heel. That makes complete sense.

So one half of the Smackdown power couple miraculously held on to her title, how will Undertaker prevail against THE ANIMAL!!!! in his chair match? And what in the blue hell is a chair match?

That.

So yea, it's basically an Extreme Rules/Street fight/no holds barred match. With a bunch of chairs. Jim Ross must be thrilled.



For whatever reason, Undertaker and Batista always have good matches together. It's weird that a cadaver and the Undertaker can work well together, but they do. This was duly noted by the lovely interns over at WWE.com

Can it really be referred to as "Old School" if he never stopped using it? If it's a regular part of his routine wouldn't it just be "Current School" or "School"?

Still, this wasn't enough as Batista needed to resort to FOREARMING THE UNDERTAKER IN THE NUTS and then hitting him with the chair! That's it! New World Heavyweight Champion! TEH ANIMALE!!!11!!!!


YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA! Wait! Teddy Long?! Why's he coming out!? You can't screw the Undertaker when he already lost the match! Huh? Batista used a low blow, and that's illegal? Swinging chairs is totally cool, but anything else isn't allowed?! What do you have to say for yourself!?


Well, the match restarted and Undertaker did that sit up thing and then cracked Batista with a chair (totally legal).

ACTING! SELLING!

Tombstone, weird pin, still champ.

I really hope you catch a bug one day.

Still, I smell a conspiracy. Somebody call Jesse Ventura!

Also, just so you know: Batista did not invent that "thumbs down" gesture. Some people think he did.

Come witness the fallout tonight at 8/7c, over on some stupid channel. MyNetwork TV or some bullshit like that. And then watch it again over on hulu.

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Turmoil launched with a chair

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

Get this. We here at LOL, Wresslin' LOVE the interns at WWE.com. They come up with the most fantastic captions for their photo slide shows! Check out this Shakespearean gold:

Alternate caption: Punk can't handle the truth!

Anyway, Punk's methhead took care of the former TNA champion.

RAPE!

KANE! and MIKE KNOX OMG!!! had a match.



You know (tm) who are unintentionally hilarious with their captions? The WWE.com interns! Open up for these two-part whammer:

Ok..standard stuff so far...

Oh! May as well have just added in "Thick girls" and saved some space their, interns.

Thankfully, the three lovelies in the ring can all work it. So their stoutness will be off set. Kind of like the WNBA; their strong fundamentals more than make up for their inability to dunk. Of course, this being wrestling, there is invariably an unfair advantage in these non-sexual threeways. Basically, the two bad girls beat up the good girl. Beth Phoenix should pick up the win because she's older and more experienced then Natayla, but Natayla, being a reasonable person, also wants to win. What ever is going to happen?

Using the finest research tools at my disposal, I recently learned that Beth Phoenix once had that weird nickname for some reason.

So Mickie James wins! She's going to take on the heel champion at the next PPV (this Sunday!) What were the odds, that the face (the wrestler we all cheer for) would take on the person we want to see lose MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD!? Thankfully Mickie James will go into TLC this Sunday with class.

Can't start a fire. Can't start a fire without a spark...

In other title news, John Morrison defended his pride in a non-title encounter with some dude named Drew McIntyre. That has to be a fake name or something. Drew McIntyre. What's that short for, AnDREW, you fruit. Still, I never heard of him before, but he looks mighty good getting kicked in the face.

Yea!

Awesome!

And you know (tm) who is stupid? So so so so so stupid! The interns at WWE.com! They consistently have the WORST captions ever for their slideshows. And don't get me started on their composition!

Really, WWE.com? We couldn't see it. You just had to tell us!

And finally, our World Heavyweight Champion (as opposed to any other weight class wrestling has now), The Undertaker, was about to address his challenger Batista with some scary fog and thunder. That is, until Big Dave came out and bludgeoned Taker with the most lethal weapon of all; the chair!

You know (tm), because it's a chair match.

Oh my! We have never seen the Dead Man take such a beating! What heat on The Animal! I want to spend money to see what happens next!



Before that though, watch Smackdown! 8/7c on MyNetwork TV. Or just avoid it on hulu.com!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Survival of the Fittest

SEASON'S BEATINGS!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm not working on my usual computer today. Thanksgiving and all. So we're going to try something novel. I'm going to be funny without my usual crutch of racist/dick pictures. Be thankful I'm even still doing this, you sycophantic hypocrites.

Bad friend Rey Mysterio got what he deserved as hometown boy Dave "The Animal" Batista just took him out back and whooped him bad. As a former resident of the District of Columbia, I can tell you the most intimate details of this bludgeoning. After the match, Rey was stretchered off into a ambulance and taken to the George Washington University Hospital on 24th and I St NW. The hospital of the President! Once Rey was resting peacefully, the Animal burst in and started brawling again! They brawled around the Washington Circle all the way down M St! They went down Wisconsin Ave and left The Gap there in shambles! They turned right onto Dumbarton, stepped into Big Planet Comics, bought Absolute The New Frontier and then went across the street to the ORIGINAL Five Guys! It's the only one that serves beer! They then ate peanuts and threw the shells on the floor, ate some fries with Old Bay spice, laughed and read comics, and then started fighting again! They went back to Wisconsin, back down M, back to the Washington Circle, got on Pennsylvania Ave, and eventually destroyed the White House!

Five star match!

A bunch of Divas had a match and I just felt sad that they have a job that requires low self esteem. Thankfully, the "fat" Mickie James and "Hispanic" Melina overcame their white oppressors and survived this series!

Finally, a tag team took on the Undertaker for his world title. How will the Undertaker hold his own!? Oh wait, it's a triple threat match! Will the tag team fight each other for a chance at singles glory?

Yes. Yes they did.

Proving there is no honor amongst thieves, our paragon of virtue, Chris Jericho, turned on his tag partner and tried to win the title. Since Jericho exists to put other people over, this attempt was unsuccessful. The Undertaker then made The Big Show tap out, so the 50 year old man with one hip and a ridiculous gimmick once again represents the company. Yes, the man who has such tenure that he no longer needs to go on the road and is so injury prone that he can not perform at the level he's previously established he could, is now responsible for house show attendance and television ratings, despite not being able to appear at both. All this defying conventional wisdom that "the money is in the face chasing the heel."

Brilliant.

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Destruction before Survival

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

It seems like I say this every couple weeks, but there's a show that you must pay for each viewing coming up this Sunday. This one isn't stupid though. Nope. It's one of the important ones! Survivor Series, where a lot of workers get a PPV bonus because of all the huge tag matches!

However, we must first talk about last week's Smackdown. It took place over in some rainy island that lost its empire. I'm pretty sure Ray over at Wrestlegasm was popping a major girl boner for her one chance to see CM Punk. Lucky for us, he didn't do much in last week on Smackdown, so we can talk about more pleasant things.

Like Mickie James.

Veteran"? Isn't that just code for "old"? It seems as if Mickie has heat with the interns of WWE.com too.

She wrestled Natayla, who is not remotely involved in Survivor Series. As such, you'd expect her to get her butt trounced, but no! Mean girls Michelle McCool and Layla decided to cut up Mickie James sparkle jeans! Natayla then locked in the sharpshooter, the move Shawn Michaels used to screw her uncle Bret out of the WWF Title at Survivor Series 1997.

Side note from the "Where are they know?" files: Did you know that Bret Hart eventually suffered a stroke?

Girls only care about clothes, lulz.

In other Ray boner news, WWE decided to split the crowd reaction and have two dudes from the UK fight. Scottish (right?) Drew McIntyre took on Irish (right?) Finlay in a fight of Twister level of epicness.

"Our beer is better, chap!"

Anyway, these two went so hog wild on each other's bodies that the referee ejaculated lost control and just disqualified both men. You know (tm), for a "future world champion" Drew McIntyre sure doesn't do much to make himself standup. If he debuted three years earlier he'd be part of the Spirit Squad.

That could have been Drew McIntyre

People love to pity Rey Mysterio, because his friends seem to turn on him all the time. Well you now (tm) what I think? What's the one constant in that equation? Maybe Rey is the problem!? Well, rather then be a rational adult and sort things out or avoid the confrontation, Rey is fighting his former friend Batista (he's bad now) at the Survivor Series. Well, only one way to make this official- contract signing!

Face=black

Heel=white

This contract signing was pretty mundane; no lawyers present, parties only need sign one line and not actually review the document, and no one notarizes it nor is an official witness. Just like when I signed my mortgage! And of course, the parties choose to yell at each other after they sign the document, thereby showing the mutual agreement that they both promised to uphold.

Or "I make a unilateral deal alone!"

And of course, it ends in a fight. Just like they teach you in law school.


The main event was World Champion the Undertaker taking on one half of the Unified Tag Champs, Chris Jericho, in OMG!!!111!!THEFIRSTTIMEEVER!!11!!!11!BBQSHIFT1ONE




Yea, sorry to say it, but this one was a little weak. Who would have thought that a World Champion, responsible for PPV buys, ratings, and being an overall merchandise mover who only has one hip could no longer have awesome matches? Common knowledge would make you believe that you have him put over other talent, elevating them as he slowly declines into poor health, but hey, this is WWE! Why bother planning that far ahead when they can just give away this match with hardly any build?

Oh, and Undertaker goes over in the match and THEN the Big Show interferes so Jericho can get his heat back. Because why have the match end in a no-finish when you can let Jericho job again, thereby leaving little doubt who will win on Sunday?

Step 1 of logical booking

Step 2

Oh, and speaking of heat...KANE!

Step 3: Profit!

There will be a tag match tonight with those four dudes. At least one of them can work! Avert your eyes to MyNetwork TV at 8/7c! Or log into hulu.com before they make you pay!