OH BABY, I like it Raw! Oh so Stratusfying

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Last week was a big one for Raw. First off, we were fresh off a pay-per-view, "Breaking Point." (You're welcome for the coverage of that, by the way, unlike some people I know) Second, we had a new champion, unlike some other people I know, seeing fit to shoddily recreate one of the most unfortunate moments in the business just because they're not smart enough to book a legit title match in the first place. And third, we have two familiar faces returning to the show, one of which I'm really excited for.


Well, speak of the Animal, look who's out here first! It's Batista! He says he has a huge announcement to make: it seems Big Dave is retiring.


Yeah, he's been injured a lot. In fact, he's still got a brace on his arm from the last time. So it only makes sense to hang it up now, rather than become the Kevin Nash for a new generation. I understand.

Is that a gas mask tree on his shirt? I'm really confused.

That's right, Orton thought it would be a good idea to come down and tell the injured Batista off. "But Matt," you're asking. "How did Dave's shirt get ripped open in that first picture up there?" Well, I'll show you...

Trust me. It's Batista doing that move on Orton.

The Animal isn't even hurt anymore!! He just lured Randy out into the open to do wrestling moves on him!! And he spoke the to guest host of the night and made match with Randy later in the evening!!! This is incredible!!!1!!

Oh, and he's going to Smackdown.


Yeah, seriously. That was Batista's big announcement. Shouldn't you just retire?

Speaking of the guest host for the night-


OH. MY. HEAVENS.

Yes, that's the always beautiful Trish Stratus, looking finer than frog's hair. Kelly Kelly, go take a long walk somewhere; I don't need you tonight.

Trish announced that new champ John Cena would have a rematch with Randy Orton for the title in a Hell in a Cell match at, interestingly enough, WWE's "Hell in a Cell" pay-per-view. At least, I think that's what she said. I lost control of all my other senses but sight for a moment.

That belt buckle is about to stand for "100% full," if you know what I mean.

Shawn Michaels decided is wasn't enough to tap out to Legacy at "Breaking Point," and is going to wrestle the more talented member of the group one-on-one.


HBK and DiBiase would hook up in a high energy match, while Triple H stood ringside, learning to whistle.

"I just wish I could show my support with a high-pitched vocalization."

Things got so intense in the ring, Trips and Cody couldn't stand not to fight as well, so they started brawling on the outside of the ring...


...which resulted in the ref ruling the match a "no contest." Good job. Now I'll never know who was going to win. Thanks, children.

At some point during the night, Trish got into a verbal disagreement with Beth Phoenix and Jericho, causing her to do what so many guest hosts before her have done: Put herself in a match against them both. Of course, she wasn't going alone, since this was a tag match, and she picked one of Jericho's opponents from "Breaking Point" as her partner.


Naturally, things broke down rather quickly, as Big Show came out and tried to put things in the bad guys' favor. Trish quickly added Mark Henry to her team, coming dangerously close to something you'd find somewhere else on the internet.

Crotch watch, fo sho.

Of course, it made sense for Trish's team to win, with her getting the pin over Beth, if only for this shot, made specifically for LOL, Wresslin'.


Trish, I missed you.

In the final match of the night, the Animal and the Viper battle for dominance over the wild kingdom in a "No Holds Barred" match, meaning at some point, someone is going to interfere with things.


Cena wouldn't actually get involved. He just came to make sure Randy would take his beating, which he did.

Get yourself an eyeful, Dave.

Batista won, burying Orton further after he lost the title not 24 hours before. Now he can go off and enjoy that "pit of danger" that is Smackdown.


Whew! What a night! Tune in at 9/8c on USA as...Cedric the Entertainer is your guest host?? Makes me long for the good ol' days...

That's better.

The perks of being a champion

For a song to accompany this post please press play



We all know that everyone wants to be a champion. Why else would someone compete for WWE unless they wanted to prove they are the best. Of course, not all titles are created equal. No, they all contain different benefits and deficiencies that have never been officially revealed. Until now that is. We Laugh Twins have ninja'd our way into the WWE Hall of Fame (it does exists, just not for you, Superstar Graham) and found a sacred parchment outlining the rules WWE holds dear. So be thankfull, but let's keep this one a secret, ok LOLiacs?

Intercontinental Champion

Champion of all landmasses, excluding the United States, which chooses to have their own champion (more later). The IC champ must learn the languages of the world and be present at all secondary functions of importance. Basically, if the Duke of Wales is throwing a party, expect to see Rey Mysterio there for a photo opportunity. As champion, he is part of a time share for a Swiss ski cabin and has a book of discount travel coupons.

United States Championship

The US champion is responsible for representing the ideals this great nation was founded on. He must uphold free speech, carry a gun, and count Negros as 3/5's of a person in all Census counts. He also must make sure these are in only the most pristine of conditions. However, it's not all Fox News watching and border wall building. No, the US Champion is often consulted upon to help form future policy in all wrestling legislation. He also can cut the line at any cafeteria he wants and gets an extra pudding!

ECW Championship

The main perk is having a say in Sci-Fi/Syfy's programming. If this was known earlier we could have telegraphed Matt Hardy's heel turn, as he was responsible for Battlestar Galactica's cancellation. Other then that, the ECW champion is worthless.

Women's Championship

Champion of all women. If she is pure and virginal, it is foretold that she will Immaculately Conceive the Savior's return. If not, she will oversea the work done on clothing repair/cleaning, grilled cheese sandwich preparation, and boo-boo fixing. For being champion, the National Organization of Women provide her with a celebratory terry cloth robe, foot soaking tray, and a GPS so she no longer will get lost when driving. Best part is, she can keep them all even if she's no longer champion! Multiple time champions receive a silk robe and $2,000 American Express gift card upon their third and seventh title reigns.

Diva's Championship

Upon winning the title, the Diva's champion is given a $40 iTunes gift card and VIP passes to VH1's annual "Divas Concert." She is responsible to dress like a whore and playfull flirt with all men. Sleeping one's way up to women's championship is encouraged, but not required.

Tag Team Championship

World Heavyweight Championship

He is champion of all landmasses and the seas. Dines with kings and queens, but can also feast on pork and beans. The World Heavyweight Champion is a gentleman and a scholar. He is also Ambassador of Earth for the Galactic Council. Meetings often adjourn with beatings. He is given the best of all fringe benefits. Firstly, the world champion is allowed one free Motorhead performance at a pay-per-view per year. He also has access to a network of spies to do background checks on anyone he chooses. The World champion is given a 1973 Cadillac El Dorado convertible for every title reign. Ric Flair has sold them all, in an effort to not leave memories alone.

World Wrestling Entertainment Champion

The face of the company; responsible for ratings and PPV buy rates for his period as champion. Subject to performance review. Also has a seat on the board of directors. Benefits include WWE paying for his MBA for a post wrestling career and increased merchandise production. Also gets the largest Christmas bonus. WWE also provides the champion with a company car and boat, and membership into an exclusive Greenwich country club. One day a year Vince McMahon will be his caddy, turning the tables on the other fifty-two.

Ask us? Being a champion is worth every sacrifice.

OH BABY, I like it RAW! vol. 12

SEASON'S BEATINGS!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



There's this concept in all forms of entertainment called a "build-up." The idea is that you don't put your best stuff first; you gradually work toward it, until the viewer/listener/reader is in such a fevered state of anticipation, they simply explode when you finally reach the climax. If I were any sort of writer, that's what I would do.

But I'm not.

You see, last Monday was December 22nd, but for fans of Raw, Christmas came early...

And so did I.

So how did this wonderful occurance come about? Well, we were in Toronto, a land of magic and of dreams. Where prayers come to be answered. Also, it's Trish's hometown, which only makes all those other things that much more true.

We kick off the show with Santino saying that he's going to reveal the secret of Santa Claus. Right, ok, Santino. And I guess you think wrestling is fake too, right? Psshhh. Italians...

Definitely not Italian

Our very own Mr. Cena has a problem with Santino the Grinch, and says he's not going to let him say anything about Santa. Santino has a problem with being told what to do. How will they settle it? Violence, of course! They decide to have a tag match: Santino and his boyfriend Beth Phoenix versus John Cena and any other diva of his choosing (I guess Santino counts as a diva now?) If you haven't figured out by now where this is headed, you're dumb.

Before we get to all that goodness, let's see what else happened in Rawtown last week: Turns out tonight we're having a series of matches to determine who will face Mr. Cena for his title at the Royal Rumble. There will be four matches, and the winners of each will be meeting in a Fatal Four-way (Why is it "fatal"? Did someone die?) The winner of THAT match will go to the Rumble.

Let's look at a couple of matches: HBK vs. Kane, and JBL vs. Rey Mysterio. Now, I'm not going to go so far as to say that the WWE is predictable, but considering that two of those guys have a storyline together, and the other two are battling an unknown boyfriend and height restrictions at Six Flags...well, it would be very nice if Michaels and Bradshaw advanced. Again, not to say it's predictable.

Not nearly as predictable as I am.

And guess what - that's exactly what happened! Shawn beat Kane, because Kane can't seem to capitalize on the fact that he's bigger and stronger than everyone else. And JBL won because Shawn punched him in the face.

What?

Right; in what seems to be the terms of his employment, Michaels came down to the ring just as it seemed JBL was about to have an area code dialed on his noggin, pulled him out of the ring and hit him. Which caused JBL to win via disqualification, and only reinforced the idea that in this country, Rey, hard work and willpower isn't nearly as effective as a good cheater. If you don't like our American way of life, well you can just GET OUT.

Manu lost to Kofi Kingston, and the time was primed for Sim Snuka to ask Randy if he could be a part of the New Kids on the Block. Disappointed by Manu's loss, Orton said that they might be looking for a new member, because you see, the New Kids hang tough, and if you don't have the right stuff to walk step by step with them, call it what you want, but you're going to have to face the music.


In another Rumble qualifying match, Orton was set to face Batista. Seeing as how Bastista had surgery this week to reattach his head after Randy punted him, he didn't show for the match. Orton won via forfeit, but still felt the need to give a victory speech. We never got to do that in Little League baseball.

Our last qualifying match was Chris Jericho and C.M. Punk. This was easily the match of the night. That Punk kid sure is swell - they should give him the belt some day. But not this time. Jericho caught Punk off the top rope for a Code Breaker and it was all over. Needless to say, that was pretty awesome.

...I just can't seem to find a picture of it...

Finally, Trish Stratus comes back in action. All joking aside, she looked good. Always my favorite diva, it was awesome seeing her back in the ring for a bit, and if she were doing it full-time, there's no question she'd be the best on the roster. But enough talk...

Let's just stare for a while.

Did any of you really think she was going to lose?

Will there be more Trish tonight? If not, there's still the internet, but find out at 9/8c on USA!

W.W.W. featuring Goldberg/ Chris Jericho and Christian vs. Low Ki

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff then us

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your custom Umaga Titantron ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- Goldberg vs Chris Jericho (Bad Blood Promo)



Adam's response...

If there's one thing the WWE is good at, it's creating compelling story lines mixed with some of the finest athletic performances you'll see this side of basic cable. However, if there's another thing they do well, it's creating some pretty succinct and effective montages to hype various PPV matches. This particular montage is pretty amazing, recapping no less then four years of beef between Goldberg and Chris Jericho. This piece of video is so beautiful that I think the only way to express my glee is through the ancient Japanese art form known as haiku.

Goldberg riding in style.
A limousine for the champ.
Uh oh! Rental car!

Lance Storm, devilish heel.
Did he try to hit Goldberg?
One way to find out!

Squared circle settles
all problems. Spear! Jackhammer!
"It was Jericho!"


Sending a message
by trying to run over Goldberg
is a bit extreme.

A history of
friendship provides a rich
and deep back story.


Mid 90's WCW
means Jericho is shooting.
This is not a work.

Goldberg's disses are weak.
Jericho "ain't nothing but an
ass" is not clever.

Chris then runs in fear.
Jericholics are
embarrassed for him.

Oooooo, throwing paint!
Spearing Charles Robinson!
But that's Little Naitch!

Chris has poor logic.
Goldberg is so mad he will
make a mistake?

Bad Blood: An aptly
named pay-per-view event.
At least for this match.

Adam's video to Matt - Low Ki vs. Christian on WWF Metal



Matt's response...

I have to say from the very beginning that Christian comes out looking like about seven different people I went to high school with. No, not muscled up and wearing championship gold, but rather greasy hair and a shirt that is a little too see-through. Just had to get that out of the way, because I'm sure I'll be seeing some of them during a high school reunion.

As you've probably noticed, LOL, Wresslin' has a love-hate relationship with announcers - we love to hate them. This crack team does nothing to improve our impressions of them. Please note that Jonathan Coachman, a man who's Wikipedia page is littered with the word "former," and Kevin Kelly spend the entire first half of this match NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO IT WHATSOEVER. Apparently, it's far more important to put over a women's feud (featuring the most tenuous segue possible: "Hey, Christian's shirt is wet...you know who else had a wet shirt earlier this week?") and to discuss if Terri and Trish (oh, pllllleeeaaase call me) have a crush on Coach.

Good enough.

Author's note: My first appearance on television was of me holding a sign that said "I want to be Stratusfied" at a Raw event in Dallas.

Oh, and let's put over WWF Excess, because that's also far more important than calling the action in the ring DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF US. Anyone remember that show?

Exactly.

Oh wait! Did someone just take a nut shot? Well, now this is getting interesting. Eh, nevermind, let's talk about Kurt Angle now. Seriously, these two are about as effective at their jobs as a quadraplegic football player (unless he's the ball). Even when the match is coming to an end, and the spots are dropping left and right, this crew is talking about Triple H. Good job, gentlemen. I bet each of their closets are half-full of coffee stained shirts because they're both so inept.

Now, let's talk about the match; this barely four-minute-long slobberknocker. It's actually pretty good. Nice energy and decent spots. Low Ki (who's wrestled in just about every company and has changed the spelling of his name about as often) looked great as he always does. I wonder if it hurts to do those chops on that fishnet shirt.

Christian obviously has his peeps in the house. If that's not apparent from the sizable pop at the beginning, I'll point you to an exuberant fan who lets the world know of his overwhelming markness right after Low Ki is knocked off the ring apron. Allow me to translate:

"GEEEETTT HIMMMMM!! YEEEAAAAHHHHHH!!! CHRISTIIIIIAAAAANNNN!!! GET HIM!! GET HIM, CHRISTIAN!! YEAAAHHH, SON!"

Couldn't have said it better myself.