W.W.W. featuring Sid Justice/Ultimate Warrior and Steven Regal

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your Jeff Hardy tribute set to Saliva ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- Ultimate Warrior Sid Justice Promo



Adam's response...

"Rewriting Sid Justice's Promo"
by Adam

Listen here, Warrior! I am the most short sighted, EASILY distracted man in history! ONE, JUST ONE, small diversion from my plan, MY PLAN, to kill, FINALLY KILL, Hulkamania and all bets are off. You think it's ok to save that old man! To save HULKAMANIA! Well you've awoken a fire within me that not even Harvey Wippleman can quench! I'm coming for you! Me! SID JUSTICE, the man who rules the world! And I don't know if that includes Parts Unknown!

"Rewriting Ultimate Warrior's Promo"
by Adam

THE POWERS OF THE WARRIOR ARMY FILL UP INSIDE ME LIKE ANT SITTING IN A CLOUD!!! I'VE CLIMBED THE HIGHEST MOLE HILL! I'VE PERCHED ON TOP OF DOVES! I'VE DONE WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICES, SID JUSTICE!
YOU WANNA RULE PARTS UNKNOWN?! WELL COME DEEP INSIDE AND TAKE THIS CEPTER AND CROWN FROM MY BEING! FIGHT PAST ALL THE WARRIORS! FIGHT PAST THE CENTAURS! SURVIVE THESE CHALLENGES AND YOU WILL FIND ME, THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR SITTING UPON MY THRONE OF FETUSES AND AND VIRTUE. THEN, ONLY THEN WILL YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT CONSTITUTION IT TAKES TO PREPARE FOR SUMMERSLAM. THEN, ONLY THEN WILL YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO JUMP OFF THE HIGHEST BUILDING IN THE WORLD AND FIND THE TRUE BEING OF THE WARRIOR INSIDE ME.

I'VE SEEN YOUR SOUL, SID JUSTICE, AND YOU ARE NO RULER OF THE WORLD! YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR THE WARRIORS, YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR HULKAMANIA, AND YOU ARE CERTAINLY NO MATCH FOR ULTIMATE HULKAMANIC. SO BOARD UP YOUR HOUSE! BOARD UP YOUR DOG! THERE IS NO ESCAPING THIS ONE WAY CYCLONE OF AGONY AND DESPAIR! DESTINATION: PARTS UNKNOWN.

*SNORT*

Adam's video to Matt - Steven Regal vs. Dick Togo

Adam's helping us out this week by providing a video that can't be embedded, but don't do yourself a diservice; watch it here!

Matt's response...

Yes, just what I wanted on my Wednesday. Some mat wrestling. What a gift to be given in my email inbox.

Immediately, something jumps out at me on this video: How in the hell did Regal get saddled with this gimmick? A "real man's man" means a cut-off flannel and a hard hat. Is he a construction worker? A lumberjack? Some amalgamation of the two? I would have to assume he can swing a hammer or an axe with equal verve and ability. He is a "man's man" after all. And half of the comments left on the video (there are only two) agree with me. At least, I would have to assume that FWFChairman is referring to Regal when he says "lame gimmick," because who doesn't like an Asian guy named Dick?

All you Dicks look the same.

Also, this is from WWF's former (and I stress former) show Shotgun Saturday Night, which was originally filmed in New York City nightclubs. I can only imagine what that scene would have been if these two walked in.

Probably not much different than the scene here.

This video serves as another example of two commentators who couldn't be more unaware of what's happening in the ring. If they could take a bathroom break or hit the concession stand, they totally would, just like the rest of the audience. It takes Michael Cole and Jim Cornette about half the match to start calling the thing, after their done talking about Commissioner Shawn Michaels and some In Your House show named after the Rock.

Of course, they go right back to talking about Sunday Night Heat.

W,W,W. featuring Ric Flair & the Ultimate Warrior and Suburban Commando

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your contribution to any of the hundreds of Hurricane Helms tributes on YouTube ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Ric Flair interrupts Ultimate Warrior promo



Matt's response...

If you're a regular reader of this blog (yeah, I'm talking to you), then you'll know that I thought it was a pretty terrible decision to put Mike Knox early in the show. It just casts all the rest of your talent in sharp relief, and you see their deficiencies in all their deficient glory. If you want people to think that everyone is a decent talent, then you put people together and stack your matches in a way that doesn't make is obviously clear someone is falling a bit short.

It is for this reason exactly that you should never, NEVER, put the Ultimate Warrior on the same interview stage as the Nature Boy Ric Flair. Hell, you should never even have them speaking at the same time when they're anywhere in the same building, for fear of someone hearing them both simultaneously. Whoever thought this was a good idea must be deaf.

We're big time in the build-up for SummerSlam 1992. The Ultimate Warrior is days away from facing Macho Man Randy Savage for the WWF Championship.

I totally confused the two! They should change their name...

Here's the background: a couple years prior, the Ultimate Warrior refused to put up his title against Savage (and he calls Macho desperate?) and not content with just ripping up the contract for the match, he also felt like ripping up Sensational Sherri's dress. Macho wasn't pleased; he was ready to tear it up and kick some butt. So Savage goes ahead and costs Warrior the title at the '91 Royal Rumble. Then they decide to have a retirement match at Wrestlemania, and Warrior wins, so Macho is fired! Oh wait...he wasn't? I guess contracts and match stipulations really don't mean a damn thing.

Above: WWF toilet paper

Which brings us to 1992. The two rekindle that old flame, and now we have Warrior challenging the one Macho for his title. No surprise the former champ Ric Flair has something to say about it. Specifically, he wants the title back. There's just something about that ten pounds of gold. So while Ultimate Warrior is spouting utter nonsense, Ric Flair causally enters the arena and ascends the platform.

Flair informs him that Macho has been courting Flair's pal and ruckus-causing buddy Mr. Perfect to manage him for the SummerSlam match. Just the mere presence of Mr. Perfect is sure to make Macho Man something akin to Mr. Nearly Flawless. How are you supposed to beat that?

Luckily for the Ultimate one, the deal isn't final, and he can still get in on the bidding. Proving once again that Ted DiBiase, Sr. was right: everyone has a price. Flair says that all the Ultimate Warrior has to do is open the gates to that big house in Phoenix, cut a great big ch--

Wait. Just. A. Damn. Minute.

Run that by me again.

The Ultimate Warrior lives in PHOENIX??? You have got to be kidding me!

I spent my entire childhood wondering where "Part Unknown" was, and all this time is was in goddamn Phoenix?!

Let's see...

Phoenix, Arizona

Parts Unknown

You know (tm), I can't really tell a difference.

Well, Warrior ponders this and then issues this final statement:

Let me go on record...RIGHT NOW....THIS MINUTE...I, and these Warriors, will go on record to say that we will do anything, pay any price, to win the World Wrestling Federation Championship!

So, he's going on record to let us know that at some future date he and all the Warriors will go on the record about winning the WWF Championship. Makes PERFECT sense.



Matt's video to Adam- Suburban Commando trailer



Adam's response...

So lately we've been clowning the Macho Man Randy Savage. Especially his little feud with Hulk Hogan. One of Macho's main firing points is the status of their respective acting careers. Well, Hogan certainly has the quantity, but does he have the quality? Suburban Commando may be the definitive answer.

Before I get into this I think it's fairly obvious that Matt and I love crap. So sending me the trailer for Suburban Commando is ripe fodder for a few "lols." Matt has high expectations as well, since this is one of his favorite movies from childhood.

Well, sorry to disappoint, but I just don't get it.

Before I get into the trailer per se, I did a little background on the flick. It was originally going to be titled Urban Commando, and set to star Danny Devito and Arnold Schwarzenegger. They instead made Twins. Good choice, boys. Anyway, I assume this went to developmental hell and eventually Hulk Hogan got the lead.


Hogan plays "Shep Ramsey", an intergalactic warrior who is in need of a little shore leave. Well, so says his commanding officer. On his way to not taking a break, Ramsey's ship breaks down and he's trapped on the mysterious planet "Earth." Uh oh! Strange new, primitive world! What kind of horrors and trials will Shep be subjected to!??!!?

So he's walking around suburbia when he sees that things just aren't right. People here don't hunt for food! They buy fruit! They don't fight! They sue! They don't protect themselves with weapons! No no. They use sentient car alarms which for some reason feel pain. Why?! Why did you program it to feel pain and cry!? It's just a robot!



Here's a logical question. If Shep has never been to Earth, how can he speak English? He's clearly being portrayed as nothing more than a warrior. Academics are not a priority in his life. So why would he know the language of such a primitive culture. And we are primitive in comparison to Shep Ramsey. He may tear up tee shirts, scream "dude!" a lot, and wear black bandannas to formal events, but he has at least mastered intergalactic travel. That alone puts him light years ahead of us.

Anyway, Christopher Loyld is also in this movie, but you wouldn't know it from the trailer. He has two lines in it, the second being "You know (tm), I was frozen today!" Yes, I can tell by your acting. Oh well, at least I still have Clue.

And of course, you always leave the viewer on a laugh. Some little girl cries for her cat, Shep uses his amazing strength to bring the tree down, and she snottily replies, "That's not my cat!" and huffs away. Our simple, yet lovable brute dumbly says , "Oh," as he lets go and the cat is flung away to its death, leaving us only with it's horrifying death curdle.

L

O

L

This isn't "so bad it's good." It's just bad. It seems uninspired, even for mindless family films. All the comedy is derived from Hogan being either emasculated of falling down more than Christopher Reeve on a pogo stick. It's like he's Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock. There's no real personality, just a lovable goof. I don't see how this is remotely enjoyable.

I'm going to leave you all with a little math problem here. Suburban Commando had a limited release on June 21, 1991, and had a wide release in October of that year. So there's no way the home video would have come out until at least 1992. That would make Matt 11 years old when the video came out. Even that's a little too old too enjoy this tripe. Matt, you're a giant baby.

Baby wanna watch Suburban Commando again, mama!