OH BABY, I like it Raw! Summon a Damon

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



We hope you didn't mind the short hiatus we took over the Christmas holiday. You only missed a Smackdown recap, so I'm sure it wasn't that bad. However, I assure you that you're going to wish you missed this one too, since it seems that we're being left with very little to entertain us these days.

Guest host Johnny Damon (he's some athlete - look it up) let us know that Santa would be coming by Raw to grant a wish. Well, I'm sure that's going to go very well without any sort of violence. Also, we have a 3-on-3 Divas match...STARTING NOW!

It's a Santa's Little Helper match, meaning the good Divas dress like this...


...and the bad Divas dress like this...


At least they all match this time, right WWE.com interns? Good girls win this one.

Kofi Kingston and Randy Orton have settled into fighting each other every week in some form of tag match, and last week would be no different. Here we have Kofi enlisting Mark Henry and Evan Bourne in his team, and the Legacy on the other side.

Cody Rhodes will take that sign's advice to heart.

As always, things would get pretty brutal when these two bulls lock horns.


The action was so intense, the WWE.com interns barely had the ability to write a coherent sentence.

Even more strength than what?!

Kofi would come out on top of this match, because it's Christmas and WWE believes in charity.

We were then given the opportunity to watch real life legal drama as DX was taken by Hornswoggle to "Little People's Court." I'm serious. This is probably all you need to know:

Before you ask, yes, that is a midget.

They were found guilty of being taller than Hornswoggle, or whatever it is those midgets get upset about.

This night was full of matches that meant absolutely nothing, such as John Cena versus Jack Swagger. Why did they fight? I don't know. I must have missed the explanation when I got up to make a sandwich. Cena won. Don't believe me?

Proof.

Then there was Chris Masters, who beat up Carlito because he tried to steal a kiss from Eve under the mistletoe. I guess that's a little more understandable, because Eve is a stone cold fox, but still, I don't need no gosh-darned romance with my rasslin'!


But I guess Masters did it for the right reasons, so good for him.

For Pete's sake, act like you've been there before, you big dufus.

WWE Champ Sheamus beat the crap out of MVP, because for whatever reason that match needed to happen too.


Of course, this lead to an announcement that John Cena and Sheamus would face each other this week, so that was all worth it.

The Miz continued to completely waste the fact that he's United States Champion by beating up "Santino Claus," which, if you couldn't guess, was Santino dressed up like Santa Claus. And if one wrestler dressed up like Santa wasn't enough, Chris Jericho decided to have a go at it, coming disguised to the ring to grant Big Show's wish that Jericho be reinstated to Raw.

However, they didn't count on the WWE's littlest detective, and Hornswoggle yanked off the beard to reveal that it was Jericho all along, thus ending the ruse and prompting a flood of midgets to the ring to fight one of the greatest and one of the biggest professional wrestlers of all time.

The only logical conclusion.

DX would come to rescue and welcome Hornswoggle into the fold, making him the official mascot of the team, since we all know that he's incapable of being considered anything other than a ceremonial pet.

Timbaland is the host this week. I want to kill someone. USA, 9/8c.

W.W.W. featuring Christian/John Cena and Muhammad Hassan

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your Tully Blanchard impression ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Christian and John Cena rap battle






Matt's response...

Allow me to get real with you LOL Fans for a minute. You can blame me for the shoddy blogging this week. I wasn't able to do my weekly Raw recap and I'm the reason this post is showing up half a day late. What can I say? Real life happens, and Indian food just isn't worth the time spent away from everything else. Trust me. I will do everything I can get back in LOLing shape, because I know I'm depriving all three of you of some serious internet laughs.

That being said...RUCK FULES!

So this is when John Cena was the same guy he is now, but everyone liked him. Actually, I shouldn't say he's the same person - he did wear that chain. And the lock. Those are both very important.

It's on the cover of his DVD, for goodness sakes!

We're backstage before the Rumble, and we're treated to the obligatory "number drawing" routine. I hate this, let me just say. The paper clearly doesn't have anything on it. I wish it did. That would be interesting, having to adjust the match on the fly. However, this is just so scripted it hurts, and we're treated to one of two reactions from the wrestlers.

1. The fist pump and exaggerated "Yes!" Or,
2. The worried/serious/disappointed stare beyond the camera.

I don't know; maybe I'm that jaded fan know, but I think we all know the order is determined ahead of time. Just make a show of that to begin with. Have GM's screw superstars by giving them low numbers. Have matches not just for number 30, but also 25 or 26. They haven't done this bit lately, and hopefully it stays that way.

Now, as for the "rap battle"? Christian's was obviously supposed to be bad, and it was, so in that way, it was a success. I'll also tell you what made me Laugh Out Loud - "Tomko...give me a beat." That should never be said again.

As for John Cena's rap....well, I'm a little disappointed. You know (tm), he's supposed to be this amazing rapper, at least in the WWE Universe. He's supposed to be able to use his mind and extensive vocabulary to lay some sick burns on all his competitors, gaining that important mental advantage for his match. Let me give you some examples of his "sick burns." These are all within about 20 seconds of rapping:

• Christian shares a bed with Tomko
• Christian "goes down"
• Christian also plays with balls

Ouch. This hurts, because we all know being gay is really, really gross. Double that if your partner is Tyson Tomko.

Seriously, though, that was a battle? Sure Cena rhymed, but he couldn't get his mind off Christian's main peep, and that's just lack of creativity, my friend. At least now he has to keep it clean for the kiddos, but that barely constituted anything worse that what we wrote in the boy's restroom in fifth grade.

Ok, ok - what people wrote about me in the boy's restroom. Damn you Mom for dressing me in a matching blue sweatsuit!


Matt's video to Adam- Hassan Attacks The Undertaker






Adam's response...

I'll always have a special place in my heart for Muhammad Hassan. And not in an ironic "He's like Glacier, thus stupid" way. I really wanted that character to take off. Seriously.

Allow me to explain.

Both Matt and myself had a professor at college by the name of Ranjan Chhibber. He taught film and cultural studies. He also loved wrestling and comic books. It's not hard to see why we loved him. Anyway, Ranjan was not well liked by the college (I believe his last words were "F Women's Studies!") and eventually quit. And what job did he line up next? A WRITER FOR WORLD WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT!

Ranjan accomplished two things while working for Vince: becoming friends with Paul Heyman and creating Muhammad Hassan.

Now please, give Ranjan some credit. When Muhammad Hassan debuted he was actually a fairly deep character by wrestling standards. In fact, he was perfectly reasonable. A Muslim-American who is upset about the way he's been perceived in post-9/11 America. I think that's kinda cool. If they decided to make him a face or a tweener it probably could have gotten a lot of great publicity for the company.

And you know (tm) what? He had some very valid points. If you got the time, watch this video of Hassan in "Stone Cold's Court."






How does THE BIGGEST FACE IN THE HISTORY OF THE COMPANY greet his guests? "I see sand people." Wow. Hassan then extends his hand, even after such bigotry, to be polite and how does THE MOST LUCRATIVE STAR IN THE HISTORY OF THE COMPANY respond? "I'm not going to shake your dirty hand because I don't like." Austin has never met Hassan before, so he is pre-judging him based on assumptions he already had. Disgusting.

Ranjan eventually got burned out, as many do, working for the McMahons and quit WWE. Alas, Muhammad Hassan was still there. Time now to turn him into a full on terrorist! Because he's brown!

Of course, the above video aired on broadcast television (well, UPN), on the same day terrorists bombed London, effectivly forcing WWE to bury Hassan and cut him loose.

W.W.W. featuring Jerry Lawler and Lita

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your one-act play about The Headshrinkers ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- Jerry Lawler burns Bobby Bowden's nephew



Adam's response...

You ever think TNA is cheap looking? Ever think about how lame it is that they tape at a sound stage in Universal Studios? Well I tell you, that's miles better then some storage locker in Memphis, Tennessee.

I'm all for being frugal and having a close, intimate crowd, but this is a little too much. It's very hard to maintain the legitimacy of this being a sporting event when there are about 30 people watching it. Granted, most indy shows now-a-days can't claim that number, but they also don't have television deals.

As for the actual goings on in the video- well, I couldn't tell you. It's kind of cornucopia (Thanksgiving!) of happenings. Sid Vicious wore red tights and Doug Gilbert wore a mask. Isn't the entire point of wearing a mask supposed to involve you concealing your identity? Why wear the mask if you're just going to give out your social security number?

Above: The Amazing Peter Parker

Now, we've expressed our love of Scott Bowden on this site before, but I gotta call him out on one thing (I know you're reading this, Bowden): how does being Bobby Bowden's nephew get you heel heat? Granted, I understand you're essentially portraying a spoiled brat, but why not just be a spoiled brat? Why bring Florida State head coach Bobby Bowden into the mix? The University of Memphis is not a traditional football school, nor a rival of Florida State. I suppose you could make the case for the University of Tennessee being such a football school that the hatred of Florida State would carry down from Knoxville to Memphis, but UT and FSU are not rivals. They're not even in the same conference!

That being said, the assault on Bowden's Starter jacket is very topical for the early 1990's when this was made. Many men lost their lives for a Starter jacket.

Word

Still, the commentators could have been a little more concerned with an attempt to light Bowden on fire. He may be an annoying little shit, but a lifetime in the burn ward is a bit of a strong message to send. Also, it could lead to Bell's Palsy.


Adam's video to Matt - The Hardy Boys attack Dean Malenko in Lita's shower



Matt's response...

This is the mark equivalent of the Zapruder film. Actually, all videos in the "diva in the shower" subset are, meticulously paused and unpaused, trying to catch that exact moment where you maybe catch a glimpse of something you weren't supposed to/will never see. It's at times like these when I like to take things to the fans and see what the word on the street is.

According to YouTubers, the magic time is 22 seconds into the film, where Rooxilo says, "You Can See Lita's HOT ASS!" (Side note: is it really worth the extra time to capitalize every word? No one gives a crap.) Others make claim that a few seconds later, you can see her chest, but this can't be substantiated.

Of course, all these comments are prefaced with "I'm not being perverted, but..." However, finding it necessary to discover that 1/10th of a second of video where you might catch a butt crack seriously calls that claim into question. Then again, I have numerous Google queries of "Randy Orton hog sexy," so really who am I to cast stones? It's all work related though.


So what are all these video experts so worked up about? Well, for the first time in the history of blogging, I'm going to break this mystery right open. Just what is contained at 0:22? Here you go:


Through some digital trickery, I've enhanced this image, simply by typing "enhance" into my computer. Just like the movies! Take a look:


Not bad work, right? I'm pretty awesome. You can thank me, marks. Now go on and enjoy this time to yourself.

Then there's this...

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Summerfestivities!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



So last night was SummerSlam! Instead of recapping last week's Raw, as is custom in this space, I'll talk a bit about SummerSlam instead. Think of it as time travel, only way cheaper!

Not just for the rich elite anymore!

Raw's first match of the night is Jack Swagger versus MVP for no reason other than Swagger once calling MVP a criminal.


Swagger fought hard, as an All-American American would be expected to do. But then, tragedy struck...

"My tummy!! Owwww!"

And then, it struck again...


So MVP won that one. I guess that work release program is going alright for him.

Next up is another grudge match with nothing on the line. DX against the little boys from Legacy. I guess we're supposed to be curious how this is going to turn out: two older guys who haven't teamed together in a while versus the young and upcoming tag team. Sounds pretty lopsided against DX, actually.

Well, if you add that...

...and that.

Personally, it seems very unsafe to fire a lot of machine guns and a tank at a live audience, but DX is always finding ways to kid around. Those jokers!

But Legacy wouldn't let that intimidate them, and they were ready for a fight!

Ok, maybe one of them was.

As you can expect, this match was hot and full of excitement from the very beginning.


Shawn went up on the top rope for a little elbow action, but Cody had other plans. However, those plans didn't last very long.

He even falls like an action figure.

Before too long, Trips and Teddy wanted to get in on the action too.

Alright, gentlemen, let's keep this clean.

They scuffled about a bit, but Shawn was itching to get back in on the action.


Naturally, the match ended with a superkick out of nowhere. So much out of nowhere, the cameraman was changing his lens and didn't get a picture of it. It looked something like this...

File footage.

Finally, Randy Orton would defend his title again against Mr. John Cena. Well, let's see if there's anything they haven't thought of yet.

Errrr, um, well...

I guess there is a little originality left.

Anyway, getting on with this match, things started looking pretty bad for Orton at one point, and he did anything a reasonable champion would do - he shoved the ref. Of course, this caused a disqualification, and Orton left with the title. But for some reason, this would be the one match that Vince McMahon was watching and decided to inject a little common sense into it. He ordered the match restarted, and Randy would lose the title if he got a DQ again.

I know, bro!

...but he didn't say anything about getting counted out, which is exactly what Orton decided to do next.


At which point, Mr. McMahon ordered to the match to be restarted again, only now he'd lose the title if he was counted out. Clearly things are not looking up for the WWE Champ-


Oh for goodness sake, Cena! Can't you finish already?


Anyway, Orton thought that he'd skirt the rules again by putting his feet on the ropes during a pin. He's not a fast learner though, because a ref came down to restart the match a third time, marking the only three times fairness has been employed in the WWE. But that wouldn't last long though. Orton was set to tap out to Cena, when...


Yes, a fan would rush the ring, and instead of trying to get on camera or shake hands with one of the superstars, they decided to attack the ref just when it would be in Orton's favor. Seems a little fishy to me, but these fans are crazy these days. Orton would eventually hit Cena with an RKO to keep the title. A long way to go for nothing.

So there's your SummerSlam recap. Be sure to tune in tonight for your guest host Floyd Mayweather, Jr., who is being questioned in connection with a shooting last night. Should be fun times! 9/8c on USA!

W.W.W featuring The Godfather and The Four Horsemen

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your ironic rap video about Buff Bagwell a'int going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- The Godfather Crashng (sic) WWE Wedding



Adam's response...

Do you need more proof that WWE is its own planet? Look no further then their treatment of weddings. Weddings on earth-53 take about...three weeks to prepare. And they occur after about a solid...seven weeks of dating. And they always happen in the arena, in the middle of the ring. Think about that for a second. WWE is a nationally touring company that books their shows many months in advance. Yet somehow, they can make the arraignments to usurp television/event time to hold a private ceremony? Money, let alone logistics, must be insane to make that happen! Even with an employee discount!

About the actual wedding; it's always the main event of the show. As it should be. But is it really the best thing for this, the most sanctimonious of days? People were bleeding and sweating in that thing literally twenty minutes before the ceremony! And how come there is hardly any friends and family there? Just other wrestlers! And how do they determine which side the guests sit on if everyone is all a coworker!? And they're all dressed like crap! Boys, this is a wedding, not some club. Wear a suit. Now, a tux may be a bit too formal if you're not in the party, but you can wear a tie at least. It's a little sad when The Godfather is the most appropriately dressed for this function.

A baseball cap, Trevor? Really?

I know it's usually fine for a military man to wear his officer's uniform to formal events, but somehow I don't think "camo tee shirt" is acceptable.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan's 2X4 is better dressed more appropriately than you are, Kenny Dykstra.

I'll give Hornswaggle a pass. He's wearing a jacket and vest, and I imagine finding clothes is hard for him.

Clearly, this is every little girl's dream wedding. It's like she's a princess!

The next step is for the Godfather to come out just when the reverend was going to wed the happy couple. Perfect timing, almost as if it was planned for full dramatic effect. Many men rejoiced at the sound of his familiar Wah pedal.

Side note: We may have another fantastic exchange to accompany "Hold my money, Kanyon." JBL is doing his best Jerry Lawler impression when The Godfather comes out. Michael Cole is playing the straight man (kinda) in their pairing, and says "How many times have you been divorced." JBL's immediate reply? "Several." Brilliant in it simplicity, simple in its elegance, elegant in its brilliance.

Now for those not familiar with The Godfather, he was a pretty hot character in the late 90's during the "Attitude" era. In case watching the video left too much subtly, he was essentially portraying a pimp. As a pimp, he is forced to confront his old rival, Monogamy. So he offers an old, bald man the chance to pay for one night with a few "8's" over a lifetime of banging this and having her make him a sandwich on occasion. Teddy Long isn't Smackdown GM for nothing, and wisely turns down the Godfather's offer. However, The Godfather is not done. He then offers the "Ho Train" to all the other male wrestler (who are totally straight). They rejoice.

"Yea, I knew being a wrestler would finally get us some sweet tang!"

Here's the problem. There are at least forty dudes here. Maybe five women. Not a lot to go around, fellas. But what's even better is how all the Divas (and female guests) are horrified by the behavior of The Godfather and his influence.


The one in blue is Brooke Adams. She was on ECW for a hot second and had the gimmick of "girl who is into The Miz" (a performance she should have won an Emmy for). Are you really so upset that some douchebag took part in douchebaggery? I used the finest research tools a my disposal, and I have to ask: is being around The Godfather more demeaning then placing in Miss Hawaiian Tropic and Miss Bikini USA model searches? Where the entire point is objectification of women? You know (tm) Brooke, they say people in glass houses...

Of course, this wouldn't be WWE if we didn't end on a hilarious joke. Gerald Brisco wants to join the Ho Train, but Pat Patterson holds him back? Why would he do that? Is Patterson some sort of gay?

Oh, he is? Really? He's actually an open homosexual who is also a high ranking official in an industry that presents that lifestyle in a negative aspect? He should actually be viewed as a model of courage. dignity, and class? His life story is interesting? Well you don't say...

Adam's video to Matt - Brian Pillman joins the Four Horseman



Matt's response...

Let me just say that it's always nice to see a little Tony Schiavone in a video. He doesn't really do much here, but he's still nice to have around; like an old dog that lays at your feet.

Here, however, I will focus on the three centerpieces of this video, in a little segment I call "Crazy, Crazier and Craziest."

Crazy - Arn Anderson

Now, you may think it a little odd to call Arn Anderson "crazy." After all, he keeps his stuff together and simply cuts a nice promo putting over the Horseman. Pretty simple, right? Well, for the sake of the bit, I couldn't call it "Somewhat Normal, Crazier and Craziest," so just go with me here.

You do need to question the mental capacity of someone that rides with the likes of these other two. Something must not be right up there. Also, Arn invokes "pure mathematics and the law of physics" in their victory over Sting. Tell me that's not at least a little crazy.

The Fourth Horseman.

Crazier - Brian Pillman

Judging by this video, some my disagree with not giving the ultimate crazy honors to Mr. Pillman, but honestly, who was going to unseat Flair? Aside from that, Flyin' Brian more than earns the title, and you can look at it more like a 1-A/1-B situation.

First, Pillman basically admits to conspiracy to commit murder, saying that Flair "cut Sting's throat" and then excidely describing the "carnage that ensued." No one seems that concerned that a man was killed in the middle of the ring, but I think this is something that should be investigated. We have a taped confession. This should be a slam-dunk.

Also, I can't prove this, but I think some gangs also call themselves a "dynasty," so that doesn't really explain that characterization away.

Finally, he does this:

This during Arn's time on the mic. I kind of feel bad for Arn, because this dude is crawling about the ring and acting a general fool.

However, he can't nearly equal our final entry for tonight...

Craziest - Ric Flair

Effectively the craziest person to ever have a wrestling microphone shoved in their face. Some may argue that title goes to Shawn Stasiak, New Jack or even the Ultimate Warrior. But there's a difference between "crazy" and "insane," at least for the purposes of this article.

Allow me to provide a transcript of his first moments on the mic:

ARN

And you know what that means...Tell 'em Naitch!

ARN and RIC clasp hands in a show of friendship and solidarity.

RIC

Speaks gibberish

RIC runs from one end of the ring to the other, strutting in between and forcing others out of the way.

Ric is so crazy, that he distracts Schiavone while he's interviewing Arn Anderson.

And, in the true mark of a crazy person, Ric fails to indicate where his similes end, inevitably leading me to believe that all of the Horsemen are in town, ready to "go to work" on every woman they meet. Though, I suppose that's not all that far fetched.