R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? TLC OMG!!!

SEASON'S BEATINGS!!!!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Monday Night Raw might get all the press, what with their Dennis Miller and Hornswaggle feud, but we know that that doesn't sell PPV's! Nope! You need some real, solid meat to make buyers shell out their hard earned moolah. So how do you do that? With a compelling card filled with Smackdown matches!

Of course, that means more work for me. Crap.

So the future of WWE totally rolled around on the mat for a chance at being champion of the continents! And by future I mean "bland Scottish dude" and "apathetic rock star wannabe."

I have no idea what's going on here

Anyway, the interns at WWE.com decided to show us tons of cool John Morrison stuff, even though they didn't really amount to anything. Still, COOL STUFF!

SAVAGE!

GNARLY!

However, there wasn't a boring old Scottish guy in this match for nothing. He had to be boring and use finisher's from the 1980's as transition moves!

zzzz...snake...zzzz

Oddly enough, that was it. We have a new Intercontinental champion and his name is Sheamus Drew McIntyre!

Kidney pies!

In other "attractive people with long hair wrestling for a worthless title" news, Michelle McCool defended her women's championship against Mickie "Piggy" James. Mickie gets this nickname due to being a good ole Virginia farm girl and being gargantuan huge.

Just think of the thin girl she's hiding underneath layers of disgusting fat

Anyway, this match pretty much filled my genitals with enough blood that I had to see a doctor four hours later. Also nice to know that Mickie James goes A2M.

In case I'm being too coy...

Michelle McCool, being the bad guy and all, has some Latina woman named Layla as her backup. Probably for Layla's black belt in Mexican Judo. Regardless, this hot tamale, although her intentions are pure, just ends up getting in the way! Look at the debacle when she tried to distract Mickie, ergo help Michelle!

KICKED IN YO FACE!

Now's Mickie James's chance! She'll avenge all that punishment the two bullies gave her! Michelle is distracted! We've got a new women's champion!

That's the filthiest clean pin I've ever seen. Some Christian..

Oh. Pinned clean. By the heel. That makes complete sense.

So one half of the Smackdown power couple miraculously held on to her title, how will Undertaker prevail against THE ANIMAL!!!! in his chair match? And what in the blue hell is a chair match?

That.

So yea, it's basically an Extreme Rules/Street fight/no holds barred match. With a bunch of chairs. Jim Ross must be thrilled.



For whatever reason, Undertaker and Batista always have good matches together. It's weird that a cadaver and the Undertaker can work well together, but they do. This was duly noted by the lovely interns over at WWE.com

Can it really be referred to as "Old School" if he never stopped using it? If it's a regular part of his routine wouldn't it just be "Current School" or "School"?

Still, this wasn't enough as Batista needed to resort to FOREARMING THE UNDERTAKER IN THE NUTS and then hitting him with the chair! That's it! New World Heavyweight Champion! TEH ANIMALE!!!11!!!!


YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA! Wait! Teddy Long?! Why's he coming out!? You can't screw the Undertaker when he already lost the match! Huh? Batista used a low blow, and that's illegal? Swinging chairs is totally cool, but anything else isn't allowed?! What do you have to say for yourself!?


Well, the match restarted and Undertaker did that sit up thing and then cracked Batista with a chair (totally legal).

ACTING! SELLING!

Tombstone, weird pin, still champ.

I really hope you catch a bug one day.

Still, I smell a conspiracy. Somebody call Jesse Ventura!

Also, just so you know: Batista did not invent that "thumbs down" gesture. Some people think he did.

Come witness the fallout tonight at 8/7c, over on some stupid channel. MyNetwork TV or some bullshit like that. And then watch it again over on hulu.

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Turmoil launched with a chair

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

Get this. We here at LOL, Wresslin' LOVE the interns at WWE.com. They come up with the most fantastic captions for their photo slide shows! Check out this Shakespearean gold:

Alternate caption: Punk can't handle the truth!

Anyway, Punk's methhead took care of the former TNA champion.

RAPE!

KANE! and MIKE KNOX OMG!!! had a match.



You know (tm) who are unintentionally hilarious with their captions? The WWE.com interns! Open up for these two-part whammer:

Ok..standard stuff so far...

Oh! May as well have just added in "Thick girls" and saved some space their, interns.

Thankfully, the three lovelies in the ring can all work it. So their stoutness will be off set. Kind of like the WNBA; their strong fundamentals more than make up for their inability to dunk. Of course, this being wrestling, there is invariably an unfair advantage in these non-sexual threeways. Basically, the two bad girls beat up the good girl. Beth Phoenix should pick up the win because she's older and more experienced then Natayla, but Natayla, being a reasonable person, also wants to win. What ever is going to happen?

Using the finest research tools at my disposal, I recently learned that Beth Phoenix once had that weird nickname for some reason.

So Mickie James wins! She's going to take on the heel champion at the next PPV (this Sunday!) What were the odds, that the face (the wrestler we all cheer for) would take on the person we want to see lose MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD!? Thankfully Mickie James will go into TLC this Sunday with class.

Can't start a fire. Can't start a fire without a spark...

In other title news, John Morrison defended his pride in a non-title encounter with some dude named Drew McIntyre. That has to be a fake name or something. Drew McIntyre. What's that short for, AnDREW, you fruit. Still, I never heard of him before, but he looks mighty good getting kicked in the face.

Yea!

Awesome!

And you know (tm) who is stupid? So so so so so stupid! The interns at WWE.com! They consistently have the WORST captions ever for their slideshows. And don't get me started on their composition!

Really, WWE.com? We couldn't see it. You just had to tell us!

And finally, our World Heavyweight Champion (as opposed to any other weight class wrestling has now), The Undertaker, was about to address his challenger Batista with some scary fog and thunder. That is, until Big Dave came out and bludgeoned Taker with the most lethal weapon of all; the chair!

You know (tm), because it's a chair match.

Oh my! We have never seen the Dead Man take such a beating! What heat on The Animal! I want to spend money to see what happens next!



Before that though, watch Smackdown! 8/7c on MyNetwork TV. Or just avoid it on hulu.com!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Survival of the Fittest

SEASON'S BEATINGS!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm not working on my usual computer today. Thanksgiving and all. So we're going to try something novel. I'm going to be funny without my usual crutch of racist/dick pictures. Be thankful I'm even still doing this, you sycophantic hypocrites.

Bad friend Rey Mysterio got what he deserved as hometown boy Dave "The Animal" Batista just took him out back and whooped him bad. As a former resident of the District of Columbia, I can tell you the most intimate details of this bludgeoning. After the match, Rey was stretchered off into a ambulance and taken to the George Washington University Hospital on 24th and I St NW. The hospital of the President! Once Rey was resting peacefully, the Animal burst in and started brawling again! They brawled around the Washington Circle all the way down M St! They went down Wisconsin Ave and left The Gap there in shambles! They turned right onto Dumbarton, stepped into Big Planet Comics, bought Absolute The New Frontier and then went across the street to the ORIGINAL Five Guys! It's the only one that serves beer! They then ate peanuts and threw the shells on the floor, ate some fries with Old Bay spice, laughed and read comics, and then started fighting again! They went back to Wisconsin, back down M, back to the Washington Circle, got on Pennsylvania Ave, and eventually destroyed the White House!

Five star match!

A bunch of Divas had a match and I just felt sad that they have a job that requires low self esteem. Thankfully, the "fat" Mickie James and "Hispanic" Melina overcame their white oppressors and survived this series!

Finally, a tag team took on the Undertaker for his world title. How will the Undertaker hold his own!? Oh wait, it's a triple threat match! Will the tag team fight each other for a chance at singles glory?

Yes. Yes they did.

Proving there is no honor amongst thieves, our paragon of virtue, Chris Jericho, turned on his tag partner and tried to win the title. Since Jericho exists to put other people over, this attempt was unsuccessful. The Undertaker then made The Big Show tap out, so the 50 year old man with one hip and a ridiculous gimmick once again represents the company. Yes, the man who has such tenure that he no longer needs to go on the road and is so injury prone that he can not perform at the level he's previously established he could, is now responsible for house show attendance and television ratings, despite not being able to appear at both. All this defying conventional wisdom that "the money is in the face chasing the heel."

Brilliant.

Tell me a lie

Today is a sad day on earth-53. We've lost one of our own. Yes, Jamie Noble has retired. We'll pour a 40 on the curb for you, dude.



Now, we hear some of you snickering. "Oh, those Laugh Twins are at it again! Making a big deal over nothing, lulz." Well shut up! Jamie Noble rules! No joke. His entire career has been marked by nothing short of excellence. He started in WCW as part of the tag team The Jung Dragons, who had the gimmick of being Asian guys. Jamie, not being an Asian, wore a mask, thereby breaking down racial barriers for decades to come! Then, he took of his mask and formed another tag team with some dude named Evan Karagias, forming a tag team called "Noble & Karagias." Brilliant name, surpassed only by "Above Average" Mike Sanders.

Yea, he's about a 6.

When the WWF bought WCW, Noble was one of the 22 wrestlers whose contracts WWF decided to pick up from the old fed. That's right. They didn't take Goldberg, or Hogan, or Sting, or even Flair. Nope. Jaime Noble made the cut. That right there is evidence of his might.

Once in the loving arms of Vince McMahon, Jamie was able to be the real Jamie. He became a good old country boy, living in his trusty trailer with his girlfriend Nidia (who just so happened to have recently won WWF Tough Enough I). He also brought in his cousin, Nunzio, to WWE. Which makes perfect sense because the Italians are a race of people who frequently copulate with other races.

The good fortune didn't stop there, as Jamie and Nidia won the lottery and lived in hog heaven for a brief period. All until Tajiri, still mad about that Jung Dragons thing, decided to spit black mist in Nidia's face, blinding her. Jamie decided to get some ass on the side, since she was blind. Also, he thought he'd get away with it because on earth-53, the wrestlers never see what the crowd sees. Anyway, the two of them had a blindfold match which Jamie won because men are the dominate sex.



Then he got released for steroid usage.

This would also be fortuitous, as Mr. Noble went to the Ring of Honor. Now normally, that's not a good thing, but what did Jamie do there? Only won their frickin WORLD title. And who did he beat for it? Why, only CM Punk, Samoa Joe, and Christopher Daniels in a four-way match. Yes, Two former world champions and the other part of this Sunday's TNA PPV main event. We'd say Jamie Noble rules hard.

A month later he lost the title to Bryan Danielson. This no doubt paved the way for the eventual WWE Developmental deal Danielson signed four years later.

Anyway, Jamie went back to WWE and was part of Smackdown for a long time. He lost a bunch of Cruiserweight title matches, which sucks, but he also had a pretty awesome feud against Chuck Palumbo. Basically, he beat the former homosexual a lot and got to steal his woman because of it. Check out the old cooze hound in action.



Jamie then got traded to Monday Night Raw, where he continued being awesome and impressing ladies. Yup, Jamie Noble is more pimp then the Godfather ever was.



Then some albino beat him up so bad that Jamie had to retire.

Now, we know this may not seem like the most illustrious of careers. But honestly, what have you ever done? Can you look yourself in the mirror and say your half the man Jamie Noble is? Sure, he's short! But he's big on heart. And above all else, he was part of the greatest Velocity match of all time.



Yea, we thought so.

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Earning the right to brag

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post please press play and enjoy



Now, before I get you all ready for tonight's Smackdown (and in turn, Bragging Rights), I need to make note of something. This is LOL, Wresslin's 300th post!!!!!1shiftoneonebar-be-que11!! Please go to our register to purchase gifts.

ANYWAY

We take one week off and Nancy O'Dell causes everything to go to hell. Yessir, that "massive" Divas trade, to which I think Smackdown came out swimmingly. Gone is the boneless wonder Melina and that oddly appealing Eve, enter in "fat" Mickie James and "ugly" Beth Phoenix. Yes, I'm fairly pleased with this.

Now, we all know my love for Michelle McCool. Well, not anymore. Mickie James, dropped off work rate and all, is the new top lady of Friday! Don't get me wrong. McCool still has amazing abs and glorious fake boobs (with cleavage the size of the Grand Canyon), but something about finding the Undertaker sexually attractive turns me off to her. Plus, all that faith blah blah. So don't get me wrong, Michelle McCool, you're great. But whereas you gave me this:

Something something tight end.

Mickie James gave me this:


Speaking of a gaping vagina, The Miz and John Morrison reunited for a live rendition of their old talk show The Dirt Sheet (insiderish!). Turns out they have a match this Sunday (for bragging rights!), so it's time to argue over who most resembles Marty Janetty. Seriously, all the Jannety hate got sort of out of hand (not so out of hand that Janetty wouldn't go out and take a payday to job to the Miz on the Raw this past Monday, but still).

"Just because Marty Janetty is a former IC champ doesn't mean I'm the more Janetish!"

Still, considering how this is Smackdown, and Morrison is the face, guess who got the last laugh?






There were a bunch of matches to see who qualified for Team Smackdown at the PPV, but I read this week's Smackdown spoilers, and well, they're all kind of worthless now.


Anyway, best friends forever, who surely would never turn on each other for a chance at the World title this Sunday at Bragging Rights, Batista and Rey Mysterio, wrestled Mano e Mano last Friday. As usual, the interns at WWE.com did not disappoint with their captions.

Brothers, really? Does that explain the bunk beds and matching footie pajamas?

When did Rey hail from Russia? And what arms are we talking about? These arms?

Here's a caption I came up with: "The Animal mounts his prey for a late night hookup"

So the match was fine for what it was. Rey hit the most telegraphed finisher ever to get the win. BUT WAIT! Controversy! Seems Batista got his shoulder up, but the ref missed it! Why are referees always so incompetent? It's almost as if wrestling isn't legitimate! Or the ALCS for that matter! Of course, the Animal did not appreciate this.


And then CM Punk attacked Rey Mysterio for some reason.

Anyway, Smackdown is airing tonight from some city in the Northeast most likely. Be sure to watch it for some madcap hijincks on our way to this Sunday! MyNetwork TV, 8/7c or hulu.com! Here's to 300 more!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Sore Loser

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

Raw may have there fancy pants celebrities hosting their shows now, but you know (tm) what, that's just a disguise. Fact is, Smackdown doesn't need any of that rigmarole, despite not being on a real network. Nope, just week in and week out, Smackdown let's it's TV show do the talking. Case in point- Jeff Hardy came out to cut a promo about being the new champion. And how awesome doing drugs is.


That was basically it, and then Cryme Tyme came out for some reason.


Oddly enough though, they were early for something. They had a #1 contenders match for the tag titles against The Hart Dynasty. You know, I've never noticed this before, but Tyson Kidd has a pretty dumb hair cut.

Dickhead

Anyway, this was another chapter in the long, storied feud of two mediocre tag teams. Cryme Tyme had it won, but decided to get all braggadocios with their pin and it was broken up.

Oh..naggers. Of course.

Still, Cryme Tyme were not to be deterred and toughed out a tough win. They will now take on Jericho and The Big Show at Summerfestslam. Of course, not ones to wait, the tag champs came out to confront their opponents and "crush their dreams."

Big Show looks kind of like a bald Penn Gillette

Oh well. On the plus side, this is probably the best photo of Natalya I've ever seen.

I can think of two reasons why I like this photo

Speaking of Divas, Undertaker semen must be some anti-aging cream, because Michelle McCool's abs are tight!

And to complete the tasteless joke hat trick: "I bet the inside of Layla's outfit is pink too."

There was a tag match involving Rey Mysterio and Dolph Ziggler and some other dorks. You know (tm), for someone who loves that mask so much, Rey Mysterio sure as shit doesn't tighten it all. He should learn to take better care of his stuff.

If it bothers that nappy beard so much just shave the damn thing.

Anyway, Dolph took the pin again because WWE loves to bury young up and comers. Because why should anyone ever get their heat back? Oh well, maybe I'm just complaining over nothing. After all...



Yes, and in our fabled main event, Smackdown's top face and champion took on...Smackdown's fastest rising face? Really? Because what better way to establish a new champion's credibility then have him job out your future top guy? Although, there are rumors that Jeff wants to take time off. You don't think that they'd put the strap on Morrison and jump right into a hot new feud with him and Punk, but deciding to "make" Morrison by having him beat the super over Hardy, do you?

It's like watching that 300 movie...

No..they couldn't do that. That'd be...exciting...

But Evan Bourne's on Raw! Wait a second...

Oh my God. They are going to shoc-oh. Twist of fate? Swanton? 1-2-3? Never mind. But hey! Here's a welcome surprise! CM Punk comes out to congratulate his old rival. Men clashed at Night of Champions, and one came out the better. No shame in that, Punk. Glad to see you're the bigger man.

Sportsmanship!

WOW! Never saw that coming!



Oh well, telegraph more Smackdown action tonight at 8/7c, MyNetwork TV. Or whenever you want on hulu.com!