LOL, Wresslin' Enemy: Good Ol' J.R.

We've never been shy to express our distaste for wrestling announcers. They're an aggravting part of the patina of sports entertainment, and yet it seems that they are necessary. So, apart from making the occasional joke in poor taste, we tend to clench our teeth and bear their inane ramblings and perhaps even be entertained by them on occasion.

But one has just gone way too far.

That one would be Jim Ross, aka Good Ol' J.R., former Smackdown announcer who decided to take a little personal time so he could deal with a Bell's palsy attack. Clearly he doesn't care much about the fans to begin with. Now, though, he's decided to prove it to the world.

Writing on his vastly inferior blog, Ross said "chair shots to the skull should be forbidden in wrestling." He added: "Period. End of story. Bottom line." Ross's concern is with the health of the performer, after recent stories about former WWE wrestler Andrew "Test" Martin having brain damage similar to that of Chris Benoit's from having too many concussions, and the NFL focusing more on head injuries as well. Ross seems to think that the entertainment gleaned from chair shots is not worth the damage accrued.

We strongly disagree.

What's the point of wrestling without chair shots? Seriously. What do you think about when you think about professional wrestling?

Allow us to help.

And you know why you think about that? BECAUSE IT'S GODDAMN AWESOME. Don't believe us. Here's Exhibit B:

GET HIM, BATISTA!! GEEETTTT HIIIIIMMMMMM!!!

Can you possibly imagine what wrestling would be like if there were no more smacks to the dome with a folding chair? What would you even do with chairs if you don't swing them at full force into the unprotected head of a fellow wrestler? Sit on them?

Not so fun. In fact, that's lame.

Wrestling of the future.

The WWE is even having a pay-per-view called TLC, meaning Tables, Ladders and Chairs. Hear that, J.R.? Chairs. Even your own company is willing to put them into the hands of the performers and see what happens, and we all know the answer to that.

Of course, Ross wasn't done talking. He had another point to make:

If one accepts the glory and money one can earn as a successful wrestler in a major company then they should have no issue being a good citizen and living a clean life.

This in response to the constant issue of drug use in professional wrestling, which appears to have claimed the life of another performer before the age of 40. And you know what, we're totally on board with this one. Wrestlers should be drug tested and should be expected to keep themselves healthy and stay off damaging drugs. We certainly agree with that.

You know who doesn't, J.R.? Your boss, Vince Kennedy McMahon. We know that because he recently gave this guy a push...

...based completely on the fact that he's a drug user. That was the whole point. He uses drugs, and people like him, so let's make him one of the company's biggest stars with a storyline about his constant abuse of mind-altering substances.

Lest you forget, it worked.

So you'll please forgive us if we find all this a little disingenuous. Sure you can talk a big talk when you're sitting at home (well, as big as your mouth will allow at this point), but if and when you go back to announcing wrestling, you'll be cheering the chair shots and the druggies just like the rest of us. In fact, you'll be encouraging us to cheer for them, so doesn't that make you part of the problem?

W.W.W. featuring Jerry Lawler and Lita

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your one-act play about The Headshrinkers ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- Jerry Lawler burns Bobby Bowden's nephew



Adam's response...

You ever think TNA is cheap looking? Ever think about how lame it is that they tape at a sound stage in Universal Studios? Well I tell you, that's miles better then some storage locker in Memphis, Tennessee.

I'm all for being frugal and having a close, intimate crowd, but this is a little too much. It's very hard to maintain the legitimacy of this being a sporting event when there are about 30 people watching it. Granted, most indy shows now-a-days can't claim that number, but they also don't have television deals.

As for the actual goings on in the video- well, I couldn't tell you. It's kind of cornucopia (Thanksgiving!) of happenings. Sid Vicious wore red tights and Doug Gilbert wore a mask. Isn't the entire point of wearing a mask supposed to involve you concealing your identity? Why wear the mask if you're just going to give out your social security number?

Above: The Amazing Peter Parker

Now, we've expressed our love of Scott Bowden on this site before, but I gotta call him out on one thing (I know you're reading this, Bowden): how does being Bobby Bowden's nephew get you heel heat? Granted, I understand you're essentially portraying a spoiled brat, but why not just be a spoiled brat? Why bring Florida State head coach Bobby Bowden into the mix? The University of Memphis is not a traditional football school, nor a rival of Florida State. I suppose you could make the case for the University of Tennessee being such a football school that the hatred of Florida State would carry down from Knoxville to Memphis, but UT and FSU are not rivals. They're not even in the same conference!

That being said, the assault on Bowden's Starter jacket is very topical for the early 1990's when this was made. Many men lost their lives for a Starter jacket.

Word

Still, the commentators could have been a little more concerned with an attempt to light Bowden on fire. He may be an annoying little shit, but a lifetime in the burn ward is a bit of a strong message to send. Also, it could lead to Bell's Palsy.


Adam's video to Matt - The Hardy Boys attack Dean Malenko in Lita's shower



Matt's response...

This is the mark equivalent of the Zapruder film. Actually, all videos in the "diva in the shower" subset are, meticulously paused and unpaused, trying to catch that exact moment where you maybe catch a glimpse of something you weren't supposed to/will never see. It's at times like these when I like to take things to the fans and see what the word on the street is.

According to YouTubers, the magic time is 22 seconds into the film, where Rooxilo says, "You Can See Lita's HOT ASS!" (Side note: is it really worth the extra time to capitalize every word? No one gives a crap.) Others make claim that a few seconds later, you can see her chest, but this can't be substantiated.

Of course, all these comments are prefaced with "I'm not being perverted, but..." However, finding it necessary to discover that 1/10th of a second of video where you might catch a butt crack seriously calls that claim into question. Then again, I have numerous Google queries of "Randy Orton hog sexy," so really who am I to cast stones? It's all work related though.


So what are all these video experts so worked up about? Well, for the first time in the history of blogging, I'm going to break this mystery right open. Just what is contained at 0:22? Here you go:


Through some digital trickery, I've enhanced this image, simply by typing "enhance" into my computer. Just like the movies! Take a look:


Not bad work, right? I'm pretty awesome. You can thank me, marks. Now go on and enjoy this time to yourself.

Then there's this...

W.W.W. featuring Jake "The Snake" Roberts and Jeff Hardy vs D'Lo Brown

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your insider picks for a fantasy wrestling league ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Jake "The Snake" Roberts Wasted! part 1 - Drunken Interview



Matt's reponse...

"A man of his word - Jake the Snake Roberts. Back to ringside." -Overwhelmed Backstage Interviewer

Ahhh, Jake. There you are. True to form as always. In those few words up there, the poor man tasked with interviewing at the Heroes of Wrestling PPV, who surely had to have had a long night up until now, pretty much says the only thing that can be said. A true hero of wrestling, that man stuck it out with a straight face and threw back to the ring in style. Kudos, my friend.

Now, as I said a moment ago, this was at a PPV event called Heroes of Wrestling, from Casino Magic in Bay St. Louis, Missouri. The idea was to bring a bunch of aging wrestlers in for a few matches and make a load of money off nostalgia; pretty much what TNA is doing now, only this was ten years ago. Only 29,000 homes purchased the event. I'm pretty sure we could generate more pay-per-view buys with video of us shirtless picking our belly button lint. The rest of the planned events were canceled, and the organizer places a lot of the blame of the failure on the shoulders on Jake.

I'll get to that more in a minute, but I want you to check out the rest of the card for that night:

• Samu and the Samoan Savage versus Marty Jannetty and Tommy Rogers
• Greg Valentine versus George Steele
• Too Cold Scorpio versus Julio Fantastico
• The Bushwackers versus the Iron Sheik and Nicolai Volkoff
• Tully Blanchard versus Stan Lane
• Abdullah the Butcher versus One Man Gang
• Jimmy Snuka versus Bob Orton, Jr.
• Jim Neidhart and King Kong Bundy versus Jake Roberts and Yokozuna

Now, it should be noted that King Kong and Bundy and Yokozuna were slated to main event, but they were called in to clean up the Roberts mess. Still, would any of those matches get you excited to buy this thing?? Even ten years ago?? I think Jake, if anything, made this event a legend, rather than destroying the show. I can guarantee some dude called his friends and said, "Man, you have to pick this up. Jake is losing his mind." That surely generated at least one more buy, because no one else was going to pick this dog of a pay-per-view up, which the "wrestling community" has dubbed the "worst of all-time."

Back to Jake. You may have noticed the "Part 1" on the video. That means, yes, there's a part 2, and yes, I'm going to show it to you. If you do anything on this site, watch this video:



This video cuts off before the match starts, at which point Jake "held his snake between his legs, representing an erect penis, and then simulated masturbation for several seconds before lying down on the mat, apparently disoriented or close to passing out." (Wikipedia) I'd like to believe that Jake was simply committed to act and once he was done simulating rubbing one out, he simulated what most guys do afterwards and took a nap. It was here that Bundy and Yokozuna were called in to "save" the match.

Some might say that Jake is familiar with gambling; you might even say that he does it every day just getting out of bed. But I think you can tell from his promo earlier in the night that he really doesn't know much about it, considering he seems not to realize that "21" and "blackjack" are the same thing, that having 22 does not benefit you in either, and that having "too many" aces and 8's really doesn't mean a damn thing. So say what you want about Roberts, at least he's not blowing his cash in the casino. GOOD JOB!


Matt's video to Adam-Jeff hardy vs D'Lo Brown Heat Match (VERY RARE)



Adam's response

It seems as if the new bit dujour round WWW is the concept of ownership for these videos. Now, we specify in the beginning that the one rule here is that a video cannot be user created, thereby inferring all ownership to the original party that broadcast it (more often then not, World Wrestling Entertainment). Still, we often see in the video description something along the lines "I don't own this, please don't remove!" We also see, as in this case, someone watermarking there own logo onto the video.

For those not in the know, watermarking is a form of Digital Rights Management (DRM). DRM is rather hot issue in the media business right now, as it is an attempt to protect intellectual property rights by punishing legal consumers. In short, DRM is a form of control software that has been expanding with the proliferation of the Internet and digital music downloads.

In addition to watermarking, DRM exists within CD's that prevent ripping, subscription models in services like Napster and Rhapsody, and unique access codes to use, sort of like playing a video game on a PC. Additionally, there are usage restrictions. Until just recently, Apple's iTunes service sold DRM song files that could only be put onto Apple's iPod music player. Essentially, to use iTunes, the world's leading music seller, you had to own Apple hardware, thereby providing a competitive disadvantage to the consumer.

Of course, this is all done for some fairly noble reasons. Afterall, artist's and IP rights holders should not be subject to end-user abuses or piracy. This also encourages the consmumer to have a responsible purchase behavior and promote artistry.



Still, it's a hot button issue because of its attitude towards the legal consumer. In addition to being a public relations nightmare, it's also fairly worthless to stop piracy. At its most basic, DRM can be circumvented through the "analog loop", which is the digital equivalent of putting two tape recorders together and pressing record on one and play on the other.

Which brings me to THEBESTJEFFFAN (TBJF to his homies on the top left and right). This is an analog loop. Look at the terrible quality in both video and sound. I can hardly tell Jeff Hardy is a drug addict (or "young daredevil" as Jerry Lawler calls him) from this video. Or who blew what spots. It's a degenerated, degraded mess thanks to years of illegal tape trading.

But that's not for me to decide. No, it's far more important for you, the humble media scholars of the LOL, Wresslin' army to make your own choices. Ponder this questions and leave a written response in the comments or email. You will be graded.

1. Should the government become more involved in the DRM debate to regulate its use?
2. Do corporations lose cache with their customers by using DRM on their properties? Do the benefits outweigh the negatives?
3. Will DRM become standardized throughout the world eventually?
4. How do you think artists feel about their creations being protected by DRM? Should it be enhanced to protect their IP?

An early stocking stuffer

We've been doing this blog for nearly a year now, and it should come as no surprise that the Laugh Twins love wrestling! But there's something we love more.

Wrestling DVDs!

Why? Well, unlike day-to-day professional wrestling, the DVDs come prepackaged with all the good stuff and none of the Miz stuff. Add in some behind-the-scenes footage and interviews, and you have several hours of quality entertainment.

As you can imagine, we were excited when we found out that the "Dean of Extreme" (our nickname, not his, as far as we know), Jeff Hardy, would be getting a full-fledged release from WWE's DVD machine. To make matters better, it was scheduled to come out around Christmas! Our parents told us there wasn't a Santa, but we all know he lives in Stamford, Connecticut.

(Incidentally, Stamford's wikipedia page has it's priorities all wrong. WWE Headquarters is mentioned three-quarters of the way down the page, after the Versus NHL studio show and the YES network, and just before the fictional workplace of "The Office." Who's in charge of this thing???)

Well, the unfortunate happened...

BUSTED!! ...seriously.

Yes, just days after his last appearance on WWE television, Jeff Hardy met the long arm of the law, and that arm searched Jeff's house and found a number of prescription pills and some cocaine residue. Needless to say, he's got a little bit longer arrest record at the moment.

WWE, the fine, upstanding company they are, likely want to distance themselves from this druggie, despite the fact that they used that as part of his storyline for nearly a year. Still, they've decided to drop Hardy's DVD from their upcoming release schedule. We were heartbroken.

That is, until today.

You see, so many people love to LOL @ Wresslin', we have some fans beyond the velvet rope. We were sent some of the material that was to be included on the DVD from our friends inside WWE's DVD production group. And being shepherds to all the young members of the LOL, Wresslin' Junior Laugh Squad, we bring them to you. Consider it our way of making sure your Christmas isn't ruined.


Jeff's Greatest Smackdown Moments

This feature seems to be timed to take advantage of Smackdown's 10th anniversary, and since Jeff ended his career on Friday nights, it's only fitting to bring the audience some of his most memorable appearances on the show. Like this one, where he's a guest on Edge's talk segment:



Jeff's Biggest Hits

We all know Hardy can deliver some of the most devastating moves in the wrestling business, and this section brings us just that: all of Jeff's hardest-hitting moves packed into one feature! For instance, he loves to pull out the stops for pay-per-views, and this appearance on No Mercy was certainly no exception...



Or maybe you'd like this sick moonsault from all the way back in 1997! He was going strong back then!!



How about the time he locked up with another LOL, Wresslin' fav, Mr. Kennedy?



Jeff's Greatest Promos

We all know that Jeff Hardy is a madman in the ring, performing stunts to the amazement of all in attendance and watching at home. But he's also a genius on the microphone, and WWE was going to highlight that with this section of the DVD, bringing you some of Jeff's most outstanding work outside the squared circle.

Family brings out the best in us, and when he went toe to toe with his own brother at Wrestlemania 25, Jeff came out on the losing end. Of course, that wasn't the end of the story...



Also, not surprisingly, Hardy knows how to handle himself around the ladies!



Jeff didn't do all his best work at WWE either, and being confident in themselves, they're willing to show you a little of his performances with other promotions...

Seems somebody has been reading LOL, Wresslin'!

Photo Gallery

Not all gold can be contained in video form, so WWE was going to include some of the more rare pictures from Jeff's career.



Bonus Footage

You can't have a DVD without an Easter Egg hidden somewhere, and this one's a doozie!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Extreme Exodus

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

Lightning round because I'm busy and it's LABOR DAY!

So a bunch of stuff happened on Smackdown, but truth be told, most of it wasn't important. The only thing that really happened was CM Punk taunted Jeff Hardy about his world title victory over at Summerslam.


Jeff Hardy didn't really care too much.


But you know who did care? GM Teddy Long, who had it up to here with their constant fighting, and made a cage match with both their careers on the line.

Seriously Teddy, throwing them in a cage a few days after a TLC is pretty dick. If there were a union you better be sure they'd of filed an injunction.

Anyway, a bunch of cage match things happened.

Seriously Jeff, you have the leverage. The match should have been won there.

And now you have gravity too! How were you pulled back in?

Falling off the cage of a Swanton? You decide.

OH MY GOD HIS BACK IS BROKEN!!!!

Seems like you could have just gone out the door...

Sorry for the half assed Smackdown recap.


Maybe I'll do better next week? Couldn't be hard. I guess I'll have to watch MyNetwork TV at 8 to find out. Or go to hulu.com sometime this week!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Summerfestivites

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

There's a school of thought that the first match of the night should be a very hot match. It should get the crowd off their hands and set the tone for the entire night. Now would a DX pop have been a good way to open the show? Sure, why not? But it didn't. WWE decided to open their second biggest PPV of the year with a title match from Smackdown.

And why not? Smackdown is awesome. So for the second straight PPV, Dolph Ziggler (who states that he is perfection) took on Rey Mysterio for the Intercontinental title! And this was a very different match then the one that took place at Night of Champions. For starters, Ziggler got in some offense.

Ummm...kinda.

And he actually learned a few things from last time too!

"Oh! Avoiding the telegraphed move is how you block it! Duh!"

OWWW! BELLY FLOP!

Alas, it wasn't meant to be, as Ziggler did not plan for the dreaded Hurricanrana!

How could anyone fail the Wellness policy when they feel so good at that moment?

Also, WWE character development writers are stupid.

Cocky heel from Hollywood is fine...but Hollywood, FL? Really? Well, Billy Mitchel is from there, and he's a giant heel...

Cryme Tyme got their tag title shot against Chris Jericho and Fat Justin Credible.

It's really uncanney.

Cryme Tyme did the best they could, but the match was really never in doubt.

You tapped out to that weak finisher? Bring back the Liontamer!

The Great Khali and KANE had a real zzzzzzzzzzzzzz



Still, all that above stuff? Bullshit. This is right here is what we came here for. Jeff Hardy defends his world title against CM Punk in a Tables, Ladders, and Chairs match.

However, before that, WWE.com writers are stupid.

They aren't twins or even related, so of course they will be "different" men. DUH!

So since DX decided that their intro needed to be a 20 minute act of war, Punk and Hardy needed to rush through their main event to make time. So the ladders came into play about...a minute into the match. But you know (tm) what? It just made things more awesome.

Pfft..wrestling's fake.

Bunch of pansies. That ladder is made of cotton candy and pillows.

Also..who wants to wrestle in the ring WHEN YOU CAN JUMP OUT ONTO CONCRETE?!!??!


Or, I dunno, chair someone in the head on the announce table, climb a ladder as high as Mick Foley's Hell in a Cell bump, and...well it's the announce table so you know what's going to happen.








Quick Punk! Now that he's on a stretcher! The match is yours!

"This is as high as you get!"

Oh yea Jeff? Well it doesn't matter anyway! Punk wins the ladder match. Clean, mind you. Or at least as clean as a TLC match can be. Something you surely will never know about.

And now, in the spirit of great web comics, here is a retelling of Summerslam's final moments.










Now what exactly does Undertaker have against a clean lifestyle? I guess we'll find out later tonight! I don't know what time because the Yankees are on My9, but it's raining, so who knows?! But it'll be on hulu.com eventually!