W.W.W. featuring Raw Invading Smackdown and Raven/Kanyon

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so the million "Ric Flair, leave the memories alone!" music videos a'int gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- Raw Invades Smackdown



Adam's response...

First off, Matt, you're a dick. A huge dick. Here I thought we ended the pettiness that is Smackdown vs Raw 2009. I thought we agreed that Smackdown was clearly superior and we would move on, concentrate our efforts on Blog War 09, and then make fun of Ring of Honor or something.
But no, you need to show me an example of awful Smackdown booking and some losers just destroying the ever loving crap out of the blue show. Way to show solidarity, ass.

Click to embiggen

Anyway, let's get into this awfulness. WWE chose to commemorate the one year anniversary of 9/11 by committing a crime and having marriage between two people of the same sex. I'm not taking a moral stance on gay marriage either way, but it was not legal in this country at that particular point in time. Unless this Smackdown was in Boston or Rhode Island or something. That I don't know. If that was the case then I retract my entire argument.


Side note: What was I doing on the one year anniversary of 9/11? I was in an 8 AM media studies class. It was my second week of college, which was in Washington, DC. My professor took a moment to see if anyone wanted to talk about anything since it was 9/11's birthday and all. No one said a word. My professor continued "9/11 will always be very personal for me, since my father died on 9/11." Obviously, everyone felt awful, assuming her father worked in the towers. She then continued, "He lived in Florida. He was so distraught over what happened that he went for a walk and was eaten by an alligator. It made the AP the next day." Yes, since this was a media class, that little detail was important. Asshole me is snickering in the front row. I got an A-.

So if you read Eric Bischoff's twitter, you'll know he's a rather staunch Republican. Thus, I can understand why he would impersonate a minister just to ruin two gays' wedding. You know Billy Gunn is a gay because his cummerbund said "BILLY" on it. But seriously, do you have to hold back Stephanie McMahon when Three Minute Warning hit the ring? It's not like she's going mount the comeback, especially since Rico turned on Billy and Chuck.

On the topic of Rico, he turned for no reason. None. And it's not like he changed his gimmick when he became 3MW's manager either. Because two gang banger's just love to hang out with a flamboyantly homosexual stylist. They go together like chocolate and peanut butter. You know what though? Maybe Rico liked the challenge. If anyone needed a stylist it would be Rosey and Jamal, wearing giant football jerseys everywhere they go. I see Rosey's number was 3, which makes sense, given the team name and all, but why exactly is Jamal wearing a personalized #27 Tennessee Titans jersey?

Maybe he's like..nine Roseys?

Oh well, he eventually left civilization and came back as Umaga. I wonder what his passport says?

So yea, that's pretty much it. Oh wait, Edge, Rey Mysterio, and John Cena chase everyone off. Yup, three future world champions vs Rico and Three Minute Warning. Overcompensating a bit there, SD!?


Adam's video to Matt - Raven reveals his act to Kanyon



Matt's response...

It's easy to get a little blinded by something new and shiny, which tends to push the old things out of your memory. We tend to ascribe more weight to things we've just seen and look at the others as if there were just a pile of broken toys, no longer useful to us. I understand this completely.

And even though I know it's part of our nature to do so, I think this is best thing I've seen as part of this column. Made all the more impressive by the fact that I am neither a Raven nor a Kanyon fan. I don't dislike them. I just don't care about them. But I don't think you have to like them to enjoy this skit.

I don't even know what to write, other than list all the things that are awesome about this. Here's all the things that make me love it:

• Breaking the fourth wall
• Ferrari
• Bags of money
• Raven and Kanyon in a fancy store, with dance music
• "What a mark."
• Kanyon in the dressing room (lol, but I'm totally not gay)
• Getting in a car without using doors
• "Hold my money, Kanyon." "Yep."

Since I can't seem to find anything to say that would make this video better, I'll delve into the comments left on YouTube. A small minority seem to share the same opinion that I do, but otherwise there are two main threads working in the user commentary: this ruins Raven's character, and Kanyon is gay.

The first one can only be proffered by misanthropes and sad sacks who found comfort in Raven's depressed and moody persona. Of course they think it ruined his character. That Raven was their hero. Who is this douche? Riding in fancy cars, carrying bundles of cash, buying nice clothes. Raven, we barely know you anymore.

Despite the fact that the man known as Raven played several characters of this sort before he assumed that particular character, I can't see how this ruins anything. Then again, I don't really care, so maybe I can just appreciate the humor. But at least it's far more interesting than Kanyon pulling up to Raven's crack house.

As far as Kanyon being gay? Well, you can imagine where the internet fools are taking that one, but come on folks...

Could you not tell?

Makes you think twice about Kanyon coming down the stairs, tucking in his shirt.

OH BABY, I like it RAW! the REAL Road to Wrestlemania

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Contrary to what other posts on this website my have you believe, the road to Wrestlemania begins here on RAW! Last week was the first show after the Rumble, so let's see who's hot and, more importantly, who's not.

The winner of the 2009 Royal Rumble, Randy Orton, comes out first with Cody Rhodes, Teddy Jr., and three other guys in suits, i.e. not wrestlers. Everyone expects Randy to get fired for what he did to Mr. McMahon, which was to take him off TV again with another life-threatening injury, but Orton has a plan for that. A good ol' fashioned, American lawsuit!

This is the most explanatory picture I could find.

Yep, we've grown up a bit around here on Raw. We don't solve things with our fists anymore. That would be barbaric and courageous. No, we hide behind lawyers and half-cocked medical diagnoses. Like what, you ask? Well, how about IED?


No no no, not that. It stands for Intermittent Explosive Disorder, and Randy apparently has it. It means occasionally you blow up and kick your boss in the head. Hey, I'm not a doctor; that's what they told me.

"You also have Largely Occasional Lupus."

Now, I'm not saying this is a made-up disease, because apparently it's not. Allow me to quote you some of the symptoms:

Road rage. Domestic abuse. Angry outbursts or temper tantrums that involve throwing or breaking objects.

I don't normally like to paint in broad strokes, but tell me how that doesn't characterize every performer in the WWE. I'm pretty sure every man, woman and midget in that locker room has this disease.

So Orton says that if the WWE fires him for what happened, he going to sue them because of his disability. And he'll also sue because he's owed a title shot at Wrestlemania. I guess that means he keeps his job.

Miz and Morrison retain their titles. Big deal. I don't even know which show they hold the titles for anymore. Kofi Kingston beat Kane to advance to the Elimination Chamber match, proving once again that dudes from Jamaica can do anything.

S.O.S.

Jericho responded to the challenge from actor Mickey Rourke, but that sort of doesn't matter anymore since Rourke's people said that wasn't going to happen. I guess a little tough talk is all that was needed.

Mr. Cena faced off with the man who almost cost him the title, Shawn Michaels. Beofre the match, JBL was not pleased that Shawn would superkick him when he's supposed to be helping him win the belt. HBK explained it was all part of the plan, and JBL seemed alright with that. This is a qualifying match for the elimination chamber, to which you may ask, "Well, Cena's the champ, so should he be automatically qualified?"

Yes, yes he should be. So this isn't a match for him to get in; it must just be for Michaels. Well, not quite right. Apparently HBK is wrestling on JBL's behalf. There's just no way this can go wrong.

L-R: "ARGH!" "Hunh??" "RAAWR!!" "Whuh?"

Naturally, Cena knocks JBL into Michaels while he was on the top rope, giving Cena the opportunity to hit the FU and win the match. JBL was not pleased. How is Shawn ever going to avoid bankruptcy now?!

There was a Divas tag match. Beth Phoenix and Jillian Hall won. Let's just cut to the gravy.

Sleepy time.

Rey Mysterio beat William Regal to qualify for the Chamber. I'm sure he's got a good chance of winning.

I was mentioning before I saw the show how great I thought a Jericho/C.M. Punk match would be. I mean, that's PPV quality right there! Imagine my surprise when they faced off in another qualifying match. Oh man, they're gonna give this one away on free TV?? This should be one great night!

Did I mention it lasted three minutes?

And it's over.

Jericho won.

And much like that match, this recap is over way too soon! Oh wait, Shane McMahon confronted Orton. Well, he doesn't stand much of a ch-


Whaaaaat?? Find out how a business man managed to beat up the dude who won the Royal Rumble, tonight at 9/8c on USA!

OH BABY, I like it RAW! vol. 8

SEASONS BEATINGS!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



'Twas the night after Survivor Series and all through Rhode Isle, the Raw fans were leaping and all sporting smiles.

Whatever, I'm not a poet. I write for the internet - what more do you want from me?

So yeah, Raw emanated from Providence last week, and it started with a bang. Not literally, since they decided to forego the usual fireworks and intro in place of Shane McMahon. Good call.

Shane comes out and says that there are two wrestlers with rematch clauses in their contracts that gives them each an equal claim as the Number 1 Contender. My, this is certainly a pickle you've gotten yourself into. How will you ever solve it?

Oh right.

So Jericho and Batista are going to face off in a match that will determine who faces Mr. Cena at Armageddon. But wait! Who's this coming out? She's all grown up!


It's Stephanie McMahon Levesque Hurst Helmsly!! And she says that Randy Orton has an equal claim to being the one to fight Mr. Cena!

Uh, why?

"Perhaps this will sway you..."

Orton's been injured for months and he can just walk back on and have an equal right to a championship match as two people who have it in their contracts? That makes about as much sense as kicking someone off a wrestling show for being injured, only to allow them to come back on the show when you find out they really weren't injured in the first place! Oh. Wait.

And yes, I will refer you to an article we posted directly before this one.

So that happens, which doesn't sit well with Shane. And then Stephanie informs him that he can trot on back to WWE Towers, because she'll be running the show. Shane says she'll run it into the ground. Stephanie responds with "Nuh uh," we believe, and that's about it.

Oh, and Shane asked if she was going to sleep with another wrestler so she could have a new husband. That went over well.

"Thank you for the kind words, my dear brother."

During the next match with Michaels and Mysterio versus the Miz and Morrison, JBL decides to bring his limo down to the ring and get a good look at the action. Because on Raw, it makes sense that anyone should be able to drive a vehicle to the ring anytime they feel like it. After the good guys win, the bad guys jump them! Heels!!! Booo!!!

Not one to sit out a mediocre fight, JBL gets in the ring and does what any top heel would do when the guy you've been having words with is being pummeled in the ring - he kicks John Morrison! Wait a minute? You weren't supposed to do that! What gives?

Bradshaw explains it afterward by saying that he made Shawn an offer earlier that morning, and this was just a gesture of good faith that Michaels will make the right decision. Oh, ok. Glad that's clear.


Mr. Kennedy appeared and said he was out asking which superstar President-Elect Barack Obama most resembles. Some of the names on the list: Shelton Benjamin, Kofi Kingston, Cryme Tyme, and MVP. We wonder why.

Also included was Randy Orton. Again, we wonder why.

Now we have the Triple Threat match. There's been a lot of these going around. Looks like the writers have been spending a little too much time together. Jericho won it, so he's the Number 1 Contender this week, but I'm sure that will change. Here's where, for once, I'm going to take issue with the way WWE plans out their matches. During the match, we have Randy Orton doing his little "I'm stalking you" crawl around the ring, just about to hit the RKO on Jericho OUT OF NOWHERE. While Y2J's back is still turned, we're treated to a commercial break.

Coming back, Batista and Jericho are fighting in the ring. What happened? Well, two seconds after the break, the Animal pulled Orton from the ring onto the floor. Now, obviously I'm no television expert, but couldn't you have waited to break until after that? It seems like the more reasonable place to pause for a message from the fine sponsors of WWE programming, than at a moment where the match could possibly end during the commercials. It didn't, but have a little respect. Come now. We're better than that.

Goldust came back (one "d"? Seriously?) He and Santino squared off to see who could be the hammiest inside the ring. Goldust won.


There was a six-Diva tag match. Not much to say about this one other than WHERE WAS KELLY KELLY? Oh well...no matter.

I'll take the one with his hands up.

Finally:


And Mr. Cena will be here tonight, 9/8c on USA!

OH BABY, I like it RAW! the MIKE KNOX edition!!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please click play and enjoy...



RAW IS JERICHO!!!11!1 OOOO YEAAAAHHHH!!! The king is back on top. The lion in his jungle, all is right with the world. What could this week possibly bring? Well, let's find out.

Oh, no surprise we have "the Animal" Batista demanding rematch. I'm sure the GM will come right down and approve this ma--oh wait, we don't have a GM anymore!! Who is calling the shots around here?? Are the patients going to run the asylum??

Well, of course not. This isn't the Wild West, and even though the show is in England last week, the long arm of the McMahon's can still reach across the pond. Via satellite. Yeah, Steph can't be bothered to hop the flight with the rest of them and is simply watching things go down from WWE Tower.

Sorry, Steph. Had to.

She says no, Batista will not be getting a title shot tonight. He can have his rematch later. Of course, not wanting to go a segment without being on the show, Randy Orton has something to say about that. Orton says Batista doesn't deserve a title shot, that he was the best one from Evolution. Well, disagreement being the heart of debate, Batista says that's not true and he was the best one from Evolution. Listen, you both make a convincing argument, seeing as it's the same one. I guess we're going to have to go to the visual evidence to sort this one out.

This?

Or THIS?!

They agree to have a match. Also fighting tonight are Jericho and Shawn Michaels FOR THE TENTH TIME EVER! This one apparently is the end the feud. Funny, I thought that feud was over a long time ago. I guess maybe there's been some backstage hijinks since then.

"Alright, Shawn, where'd you hide my pants while I was in the shower?"

Santino said he was now going to out-reign not just the Honky Tonk Man, but also Mr. Perfect and The Mountie as IC Champ. Well, good luck on all that since you lost to William Regal in less than a minute. Guess the Honk-a-Perfect-Mountie-Meter goes back to "zero."

Now that we've got all the bullcrap out of the way. It's time for the main event, and the show isn't even close to over. D'Lo Brown versus MIKE MOTHERF--KING KNOX. As far as I'm concerned, this is terrible booking, because I'm tuning over to the Food Network after this. A match this great is sure to stir up an appetite. Oh, I haven't seen Mike Knox in a while, not caring enough to flip over to ECW, so this should be a real joy to see what he's been up---OMG KILL IT KILL IT!!!


Seriously, not to overuse initials here, but WTF?? You know (tm), now that you work on a show with your ex-girlfriend, you'd think you'd want to show off a little bit. Show how you've got your things together and life's been pretty great even without her. Not come to work looking like you just found your way out of cardboard box.


And since I vaguely referenced Kelly Kelly a moment ago, I must oblige...

Why don't you love me??

Rey beat Kane, and it was a pretty good match, but I'm really starting not to care about them, and when I say "starting to" I mean "stopped caring a year ago." How many more times are we going to have to wonder how the smallest guy on the roster will beat one of the biggest guys on the roster? Oh my goodness. It's such a mismatch. This shouldn't be possible. What will Rey ever do to survive....and....end sarcasm.


Next, the WWE pulls a bait-and-switch, and not even a fancy one. Remember how I told you that Orton and Batista were going to fight? Well, that's right, provided we define "Orton" in this sentence to mean "Cody Rhodes." Honestly, both Batista and Orton come out, and the Code-man comes out and says "No, I'm going to fight Batista," and Randy just walks out of the ring. That works? Because I've been going about dating married chicks all the wrong way.

Cody gets squashed.


Way to walk the walk there, Codes.

Finally, we have a Last Man Standing match with Jericho and Michaels. A lot of back-and-forth with this one and a good match to end the show on.

OUT OF NOWHERE!!!!!

But JBL had to stick his fat ass into this and blast Michaels with a chair. I'm pretty sure he was not very happy about that when he came to, and unfortunately, it didn't seem to settle anything between Jericho and HBK like Stephanie wanted it to at the beginning of the show. Funny how letting anyone who wishes to interfere in a match do so seems to muddy the competitive waters a bit. If they only had a way to isolate the wrestlers so there was no possible means for anyone to get into the ring ....nah, that would be HELL to come up with.

Alright, see what Jericho's second week as top dog brings tonight at 9/8c on the only network for wrestling fans - USA!