R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Stunned Contendors

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

This Sunday is TNA's Genesis PPV. How does this relate to Smackdown? IT DOESN'T! Don't worry about how fat Scott Hall is, because there's some smack to down? Are you ready?

First up was "Team Black Guys in Jeans" vs "Team White Canadians in Underwear" in a six-man tag. And it was pretty good!

(l-r) can't dunk, can dunk

Of course, this is a match MONTHS in the making. Jericho previously feuded with Cryme Tyme over the summer (Shad even picked up a singles win) and the CT are currently feuding with the Harts. And R-Truth..well he's a black guy...so he's there too! Of course that doesn't mean the interns are allowed to mail it in.

Ahem, interns. When the knee is in the back, it is called the "Liontamer." No knee is the Walls. DUH!

That was enough for the win. Even the interns can't shy away from the greatness of the winners.



Wow, did all that training in the Hart Dungeon really pay off? Really?

Yea, I went there. Get over it.

Sometimes wrestling can get a little talky. That time is when CM Punk comes out. Usually he just speaks about how great he is, but today he was talking about how great you can be. Or more specifically, some kid from s>developmental the audience.

Just kiss and get it over with already!

The kid decided to pledge his life to straight edge and that entailed shaving his head. Yes, the most embarrassing thing anyone can ever do in wrestling! Losing hair! Unless of course your Stone Cold Steve Austin, Goldberg, The Rock, Randy Orton, or any other successful person who is bald. But hey, you can tell Hogan and Michaels aren't happy about losing their hair!

I hope they didn't offer you a call up for this, dude. Because soon you'll be released AND be bald.

A gentleman's hairdo

Also, Luke Gallows was with Punk and he decided to hang out afterwards and wrestle Matt Hardy. The interns could hardly contain their excitement.

Should that be capitalized?

Anyone else see the irony in the fact that Matt's brother (known drug user/ possible felon Jeff Hardy) signed with WWE's main competitor, TNA, and now Matt is being beaten up by the wrestlers who don't do any drugs.

Get used to eating leather, Matty. Soon that's about the quality of meat you'll have to buy when they release you for Jeff's indiscretions.

Finally, last week (two weeks ago!) Rey Mysterio cost Batista a world title match in the beat the clock challenge. Thus, the two of them would have to fuck fight for their right to wrestle the Undertaker at the Royal Rumble. This match was so awesome that even the interns were on the top of their game.

Ok, that was a good one.

That's not to say that everything was spot on.

Yea...sometimes wrestling is fake...

This match went through numerous powerbomb and phone call related spots until just about the 10 o'clock hour when ALL OF A SUDDEN THE UNDERTAKER HIT A GONG AND TURNED ON A SMOKE MACHINE! WHY? NO IDEA!

Something strange going on!?! OH NO! Must be a no contest!

Yes, so we're going for this match one more time. Batista/Rey Mysterio...IN A CAGE! TRY AND CAGE TEH ANIMALE!!!



Watch Smackdown tonight to forget about the British Invasion being dropped down the card! It's a 8/7 central! On one of those Network Channels. Or some whenever over on hulu.com (if you can get past all the Conan drama)!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Time to Rumble

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

It's 2010 here on Smackdown! Everyone's hung over and can't put much thought into what to do! Let's phone it in and have a Beat the Clock challenge all show.

Yes, what is a more objective and fair way to determine a number one contender then by having a series of matches and the fastest match is the winner of the slot? Oh, you mean any other way? Yes, that would be fairer, but this is what we got.

Although in fairness, they did finally put logic into play and make it open to all the competitors in the matches, not just the four main eventers. Anyway, our first match had former World Champion CM Punk taking on the brother of a TNA main eventer/ future felon, Matt Hardy!

Enjoy the last offense you'll ever get, Jobby.

In case you don't know the rules of the Beat the Clock challenge, allow the interns of WWE.com to enlighten you:

Way to explain the rules on slide #11. And with a picture of a time consuming rest hold, no less.

Of course, one guy is an example of a drug free industry and one guy routinely pisses off management with his antics. And his brother totally burned WWE. So take one guess how this one played out.

Get used to being tea bagged/shit on for the rest of your career, Angelic Diablo.

On a side note: Jeff Hardy will take a job just to get Shannon Moore a job in TNA, but he won't think about the repercussions on his own brother?

To break up the clock action, John Morrison got his rematch with Drew McIntyre for the Intercontinental championship! High flying kicks abound!


These two have been feuding ever since Vince McMahon anointed McIntyre a "future champion", and neither have taken a break from it for the last few months. Don't believe me? Check in with the interns.

Yea, no one watches Superstars

So somehow Morrison got disqualified in the match, giving McIntyre the win, ergo ending the feud, right? Champion successfully defends in the rematch, time to move on. Maybe Mike Knox (OMG!!!) deserves a shot at championship gold? Wait, what's this?

The face throws a temper tantrum?

Oh, that makes sense. Total sense.

Back to the clock! If you ever are scratching your head on what match to throw in the middle of the show, just putting Chris Jericho and Rey Mysterio in the ring is never a bad idea. The two of them bring the best out of each other, possibly due to all those Hart Dungeon training sessions Rey snuck into from El Undergroundo Railrodeo to el Canadas (I could have possibly made that up). Normally, their matches are technically sound and fast, but this time Jericho decided to go the complete opposite way and do his Lex Luger impression!


Which is really poor, because this is a far more accurate Luger impression.


Anyway, the interns show their stupidity again and Rey Mysterio won.

For the last time: 619 is just an area code. You can't call anyone just by dialing "619." Stop with the phone cracks.

This time BEAT CM PUNK's time by one measly second! WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT?!!?

All this talk about CM Punk and clocks is giving me a raging boner. I really gotta nut. Oh, I know how to take care of that. A Divas match! Beth Phoenix and Mickie James wrestled to see who will be the #1 contender for Michelle McCool's Women's championship! And she was at ringside being all pro-Phoenix with her best gal pal, Layla. They go by the name "Team Lay-Cool" which makes sense, but is an ultimately terrible and worthless name.

Those legs make everything ok though

This lead to Mickie getting the win. The Glamazon did not appreciate this and begging to beat the holy hell out of Michelle McCool while Mickie proved what an insecure fatty she is by going into a fat rage against Layla.




Yea, that happened too. Oh well, send us out on a high note, boys.

"Piggie James <3 Food" is a brilliant slogan

In our final clock match, R-Truth took on TEH ANIMALE!!!, Batista. Disappoint me again, interns.

What gave you that idea, interns? Was it how his shirt says "WHAT'S UP!"? Or how his song is just the words "What's up?!" over and over again? Or maybe how he says "What's up!?" every time he gets on the mic. Seriously interns, I expected better.

This match was marred by Rey Mysterio hanging out at ringside and a Divas grade of offense.


Still, the unearthed fury of an animal walking alone into a pit of danger was too much for Mr. Truth, as he spine was LITERALLY busted.


That's it! Batista/Undertaker for the title at the Rumble! I can't wait! What's this?!

Rey Mysterio: Best heel in the game

Rey Mysterio..cheated!?!? What's up with the faces acting like d-bags?! Where is your honor, Rey Rey? Who would ever of thought that a man named Mysterio would have shady motives? Something must be done!


Oh thank heavens! Vickie Guerrero won't let this stand. So we'll have another #1 contenders match, tonight! Batista and Rey! Where? MyNetworkTV! When? 8/7c! Or whenever over at hulu.com!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Photo essay

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

The following is last week's Smackdown done entirely in pictures (and a few jokes thrown in for good measure!)

Eight Man Tag- R-Truth/Finlay/Matt Hardy/John Morrison vs CM Punk/Dolph Ziggler/Luke Gallows/Drew McIntyre

That's Dolph Ziggler on the right

That's Dolph Ziggler getting pinned (as he's wont to do)

(l-r) Chest hair, fat, tummy ache

World Title Match- Rey Mysterio vs The Undertaker

He walked alone for miles to get into that pit of Undertaker

I'm sure that'll be enough, ref.

Unified Tag Team Title Match- The Hart Dynasty vs DX (or how I learned to love the WWE.com interns forever)

In case there was every any doubt that this Monday's Raw had anything to do with the Hart Dynasty's recent push...

That's the usual scientific method for debunking theories

The Anvil is a known DX deterrent

First Hulk Hogan joins TNA, now we have months of "Hart" puns. Lord, will we ever run out of things to write about?

It's funny because Shawn is a Born Again...

Photo 26: Dynasty on the offensive..

Photo 27: DX wins. Also, if it was so awesome, HOW ABOUT SHOWING US, INTERNS?!?!

If I picture is worth a thousand words, than you just got a 15,000 word article! Lucky you!

Smackdown. Tonight 8/7c. MyNetwork TV. Or if you're like me and live in a Time Warner building, you're probably going to lose that channel, so watch it on Hulu.com!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Survival of the Fittest

SEASON'S BEATINGS!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm not working on my usual computer today. Thanksgiving and all. So we're going to try something novel. I'm going to be funny without my usual crutch of racist/dick pictures. Be thankful I'm even still doing this, you sycophantic hypocrites.

Bad friend Rey Mysterio got what he deserved as hometown boy Dave "The Animal" Batista just took him out back and whooped him bad. As a former resident of the District of Columbia, I can tell you the most intimate details of this bludgeoning. After the match, Rey was stretchered off into a ambulance and taken to the George Washington University Hospital on 24th and I St NW. The hospital of the President! Once Rey was resting peacefully, the Animal burst in and started brawling again! They brawled around the Washington Circle all the way down M St! They went down Wisconsin Ave and left The Gap there in shambles! They turned right onto Dumbarton, stepped into Big Planet Comics, bought Absolute The New Frontier and then went across the street to the ORIGINAL Five Guys! It's the only one that serves beer! They then ate peanuts and threw the shells on the floor, ate some fries with Old Bay spice, laughed and read comics, and then started fighting again! They went back to Wisconsin, back down M, back to the Washington Circle, got on Pennsylvania Ave, and eventually destroyed the White House!

Five star match!

A bunch of Divas had a match and I just felt sad that they have a job that requires low self esteem. Thankfully, the "fat" Mickie James and "Hispanic" Melina overcame their white oppressors and survived this series!

Finally, a tag team took on the Undertaker for his world title. How will the Undertaker hold his own!? Oh wait, it's a triple threat match! Will the tag team fight each other for a chance at singles glory?

Yes. Yes they did.

Proving there is no honor amongst thieves, our paragon of virtue, Chris Jericho, turned on his tag partner and tried to win the title. Since Jericho exists to put other people over, this attempt was unsuccessful. The Undertaker then made The Big Show tap out, so the 50 year old man with one hip and a ridiculous gimmick once again represents the company. Yes, the man who has such tenure that he no longer needs to go on the road and is so injury prone that he can not perform at the level he's previously established he could, is now responsible for house show attendance and television ratings, despite not being able to appear at both. All this defying conventional wisdom that "the money is in the face chasing the heel."

Brilliant.

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Destruction before Survival

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

It seems like I say this every couple weeks, but there's a show that you must pay for each viewing coming up this Sunday. This one isn't stupid though. Nope. It's one of the important ones! Survivor Series, where a lot of workers get a PPV bonus because of all the huge tag matches!

However, we must first talk about last week's Smackdown. It took place over in some rainy island that lost its empire. I'm pretty sure Ray over at Wrestlegasm was popping a major girl boner for her one chance to see CM Punk. Lucky for us, he didn't do much in last week on Smackdown, so we can talk about more pleasant things.

Like Mickie James.

Veteran"? Isn't that just code for "old"? It seems as if Mickie has heat with the interns of WWE.com too.

She wrestled Natayla, who is not remotely involved in Survivor Series. As such, you'd expect her to get her butt trounced, but no! Mean girls Michelle McCool and Layla decided to cut up Mickie James sparkle jeans! Natayla then locked in the sharpshooter, the move Shawn Michaels used to screw her uncle Bret out of the WWF Title at Survivor Series 1997.

Side note from the "Where are they know?" files: Did you know that Bret Hart eventually suffered a stroke?

Girls only care about clothes, lulz.

In other Ray boner news, WWE decided to split the crowd reaction and have two dudes from the UK fight. Scottish (right?) Drew McIntyre took on Irish (right?) Finlay in a fight of Twister level of epicness.

"Our beer is better, chap!"

Anyway, these two went so hog wild on each other's bodies that the referee ejaculated lost control and just disqualified both men. You know (tm), for a "future world champion" Drew McIntyre sure doesn't do much to make himself standup. If he debuted three years earlier he'd be part of the Spirit Squad.

That could have been Drew McIntyre

People love to pity Rey Mysterio, because his friends seem to turn on him all the time. Well you now (tm) what I think? What's the one constant in that equation? Maybe Rey is the problem!? Well, rather then be a rational adult and sort things out or avoid the confrontation, Rey is fighting his former friend Batista (he's bad now) at the Survivor Series. Well, only one way to make this official- contract signing!

Face=black

Heel=white

This contract signing was pretty mundane; no lawyers present, parties only need sign one line and not actually review the document, and no one notarizes it nor is an official witness. Just like when I signed my mortgage! And of course, the parties choose to yell at each other after they sign the document, thereby showing the mutual agreement that they both promised to uphold.

Or "I make a unilateral deal alone!"

And of course, it ends in a fight. Just like they teach you in law school.


The main event was World Champion the Undertaker taking on one half of the Unified Tag Champs, Chris Jericho, in OMG!!!111!!THEFIRSTTIMEEVER!!11!!!11!BBQSHIFT1ONE




Yea, sorry to say it, but this one was a little weak. Who would have thought that a World Champion, responsible for PPV buys, ratings, and being an overall merchandise mover who only has one hip could no longer have awesome matches? Common knowledge would make you believe that you have him put over other talent, elevating them as he slowly declines into poor health, but hey, this is WWE! Why bother planning that far ahead when they can just give away this match with hardly any build?

Oh, and Undertaker goes over in the match and THEN the Big Show interferes so Jericho can get his heat back. Because why have the match end in a no-finish when you can let Jericho job again, thereby leaving little doubt who will win on Sunday?

Step 1 of logical booking

Step 2

Oh, and speaking of heat...KANE!

Step 3: Profit!

There will be a tag match tonight with those four dudes. At least one of them can work! Avert your eyes to MyNetwork TV at 8/7c! Or log into hulu.com before they make you pay!