LOL, Wresslin' Enemy: Good Ol' J.R.

We've never been shy to express our distaste for wrestling announcers. They're an aggravting part of the patina of sports entertainment, and yet it seems that they are necessary. So, apart from making the occasional joke in poor taste, we tend to clench our teeth and bear their inane ramblings and perhaps even be entertained by them on occasion.

But one has just gone way too far.

That one would be Jim Ross, aka Good Ol' J.R., former Smackdown announcer who decided to take a little personal time so he could deal with a Bell's palsy attack. Clearly he doesn't care much about the fans to begin with. Now, though, he's decided to prove it to the world.

Writing on his vastly inferior blog, Ross said "chair shots to the skull should be forbidden in wrestling." He added: "Period. End of story. Bottom line." Ross's concern is with the health of the performer, after recent stories about former WWE wrestler Andrew "Test" Martin having brain damage similar to that of Chris Benoit's from having too many concussions, and the NFL focusing more on head injuries as well. Ross seems to think that the entertainment gleaned from chair shots is not worth the damage accrued.

We strongly disagree.

What's the point of wrestling without chair shots? Seriously. What do you think about when you think about professional wrestling?

Allow us to help.

And you know why you think about that? BECAUSE IT'S GODDAMN AWESOME. Don't believe us. Here's Exhibit B:

GET HIM, BATISTA!! GEEETTTT HIIIIIMMMMMM!!!

Can you possibly imagine what wrestling would be like if there were no more smacks to the dome with a folding chair? What would you even do with chairs if you don't swing them at full force into the unprotected head of a fellow wrestler? Sit on them?

Not so fun. In fact, that's lame.

Wrestling of the future.

The WWE is even having a pay-per-view called TLC, meaning Tables, Ladders and Chairs. Hear that, J.R.? Chairs. Even your own company is willing to put them into the hands of the performers and see what happens, and we all know the answer to that.

Of course, Ross wasn't done talking. He had another point to make:

If one accepts the glory and money one can earn as a successful wrestler in a major company then they should have no issue being a good citizen and living a clean life.

This in response to the constant issue of drug use in professional wrestling, which appears to have claimed the life of another performer before the age of 40. And you know what, we're totally on board with this one. Wrestlers should be drug tested and should be expected to keep themselves healthy and stay off damaging drugs. We certainly agree with that.

You know who doesn't, J.R.? Your boss, Vince Kennedy McMahon. We know that because he recently gave this guy a push...

...based completely on the fact that he's a drug user. That was the whole point. He uses drugs, and people like him, so let's make him one of the company's biggest stars with a storyline about his constant abuse of mind-altering substances.

Lest you forget, it worked.

So you'll please forgive us if we find all this a little disingenuous. Sure you can talk a big talk when you're sitting at home (well, as big as your mouth will allow at this point), but if and when you go back to announcing wrestling, you'll be cheering the chair shots and the druggies just like the rest of us. In fact, you'll be encouraging us to cheer for them, so doesn't that make you part of the problem?

LOL, Wresslin' Cavalcade of Wrestling and LOLing!

Yes, dear readers, it's that time again. Our news fields have grown beyond the strength of our four deft hands, and it's time to clear cut the damn thing so fresh news can grow in its place. It's time for a LOL, Wresslin' news round-up. We do these from time to time when a number of stories crop up and we don't have much to say on any of them, so we throw them all together in one super blog and you think you're getting a boatload of great content! It's a little game we like to play.


First up, we have good ol' J.R., who likes to rattle on from time to time over at his blog, as if he can come anywhere close to what we do over here. But we let him entertain himself.

It's actually a pretty good read every now and then, and he doesn't seem to mind to get down and dirty about the wrestling business. Naturally, we wanted to know what he thought about the hot new pay-per-view "EXTREME RULES!!!!!" (emphasis added, but it should totally be there to begin with.) Imagine our surprise to find out that he's a little trepidatious heading into this Sunday:

It is ridiculous to assume that human beings can wrestle in so many diverse bouts in such extreme circumstances and people not get hurt. I can virtually guarantee you that "Extreme Rules" will see some formerly, able bodied individuals head to the "Injured List" after Sunday night. I hope that I am wrong.

Looks like someone doesn't want to see some blood and guts, do they Jim?


Actually, this should probably be filed next to the story about Ric Flair missing the adoration of the fans in the "Also, the sky is blue" file. Seriously. The word "extreme" is in the title. Of course someone is going to get hurt. Somehow we think that's the point.

Speaking of getting hurt, one person who doesn't need any help in that arena is one Mr. Ken Kennedy, aka Kevin Nash for a New Generation.

Like Pepsi, but with injuries.

Kennedy made a grand return at Raw's big show in Los Angeles, and then promptly got hurt. Hmm, we seem to remember another wrestler doing that exact thing.



So WWE did what most companies would do with a guy who doesn't feel like staying healthy enough to show up at work - they canned his ass. Yes, Mr. Kennedy will no longer be gracing a Raw or Smackdown ring, not that he has in the last year anyway.

But we should disclose that both of us are pretty big Kennedy fans. Allow us transport you back in time to August of 2005, when SummerSlam set up shop in Washington, D.C. Laugh Twin Adam still resided at university, and Laugh Twin Matt had wrangled all the cattle he needed that month, so he took a trip up to the seat of our nation's government to watch a little rasslin'. And the night before, the two sat in Adam's apartment watching Velocity. Yes, this was a Saturday night in a city with a halfway legitimate bar scene. We're that damn cool.

Disregarding our lady-killing powers, we were awarded with the first looks at one Mr. Ken Kennedy, wrestling one of his first matches with the WWE. This dude was solid in the ring, comandeered an announcer's microphone, and said his name twice. We were total marks from day one. We even spent part of the next night's even trying to convince even bigger wrestling fans that they should check out this Kennedy fella. Well, him and Rob Conway.

Damn it, we're gay.

In any case, we hope to see Mr. Kennedy reappear soon somewhere. Please, though, take some time to really get yourself health and make a good run in the business this time.

Maybe stop doing things like this? That's just dangerous, man!

Finally, we have some more Kennedy-related news, as the WWE Champion Randy Orton flips the flip out on some douchey Mexican reporter when he suggested that the leader of Legacy might possibly be soft and injury-prone. If you haven't seen this yet, check out how helpful we are:



Now, certainly this seems to be a work, as we all know that the Randy one is really a sweetheart deep down and just loves having a good time.

Just a rock hard good time.

However, it's naturally concerned enough of you out there to think that Randy might be down in paradise shoving around all the Mexican "journalists" he can find. So much so that it prompted this dude to make a video directing to you a link in his description field that linked to the Orton video.

It makes about as much sense as what we explained.

Just watch it.

So that's a good look around the wrestling world at the moment. Of course, there's always more going on at any point in time, like Chris Jericho's band Fozzy releasing a sample track from their new album, but if anything in that sentence sounded remotely interesting to you, you need to trip off a cliff.

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Judgment has come

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

What is this? What the hell is this? Smackdown has more matches on a PPV then Raw and ECW combined??? How can this be? I always thought that Friday night was the best kept secret in the WWE Universe, but apparently not anymore. So, since you demanded it, here's a lot of Smackdown PPV action!

To open up the show, we had Mr. Money in the Bank, CM Punk, taking on the Samoan Bulldozer, Umaga!



This should be no contest. Seriously, CM Punk is the defacto #1 contender and Umaga is the fattest fat that ever fattted. Umaga is coming back from injury and is rusty, Punk is at the top of his game, this shouldn't even be on PPV. Plus, add in the fact that this show is in Chicago, Punk's hometown! It's not like WWE would ever embarrass one of their top talents in his hometown.

Errr...umm

Ok, so the match pretty much went like this.

Jake Peavy nixxed that trade, by the way.

Also on the undercard was the culmination of the storied three week feud Shelton Benjamin and John Morrison warred. But Shelton didn't come alone. No sir, he brought his old running buddy, Charlie Haas with him! And the team was a symbol of racial harmony!

Black guy wearing yellow, white guy wearing red. Hmm..seems all races are covered.

I know, can you believe it? Charlie haas gotten himself a PPV payday. Unfortunately, that was about all the good news for The World's Greatest Tag Team, as Shaman of Sexy damn near killed himself doing this corkscrew move. Ordinarily, that would lead the doctor calling the match in favor of Shelton, but this is WWE, so somehow the impact hurt Morrison more. And he won, Lord did he win.

Yea, you're going to have neck surgery one day.

What that you say? You want titles? Smackdown's got those too! Star of the show, Chris Jericho (rhymes!) challenged height challenged Intercontinental champion Rey Mysterio. Rey is a one time Intercontinental champion, which puts him only one reign behind Santino Marella and Val Venis in the title's prestigious history! Still, I suppose he needs to lose the title before he can go on a second reign, so I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Anyway, Rey wore a stupid shirt.


Naturally, this match should be another no contest, as Chris Jericho is smarter, better looking, stronger, and just better all around then Rey Mysterio. I mean, he takes bigger craps then Rey Mysterio, that's how tough he is!

He popped a squat just to prove that fact.

Still, it wouldn't be a Rey Mysterio match if the tenacious underdog didn't somehow pull it out. And although Jericho was mostly successfully at blocking the 619, he forgot that Rey does have some other moves.

This made Randy "The Ram" very happy.

And in the main event, the show closer, Jeff Hardy took on Edge for what must be the millionth time for a title. This time it happened to be the World Heavyweight Title, but whatever. Just know that Jeff was a mess and probably will be taking some time off in the next few months.

"Guess what? I'm weird..I mean a free spirit!"

Anyway, these two added a few wrinkles into their epic, grandiose rivalry. For example, Jeff Hardy put the Sharpshooter onto Edge! Because Edge is Canadian!


And then, they decided to get all exxxtreme on us, and fight in the crowd!

You'd figure the fans would be a little concerned for their saftey..

Still, that was not to be, because our fan of the night decided to hit Jeff in the face with his cast. It's hard to see him, but he's there.

It could have been a hallucination, though.

Regardless, that was all that was needed because Edge went on to successfully defend that title.

Now let me get at dem millions...

Yup, so that happened.

PPV over, let's get ready for the next three week build! Tonight, 8/7c on MyNetwork TV!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? A phenomenal entrance

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...

Please ignore the Shawn Michaels and Raw aspects of this.

Yes, the rumors are true. Our beloved color man, The Tazz, has decided to leave the WWE in pursuit of something else. It's a sad day, but we should remember him fondly. We wish him well. Let's all honor his last night on Smackdown by reading this wonderful recap and shedding one tear.


Anyway, Wrestlemania is soon. Like, real soon. And of course there is an giant eight man ladder match on that card, so what better way to build that storyline then have all eight men compete in a tag match of sorts (ooo..the combinations!)? Anyway, it was a clusterF but I think whatever team Kane was on one because he pinned someone or something. Of course, now that the match was over, let's not be adults at all and just start fighting because WHO CAN WAIT FOR APRIL 5TH WHEN WE CAN JUST GET IT ON RIGHT NOW, BROTHERS!!!??? Of course, while all those dopes fight it our, Christian (did we ever mention he returned?) decided to climb the ladder and point at the brief case for some reason. Because that will end well.

Greatest file name ever

Let's really hope this doesn't happen.

In blood feud news, Matt Hardy decided to get ready for his big match against his brother Jeff by wrestling R-Truth. That somehow makes sense. Anyway, it was funny because their tights are nearly identical.

There's only one way to tell them apart...

...R-Truth has "WHAT'S UP" written on his back

Of course, that one little difference is all the swing Matt needed, as he picked up the win. Makes sense, considering how R-Truth isn't good enough to be anything more then a lumberjack in the tag title unification match.


Of course, Smackdown is not all brutes and savages. No, the fairer sex also gets more then enough time to show their stuff.

And you know what I mean by "stuff"

Their lady parts. When I said "stuff" I was referring to their lady parts.

Anyway, it may be a secret, but I have a bit of a crush on Michelle McCool. So clearly I was excited (and I mean sexcited) that she was about to beat Maryse and reclaim her Divas title, putting her on the winning streak she'd need to be crowned Miss Wrestlemania at the big battle royal! And she was totally going to win until a certain raven haired vixen came out of nowhere to attack her! She was lightning quick and could in no way be detected!

Err...ummm

And she didn't just stop at McCool. She also attacked the solid 8.5 that is Maryse!

I swear, that somehow hurt Maryse. Don't ask me how. It just did.

Who could have seen this coming?? It was so random! Why was her music ready to go as soon as the attack was over?

Finally, the most anticipated match at Mania may very well be the interbrand Shawn Michaels/Undertaker match. Unbelievably, Michaels may be winning the psychological war here. That is, until Taker does one of his patented evil sacrifices.

Something about this is a little off kilter...

Did the Undertaker shrink?

Wait...that's not black! That's not evil! It's Shawn Michaels?!!? And he's reading Bible verses! But that's Undertaker Kryptonite! That could send him all the way to Hell!

"Curses! He didn't take this lying down!"

Yea! Smackdown! Chokeslam him down to Hell, Taker!

"Haha! Not today, dead man! I'm too wily for you!"

Ok..you won this round, Heartbreak Kid. Don't get cocky. You'll have to be at your best to even challenge "The Streak." And no, that's not an allusion to this.

Say goodbye to Tazz in style! 8/7c TazzNetwork TazzV!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? vol. 21

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

Perhaps I was a little hasty to proclaim that the WWE hates Smackdown fans last week. Truth is, the show's kind of engaging. Especially since Wrestlemania is on the horizon! So let's go over the positives right now.

1) Two champions.

As stated in previous recaps, Edge lost his WWE title at No Way Out. HHH won it. So he's the current champ. But then, Edge, being the ultimate opportunist, finagled his way into the World title match, and won! Thereby Smackdown has all the big gold, and everyone on raw is chasing CM Punk.


2) Michelle McCool and Maryse are fine pieces.

Gentlemen, set your boners on cum.

3) The Undertaker.

There's no denying that the Deadman is one of the more engaging personalities to grace a WWE ring. He's a first ballot hall of famer and his undefeated streak at Wrestlemania is unparalleled. So naturally, when Mania comes around the Phenom get's even more attention as numerous wrestlers try in vain to be his one Wrestlemania blemish. Which brings us to his possible opponent.

Hate to spoil Matt's Raw recap, but Shawn Michaels and JBL are having a little skirmish to see who get's the honor of losing to 'Taker in Houston this year. I think both men have a fantastic shot of giving us a great match and I can't wait to see this inter-brand clash of ti-



Again? What?

We're still working on perfecting this....

I see. In other news, MVP has a winning streak! I know! He just recently had a losing streak! What a turn of events! He was set for an all ethnic tag match as he teamed with R-Truth to take on Chavo Guerrero and Shelton Benjamin! But, there's been a development! Chavo and Shelton attacked R-Truth during his ring entrance, so rather then disqualify the two of them for committing assault, the ref let's it continue as a handicap match! Why don't more teams do this? Still, against tremendous odds (2-1 to be exact), MVP somehow pulled off the upset.

That's where the proof is.

I don't know why Matt didn't mention this, but Raw last week didn't end with Shane McMahon being carted off on a stretcher. No, it ended with Randy Orton booting Stephanie McMahon in the head. For some reason Jim Ross interviewed HHH about this. I mean, I know he and Stephanie were married for a few years back in the early 2000's, but they got a divorce! And he embarrasses her every chance he gets. Don't get me wrong, I love cheering HHH (at least this week LOL), but even I can't condone him making fun of Stephanie after getting kicked by that one eyed snake, Orton!



Wha??? Huh? Vince McMahon is his fa-fa-father in law??? Stephanie is the mother of his children? HHH and Stephanie are married? I'm so confused!

Finally, Jeff Hardy interrupted Edge's title celebration to complain about how he was given a rematch in the elimination chamber. Not exactly fair ("I was locked in Guerrero's Elimination Chamber" were his exact words I believe). And by complain Jeff meant "I'll make fun of your wife and hit you with a Twist of Fate." On Earth-53 this solves all problems as Jeff took on Edge this night, albeit non-title. Still, take a look at what he did to the champ with a few drums of gas and a couple of bullets.



He was just about to put the match away when his evil brother Matt interfered!

Not pictured: Jeff Hardy (because I inadvertently cropped him out.)

That's tonight! OMG! TUNE IN! TUNE IN! MyNetwork TV 8/7c!