W.W.W. featuring Bret Hart and Hulk Hogan

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your music video about the Trish/Hurricane relationship that never happened isn't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- Bret Hart "You start the fire"



Adam's response.

There are certain rules to editing and continuity that one must adhere to for a narrative to make sense. After all, wouldn't it be jarring to see someone exit the screen on the right, and then reappear in a new setting walking in from the right? Of course, music videos don't need to adhere to these rules. Jump cuts? SURE! Thus, I'm going to just highlight a few things I've noticed about this early 1990's music video.

1) This thing is clearly staged.


Seriously, when does the Intercontinental Champion get to travel in a limousine? I don't ever recall that being in "Just Like That."

2) I can think of another Canadian rock song involving fire which is far superior to this one.

.

For those not in the know, Eddie and the Cruisers is essentially Bruce Springsteen the movie. It came out around the same time Springsteen found success with Born in the USA. It's about a Jersey Shore rockstar and how he was ahead of his time and was dead. Pretty much, a precursor to Eminem's Eight Mile. However, Springsteen didn't do the movie, yet they still made it with French Canadian actor Michael Pare as the titular Eddie. Then they made a sequel.

Fortunately, it was released only in Canada.

3) Check out all the cool Bret Hart merchandise you can buy!

Canadian flannel shirts

What is that?

Seems like that Hart is full of love handles

All the candy and Nintendo I want? Gosh mister, try and keep me out of your van!

Two Harts to go over your heart, nyuck nyuck!

No idea what the one on the right is

Yea, that montage took up 5% of the video time, which is actually a lot when you think about it.

Also, I would be remiss if I didn't what a bunch of predictable hacks we are. Videos about Bret and Hogan this week? Why ever could that be?

Adam's video to Matt - Hulk Hogan 1993 King of the Ring promo




Matt's response...

And the LOLie for the Most Xenophobic Promo of All Time goes to...

Seriously, welcome to your nightmare, nation of Japan.

I read a story yesterday about a 93-year-old Japanese man that died from stomach cancer. Typically something that would go unnoticed, except for the fact that this guy survived both atomic bombs dropped on Japan at the end of World War II. He was in Hiroshima on business when the first bomb exploded. He was badly burned and returned home to Nagasaki, which was bombed a couple days later.

You might say this man is luckiest/unluckiest person that ever lived (I think I might choose the latter). You also might say he had a front row seat to the full destructive force of America like few others ever had.

That is, of course, until 1993.

In what surely must be a coke-fueled promo, Hulk Hogan tells us that he is going to carry the prayers and dreams of all of America into the ring when he fights some fat Japanese dude and his comically stereotypical Japanese manager. This being 1993, there's still some of that mistrust of the Rising Sun lingering from 50 years ago, so it's necessary to assure the fans that Dayton, Ohio will not be the site of a "sneak attack" since it's not on the water. Certainly a new day of infamy would be recorded in the history books were Dayton to have been bombed early one morning by Yokozuna and Mr. Fuji.

As Jimmy Hart says, Hulk Hogan will carry the spirit of America into the ring with him, because he has "red, white and blue" running through his veins. I suppose, biologically speaking, that's true for all of us, but we understand he means this on a more spiritual and racist level. Hogan says he'll channel all that power through the palm of his hand, since that's that only offensive move he can perform.

Kind of like Iron Man!

As for the other performer in this video...well, Jimmy just looks like he's itching for his next bump.

I...

need...

COCAINE!

W.W.W. featuing Cyndi Lauper and Jimmy Hart

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your video showing off your collection of homemade Ric Flair robes ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Cyndi Lauper-Goonies R' Good Enough



Matt's reponse...

Well, this one was bound to come up sooner or later.

YouTube user MelRules911 suggests to skip ahead to the music that starts two minutes, but I think that's a horrible idea. I'm going to level with all of you: this music sucks. It's absolutely awful. Defend it all you want; you'll realize it sooner or later.

So that's not what I'm going to talk about. This video is basically a live-action version of Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling, and that's awesome. I've said it dozens of times on this site, but this is what professional wrestling is missing. Cartoonish characters. Big time stars that are buffoons. All the wrestlers featured in this video were top stars during this time, and they're ridiculous.

I'd like to focus on the heels here. We're supposed to be afraid of them, right? At the very least, they're bullies and they'll give us a black eye and a fat lip, which is no fun. But what do they really do? If we pay attention, it's really nothing worse than what your dad probably did to you when you were a kid (assuming, of course, that you haven't been on Maury).

For instance, they hoist you up as if they're about to toss you into the swimming pool against your will...


They throw you over their shoulder...


They ask you to hand them tools...

I swear you said "wrench."

They make you do chores...


So really, they don't seem to be anything to worry about. They're just some rambunctious entrepreneurs looking to invest in a gas station; they embody that unique American spirit. And somehow, they've convinced a Russian and an Iranian that this capitalistic endeavor is worthwhile. That's truly something to be admired.

However, they get punished. Worst of all, it's by Andre the Giant in an outfit that should have really stayed in the costume department.


I'll never have another wet dream.

Matt's video to Adam- Jimmy Hart on TV Guide Channel



Adam's response...

Why does this exist? The TV Grid channel was hot back in 1996 when awesome things had yet to be invented. But now we have digital cable. Seriously, what's wrong with you that you own cable (you have the TV Grid..you own cable) but do not have a cable box for digital cable? You don't even need a special wire! The cable company has already switched for coax to fiber optics! What are you holding out for, jackass?

Thus, the TV Guide Channel should not exist, nor should it make enough income to create original programming to play on top of the grid. No one is watching it. We have digital cable now. We can program our own grids. No need to watch your terrible station any longer. Viva la televisiona revolution!

However, like other unpleasant things, it exists and we have to deal with it.

So like I said, almost NOBODY is watching this (I'm seriously surprised someone taped it). Obviously you're not going to waste HHH's time going to a pointless promotional vehicle. Vince McMahon's a little busy to be dropping in on Teresa Strasser (stage name!). Who gets sent then? "The Mouth of the South" Jimmy Hart, of course!



Listen, Jimmy's a legend, wrote some cool songs, and seems like a genuinely nice guy. He hung out in the Columbus Walmart to help out his friend's daughter, for Christ's sakes. But I wouldn't exactly clear the schedule for him (ok, maybe I would, but not programmer Adam).

Of course, it's not as if Jimmy should have been so accommodating to these miscreants. Take our male co-host, John Fugelsang (stage name!). First he insults the Mouth from the South's jacket (which Jimmy takes in stride because he realizes that, hey!, he's a character), then he condescendingly says "If there's two things I love it's wrestling and pay-per-view." Listen here, douche. You're not perfect. According to your bio you are the son of a former nun and Franciscan Brother; two people who swore celibacy in the name of our Lord. Yet, why did they have a child? Are they perhaps weak and gave in to the temptation of sinful flesh? So off the bat you were a bane on society. And then you hosted America's Funniest Home Videos, so you know (tm) what dude? Go ahead and suck it.

The Miz <Douchebag John FugelsangAll of the previous things are synonyms

Also, you know what happens when you question the athletic prowess of professional wrestlers?


Now, I would be remiss if I did not mention the dynamite drop in from the show's Hole. The standard, "we're having fun, but you know what's not fun? A double murder suicide. (of course, if you read the blog, you know that we think different)" Way to be hard hitting there, Mrs. Killjoy. But guess what happened? The big dumb wrestler handled it with class and dignity, so one more point for Jimmy on your worthless show.

This is not to say that Hart was perfect. Far from it. You see, wrestling is a work. Always has been a work. Always will be a work. Which is why Jimmy Hart is a liar. When steroids were brought up and he said "never seen them," well that's not true. I find it hard to believe that people are injecting themselves and then go "Oh crap, Jimmy Hart's in the locker room. This will sure upset him! We better not do it!" You managed Hulk Hogan too, brother. In the 80's. You saw steroids. That happened.

Also, your admission that you think they're fine pretty much gave you away. Poor poker face there, Mouth.

But you know what the most important thing we learned from this is? What ended up saving this entire train wreck? Something that renews your faith in people?

The Harlem Bookfair is on CSPAN 2 at 2 O'Clock.