Blueprint of a broken heart

Laugh Twins here. Internet comedy can be a dangerous thing. It's our intention to come on here and say a few silly things, then leave if up to you to chortle at them and tell all your friends about the hysterical blog you just read. Then they tell their friends exactly where on the internet you can go for some high-quality, wrestling-related laughs, and so on and so on until we're millionaires somewhere down the line and we're hiring you to trim our bushes into sculptures depicting all the famous finishing maneuvers from years past. We just love topiary.

That's how it's supposed to work, at least. Sometimes, however, things don't go as you dreamed. Some might call that life; we call it an excruciating pain in the ass, but to each his own. You see, not everyone "gets it." Some of you naysayers out there might ask, "What is there to get?", to which we respond, "Maybe you should get laid, you miserable sourpuss." Other times, the joke is clear, but it just cuts a little too deep.

We're talking about one of those times.

For a while now, we've been playing around with a feature called "TweetNA," where we issue running commentary on TNA Impact on Twitter. Therein, we can get pretty harsh. Truly, it's all in good fun, but not everyone sees it that way.

On a regular basis, we send our little barbs to the wrestlers themselves. Now, to us, we're just giving some kind-hearted ribbing. Nothing more than what you would do with your friends, if you have any. It seems though, as we talked about in our world-renowned podcast, the wrestlers don't see it that. Sure, some of them play along, but for the most part, we're ignored or flat out banned from communicating with them. So this letter of apology is to you, TNA's Matt Morgan.

You blocked us a few weeks ago. It took us some time to realize it, mostly when we weren't seeing your fascinating updates on your thoughts about Billy Bapka or how you love the game Batman: Arkham Asylum more than Tecmo Bowl. These are things we loved, yet they are gone to us now, in the ether for all to enjoy but the two lonely Laugh Twins.

What was it, TNA's Matt Morgan? What caused the bad feelings between us? Actually, the bad feelings are more of a one-way street, since we never stopped caring. Somewhere down the line, we changed things...forever. There doesn't seem to be any going back.

So, if you'll never forgive, please help us to understand where we went off the tracks, from adoring fans to two children outside a pet store window, desperately wanting to hold that cute puppy on the other side of the glass. That six-foot-ten, 330 pound, completely shaven puppy. When did the hate start? Was it here, way back on September 10th?

Matt Morgan cuts promos like Mike Tyson makes love to women.

Listen, we're both big fans of Iron Mike around here, so that's a huge compliment. Sure, there were some unpleasant rumors that he raped someone, but we're sure now he's more down-to-earth and can carry on a lasting and loving relationship with a female. Even if he can't, suggesting you "raped" a promo is a good thing. Way to dominate!

Maybe it was later that same night, when we said:

Interesting how Matt Morgan's finisher looks just like his opponent is giving him a DDT, yet it doesn't hurt him. Curious...

You might think we were making fun of your weak finishing move, but quite the contrary! We were impressed at how magical it was. How you might use that illusion to fool other competitors into think your moves aren't that powerful, and even detrimental to yourself! It's quite genius, and we compliment on that heartily.

Maybe you didn't read those, though. We didn't address them right to you, so unless you're a follower (you're not :( ) or someone told you about them, you probably didn't see them. Was it then on September 17th that your thoughts on us turned cold after this comment?

Hey @Tnamattmorgan, that's quite a large double-helix you have in your genes.

Surely it can't be that! That's just fun wordplay on your gimmick! If for some reason you're weirded out by us making a thinly veiled reference to your penis, don't be! We promise we have no first hand knowledge of it. Neither of us moonlight as Orlando prostitutes, so we'd have no way of knowing what your package looks like, and you very well could be stuffing your tights. It was all just a pun among friends. Well, former friends.

A week later, we posted this:

@TNAMattMorgan: Monmouth U not have a good Spanish program? Maybe they should have had satellite classes in Freehold.

We see where you might think that we were making fun of your education, but again, you'd be wrong. We were genuinely concerned that your alma mater was deficient in a quality Spanish language program, and willing, therefore, to fight on your behalf for redress. It's not your fault that you're functionally retarded in the Romance languages. You paid to be educated and were failed by the system. You are due an apology at the least from New Jersey higher learning.

Maybe it's the times we make fun of your dressing habits, like these:

Is @TNAMattMorgan some kind of wizard? That robe is confusing me.

Dear Sting...you're not really Matt Morgan, so take off the Affliction shirts

Ok, really, the robe was just silly, but we're sure you were doing that to make us laugh. And the Affliction shirts? Yeah, we make fun of them, but only because they're usually worn by douchebags, not that you are one. There's always an exception!

The only other thing we can think of is this exchange from September 17th...

@LOL_Wresslin when do you think @Tnamattmorgan will admit he has a bald spot and shave his head

@jesushlynn90 It was very noticable tonight. Perhaps he's the blueprint for male pattern baldness?

Now, please notice that we were not the one's to message you about your growing bald spot. That was @jesushlynn90, who tweets to every wrestler about everything. So don't feel that you're being singled out or picked on; that's just their deal. And as for us? Well, we didn't even copy you on that message, so how could you be mad at us about it?? That's just ridiculous. Look, sometimes when we're with our friends, we're going to say some things to try to fit in. It's just in our nature. We need to be loved. So we were just trying to impress the cool kids, and for that, we're sorry. Look, we're going bald too, in our own little ways, so it's no biggie. It happens to a lot of guys, and if you'd be friends with us, we could talk about it. Lean on us, if you need to.

All we're saying is give us another chance to be the Twitter follower we were meant to be. Twitter was made for us to follow you, TNA's Matt Morgan. Without you, we only use it to harass the Beautiful People, and that can only go for so long without a restraining order. Please, please TNA's Matt Morgan, forgive us so we can go back to a life with some sort of meaning in it, rather than this shell we've been living for the past few weeks.

Sincerely,
The Laugh Twins of LOL, Wresslin'

LOL, Wresslin' introduces: TweetNA

Occasionally, we Laugh Twins have to admit our own fallibility. We are but two humans. Better humans than you, of course, but humans nonetheless. We have our passions, and we have our biases.

Because of these, we alienate parts of the wrestling world on a regular basis. We laugh at TNA behind the scenes, but rarely on the site. Ring of Honor may as well not exist. Even WWE products get shuffled to the side; we've mentioned WWE Superstars once, only because someone asked us to, and we can't even find ECW on television.

However, all of that is about to change. Well, it changed a couple weeks ago, but we're just now deciding to make it a regular feature. You probably know that we have a Twitter page, and until now, it's only been used to alert you to new posts on the site and very occasionally present a funny aside. No longer, LOL Fans! Today, we officially bring "TweetNA" out of beta and give it to the world!

The basic premise is this: we watch TNA Impact on Spike at 9/8c and we tweet about how silly it is. Groundbreaking, we know, but try to keep up. Sample tweets from our previous outings go like this:

Dear Sting...Affliction shirts look even worse on old men. Stick to
Tommy Bahamas.

If Christy is caught with performance enhancing drugs, can we call them
"Hemmeroids"?

***ALERT*** Kevin Nash tore his bicep signing a contract!!

You get the picture. Along with our own comments, we'll reach out to our long list of TNA tweeters that we're following and get their opinions as well. Take, for instance, this exchange between the Laugh Twins and new TNA color man Taz:

LT: @TNAOnline is taped. You couldn't fix @OfficialTaz's "Bubba" gaff in post?

Taz: @LOL_Wresslin why? Fix what? I'll prob call him Bubba and Brother Ray the rest of the shows going forward!!!

LT: @OfficialTaz: We believe you just let us survive...

Taz: @LOL_Wresslin lol

So you see?? Even the Human Suplex Machine is taking some time out to LOL @ Wresslin! You should too! We'll be there tonight, tweeting our little fingers off!

W.W.W. featuring The Bushwhackers and The Miz

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your cover of Rick Derringer's "Real American" ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Family Matters "Psycho Twins"



Matt's response...
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Chicago's Don Nash Community Center for the biggest wrestling show of the night, WRESTLE-RAMA!! Before we begin, we'd like you to check under your folding chairs....one out of the record crowd of two-hundred fifty-six in attendance will get a two-for-one coupon to the California Pizza Kitchen! So check now!

Alright folks, we know you've been itching to get to this match. The "Match of the Century," if you ask us! That's right, these four titans will clash for a winner's purse of $350! In this corner, we have two retarded gentlemen from "Down Under," The Bushwhackers! And in this corner, what seems to be an overweight gentleman and a computer nerd who's clearly confused about his sexuality, the Psycho Twins! Who are neither "psycho" nor "twins," but give them a hand!

Alright, now stick with us a moment as we explain to them the second most basic match in professional wrestling, a tag match.

Ok, that's out of way let's get this thing started. Looks like the fat twin is going to start things off, and despite his significant girth, he seems to be holding his own out there. There's that solid submission maneuver, the "dry shampoo." Always gets his opponents to bend to his will. Now and Irish whip, and it seems someone in the crew forgot to tighten those ring ropes a bit. I'm sure that won't cause a problem later.

And look! He's going for a Figure Four leglock, the move made famous by the great Nature Boy, who's never been to a single Wresle-Rama! No wait, he's just going to hold his foot for a while. Not nearly as impressive.

Ok, we have a tag here to the lesser Psycho Twin. Not really a hot tag, but he gets a few arm drags in - some solid offense. He seems to be doing a rather good job here against a couple of legendary wrestlers like the Bushwhackers. He also seems to be doing a little strutting of some sort. Getting rather cocky, wouldn't you say?

Ok, the fat one is back in. And the outside members of each team have moved to the same corner of the ring. This could be explosive, ladies and gentlemen! They're so close, they could start to wail on each other right now! Oh no...they're talking. Seem to be having a nice conversation.

Wait a minute. It appears the mini Psycho Twin has said something to Bushwhacker Luke that has him upset. What's that he's saying? "Cocks"? I can't imagine why that has him so upset. Maybe the little one made some sort of proposition to him. In any case, the tables have certainly turned here at the Nash CC. The Bushwhackers have taken over the match, which makes sense, seeing as how they are clearly the better trained of the teams.

Hang on, pandemonium has broken out here at Wrestle-Rama! Though of course, this event is no stranger to wildness, I can tell you. It appears a couple of hooligans have entered the ring and are attacking both teams. They're either street toughs or Kid 'n Play. I can't be sure. This is madness, friends! Pure madness!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alright, enough of that. Actually, I don't have much to say about the wrestling, but rather how this clip typifies everything I hate about sitcoms. We have two characters completely out of their element, yet they somehow are seeming to manage themselves rather well. Then we have the goofy character make a mistake, which causes things to go awry. Then we have the stupid characters try to help, but only end up making things worse. We have a young child telling the truth, only to be scoffed at by adults, and then later the adults are forced to recant their previous disbelief, of course pulling a silly face and dropping something they were carrying. We have exaggerated mannerisms. And the entire time, I can't tell if the characters believe that professional wrestling is real or fake. Finally, you have the two main characters trying to move while injured, causing them to wince in pain and only do things to hurt themselves more.

Oh, and we also have the pronunciation "ambahlance," which is just HYSTERICAL.

Seriously, give me the premise "Carl and Steve have to wrestle the Bushwhackers" and I would have given you every last plot point. Family Matters, I'm glad you're dead.

Matt's video to Adam- The Miz vs Scotty 2 Hotty



Adam's response...

The more things change, the more they stay the same. Sure, The Miz is now running a pretty high profile program with John Cena, but it's the same basic gimmick as today. The Miz is running some kind of "epic streak" which isn't all that epic at all. Get it? Because he's a cocky heel.

Or an asshole. Most likely that.

Don't believe me? Think he's just an effective heel? Well let's pull up some of "Mike Mizanin's" tweets.

welcome to the world of the miz. im awesome be jealous12:49 AM Apr 14th from mobile web

i love girl interviewers i start hitting on them to get them out of their element. so much fun. done with prague headed to serbia

@jimmyfallon best hangover remedy..before sleep take a multivitamin n two tylenol pms. every time u get up to pee drink a glass of water

im finally back in america and the only song thats goin through my head is america f*ck yeah...

That's not to say I don't give credit where credit is due. The Miz is decent enough in the ring, but this Mike Mizanin is pretty green. He botchs a lot of "athletic" moves that I couldn't do with months of training. Also, I actually like the announcers in this match. Well, not completely.

You see, Mike Mizanin is a heel. Always has been, always will be. But for whatever reason, Michael Cole (who is always a face play by play) is supporting the Miz. JBL, the heel color man, hates him. So that's an odd dynamic. Of course, JBL also spends most of the match putting himself over, so needless to say, I hate commentators not named "Bobby 'The Brain' Heenan" and "'Macho Man' Randy Savage."

Although it was kind of funny that JBL mentioned Nick Hogan since this match was a total car wreck.

As for the other unfortunate participant in this abortion, Scotty 2 Hotty. Well, I feel bad for him. He sort of got fired after losing this match. Can't say I blame WWE, though. I mean, if you're under The Miz on the food chain...

Rockin' Robin

Tweet tweet!

We're not ones to be cryptic, so our announcement today is that the Laugh Twins have now invaded Twitter. Having made Blogger our own personal waste receptacle, we've decided to expand our reach. Besides, who better to be on Twitter than a couple of twits like us?

Check it out, and please "follow" us, because honestly, we only do this so people we've never met will like us and heap praise upon us. We'll use it to alert you to new posts on this very virtual space, or perhaps dump some choice non sequiturs on your brain. And those rare occasions when we exit the LOL Wresslin' cave and peer into the bright light of day, we'll let you know that too.

So join us for tweets, twits, twa- er, whatever you call them, and don't forget to LOL @ Wresslin!

www.twitter.com/LOL_Wresslin

And just to continue our string of clever word play, we have a whole different kind of Robin to talk about! Namely, Robin Quivers (Howard Stern's longtime side kick who serves the purpose of laughing and letting Stern make fun of black people, since she is in fact, black) is being courted by a certain 1996 Olympic gold medalist. Yes, wrestling's Amy Winehouse, Kurt Angle, recently read a love poem to Ms. Quivers when promoting TNA Something or Other live to 45 people who subscribe to Sirius satellite radio. Here's a taste.

I won a gold medal in the Olympics
They say I never have been beat
I am also a gold medalist in the sack
Much better than vegetables and meat.

We can go to the theater
We can roll around in the grass
We can get coffee at Starbucks
But don't try to quirt it up my ass.

Also, we're just going to flat out steal Rick Chandler's joke from Deadspin this morning and say "Woah Shakespere, that'll do." Still, it gets better. Apparently Kurt's been quite busy since his wife Karen left him. Busy with the ladies that is. He went into explicit details later that day when he ventured over to another/merger partner satellite radio show, as 14 people listened to him on XM's Opie and Anthony radio program. And what's that old adage about "never going back"? Kurt has revealed that he previously dated TNA Knockout Rhaka Khan, so naturally Robin Quivers is right in line with his new outlook on life.

The title of Morris Day and the Time's biggest hit