The Granddaddy of them all! Jericho defeats legends; brawls with Rourke

Wrestlemania was last night, so rather then have one "Oh Baby I like it RAW!" updating the entire night we're going to periodically update the blog today, highlighting each match with its own post. We will follow the order of the show.

Chris Jericho vs "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, "Super Fly" Jimmy Snuka, and Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat with Ric Flair in their corner in an elimination handicap match.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



You know who didn't like The Wrestler? Certainly not us. We loved it! Chris Jericho didn't like it. He thought it was paying homage to old broken down horses when all the emphasis should be on him, Chris Jericho! Ooo..what a young punk! Anyway, the very recent world heavyweight champion took on these three specimens.

Piper and Snuka should never be allies.

And it doesn't get much better then that. Look at this elevation:

FAIL

Or what about this Superfly tamer old Lionheart locked in:

He may be able to hook a hooka, but Jericho can hook a Snuka.

And although in fantastic shape for an old-ass man (hell, even a young-ass man), even The Dragon's boat ran out of steam.


So you probably think that's it. Jericho proved his point and beat up a few octogenarians. Well, YOU'D BE WRONG! Ric Flair brought in his secret weapon, star of The Wrestler Randy "The Ram" Robinson!

Umm...Rammy looks a little small there..

Err... we meant Mickey Rourke. Still, he used to be a professional boxer, so don't count him ou-

"If you've ever seen something sad that rhymes with 'me' then you've seen me"

Take that, you Canadian jackass! Come on Ric, let's go ahead and dance the night away!

Nice hat, shit dick.

Next up: Matt Hardy vs Jeff Hardy

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? The Road to Wrestlemania edition

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

As Matt already told you, The Royal Rumble was last Sunday, and the WWE universe is forever cracked due to the shocking events that took place that night! Only by remembering history can we change the future!

So I'm going to open up with something a little odd. An ECW match. I know, I know. Who cares? Well it's high time we started paying a little respect to Tuesday nights, so I say! And so says the LOLBOP! Thus...I present to you

Matt Hardy

vs

Jack Swagger

with the ECW title on the line (with its fiery phoenix graphic)!


Wait...who the hell is Jack Swagger? What kind of ass clown wears such a comically over sized belt? He calls himself "The All-American American" and comes out to a song by One Day as a Lion (At least I think it's One Day as a Lion. I never liked Rage Against the Machine, so I don't know if that's a song of theirs, or if it's a new song of theirs, or if they even got back together, but I know it wouldn't be an old song because why pay a licensing fee for a nobody like Jack Swagger, so if it's a new RATM song then clearly it's for promotional purposes, but like I said, I don't know. The singer is clearly Zack from RATM though, and I know his new band is One Day as Lion, which is a great name for a crappy band. But I digress.)

You for reading all that. Not me for knowing all that.

Anyway the story going in is that good guy Hardy wants to regain his ECW title, who he lost to undefeated bad guy Swagger a few weeks ago on TV. The only noticeable spot was when Hardy kicked Swagger in the face a little too hard, so Swagger cashed in that receipt by tossing Hardy off the top rope a little too carelessly. Oh, that and Swagger won clean.

Go ahead and steal that and use it in your office. I know you're going to anyway.

Needless to say, Matt Hardy was less then thrilled with the outcome.

The other singles match involved Edge taking on Matt's brother Jeff, for his WWE title! And just before the match started, Smackdown GM (and Mrs. Edge) Vickie Guerrero changed the match from a normal singles match to a No Disqualification stipulation! Can she do that? On a whim? Oh she can? Ohhhh kay.

I don't think we'll ever run out of these.

Anyway, since Jeff is an agent of chaos, he thought this was just fine. So fine that he would do such crazy things like fall of ladders!

Jeff Hardy died for our sins.

And kick a defenseless husky woman!

He's doin' what we're all thinkin'! LOLOLZ

Of course, who could blame him? He's had a rough patch the last few months. First he got attacked before the Survivor Series, then he had that hit and run attack on I-95, and then of course that little pyro accident. But just when things were going well Jeff's mysterious attacker revealed himself! And it was Edge's brother, Christian! Back to Smackdown from TNA!


Not? Oh wow, I was very wrong. It's Jeff's brother Matt, here to help him take on the nefarious Edge (who we all remember, once stole Matt's lady)!





Edge wins back the title! You know, for as much as we make fun of HHH for always winning the strap, we sure don't get on Edge for having numerous title runs. Maybe it's because he's Canadian. The All American Canadian, perhaps?

Yes, yes. We all know I hate Lord of the Rings. Commence with the flaming.

Finally, the main event; the 30-Man, over the top rope, enter at 90 second interval, where the winner gets a title shot at the Superbowl (topical!) of wrestling, Wrestlemania! Of course, you knew that already. You attended the event/bought it on pay-per-view/know what wrestling is/read this blog.

...but just in case you're fat and stupid...

So Matt already told you the gory details, with Raw's well endowed crazy man Randy Orton winning the Rumble. He used his "Legacy" to eliminate Smackdown's Triple H. Still, there are a few things about the Royal Rumble that I noticed:

1. It felt like the Smackdown guys overwhelmingly were positioned earlier in the entry. Luck of the draw I suppose. True, the Big Show drew #30, and The Brian Kendrick drew a number in the late 20's (he eliminated someone and got eliminated in about ten seconds), it just seemed like the top 10 was littered with Smackdown guys. Couple that with Randy Orton having two other dudes watching his back and the deck was stacked against the blue brand.
   
2. Whenever someone new enters the Rumble everyone just stands around and let's that person clean house. I suppose that makes sense though. He's 90 seconds fresher then the previous dude.
3. How did Matt not mention the return of Rob Van Dam?! True it was one night only, and it was just for a hometown pop, and he was a little slower and pudgier then we remember, but still, RVD! RVD! RVD! And Chris Jericho had the nerve to eliminate him! If only some paragon of good, someone who held the power of a Ram could "toss him around the ring like a tossed salad."

There will be justice, Jericho.

Next stop: Wrestlemania! No? Next stop, tons of Smackdowns and Raws and a pay per view called No Way Out, but then, more Smackdowns and Raws and THEN Wrestlemania! But the fun is getting there! What would the Wizard of Oz be if Dorothy didn't meet her crew along the way? Shorter, that's what! So tune in tonight so we can understand why Matt committed fratricide! iNetwork Television, 8/7c!

LOL, Wresslin' movie review: The Wrestler

We've previously written about The Wrestler, which is currently in limited release. For the uninformed, The Wrestler is a drama centered on retired professional wrestler Randy "The Ram" Robinson as he makes his way through the independent circuit, trying to get back in the game for one final showdown with his former rival. Adam lives in the cultural center of the world that is New York City, so he got to see the movie over the weekend. Here are his thoughts:

Holy shit is this movie awesome. It's got everything a movie could ever need to be great. Let's go over a brief list:

1) Pro wrestling.

The wrestling in this flick is fucking intense. Matches are brutal, all the while shot super tight. There's one hardcore match which has Randy the Ram takes chair shots, glass table, and stapler gun staples all on the body. It really shows off how bad ass pro wrestling is. Also, Randy is super ripped the entire flick, so seeing him take the bumps is like watching Raw or Smackdown on the big screen!

Ram is an ill wrestler too. His finisher is called "The Ram Jam", his rival is The Ayatollah, and he bangs some girl in a restroom.

Of course, putting it all together is Mickey Rourke, who played The Ram. And we all know how ill he was in Sin City as Marv!

2) Marisa Tomei

She plays a stripper named Cassidy, and she's smokin! Doesn't wear hardly any clothes all movie, which is fuckin' sweet. She's got some tiggle bitties, if y'all know what I sayin'. In fact, the was the most unbelievable part of the movie (other then...well I'll get to that in the cons) was when no one would want to pay her for a private dance. With that tight bod? Shiiiiiit girl, come on over here and I'll give you all the singles I got.

3) New Jersey

Oh man, there was one scene shot in my hometown of Asbury Park. I just wanted to stand up in the theater and go "Joisey, holla! AP! AP! AP, son! What?!", but didn't want to put all those art house fags in the theater in a bad mood. Last thing they need is me showin' off how reals I keep it! Also, the credits had a brand new Bruce song called "The Wrestler." BRUUUUCCCEEE!!! BRUUUUCCEEE!!

4) The soundtrack in general

So much metal! Ram and Cassidy said it best, "Everything was going great until that Cobain pussy ruined it all." G'n'R, Crue, "Bang Your Head", this thing may be the best soundtrack since Jock Jamz vol. 5.

5) Todd Barry

He's just funny, man.

As for the few negatives:

1) Everything that did not involve wrestling or tits.

I find it hard to believe that anyone who headlined Wrestlejam III would be livin in a trailer in Elizabeth, NJ. Randy "The Ram" Robinson is a king amongst men. He certainly should have a palace at this point in his career. Seems to me like some artificial Hollywood trickery to make us emphasize with the man. That's wrong though. We shouldn't bring him down to our level, we should be heralding him as royalty!

Also, the stuff with his estranged daughter...YAAAWWWNNN. She was so self centered and narcissistic. No wonder the same actress is playing Mary Jane in the Spiderman musical (I'd still do her). The scene in Asbury not only had Ram crying, but he also waltzed with his daughter in the abandoned casino. Why not have them say what exit they got off at and show a picture of Tillie for the ultimate Jersey cliche.

2) Male nudity.

Saw Rourke's butt too much.

3) The true meaning of the ending.

Not too get too spoilery, but let's just saw another Jersey institution did it first.

So if you're a total queer, don't bother seeing this movie. Go watch you Mama Mia! DVD again. However, if you're a real man, who loves all the things real men love, go see The Wrestler. You'll have to wade through some mushy shit, but it's well worth it for some solid gazes at violence and those sweet cans.

jk the whole thing is great lol