W.W.W. featuring Sami Callahan and Bret Hart

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your how-to on making an Iron Sheik Halloween costume ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Sami Callihan vs. the Airhorns



Matt's response...

I'll be honest: the only reason I'm familiar with CZW, or Combat Zone Wrestling, because it was featured in The Wrestler when Mickey Rourke's character wrestled a stand-up fellow by the name of Necro Butcher. What that means, I don't know.


I set out to learn some more about CZW by checking out their Wikipedia page, but it became clear that it was written by someone in their PR department, if they have one. Take, for instance, the entry titled "Zandig hanging incident," where someone was hung above the ring by meathooks during a show.

The aftermath of the incident was negative, many fans even vowed never to attend a CZW show again. The company remained successful that year and had a sold out crowd for their annual Cage of Death show.

Take that, you fans with a sense of decency!

They also have a tag team named "2 Girls 1 Cup." Ok, ok. I get it. You're disgusting.

I can't really talk about their quality of wrestling, since that's not showcased here. No, what we get is a look inside the mind of the CZW fan. I don't care much about this Sami Callihan character; he's a douchebag and he's just one guy. However, the fans demonstrate that they are, in fact, scraped up from the bottom of the barrel.

Apparently, the airhorn is a thing in this promotion. They blow it during a big spot, such as when someone gets smashed with a fluorescent light bulb. But here, they've turned the tables on the wrestlers! They're going to blow it during a promo, if you can call it that.

This is what really turns me off to this whole thing, and why WWE will always be better. Sure the fans get a little rowdy from time to time, but for the most part we respect the product and enjoy watching it. It seems these guys just want to come and screw with the show. A show that, no matter how "hardcore" you think it is, is no more than backyard wrestling moved indoors, and that's only sometimes. Whatever you all think about WWE wrestlers, they can do more with a mic and without throwing each other through a pane of glass or into an electrified fence. That's not cutting edge or trendsetting. That's an easy way out.

They did, however, have a moment where there were competing "Asshole" and "Shut the fuck up" chants, and that's kinda cool.

Matt's video to Adam- Bret Hart Drawing Cartoons



Adam's response...

Bret Hart must have had a stroke in 1993.

That's the only explanation as to why he thinks he can draw. It has nothing to do with the fact that he does cartoon art either. I collect cartoon and comic art. I commission it from artists in the industry. So I should be sympathetic towards the Hitman's "talents." However, I'm not because he's really just awful.

Take for example, his sketch of the Undertaker.

And there's his sniveling, money tight, store owner Jew accomplice, Irwin R. Shyster.

Is that the Undertaker or an Islamic newspaper's political cartoon depiction of a rabbi? How about some more racial sensitivity from the Excellence of Execution?

"Me so solly, Hitman-son!"

That's Mr. Fugi? Maybe in a 1940's Disney/Loony Tunes cartoon it would be, but not 1993. Now, I know Mr. Fugi is a heel, and WWF was/is not the fore front of racial relations, but really Bret? You think that's ok to publicize? Still, it's not just your intent that's awful. Look at these two:

And there's the other Irwin R .Shyster ! One guess as to how I knew that.

This is actually a court room artist's rendition of how the divorce trial went.

You know (tm) how you can tell when an impression is bad? When it opens up with "I'm (X)!" The whole point of the impression is that the voice is immediately recognizable. So by writing "IRS" on a brief case, well, sort of negates the drawing, doesn't it Most Tragic Man Ever? Or how about, just in case someone misses the "Hulk" on the shirt, well it's also on the headband too!

Also, when you attest that Money Inc. doesn't like your drawings, well it's probably because they suck. Not because you're exaggerating Ted Dibase's nose.

Now, this is not to say that it's all bad. I give credit where its due (I am tough but fair!). First, you sketch in pen/marker, which is impressive. You also work off no photo reference, so the exaggerations can be expected a little. But it seems rather disingenuous when he's preaching that "everyone can do something" and for him that's art. I'm all for the sentiment that everyone can do something. Picasso can do art, I play a pretty mean bass guitar, Matt has his belly dancing, and Bret is a wrestler. Not an artist. Not a cartoonist. But a wrestler.

And possibly a doodler who could find a backup career doing caricatures on the Santa Monica pier.

By labeling this "Bret Hart" I kind of negate my above impression point.

Red, white and boooooooo

A reminder that it's Thursday, and thus another night of TweetNA. In case you didn't follow The Laugh Twins on Twitter during the broadcast of TNA Impact, just head on over to our page, start your DVR (because we know you recorded it) and read along!

Now, sticking with our glut of TNA news, this interesting piece traveled across the wrestling wires today. Hulk Hogan and his friend Brian "Nasty Boy" Knobs were guests on the Bubba the Love Sponge radio program, as they tend to do. After all, what else are they up to? During the show, Bubba called up current TNA World Champion Kurt Angle, and the group chatted a bit.

Hogan suggested the he come to TNA and work an angle with Angle (tee hee), in which Kurt would eventually don America's colors again and turn face. We're not sure if this would involve a match, but one could only imagine what that would be like.


Kurt agreed that it would be a good idea.


The duo got so worked up about the idea, they tried to call TNA president Dixie Carter to pitch the idea to her. Her answering machine picked up the phone instead. Fellas, it's not that she wasn't in; she just saw the caller I.D.

While Kurt was on the phone, he and Hogan also took a little time to talk women...





You know (TM), on second thought, please put these two together for us, TNA. We'd have something to write about for the next year.

W.W.W. featuring Jim Cornette and Sgt. Slaughter

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your "Monday Night Raw intro w/ TNA wrestlers" a'int going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Jim Cornette vs. the Drive-Thru

In Adam's infinite wisdom, he gave me a video that couldn't be embedded in this fair blog of ours. I could find a way to get it on the site, or I could say, "It's less than two minutes, so watch it yourself" and then provide a link. So, just watch it yourself here.

Matt's response...

Jim Cornette is fat.

Image from Cracked.com, which pretty much inspires us every day.

I guess I could stop there, but I won't, because that's not really what this post is about. And actually, sure, he's a little chubby, but it's not like he's ordering twenty burgers for himself; it's for the boys, who've spent a lot of time on the road, so no big deal.

I suppose there are different ways to go on this one, such as the stresses of road life, or the unhinged nature of those in the wrestling business, or the genius of Jericho getting this on film. All worthy candidates, none of which I'm going to touch.

No, I'm going to focus on the other side of this equation: the Drive-Thru. The fast food restaurant is not only a permanent fixture of our culture these days, it's a permanent pain in the ass. The whole system seems to designed to take people who couldn't give a shit less about you or anyone else and put them in direct contact with you and your food. It's like if you were paying Pigpen from Peanuts to wash your car - things just aren't going to turn out right because he clearly doesn't give a damn.

I visited a Wendy's a couple weeks ago, and I'm not here to kid you, they got every item wrong. EVERY. PIECE. OF. FOOD. IN. MY. ORDER. This, of course, after a lengthy (didn't have to be if they would have just shut-up) conversation at the intercom, in which I carefully explained everything, and then they repeated it back to me. And, before you start to think I was being picky, I added cheese to a burger, shredded cheddar to a baked potato, and a side of ranch to some buffalo wings. Not out of the ordinary and not all that much. But none of it was accomplished.

Add to that the fact that this was in the middle of a downpour, and they don't have the courtesy to erect an awning over their intercom or window. I was ready to commit crime.

That cheese hording strumpet.

Also, living in Texas, I've had lots of experience with the staff at Dairy Queen, which is sort of the fast food version of the Special Olympics. So, Cornette, I feel you man. I really do. Sure, there are better ways to handle the situation, but really, what's the fun in that??

I suppose you could have avoided calling the girl at the window a "C-U-Next-Tuesday," but if you're going to go that route, go strong. Don't wuss out mid-word. Nice work.

Matt's video to Adam- Sgt. Slaughter throws fireball at Hulk Hogan



Adam's response...

Wow! What a peculiar, retro video! How did Matthew ever think to find such an obscure piece of WWE history? Could it be that G.I. Joe just opened up to $100 million dollars this weekend? Or what about Sgt. Slaughter guest hosting Raw this last Monday? Seriously dude. What did you do? Type "current events" into Google?

Hmm..maybe not..

Yes, so 16 seconds into this bad boy and things already are awesome. Mean Gene is always good for a chuckle around these parts, and I admittedly popped a little bit when he said that "Hulkamania and millions of Hulkamaniacs were in effect, raped." Now I know this is the part where you expect me to run wild with this. Maybe run a photo of some supple young boy with a funny LOL (I was thinking either "rayp viktum" or "he wuz asskin 4 ti")? Well, I'm not going to do that, you perverts! Sex offender laws preclude me from doing that.


Much more seriously though, Sgt. Slaughter has magic powers. Real actual magic. He was able to control fire, much like Wheeler from Captain Planet. How else do you explain the fact that he had a fireball ready to go the second Hulk Hogan opened his dressing room door? You actually think he just stood there with a lighter and some flash paper, and was given a prompt when Hulk would open it? That's just silly!

Now General Adan is a different story. He was ineffective, and it kind of explains why Desert Storm was so inconsequential. Granted, I know that on earth-53 a steel chair is a WMD. But he didn't hand Sgt. Slaughter a steel chair. It was more of a plastic chair. Like those folding chairs you see at garden parties. What's that? What's a garden party? I'm sorry, I sometimes forget that you LOLiacs are not as important and fancy as I am. Since I am an important and fancy, I have attended numerous garden parties. Essentially, it's a cook out for high brow folks like myself.

Above: Me and a young lady at "Garden Party Double-O-Seven"

In conclusion, Sgt Slaughter accosts Hogan with the chair and screams "Slaughter rules!" ad nausea. Then he makes sure to look into the camera and scream "I rule", as if "Slaughter rules!" was too subtle. Camera man goes boom on his bottom. Now his bottoms big. And Mean Gene takes us home with that insatiable mouth of his. But what are these unfathomable rules that Sgt Slaughter has now instituted? I took the time machine back to Wrestlemania VII to ask around.

1. Fireballs are now legal
2. Holding the belt means you are champion
3. Yo Joe!

Wrestling wonders! (of eBay)

From time to time, we like to power up the ol' LOL computer and cruise around the internet to see what fun and interesting things we can find. We're guessing you do too; otherwise, why else would you be here?

One of the best places to find some fun and interesting stuff is eBay, where people sell their crap in hopes that someone will come by and want to make it their crap. It's the circle of life, lady and gentleman. Pretty simple stuff. We thought we'd like to find what kind of professional wrestling memorabilia is located on that online auction block. Here's some of what we discovered:

Professional Wrestling Diploma

That's correct. For just $9.99 (convert that to pounds, Ray), you can have your very own professional wrestling diploma. It says it right there! "Doctorate of Professional Wrestling" Now, we're not sure if that means you can actually perform wrestling moves, or that you're a Ph.D in the history of the business, but either way, we're pretty sure it's not true.

This is all made possible by Bradforth State University, which, surprisingly, we found to not exist. That must be why they can offer a degree without completing any state-required curriculum. So feel free to pay some douche ten bucks for something he printed off his LaserJet!

David von Eric button

Immediately, this is suspect. We've heard of David von Erich, but never David von Eric. That certainly seems to be a picture of the former, but one can never be too sure. Cartoonishly tall cowboy hats have a tendency to skew one's perceptions. Let's check out the product description:

A button Souvenirs of David Von Eric a professional Wrestling souvenir . David Von Eric was the son of the famous French Von Eric. David has passed away and this is a great way to remember him. This button is white with David's picture on it. The button measures 3 inches round. The button is in great condition on the front and the back is a little tarnished ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !a wonderful pin ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! This listing has free shipping ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Wow! Look at all the exclamation points! This thing must be real. Granted, we've never heard of "French von Eric" either, but he must have been great too! Surely that's who Fritz von Erich modeled himself after. Truly a steal for...twenty dollars?! Hmmm, we might have to wait until payday for this one.

Also, we'd like to point out how inordinately excited this person is about the back of the pin being a little tarnished.

"The Secret World of Professional Wrestling" VHS

eBay seller "bringbackthepast" is certainly not one to leave the memories alone, which is why he feels he should make available this exposé of the wrestling business. Ooooh, it's the "secret" world, too. This should be very interesting.

Since our friend does not provide anything other than the title as a description, let's see what this video is all about. Amazon.com says on the product page that it is a 48 minute video on "what motivates wrestlers and attracts throngs of fans." That's not much help either, Amazon.

However, there are some customer-submitted reviews, and those are sometimes helpful. "A Customer" titles his review "This video rule!!!!!!!!!!" and writes:

The video rules because al the secrets,eveyone want to know,are in this video.This video include disguised wrestlers,and they tell you the secrets.The disguised wrestlers are:The Patriot and Harley Race

Way to blow the ending for us, Santino.

Still, this thing is about right for just under four dollars, so you really can't go wrong. Feel free to pay to find out what you can for free from any mark site.

One piece of advice for our eBay friend, though: maybe think about changing the condition of your item. Listing a video cassette tape that was release in March of 1999 as "Brand New" is a slight bit disingenuous. Perhaps "Too Shitty to be Opened" is more accurate.

Superstar Billy Graham's "WWE Hall of Fame" ring

Now this certainly looks nice. A very dignified class ring, sporting some sort of reddish stone and the official WWE insignia. Quite a good mock-up if we do say so ourselves.

Why do we assume it's a fake? It's obvious. The WWE Hall of Fame is a prestigious honor bestowed on only the best and most influential former wrestlers, of which Superstar Billy Graham is certianly one. This is something to be cherished and handed down to one's grandchildren and placed in a display case on the mantle of a cozy home. There's no way that anyone would ever think of selling the real-


Oh damn.

Unfortunately, we were wrong. It appears that the real Billy Graham is selling his real WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2004 ring. Again, we ask, "Why would you do that?" Let's get the answer from the man himself:

First off, I owe no one an explanation as to why I want to sell this beautiful WWE ring. In a recent board meeting Vince McMahan said " That there will never be an actual physical Hall of Fame building and that the Hall of Fame only exists in my head."

We think if you wanted to stick to your guns, Mr. Graham, that you would have ended that statement at the first sentence. However, despite not owing it to us, you so graciously provide an explanation, and for that we are eternally grateful. So, he's upset that there's never going to be an actual building for the WWE Hall of Fame, something that pretty much every wrestling fan on the internet knew to be true.

He explains that he got this idea because Shane McMahon was going around promising that there would be a building one day. That's right. Superstar Billy Graham allowed himself to be played by Shane O'Mac.

Him.

Despite all that, we still have quite a piece of wrestling history for sale here. At this time, with five days remaining in the sale, the top bid is...

$11,500

Sure. We'll pony up that cash just as soon as we're inducted in the Wrestling Comedy Blogger Hall of Fame in Owensboro, Kentucky. See ya there!

W.W.W. featuring The Bushwhackers and The Miz

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your cover of Rick Derringer's "Real American" ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Family Matters "Psycho Twins"



Matt's response...
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Chicago's Don Nash Community Center for the biggest wrestling show of the night, WRESTLE-RAMA!! Before we begin, we'd like you to check under your folding chairs....one out of the record crowd of two-hundred fifty-six in attendance will get a two-for-one coupon to the California Pizza Kitchen! So check now!

Alright folks, we know you've been itching to get to this match. The "Match of the Century," if you ask us! That's right, these four titans will clash for a winner's purse of $350! In this corner, we have two retarded gentlemen from "Down Under," The Bushwhackers! And in this corner, what seems to be an overweight gentleman and a computer nerd who's clearly confused about his sexuality, the Psycho Twins! Who are neither "psycho" nor "twins," but give them a hand!

Alright, now stick with us a moment as we explain to them the second most basic match in professional wrestling, a tag match.

Ok, that's out of way let's get this thing started. Looks like the fat twin is going to start things off, and despite his significant girth, he seems to be holding his own out there. There's that solid submission maneuver, the "dry shampoo." Always gets his opponents to bend to his will. Now and Irish whip, and it seems someone in the crew forgot to tighten those ring ropes a bit. I'm sure that won't cause a problem later.

And look! He's going for a Figure Four leglock, the move made famous by the great Nature Boy, who's never been to a single Wresle-Rama! No wait, he's just going to hold his foot for a while. Not nearly as impressive.

Ok, we have a tag here to the lesser Psycho Twin. Not really a hot tag, but he gets a few arm drags in - some solid offense. He seems to be doing a rather good job here against a couple of legendary wrestlers like the Bushwhackers. He also seems to be doing a little strutting of some sort. Getting rather cocky, wouldn't you say?

Ok, the fat one is back in. And the outside members of each team have moved to the same corner of the ring. This could be explosive, ladies and gentlemen! They're so close, they could start to wail on each other right now! Oh no...they're talking. Seem to be having a nice conversation.

Wait a minute. It appears the mini Psycho Twin has said something to Bushwhacker Luke that has him upset. What's that he's saying? "Cocks"? I can't imagine why that has him so upset. Maybe the little one made some sort of proposition to him. In any case, the tables have certainly turned here at the Nash CC. The Bushwhackers have taken over the match, which makes sense, seeing as how they are clearly the better trained of the teams.

Hang on, pandemonium has broken out here at Wrestle-Rama! Though of course, this event is no stranger to wildness, I can tell you. It appears a couple of hooligans have entered the ring and are attacking both teams. They're either street toughs or Kid 'n Play. I can't be sure. This is madness, friends! Pure madness!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alright, enough of that. Actually, I don't have much to say about the wrestling, but rather how this clip typifies everything I hate about sitcoms. We have two characters completely out of their element, yet they somehow are seeming to manage themselves rather well. Then we have the goofy character make a mistake, which causes things to go awry. Then we have the stupid characters try to help, but only end up making things worse. We have a young child telling the truth, only to be scoffed at by adults, and then later the adults are forced to recant their previous disbelief, of course pulling a silly face and dropping something they were carrying. We have exaggerated mannerisms. And the entire time, I can't tell if the characters believe that professional wrestling is real or fake. Finally, you have the two main characters trying to move while injured, causing them to wince in pain and only do things to hurt themselves more.

Oh, and we also have the pronunciation "ambahlance," which is just HYSTERICAL.

Seriously, give me the premise "Carl and Steve have to wrestle the Bushwhackers" and I would have given you every last plot point. Family Matters, I'm glad you're dead.

Matt's video to Adam- The Miz vs Scotty 2 Hotty



Adam's response...

The more things change, the more they stay the same. Sure, The Miz is now running a pretty high profile program with John Cena, but it's the same basic gimmick as today. The Miz is running some kind of "epic streak" which isn't all that epic at all. Get it? Because he's a cocky heel.

Or an asshole. Most likely that.

Don't believe me? Think he's just an effective heel? Well let's pull up some of "Mike Mizanin's" tweets.

welcome to the world of the miz. im awesome be jealous12:49 AM Apr 14th from mobile web

i love girl interviewers i start hitting on them to get them out of their element. so much fun. done with prague headed to serbia

@jimmyfallon best hangover remedy..before sleep take a multivitamin n two tylenol pms. every time u get up to pee drink a glass of water

im finally back in america and the only song thats goin through my head is america f*ck yeah...

That's not to say I don't give credit where credit is due. The Miz is decent enough in the ring, but this Mike Mizanin is pretty green. He botchs a lot of "athletic" moves that I couldn't do with months of training. Also, I actually like the announcers in this match. Well, not completely.

You see, Mike Mizanin is a heel. Always has been, always will be. But for whatever reason, Michael Cole (who is always a face play by play) is supporting the Miz. JBL, the heel color man, hates him. So that's an odd dynamic. Of course, JBL also spends most of the match putting himself over, so needless to say, I hate commentators not named "Bobby 'The Brain' Heenan" and "'Macho Man' Randy Savage."

Although it was kind of funny that JBL mentioned Nick Hogan since this match was a total car wreck.

As for the other unfortunate participant in this abortion, Scotty 2 Hotty. Well, I feel bad for him. He sort of got fired after losing this match. Can't say I blame WWE, though. I mean, if you're under The Miz on the food chain...

OH BABY, I like it Raw! EXTREME RECAP

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Today is Monday, and I woke up this morning thinking to myself that it just feels so...ordinary. Nothing special about it at all. Nothing unexpected. Nothing EXTREME.

Maybe that's because the WWE continued it's great tradition of that June pay-per-view everyone has grown up loving, EXTREME RULES. All of the "extreme" has been sucked from the world, leaving us with just a bland and cageless aftertaste. So let's take a look at what happened on the Raw side of things.

MY EYES! TOO EXTREME!!

First we have a Fatal Four Way for the U.S. Title. How'd this match get in here?


You have Kofi, MVP, William Regal, and Matt Hardy. So naturally the two faces worked together to beat up their common enemy. You mostly had the heels acting as rag dolls for the crowd's entertainment.

Don't feed me no bologna, I want a Manwich.

But we can't be having title switches just yet, so Kofi found a way to conquer all odds and retain the U.S. Title. John Candy would be so proud.

Next for Raw is Santino/a versus Vickie Guerrero for the Miss Wrestlemania crown in a Hog Pen Match. Why are they having matches for this crown? If you win the Miss Wrestlemania crown at "Extreme Rules," does it really count? Wouldn't you be "Miss Extreme Rules"? This doesn't make any sense.

Seriously, this is all you need to know about this match:


Yes, those are real pigs. This was stupid. Santino wins, which pretty much means this stupid "Santina" character is going to continue.

Too soon for a David Carradine joke here? Eh, I'll skip it...

Now for the extreme WWE Title match, with Orton and Batista in a steel cage. This should be considered a handicap match, since a cage is the Animal's natural environment. At the very least, Dave has home field advantage. That was apparent, as Randy spent pretty much all the match trying to climb the fence and escape.

Why do people try to climb over? THERE'S A DOOR.

But there's no escaping this pen. These rules are extreme, and so is Batista.

I don't know how many times we've run a photo like this.

Batista hit the aptly named "Batista Bomb" and pinned Orton for the belt. So, Dave is your new WWE Champion, and we're left with one of the saddest pictures of Randy Orton to date.

I know why the caged bird sings.

Or maybe this one is the saddest...


Finally is the Submission Match. These matches can be cool, when worked between two guys who are versed at submission holds and can make things look really devastating for their opponent. This one, however, was between John Cena and the Big Show, completely tossing out any chance that this was going to be entertaining.

Is he shoving Cena into a swimming pool?

This was made all the more painful to watch since the Big Show clearly didn't understand the rules.


Seriously, if you want to know how the match went, just look at this picture:

This x 20:00 = FAIL

However, against all odds, as he always is, Mr. Cena managed to get the Giant to tap out.

And allowed WWE.com writers to caption "Submission accomplished!" I love you.

So that's Raw's portion of the big program, and it certainly set up so many wonderful things to happen tonight. I can barely wait for 9/8c on USA!

Pay-per-screwed

The WWE is quite a fan of PPVs. QUITE a fan. There's one at least every month, sometimes more. The problem with having so many PPVs (beyond the money aspect) is that you have just a few tent pole shows, and the rest are just throw-away events that really don't offer anything special.

If somehow you do find some sort of identity in a particular pay-per-view (say, maybe, King of the Ring), WWE has a habit of getting rid of those and replacing them with something you've never heard of. Take this month, for instance. Not only have they changed the name of "The Great American Bash" to simply "The Bash," but they've also replaced "One Night Stand" with a new event titled "Extreme Rules." What does that entail, you ask? Well, you're an idiot, because it says it right in the name.

They've also just announced a new show in place of "Unforgiven." This one will be called "Breaking Point," no doubt in reference to about where WWE fans will be when this PPV rolls around.

Imagine we photoshopped this to say "Breaking Point" and maybe put Triple H's head in place of Keanu Reeves.

Since it seems clear that the folks in Stamford pick pay-per-view names by putting a bunch of intense words on a dart board, pounding a few Guinness and playing a nice game of 301, we thought we'd provide a few titles with some actual thought behind them, and the stipulations they carry.

Blood Brothers - This is pretty simple. All tag team matches, all "first blood" rules, but each person that gets juice is eliminated until there is only one man left.

Season's Beatings - How does this not already exist?

Daylight Misbehaving Time - This is definitely an ECW show, because who else would make one based off a national clock holiday. Maybe it could even be an hour shorter. A bunch of time limit matches, and perhaps a "Spring Forward" match with trampolines.

King of the Ring - Just bring it back, damn it!

Just Desserts - All food-themed matches. Divas have a food fight. Eight-man match similar to "Money in the Bank" except with a birthday cake suspended above the ring - a "Winner Takes the Cake" match. Triple H and John Cena in a "beefiest biceps" arm wrestling competition. And, of course, Big Show and Mark Henry in an eating contest.

Yeah, we've used this before, but it makes us laugh.

W.W.W. featuring The Miz/Morrison and Ravishing Rick Rude

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your compilation of favorite Macho Man entrances ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - WWE visits IGN



Matt's response...

"Who watches TV on the internet?" - Zack Ryder

That pretty much sums up this entire video. Are you really going to watch this thing? It's fifteen minutes. You can if you want, but since I already have made that sacrifice, I'm going to break it down very simply for you: Adam somehow found a video that features two people I hate more than the Miz.

How is that possible? As the number one purveyor of Miz hatred on the internet, I didn't think I could hate anyone as much as I hate him and his faux hat and his stupid hats. But I do. These two wastes that "host" this "show" have got to be the most unentertaining duo since Uday and Qusay Hussein, and we all know what happened to them.

I'll give you the positives first: John Morrison. I'll be honest here and say I never gave that dude much time, especially since he teamed up with the asshat Miz. But I actually enjoyed him in this segment. He's obviously a decent talker, he keeps the conversation moving, and he has a good amount of bits that he runs through during the "show." The dude even does what the audience probably started doing and messes with his cell phone in the middle of the "interview." I came away from this a legitimate John Morrison appreciator, so that's something.

But that's not nearly enough to save this pile of garbage from being anything other than complete and total fail. Let's first rank everyone on how much I like them. At the top are Morrison and Jessica Chobot, but she only gets by because she's kinda pretty. In reality, she seems really annoying and doesn't have anything useful to add, which puts her about on par with everyone else on set. But she still sits solidly in second behind the Tuesday Night Delight (or whatever he's calling himself now).

Yeah, I guess you can call me. But don't ruin it with your personality.

Here's where things get dicey. All huddled at the bottom are the Miz, Gruesome Greggy, El Gringo Primo, and making a special fail cameo, their floor director. Since he doesn't have a speaking part, I'll put Mr. Floor Director in third, as his only contribution is to hold up his hands to stop an impending "fight" on "set." I've never seen anyone less thrilled with their job than he was, and I've worked at a video rental store.

We'll put Gruesome Greggy at fourth, just because I can't quite hate him as much as the Miz, even though he does him damnedest to make me. Seriously, look at this douchebag:

His standard expression.

Oh, I get it. The homemade shirt and the sport coat are supposed to be ironic, huh? Ok. Man, this guys SUCKS. He has no clue how to run an interview, has nothing to endear himself to the audience whatsoever, and generally spends his time being a complete tool. Look dude, if you're going to be a typical gamer dickhead, and have total disdain for people at gaming conferences who can't talk pixels with you, quit "hosting" the "show." It's obvious the guy thinks Miz and Morrison don't know jack about games, and to an extent he's right, but the dudes are just there promoting the thing, so quit acting like you have more fans than they do, because somehow you don't.

In fifth is the Miz, and I've probably said all I need to say about that dude.


But definitely in last is El Gringo Primo, one of the worst bits of failed comedy I've ever seen in my life. Epic Movie got it more right than this guy. Here's his idea of a great character: a fat luchador who speaks in grunts. Get it??

Oh, you don't? Maybe this will help.

Put your goddamn hand down.

I don't know if this is this dude's regular bit, because I'd rather be caught masturbating to hentai than watching another episode of LiveWire, but even if it's just for now, it's got to be one of the worst ideas anyone has ever had. He has a face that you just want to punch, and you can't even see his face!

Now, as far as the purpose of this little visit, I assume it's to sell us on Smackdown vs. Raw 2009, but I can't say for sure since they barely talk about it. There is no way if I were on the fence about buying that game that this segment would make me want to get it. So if that's what you were trying to do, you failed at it.

Maybe it was to sell me on the Great American Bash. Well, telling me about your tag match against a bunch of people I couldn't care less about doesn't work either, so you failed at that too.

Or perhaps just to go and read IGN and watch more of their coverage of E3. FAIL.

These guys did absolutely nothing right. And that's impressive for a fifteen minute segment. You'd think at some point they'd hit something remotely close to passable, but they don't even wander anywhere near that neighborhood. Congratulations, gentlemen. You've made the worst video on YouTube.

Get bent.


Matt's Video to Adam- Ravishing Rick Rude Training for Summerslam 1990



Adam's response...

Oh me oh my! Is this Christmas? Have I been a good boy!? Two Warrior related training videos in just a few weeks! I can't explain how awesome this is. Seriously, after this video, well I'm pretty much like this.

Thank you Rick and Warrior. Although you two may be bitter rivals and have a match at Summerslam 1990, I'm grateful you two came together to change my life. However, that doesn't mean this entire video is flawless. I'm looking at you, Heenan.

First off, you're a fat. A major league fat. Why are you training the Ravishing one? What form of mental trickery did "The Brain" play on Mr. Rude? You're not fit to train a dog, let alone the only man who ever beat The Ultimate Warrior for a title!

Yea, take that junk in the face...

Second off, why so many locales to train Rick? This camera crew are all union! You're costing your client, Mr. Rude, more and more money when they could have cut this little training video in under an hour. But noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, you had to go for a dusk light stroll along Venice Beach because it reminds you of your favorite song! Seriously Brain, stop thinking about only yourself and maybe the Heenan family will win a GD world title.

Oh, and don't think I forgot about you:

Click to embiggen

RickModelMartel. Now, I think it's great you started up a Youtube channel and posted some older stuff from your era. I'm glad that you have become a defacto historian of the WWF, but seriously, why the Ultimate Warrior Photo? Why would you ever promote that bicycle streamer wearing lunatic? Don't you remember the countless gorilla press slams all around North America? Or what about the time he threatened to "get you in your nightmares"? Why would you ever promote this man, especially when you are promoting his 1990 Summerslam opponent!?

Am I the only one who gets it!?